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Author's Chapter Notes:
You guys have been so patient and well I just couldn't help myself so read on and enjoy.

Just a huge thank you to everyone who has been reviewing the three chapters I posted today have all been written in the last eight hours and it's only with the inspiration of your reviews so thank you.

Please let me know what you think and I will continue to write.

Thanks!!
The bed felt like resting on a little peace of heaven and for once she was able to blank out her mind.

This time sleep would come she was bound and determined. And this time knowing what her dream had been trying to tell she knew instinctively that it wouldn't be back.

A contented sigh passed her lips as she felt herself drift away.

The sound of knocking pushed through the sleepy fog in her head and she opened her eyes. Turning her head she looked at the clock and saw that only three hours had passed. Not nearly enough time.

"I'm not here! And if you don't want to end up dead you'll stop pounding on that door!" How she had mustered up enough energy to shout was beyond her but she was damned if she was getting out of this bed.

The pounding resumed in earnest though and she threw one of the pillows across the room.

Getting to her feet she stalked over to the door noticing that her tinglies were going off. It was one of the two feelings she recognized so the amount of surprise she felt was dimmed as she opened the door.

"Already dead luv." He called her luv! Okay got to calm down probably doesn't mean anything by that. Just old habits.

"Um what? I mean... Did I miss something? Aren't you a little early?" She looked past him into the hallway but he was the only one there.

He just looked quizzically at her.

"I woke you up." He seemed unsure about that.

"Uhhh yeah, sort of." She knew the shorts and t-shirt she was wearing or the bed head she had to be sporting gave that away.

"I'm sorry I should let you sleep." He turned to go.

"No its okay. Why don't you come in?" She backed away from the door and watched as he stepped inside.

"Just give me a minute okay?" She took a change of clothes into the bathroom. Throwing them on she washed her face and ran a brush through her hair.

Going back into the room she looked at him while he paced the room. She wondered what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry." She couldn't stop saying that.

His pacing stopped and he stared at her. She looked deeply into his blue eyes and the familiar sensation of drowning in them hit her full force. It was so easy to lose herself in those expressive orbs. But she had to remind herself that he might not be to welcoming of that now.

His head tilted as he watched her. Feeling suddenly nervous in his gaze she walked over to the bed and sat down.

"Why are you sorry?" The question was soft like he was truly trying to understand.

"What I said before, what I did, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you." That hadn't been her intention.

When he just continued to stare she felt the need to explain.

"I know that you have to hate me now and I understand. What I said, it was awful but I didn't know what else to do. And you're okay now so..."

"Why do you keep saying that?"

"Saying what?"

"What in the bleedin' world would make you think that I hate you?"

She looked at him like he had suddenly grown a second head.

"Why wouldn't I? This is the first time we've talked in over four months. You even sent Wesley to get your things and give me your key. I think that tells me what I needed to know." The words were strong but there was no fight in her voice.

"You've lost your bloody mind haven't you?"

"And this conversation is so helping. I really can't do this Spike." He was still standing across the room from her almost as if he didn't want to be in the same room with her.

His gaze was really starting to unnerve her.

"What are you trying to do?"

"Figure out what goes on in that head of yours."

"Surprisingly not too much. Spike why are you really here? I know you don't want to see me and I'm sorry." See there was that word again.

"Listen to me you silly bint. I don't hate you. Couldn't if I wanted to." The words startled her and she was unwilling to interpret them.

"Come on Spike. We both know that can't be true. I remember what I said and I hate me. It hurts but it's okay you don't have to pretend."

She saw frustration flash in his eyes and watched as he stalked to the bed. He kneeled in front of her the action reminding her of that night in that stranger’s house. A new fresh wave of pain crossed her heart. Had all of it really been snatched so far out of her grasp?

"Buffy." His voice was soft and it brought her attention back to his eyes. "I. Don't. Hate. You."

"You have to. I don't deserve anything less."

With the look on his face she was certain that she could have literally knocked him over with a feather.

"Look you stubborn chit I need you to listen to me. Not a word you hear?" The tone he used was full of force and she nodded her head meekly in reply. He sighed deeply.

"You were right to do what you did. I've never seen anyone be so selfless in my entire existence. Yeah you pushed all my buttons all right but that only means you knew me well enough to push the right ones. But you did what I needed. I would have never sought Peaches out on my own and you knew that.

So yeah I was mad at first. Couldn't help it you got my blood boiling pretty good. When I got here the Poof and I had a few words and I admit I vented a little about you and what you said. Probably explains why the bastard was so rude today.

But that didn't last wrong cause God help me Buffy I saw what you did. What you were willing to do I can't even imagine. So no I don't hate you."

"Then why send Wesley to get your things? Why didn't you just call me?" She wanted to understand but she was unwilling to let the words sink into her mind.

"You don't get it do you?" He stood and resumed his pacing. "I almost hurt you Buffy."

"What are you talking about?"

He sat next to her on the bed his eyes focused on the wall in front of him.

"You asked me to remember? I almost lost it and hit you."

She thought back to that night remembering now that she had tried to incite the violence in his demon to make him see. That was right he had stopped himself before it had happened. It had been that self-control that she had been counting on.

"I pushed you to it."

