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Author's Chapter Notes:
All I ask is that you guys please don't hate me at the end of this capter. They have such a long road ahead of them.
Also kind of important Angels season five has barely begun in my little time line so yes they are at Wolfram and Hart but no major story lines have taken place. And the plot with Pavayne never happened or won't now.

Thank you for the great reviews I just love them! Thanks and if you want you can leave hateful reviews too.
Two slow painful months had gone by and while her everyday life looked good to anyone from the outside, the deeper part of her was filled with sorrow.

Two months while she had watched her newest and closest friend fight the grief that seemed to surround him like a dark shroud. Two long months while she watched the animated teasing cocky male she shared her apartment with draw further into himself until he was merely a quiet presence in a back room. Two agonizing months as she watched him withdraw further away.

She didn't know what to do. She understood some of his pain. She truly did. Remembered nights of haunted dreams and the long painful days knowing she had sent someone she loved to hell itself. Remembered the furious wish to start life anew and her headlong run into a mind numbing existence in LA that summer. Before she was sent to hell of course.

But that kind of pain she understood a little to well.

So she had been there for him. Waited to see if he wanted to talk and gave him space when he seemed to need it.

What she couldn't do was help him. She was more than aware that if he had been with any one else or if things had not changed between them like they had, he could have very well snapped and done something extremely stupid. Not that she thought she was helping him in the least.

Buffy had tried to draw him out. Let him talk about his feelings for Drusilla, give him someone that would listen, but resisted the gentle prodding she had done. She wasn't sure if it was because the memories he had with her were often integrated with their feeding and he wanted to spare her some of that, or if he was in complete denial of how important she still was in his life.

She hadn't understood how much their bond really meant of course and it was understandable after all she wasn't a vamp and it was something she only had a vague knowledge about.

After two weeks she really did want to understand. If anything so she could be there for him, lord knew that he had been there for her.

So mustering some courage she had found an out of the way bookshop that wasn't demon run but operated in the center of the demon area she lived in. It was small and kind of cozy. Like bookstores were really meant to be instead of the huge monstrosities they were now with the coffee shops and everything. Not that she minded a good cup of caffeine but this was better.

It was kind of homey she had realized and while she wasn't there for anything normal it wouldn't have bothered her to look for regular reading material here. If she used regular reading material.

She had introduced herself to the shopkeeper, who she found to her surprise, was completely human. Jeff was good looking in a quiet sort of way, medium build, a bit on the thin side, light brown hair and green eyes. She had noticed his keen interest in her as soon as she had walked into the store and was relieved to find that he knew exactly who she was.

Of course most of Cleveland knew she was the Slayer she had discovered and for once she was glad that the need for pretense was gone. It was damn hard keeping her identity secret.

She had asked for books centering on the subject and was only slightly amused at the raised brow that greeted her request. But he had said nothing instead turning the correct books over to her. She had found a quiet corner with a chair and had begun to read.

It had amazed her how little she actually did know about the lives of vampires. How could she have spent so much time hunting and slaying them without knowing any of this? But the better question was how could she be intimately familiar with two master vampires and not know? Did she not want to? Sometimes thoughts like these were what made her head hurt.

She had gone back everyday for a week researching and learning what it was that Spike was trying to deal with on his own. Jeff never questioned and always had each book pulled for her before she could ask. And research while never her strong point on the best of days was telling her something she should have known right away.

The fact that she had been thinking about this solidly for another month now wasn't easy on her. But she had wanted to make sure that what she thought would help actually would. And as his despair seemed to grow she couldn't help but kick herself for not moving faster.

So today she had waited for Spike to leave the apartment, which he rarely did, to stop by the butchers. Once he was gone she went into her purse and dug out the phone number she had prayed she would never use.

"Wolfram and Hart. How may I direct your call?"

"I need to speak to Angel please."

"Please hold." Even evil law firms still used really bad hold music.

She had been shocked when she had read the second letter from her sister telling her that Angel had heard of the victory over the first and wanted to see her. Dawn had said the look of surprise on his face was priceless when she had explained what had happened. And though Dawn had always disliked Angel she knew that if she wasn't forth coming with her sister's ex and told him what she knew that he would continue to darken her doorstep. Her sister had been very thankful that Buffy had only given her the tiniest bit of info about where she was. It got her off the hook quickly. But Buffy had choked on the news of his sudden new employment at the head of the worlds most evil law firm.

"Wolfram and Hart Angel's office." It couldn't be. Could it? Best to ignore it for now.

"Can I speak to Angel please?"

"Angel."

"I need a favor."

"Buffy?"

"Yeah."

"Where the hell are you? What's going on?"

"Look Angel I haven't got a lot of time and I know this is going to be awkward, so can we just skip all this please."

"What are you talking about? And where did you disappear to?" She had a feeling that her temper was about to flare out of control.

"Forget it." She ground the words out through clenched teeth. "This call was only made for one purpose and this was not it. So I need you to stop with the questions already and let me ask my favor."

