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Author's Chapter Notes:
Just to answer a few questions...
Of course this will be spuffy but only after there is much angst which is why I used the angst genre.
Lots left to do.

Thanks to everyone for the really terrific reviews you don't know how much they make me smile. Thank you.

Please continue to tell me what you think and I will write as fast as possible. Thanks again.
The first month that he had been gone she had settled into a welcoming routine. Work was good for her, she had an understanding boss and getting time off to slay something that had crawled into town was no problem for once. She went patrolling in the early evenings sometimes finding an evil creature and some nights there weren't any.

But it was the hours in between when she was at the apartment that the unwelcome feeling came sweeping into her core.

As each day had passed she had finally realized that now, even though she was the longest lived Slayer ever, she had become just like them. She was alone.

But she dealt cause she had to.

As the second month started to drag by she found herself at Jeff's shop more often before she started work. She had found that she could find a little escape in reading for joy. Something she wouldn't have considered when she had still been in school and it would have been something she would have had no time to do with her friends and sister around. Jeff was nice and always left the corner chair she liked empty just for her. He had even recommended a few books and to her surprise she had enjoyed them.

But with this quiet escape came the fact that the message she had wanted the demon world to get was finally out. It seemed that they knew she had relocated and they were starting to come out of the woodwork. Where before she had occasional nights of no slayage that was past her now. There was something every night.

The pattern continued however. The time she spent on her own in the apartment always reminded her of just how alone she was.

When the third month had begun and she still hadn't heard from Spike she had the guts to finally realize that she might have gone to far. It didn't matter that she had done what he needed, not to her, she had manipulated his feelings into a reaction she could use. Drove him to a point that would get through to his ruined psyche, in the hope he would seek help. Hey maybe she had learned something from Maggie Walsh after all. The heart of the matter wasn't what she felt about any of it though. It was entirely possible that she had finally done the one thing that even he thought she would never do. She had finally managed to drive him away.

After a week or two of letting that horrible sentiment wash into her soul she found that she wasn't at all surprised. He wasn't the first man she had driven from her life in one form or another and he just might be the last.

She didn't waste time trying to kid herself. Buffy knew that her heart was a wounded animal and she wouldn't let some stranger inside to try and get a piece of it. It had been guarded well by her head the last few years and she wouldn't soon give that up. No, new people and her feelings were worlds that were sure never to collide.

So in everyday interaction she talked to people she encountered but never about anything personal and whenever such topics would appear she would change the subject. Closing herself off from people was the only guarantee that they couldn't hurt her.

But in a way it was what drove her to be so open with her sister. The letters they traded became more frequent and she found that she was telling Dawn everything she was experiencing good or bad, and rehashing the past she thought she would never share. They had started to call each other and it was soothing listening to her sister's voice. Buffy still hadn't talked to Willow but she knew that she would soon. With every passing day the ache she felt at their treatment that one night was fading just a little.

As the fall colors began to show on the trees she dragged herself through month number four.

This month was different however and it wasn't different in a good way either.

Some things remained the same. She still kept to herself only sharing when communicating with her sister and she still had no news about Spike.

Wondering about him was almost like an obsession, probably because it had been so long now. The fact that Angel had yet to speak to her either let her hold on to the hope that whatever happened the two of them had found some way to meet in a middle ground and let Spike heal. Her hope kept her from making a call to that solitary number pinned up on her wall by the phone. Calling would undoubtedly confirm what she already knew. He was fine he just didn't wish to speak to her.
It was to soon for that thought to be made real, too painful a reality.

Denial was still a much more comfortable place to be.

And even though she was working less and slaying more, an added advantage when your boss knows you're the Slayer and wants his city and family protected while paying you no less, the regular drum beat of her life kept going.

But the dreams had started almost as the first leaf started to fall from the trees, letting October tumble into November.

It was a Slayer dream. Well she had had enough of them to be able to tell. But different was the order of the times and for the first time ever they were reoccurring. She woke every night clutching at her stomach sitting up in bed. Some nights she would cry and others she knew her scream was waking the people that lived in the building. But the dream was the same.

She stood in a large cavern her hands tightly clutching an ornate dagger, facing the snarling face of a demon she had never seen before. It was close to seven feet tall, deep red skin rippled along a thickly muscled form. While it stood on two legs it's four arms moved threateningly, two of which brandished weapons. The single horn that protruded from its forehead made it look like a charging rhino, at least that was her impression of it.

The movements of their fight were fluid neither gaining much ground until Buffy could sense a presence behind her. It was something that drew all of her attention and no matter how much she focused she couldn't figure out who or what it was. But the distraction was enough for the creature to take the advantage. It was like fire as the sword it held sunk into her chest and slid down to her stomach. The sensation of pain was realistic enough and it was that feeling that caused her to wake.

Tonight was no different as she sat panting, trying to bring herself under control. There was something she remembered this time though and she fumbled on her nightstand for a pen and her notebook. Quickly before it could fade she drew the symbol she had seen on the demon's chest. For good measure she sketched the dagger she had held in her dream as well. Finished she closed her eyes for a moment and let her body relax.

