The faint click of the door behind found her body sagging in relief. She took a moment to look over the room taking in the sparsely furnished apartment. It seemed cold and empty to her like no one had really lived in it. There wasn't anything to make the place personal. She had seen motel rooms with more personality.
But none of that really mattered, not right now. Right now she just wanted to sleep, preferably for a week if not two.
She watched him drop her bag on the sofa in the living room before turning to look at her. He seemed like he wanted to say something, had looked like that the whole time they were in the car on the way over, but he had held his tongue. The thought unnerved her a bit because he wasn't one to hold back, if something needed saying he was the first one to find his voice, the first one to face the truth as ugly and as brutal as it could be. Whatever it was that was causing this hesitation must be something either he was afraid to say to her or be an ugly truth she was happy to be without right now, and in a way she was relieved for it.
His eyes turned away from her and walked towards the back of the room. She followed silently hoping that now she would be delivered to a bed and a blessed oblivion at least for a few hours.
As if her prayers had been answered the door opened to reveal a messy double bed covers strewn every which way. She followed him in taking in the fact that other then the bed and a small night stand with a cheap looking alarm clock there was nothing at all in the room. Well that wasn't exactly true there was a folding chair in the corner that had a folded laundry on it and a pile of apparently dirty Spike apparel near the door.
She was dragging her feet now as she crossed the room towards his bed. Glancing back at him she gave a tentative smile not sure if she was actually smiling or grimacing through her tiredness. Obviously she had been closer to a grimace if the look of concern that was now on his face was any indication. She shook her head willing him to understand that she was fine if not a bit too tired for words.
But he had never worked that way not really. Unspoken communication for him wasn't nearly as good as the real thing or so she assumed. He had always made her voice what she was feeling or thinking.
She watched as that scarred eyebrow raised in her direction the question glinting in his eyes before she even heard it pass his lips.
"What aren't you telling me pet?"
"Huh?" Her mind was a little fuzzy yes but the question seemed like it had come out of left field.
"Your dream. There's something you're not tellin' us. Not tellin' me." His tone was concerned yes but not accusing and she could see a bit of hurt in his eyes at the thought that she wasn't being open with him.
It wasn't that she didn't want to be. Well not entirely true, she did want to tell him what was going on but she was so afraid of the reaction it would generate that she found herself unable to find the words to tell him about where she thought all of this was heading to. So she stood silent a few more minutes unable to meet his eyes knowing that a single look and he could see every answer she held on to so tightly.
Eyes down cast as they were she missed the motion of him crossing the room to her his hand reaching out and grabbing her chin firmly but not harshly, lifting her head so that he could look in her eyes. She looked on wordlessly as they flicked over her face his blue searching her hazel.
Buffy couldn't look at him and not speak. It was something she had realized almost too late in their relationship. That gaze leveled on her, the only one that truly saw her as she was, forced her into sharing everything with him. But she was unsure if she really could share this.
"Spike I-" Her voice locked itself inside of her throat the words fleeing her mind. She took a ragged breath pushing to make a sentence that would make sense.
"Can't we talk about this later? I just want to get some sleep." She put as much whine into it as she could.
The look on his face was telling her in no uncertain terms that he wasn't buying it. There would have been a time when she wouldn't have cared if he bought her excuses or not but that time was long past now. The hurt she had seen cross his face was back again and it was like a sharp pain in her gut. She let out a deep sigh. There wasn't anyway she couldn't tell him not when he hurt like this.
The phone ringing in the other room startled both of them and she sent a little thank you heaven word for the distraction. She almost let out a little chuckle as his hand dropped and he walked out of the room, she literally was saved by the bell.
Her relief was short lived however at the words he called out over his shoulder.
"We're not done." Oh those words held so much promise of a talk she didn't want to have.
Reluctantly she went back into the main room heading towards her bag. Maybe she would have enough time to at least change her clothes before the respite from the phone call was over. At least she would be dressed comfortably. She took the shorts and t-shirt into the bedroom and quickly changed. That done she went back and sat quietly on the couch and listened to him finish his phone call.
"Yeah. No here is better. Four o'clock then."
He hung the phone up without so much as a bye and she knew that Angel had been on the other end of the phone.