"Will you stop trying to be a martyr? It was me. I was going to hurt you." He turned slightly to face her. "I promised myself that I was never going to hurt you again. Bloody went out and got my soul so I wouldn't but it didn't help. Demon was gettin' the better of me." He paused and looked down at her hands resting in her lap. Taking one of his hands he covered hers. "You want to know why I haven't tried to talk to you? It's not hate Buffy, not anger, not a million other things then this; I don't deserve to be anywhere near you and I realize that now."

"What?" Not a very comprehensive statement but she could work around that.

"You deserve someone better in your life, not a monster. This only proved to me that no matter what I do the monster will still be there."

"Are you serious? That's it?" Stupid vampire.

"It's bloody enough don't you think? Thought staying away would make it easier for you."

"I can't believe this." She stood up suddenly and felt her own need to pace. Thinking for a minute she stopped and stared at him while he sat on the bed.

"You're right I don't deserve you." She saw him be taken aback by her words. "How could I? Look at the things I've done to you to the other people around me. Don't you see? There isn't going to be anyone better in my life. Who's going to be better than someone who understands me like you do? Who was able to love me no matter what happened. What's better then that? But it doesn't change the fact that I don't deserve you, that you deserve someone better than me."

She watched him shake his head as if to clear it.

"Have you gone and hit your head?"

She ignored his comment. "I did the same thing to you that I've done my entire life. I pushed you away just like everyone else."

He stood and grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Why are you doin' this to yourself?"

"Because it's true don't you see that? I thought it was all some sort of mystical saying the slayer is alone and all. But it really is the truth. It's how it's supposed to be. How I truly am now." She hated herself for the sob that escaped her throat.

He crushed her body to him wrapping her in his embrace. He was mumbling something she couldn't quite make out and was peppering the top of her head with kisses in between.

"No." she let it out as she pushed him away. She watched as the hurt flickered across his face. "Don't do this. It's not your fault its mine. Don't take this on yourself."

She looked on as something deep moved through his eyes.

"My God woman. You really think the bloody universe is your fault don't you?" He took her arms again and sat her on the bed. Kneeling in front of her he placed his hands on her knees. "I'm only going to say this once so I expect you to pay attention." She saw the earnestness in his eyes and remained silent.

"I've bled inside everyday for the last four months being away from you. You’re the only spot of sunlight that I've had in my dark existence. I could never hate you Buffy because I love you.

That you let me into your life at all has been one of the greatest gifts I've had in my unlife. That you considered me a friend touched my heart in ways no one can comprehend.

But that you were willing to sacrifice yourself to save the mind of a stupid half crazed vampire I can't even describe how much that touched my soul.

I'm not expecting anything of you pet. I understand that you could never love me. But it isn't fair of me to keep hanging around the shadows of your life. Not when you could go out there and find someone else."

For some reason a bubble of anger had started in her gut and she could feel it growing in intensity. Why did the men in her life always insist there was someone else better out there?

"There's never going to be someone else. Don't you understand that? You're probably the last person I'm ever going to allow into my heart because it hurts too much. I can't deal with any more pain. So isn't it up to me to decide if I want you in my life or not? Is it really fair for me that everyone else keeps making that decision? The what's best for Buffy program. Well let me tell you something that program bites. I'm tired of it. So tell me without thinking about what's best for me what do you want?"

He sighed again and ran his hand through his hair.

"You know what I would want but it doesn't matter cause it will never happen."

"Do me a favor and refresh my memory."

"Fine. I love you and the only thing that I want is to be a part of your life."

"That's what we had before. Now tell me what deep down you really want."

His blue gaze seemed to look deep within her and she could feel her breath hitch in her throat.

"Why are you doing this? You keep draggin’ out old wounds."

"Because maybe this time we should actually try to heal them instead of just bandaging them. Tell me."

"What tell you that all I've ever wanted is for you to love me? That you would want me in your life as more than a friend? Is that what you really want to know? How much it still hurts that it will never happen?" His eyes drifted away to stare back into space.

She watched him as he sat silently knowing that in this second she could hurt him worse than she had ever done with her fists alone.

"Never is a very long time." Her voice had grown soft. She waited as his head turned sharply to regard her again. She let all of her feelings show in her eyes letting him know how sincere she was.

She placed her palm to cup his cheek.

"Do you know how hard the last few months have been thinking that I lost you forever? It was the worst feeling in the world. Like someone had ripped out my soul left me completely empty. I hate that feeling. I don't want to ever have it happen again."

"What are you trying to say pet?"

Instead of talking she leaned her head forward and let her lips barely brush his. Looking into his eyes she saw the awe that he felt.

"That I'll always want you to be a part of my life Spike. You're more than just my friend. I love you."

She watched as a parade of emotions danced across his face. Looks of wonder, of disbelief, of acceptance and finally of joy at her simple words. Words she wished she could have said a long time ago.

She felt her heart begin to race as she waited for him to say anything and break the silence between them. As seconds ticked by and turned into a minute then two she began to feel a little nervous.

"Um Spike are you going to say anything?"

In response he moved his head closer to hers so they were millimeters apart.

"Do you mean that?" He was breathing heavily and Buffy found it somewhat amusing considering hello vampire so not needing the breath.

"I mean it Spike. I love you."

She was pleased when his lips suddenly crashed against hers and began a searing kiss.





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