"Sorry." She could almost see his face drop into brood mode. Maybe she had spent a little too much time with Spike. "What do you need Buffy?"

"You're not going to like it but I'm gonna need you to deal. This is way to important to me."

"And?"

She took a deep breath collecting her thoughts once more.

"In a couple of hours you're going to receive a phone call from Spike." The words had no sooner left her mouth than the ranting started on the other end.

"Why would I want to talk to Captain Peroxide? And why the hell did you leave Sunnydale with him of all people? Have you seriously lost your mind Buffy?"

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Why did people count to ten anyway? She was still just as mad.

"ANGEL. DROP IT AND LISTEN." Ahh her trusty Slayer voice.

The silence on the other end of the phone let her go on.

"When he calls I want you to talk to him. He's hurting Angel. Drusilla's death is killing him and I don't know what to do. You’re the last member of his family and his Grandsire. He needs you right now."

"How bad is he?" The words were almost too quiet to hear over the long distance buzz in the phone line.

"He's not good. He's barely feeding and he hardly speaks at all."

"The quiet would be good for a change."

"So help me Angel." she took another deep breath. "I need you to help him. You're the only one that can."

"Tell me why I should bother."

"Oh let me think. Maybe cause you’re the one who drove Drusilla insane and sired her. Or because after she sired Spike you made him into a ruthless killer. Or how about the fact that you've ignored you're Childer for the last ohh say hundred years while you got to feel guilty about your soul. Oh here's a good one. The fact that I want you to help him because he's someone I care about. Does it really matter? Just do it Angel."

"Alright Buffy I'll talk to him. But that's all I'll promise."

"It's enough for now."

"You really care that much about him?"

"He's my friend Angel. Yes I do and it hurts seeing him like this."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"Are you going to tell me where you are exactly?"

"Come on Angel you know I'm in Cleveland, I know Dawn told you. Besides it shouldn't be to hard to find with all the resources you have now."

"Buffy."

"I'm sorry Angel but I can't do this right now. I have to go."

"Will you call again?"

"Maybe I don't know."

"If you need anything..."

"Thanks but I've got to go now."

"Take care Buffy."

"You too."

Setting the phone back into the cradle she let out a long deep sigh. She was tired and emotionally she was barely hanging on. For months Spike had been her support system against her friends, the potentials filling her house and the upheaval of fighting a serious Big Bad she didn't know that she could defeat.

However she hadn't had that in the last two months and she had tried for both of their sakes to be his support system. But it was hard. Much harder than she ever though possible. And watching his slow downward spiral into grief was hurting her more than she could really stand. It was what needed to be done though and that was what she always did. So she refused to let herself slip into mind numbing depression and was strong for him. Because that was what true friends did.

Calling Angel had been a last resort. Just getting the two of them talking together was going to be a task in itself. And actually the phone conversation with him had gone easier than she had anticipated. But her real challenge was still yet to walk back in the door.

She sat for another half an hour waiting for him. Dreading what she was going to have to do. Spike hated Angel. She had known that for a long time. She hadn't understood the reasons behind it until just recently but it was there just the same. That she would push him to go to the older vamp for help was not going to go over well.

Her dread grew as she heard his key slip into the lock. Green eyes watching wearily as he began to put the blood in the fridge. Drawing in a deep breath she stood up.

"Spike can I talk to you?"

He cocked his head towards her and his eyes flashed with sudden annoyance. It was always close to the surface now, how annoyed he could get with her, and even though she understood it was some of the way he was trying to cope it didn't hurt any less. Often times she thought that he looked at her the same way he used to look at Xander and that wasn't a really pretty thought.

She waited for him to walk into the living room and sat back down onto the couch. Once he was seated she tensed for a second before speaking.

"I'm gonna ask for a couple of favors from you okay?" When he didn't speak she continued. "First I need you to listen to what I have to say. Even if it does piss you off and it probably will. All I want is for you to hear me out. Do you think you can do that?"

"No promises pet." He hadn't called her that in forever.

"Okay." Another deep breath and words she knew were either going to help them or drive a wedge between them forever began to flow out of her mouth.

"Spike I know your hurting and I want to help you. But I can't. Not the way you need to be helped. This isn't just the human part of you that's in mourning. Your demon is in pain and I can't help you with that. You need someone who can."

She watched his eyes coolly study her for some sort of sign to what she meant.

"There isn't anyone."

Time to bite the bullet. "Yes there is. Spike you've still got part of your family left."

"No their all dead now."

Steady. "Angel is still alive Spike."

She watched as amber flashed dangerously in his eyes. His tongue was held in check so she began again.

"I know that you hate him and I understand as much as someone from outside can understand, but he's your Grandsire Spike and he can help you."

"Are you done?" The words weren't spoken they were snarled at her.

"Almost." He was quiet again. "I care about you Spike and it hurts me seeing you like this. Just think about it."

"Finished?" The word was issued with full fury. She closed her eyes and opened them again slowly.