"Were meeting here at four?" Of course that was what she had heard but the question was all she could think of as a delaying tactic.
He was not amused. She didn't blame him of course but she felt helpless in her situation.
"Yes." He let out the single answer before he took a place next to her on the couch his gaze settling on her.
She fidgeted uncomfortably under that piercing look.
"It's nothing."
"Really nothing made your heart go all skittish in Percy's office?"
Damn she was hoping that he hadn't noticed that. Sure it was a foolish hope considering how attuned he was to everything she did, but it was a hope nonetheless.
"Okay so not nothing exactly. It's not a big deal. I just got a little wigged about finding out about the room is all.”? That was the truth and she was glad because she was so not into the lying to him anymore.
"Buffy-" His impatience was plain.
"Really Spike it's just been a long couple of days. Of which I haven't gotten any sleep in. I'm just all over reacty right now." Again with the truth mostly.
She watched his eyes narrow at her and she fought the urge to flinch. He wasn't convinced she knew but her bringing up her lack of sleep was causing him to war within himself between fishing out the truth and letting her get the rest she needed. She could see it in his eyes the thoughts chasing themselves around in his mind and she felt the first pangs of guilt at the way she took advantage of his concern.
Choosing to ignore that very large twinge of her conscience for now she took his hand in hers.
"C'mon let's get some sleep 'kay?" She rubbed her thumb over the top of his hand in a soft caress.
His eyes softened and she understood that his concern had won out over his need to know. He was going to let it go, for now.
He stood and pulled her to her feet unwilling it seems to let her hand go. She was more than okay with that.
They padded silently back into the bedroom and stopped just at the foot of the bed. She let go of his hand and bent toward the sheets to straighten them a bit when his hand on her shoulder made her stop. Her questioning gaze returned to his face unsure.
The guilt returned full force as she took in the pain he tried to hide in his beautiful eyes. It was so sharp and distinct that she had to keep herself from gasping out loud from it. How could she cause this? What was wrong with her that she would entertain the thought of hiding this from him? She didn't know and the way it was tearing into him left her thinking that maybe she hadn't really gotten the rest of her soul back. Maybe she was the only pure evil being in this relationship.
It was just too much to bear as she looked into his eyes, so she did the only thing she could. She turned her eyes away.
The grip on her shoulder tightened and she had to fight to keep from looking at him. The knowledge of his pain was causing her own to course through her at an exponential rate. She stiffened as she felt his other hand close around her other shoulder and he turned her toward him. The urge to just flee entered her and she tamped it down. She had finished running a while ago and now she really had nowhere else to go.
She felt the hardness of his fingers as they bit into the flesh of her shoulders and finally resolved herself to the situation in front of her. Everything that she was screamed at her to get it over with to just tell him. But how do you tell the man you love, who loves you in return, that you know you're going to die? And not just that but die a gruesome horrible bloody death right in front of him?
Raising her head she forced herself to look into his eyes letting him see everything she was feeling. The pain, the love, the worry, and the guilt all of it evident for him to read. The worry that looked back at her kept her from speaking for a moment too overcome by the depth of feeling between them to let the words intrude.
Looking deep inside her being she found her resolve and pushed it forward. She put her hands on his waist and maneuvered him to sit on the bed. His hands letting her go as he sat on the mattress. Standing Buffy took a step back forcing her brain to function to let out the words she hated.
"So it's something alright? Fine. I just didn't want to have to tell you is all. I just keep hoping that it's just a dream just something my subconscious rigged up to freak me out. Like a normal person." She let out a bitter laugh. "Guess I should really know better by now huh?"
His head was cocked in that way of his a slight crease in his forehead as he tried to see the sense in her words.
"Pet-" The endearment had always touched her in a way. Years ago it gave her the large sense of annoyance that his presence could only bring but along the way it had changed and she had come to treasure the name. It was something she loved to hear and he could make it sound as soft as a caress or as rough as a slap. Right now it was somewhere between the two in his confusion and hurt.
"I've told you most of it. The room, the dagger, big evil red guy fighting me with four arms. I mean how fair is that he's got four arms and I'm stuck with just two. He could at least not have a weapon but no he's got to have two." She mentally slapped herself out of her tangent. "So I fight this guy but were pretty evenly matched and nothing much happens for awhile."