"Yes."

"Then we're done here." He turned to step out of the room.

It was time to let it all out then.

"I would have staked her myself you know."

He turned slowly back around and she could see his hands clenched at his sides.

"I wouldn't say anything else." But she needed to.

"If I'd had the chance I would have. I've thought about it for years you know." Two short strides and he was grabbing her arms tightly.

She tried not to wince at the feeling of his fingers digging into her flesh.

"I said-"

"I heard you. Do you know why you even feel this way? You want me to clue you in Spikey?" Oh god how much this was killing her.

"The human part of you, the one you hide from everybody, William still loved Dru. He truly did and he's grieving. But that's okay and that's normal and with time it'll get better." She could feel his eyes burning into her with something close to hate. It was okay. She hated herself too. "But the demon. He's pissed. He's angry because you didn't do the one thing you did for over a century. You didn't protect her."

He snarled and pushed her away from him.

"You were here in your own little world playing house with the Slayer of all things while she was out there alone facing God only knows what. Living out your own little fantasy while your Sire was fighting for her life and losing." Was there such a thing as degrees of hate when it was about yourself? With each word she could feel it pile into her chest. The pain in her heart was like a lead weight. But she would finish get through with what needed to be done because she had to. For him.

He was inches from her face now and the amber wasn't just flashing anymore.

"Your demon is in pain because it failed. Failed at the one thing it was supposed to do."

"What the bloody hell do you know about anything you bint? You think I choose to stay away from her. She was the one that pushed me away."

"Just like all the others wasn't she? Me, her, that girl that scorned William and broke his heart all those years ago. Hell Harmony even dumped you. But that's why it hurts so much isn't it. Because no matter what you do you can't seem to keep the girl."

She watched his fist finally rise into the air and closed her eyes.

"Do it Spike." She said the words quietly and reopened her eyes. "Go on hit me."

He snarled and grabbed he roughly by the shirt holding her in place. But she didn't move. She hardly breathed as she waited for his decision.

"You know you want to. Go ahead do it." He seemed to look into the quiet acceptance of her face and think. His eyes flickering between her and the fist he had in the air. Back and forth she watched as his eyes slid from one to the other.

Finally he pushed her away and she flopped ungracefully onto the couch.

"Why are you doing this?" The words still contained the fury she'd seen but they asked the right question.

"Because the Spike I care about isn't here. He's buried somewhere in the shell that's standing in my living room and I don't know how else to reach him. If you get mad, haul off and hit me at least I know you’re still alive in there. Anything to give me some type of clue that he still exists." She could feel tears coming down her face now. It was almost over she knew, she just had to hold out a little longer. "So go ahead I'll be your own personal punching bag if that's what it takes and for an extra bonus I won't even hit back."

His eyes seemed to take her face in for the first time. And she felt a little sprig of hope settle into her chest.

He sunk bonelessly to the floor his blue eyes never leaving her face.

"Buffy bloody fuckin' hell what was I going to do?"

"What your demon needs you to do. Either fight and kill until it’s satisfied or bond with family and grieve together. Until you do one or the other you won't be able to heal and you'll just continue to slip away. And God help me Spike but I've tried and I can't watch you lose yourself this way, it hurts too much. I'd rather be dead. So choose. Take it out on me or call Angel. It's up to you."

The fury seemed to drain out of his face and a look of wide-eyed horror take its place.

"What are you sayin' that you want me to-"

"You heard what I said. At least if it's me I don't have to worry about all the innocent people on the other side of that door. You're so close to the edge now. It wouldn’t take much to push you over and with your demon in a blind rage do you really think the part of you that wants to stop will be able too? So decide."

His face went slack and his eyes glazed over as he began to think. Buffy kept chanting to herself that it was almost over. The word soon echoed over and over in her mind.

She watched as he focused back on her a decision made.

"How do I get in touch with the Poof?"

She walked to the phone and grabbed it and the slip of paper she had used earlier. Handing them to him silently she went into the kitchen and made a quick cup of tea. She barely heard him ask for Angel before she made it to her room.

Sitting on the bed she put her back against the headboard and drew her legs up to her chest clasping her hands around them. She rocked herself gently while she sat in the dark and waited.

Buffy was unsure how much time had passed before she heard a timid tap on her door.

"Come in Spike."

The hesitant steps he took towards her bed gave her a chance to uncurl her legs.

"I'm going to LA."

She had thought that might be the outcome. And it was the one that held the most promise. She nodded her head slowly.

"When do you leave?"

"Couple a hours. Peaches has a private jet and all."

She really had nothing to say to that.

"Buffy, pet I'm-"

"Don't Spike. Don't apologize I pushed you intentionally it's not your fault."

"But-"

"No. Just don't okay? Do you want me to see you off?"

" 'Salright I think I can manage on my own." She nodded again.

He turned and headed out of her room.

With the door closed she was surrounded by darkness again. She curled herself up into a ball on the bed and finally let the tears come.





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