"And then?" Oh god he was just so damned impatient.
"And then I notice that someone else is in the room with me. Even though I ignore it something happens and Mr. Red and Ugly gets the advantage." God she couldn't tell him who she senses in the dream could she? That he might think he was the fatal distraction. No definitely not. That little tidbit was not passing through her lips. He would have to pry it out of her with a crowbar and he didn't look like he had one handy.
"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?"
She ran a hand through her hair wondering if there was an easy way for her to put into words what she'd seen.
"Um he-" Nope still a blank on the soft and gentle way. "The sword-"
"What about his sword?" The push was too much and she blurted.
"He takes the damn thing and puts it in my stomach." Crap, way with the subtle.
"WHAT?"
The shout made her jump a bit but she held her ground. She placed her hand on his shoulder hoping her touch would calm him just a bit.
She sighed. "Do you really want me to repeat that?"
Her hand gave his shoulder a quick squeeze.
"I don't get to slay the bad guy this time. Looks like instead of being the slayer I'm the slayee." She tried to give him a wry smile but she doubted that it worked.
Instantly she found that she was pulled onto his lap his arms encircling her tightly.
"Don't talk like that." His voice was muffled against her hair.
"Spike it's happened every time I've had the dream and trust me I've had it enough times to know. The fact is I end up with a really nasty gash bleeding all over the place." She pulled her head away and looked in his eyes. The sudden urge to touch him was too much even if she was sitting in his lap and she placed a hand on his cheek. "Do you want to hear the rest?"
The look in his eyes told her that he didn't but she had let him know this much and he needed to know the rest. The slow slight nod that he gave her reaffirmed his hesitancy.
"I'm laying on the floor of the cavern hands clutching my-" She broke off when her voice hitched. "My stomach. And you finally kneel beside me telling me to hold on. But you see I already know that I'm dying." She whispered the word unwilling to give it more substance if only that would keep it at bay. "I touch your cheek and tell you that I'm sorry and I am just so damned sorry that I can't stay with you. And then I tell you I love you because I do so much. I look right into your eyes and they're just filled with so much pain and it hurts cause I know that it's my fault that you're feeling it. And I take a breath and as I let it out I feel myself let go." She could feel the tears streaming her face now and she wondered when she had begun to cry. Buffy had trouble making out his face through the cloudiness they caused. "That's when I wake up."
She blinked hard trying to clear her vision just to see him. The feel of his rough fingers brushing at the tears on her cheeks made the urge that much more important.
Successful at last she took in the shock on his face, the horror that her words might be true still etched on his features.
" 's not going to happen, luv. Not as long as I'm around." Buffy wished she could crawl to the land of denial he had found but it was denied her this time.
"Spike-" His arms tightened even more.
"Not going to happen." He bit out the words forcefully as if just saying them would make them true.
Her heart ached with the knowledge of the pain he was feeling and the pain yet to come. It was almost physical and she wished just once more that she was wrong. Even if her inner voice knew differently.
She did the only thing she could think of and brushed her lips against his.
The movement seemed to open something inside of him because he returned the kiss in a brutal fashion full of pain and desperation. She responded in kind trying to deny the fear and pain that she was feeling. They clung to each other barely letting air flow in between them as if it would create a giant crater if they let it. His embrace was so tight it was almost squeezing all of the air out of her lungs and she knew there would be a lovely set of bruises there tomorrow. But it didn't matter. None of it did.
She felt the burning in her chest as her body cried out for the oxygen it still depended on but she tried to ignore it. The feeling of his lips on hers was all she concentrated on. But soon even a Slayer has to give in to the need to breathe and she had to pull away. Her breath came in giant shaking gasps the emotions running through her making her throat feel raw. The noise of their breathing seemed to echo through the room.
Buffy let her eyes close and leaned her head against his chest. She took the comfort she had found in his embrace gladly and hoped he could find some in return from her.
They sat for long moments neither speaking just holding each other as tight as possible not wanting to let the other go. She wondered if when the time came he would be able to look back at this particular moment in time and find some peace. She hoped so.
"Spike?" She barely breathed his name but knew he could hear her anyway.
"Yes luv."
"As good as this is I really would like to lay down now." She could feel the exhaustion settling into her bones and was curious as how she had managed to stay awake this long. The tug of sleep was becoming something too strong for her to resist though and she found herself in the middle of a giant yawn halfway through her question.
He shifted her body wordlessly so that she was lying on the bed using her feet she scooted her way up so that she could rest her head on one of the pillows. As she did this she could hear that he was undressing tossing first his shirt and then his jeans to the floor. She reached down and brought a sheet over her body and smoothed it out. Lifting a corner he climbed in with her. He was on his side facing her as she reclined in the same position mirroring him. His arm went around her waist and her hand settled against his chest.
She stared at her hand for a moment just noticing how the tan of her skin seemed to only be enhanced by the alabaster of his. Her mind wandered and her eyelids began to feel so heavy she thought it would take steel beams to pry them open. But a thought echoed through her mind and she fought sleep for a few more minutes.
"I'm so sorry Spike."
"Nothin' to be sorry 'bout luv. Go to sleep." She could feel his words rumble through his chest and into her hand.
"Yes there is. It seems like no matter what I do I end up hurting you." She sighed her eyelids slipping shut. "Don't want to hurt you anymore. Love you."
"I know. I love you Buffy. I promise nothing is going to hurt you."
"Don't promise that. Slayer remember short life expectancy." She struggled to open her eyes and look into his. "Promise me this instead. If something does happen promise me you won't do anything stupid."
"Define stupid pet."
She thought about how to word her feelings. Dawn had told her the extremes his grief had taken him the last time she had died and she feared that this time when he knew how she felt about him it would be ten times worse.
"Like the last time. Just promise me you won't do it." Her eyes remained locked on his watching as the feelings and memories pass through him.
"Can't promise that pet. Alcohol does strange things to a bloke." He was being flippant but she understood.
"Spike I know you'll keep your promise you always do. Please."
"Buffy, pet the first time I lost you it bloody near killed me. I think this time it damn well would." He let out a ragged sigh. "Don't think I could live in a world without you in it."
"Yes you could, you're the strongest man I've ever known. Give me this one last thing please." She could feel the hot pricking of tears behind her eyes again and she willed them away she was just so damned tired of crying.
He didn't say anything his gaze had become distant and soft, like he was looking at something just beyond her shoulder. But she knew better he was remembering.
"Spike?" She called his name softly bringing him back to her in the here and now even if it was too painful for either of them to face. Buffy saw the shimmer of unshed tears in his blue eyes and she wished with everything she had that the future she had seen was a lie.
"Soddin' hell Buffy. Not a damn thing in this world I would deny you and you know it. I promise." How was it possible for words said with such feeling and conviction be so quiet at the same time?
She pushed herself forward so that they were millimeters apart.
"I love you." Closing the distance between them she slid her lips over his.
Where before their kiss was hurried with frenzied need now they were slow and savoring. Enjoying the feeling of each others taste as it tickled their senses. It was a gentle motion of two tongues brushing almost teasingly against each other and so achingly sweet. Instead of the flash fire that usually flared they were encompassed by a liquefied warmth that seemed to relax the muscles.
Their arousal was almost a side effect of the feelings they were expressing as hands slowly moved over flesh. Two pair that floated up and down the skin of the other. Brushes with fingertips, strokes that came from whispering palms, all sending them to a plateau only they could see.
Kisses were broken and renewed so fluidly that one couldn't tell where they ended or began. Each movement flowed between them met with soft gasps and sighs. She barely felt her clothes being brushed aside by his gentle hands until they were lying skin meeting skin. Her hands lingered over the hardness of his flesh just as his paused on the softness of hers. His hand drew her leg over his hip and he angled his legs in between hers. Inch by inch he entered her the movement almost nonexistent.
The languorous thrust of his hips rocked them with a subtle motion that reminded Buffy of being on the ocean. Like they were riding along every smooth wave sinking him deeper within her. Her climax spread through her slowly washing over her again and again her inner walls rhythmically milking him. And soon he was shuddering inside of her his cool seed spilling into her core as his whispered words of love lulled her into sleep.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
well I just want to say thank you all for the great reviews! Please enjoy the new chappie and let me know what you think because hey how else would I know. thanks again