It was then that she heard it. A faint noise coming from another room, the sound like cloth rubbing together.

She grabbed a sword she had left in the room from slaying earlier and made her way silently into the hall. The noise came again and it sounded like it was in the other bedroom. The door was open slightly and she pushed it quietly with two soft steps she stood behind the figure standing in front of the bed in the dark. She pressed her sword against its back.

"Who are you and what the hell do you think you're doing?" She was slightly satisfied when she saw a jump of surprise.

Reaching the wall behind her she flicked on the light. The person, as she could see now, turned around slowly.

She blinked her eyes twice at the figure before her. She knew that face. It had been awhile but the recognition was still there.

"Wesley?"

"Uh yes. Hello Buffy." Wesley?

She dropped the sword to her side pushing at the confusion in her head. Her eyes slid away from his face and glanced at the bed behind him. The open, half filled bag that sat there was explanation enough.

"Oh." She shook her head. It was something she should have expected if not prepared herself for.

"Buffy? Are you alright?"

"I'm- I'm fine. Really why wouldn't I be? Um you're packing?" His eyes looked a little haunted to her. Maybe a little regretful. She wondered why.

"Yes, uh you see, well, this is a little awkward."

She turned and leaned the sword against the wall. He didn't know the half of it.

"It's okay Wesley. I can guess that Spike asked you to get his things." Maybe it was the look of resignation in her eyes or maybe it was the way her face fell but she could have sworn a look of pain crossed his face for a brief moment.

"He did."

"I wish you would have used those English manners you and Giles were always on about and knocked on my door at a reasonable hour."

The embarrassment coloring his cheeks made her feel slightly better. Just a smidge.

"I apologize about that Buffy but I was told-"

"And I'm thinking I so don't want to hear how that sentence ends because it will piss me off."

"Right. May I just say that I'm sorry then?"

"Apology accepted." She went over and sat on the corner of the bed. She wanted desperately to ask but wasn't able to make her mouth form the right words. "So big evil law firm huh? How's that working out for you guys?"

The question seemed to take him aback for a moment obviously not what he was expecting.

"It's challenging but we're learning to cope." She thought that there was a lot more to that statement somehow.

She gave him a really critical looksy. The tweedy watcher she had known briefly was gone and had been replaced by a more confident man.

"You've changed." It was a statement of acknowledgement.

"So have you."

The irony made her give a short snort of ill humor.

"Dying does that to you." It was a dismissal she knew. "I'll let you finish then." She stood taking a few steps to the door.

"I just wanted to ask." She kept her back to him unable to look in his eyes.

"Ask what?" She was grateful for the lack of judgment in his voice.

"How is he? Did it at least help?"

His silence made her skin itch. The thoughts of the last few months making themselves into an almost physical sensation.

"Yes. The first month was rough but he's back to what Angel assures me is his old self."

Her head hung at his words. It was true. The fact that Wesley of all people was here to collect the few things that were left in the apartment spoke volumes to her.

"Then I did the right thing." Her foot had begun to move forward when his hand touched her shoulder. She stopped and turned towards him.

"How are you Buffy?"

She knew her eyes conveyed her sense of loneliness that she couldn't hide at this time of night.

"Coping." With a big helping of hardly.

When she went to turn again his movement stopped her. He held his hand out toward her his palm facing upward. Centered in it was Spike's key to the apartment.

"He wanted me to leave this with you."

"No. Tell him to keep it." She thought for a minute her brain centering on the images of the dream she'd lived for almost a month. "I might be..." she struggled to find a word that wouldn't cause more questions. "Moving on from here. He can use it however he wants if I go. And he'll always be welcome here."

He nodded his head in understanding. "Is there anything you want me to tell him?"

"Yeah. Tell him, tell him I'm sorry."

"I will. Is there any thing you need?" The question jolted another thought.

"Actually there is something."

"Is it something I can do for you?"

"Yeah this is definitely up your alley. Just give me a second." She walked to her room and tore the page from her notebook. Returning she handed it to Wesley. "I saw these in a dream. I've been trying to do my own research but the books I can get here are nowhere near what Giles had. And I figure Big Evil corporation and all you have to have some kind of access to stuff."

"Then you want me to get you some information on these?"

"If you wouldn't mind." She quickly scrawled her number at the bottom of the sheet.

"What happens in the dream?"

Quick severely edited version.

"Um not much. I'm holding that dagger and me and this big red demony guy with four arms and a horn fight. He had that symbol on his chest."

"Any idea where you were?"

"No. It mostly centered on the fight." She smiled for the first time since she had found him. "Now you sound like the Wesley I knew."

"Don't remind me about him."

"Thank you for doing this Wes. I know I wasn't the easiest to get along with back then."

"It was understandable. We both were a little young."

Buffy let out a small chuckle. "And look at us now. I've finally turned into the slayer the council was looking for. All solitary and everything and look no council."

The bag was packed and the sound of the zipper closing drew a final finality to the night.

"I'll contact you as soon as I have the information."

"Thank you. Could I ask for one more thing?" She waited for his nod. "Could we keep this research thing just between us? I don't want to involve either of them."

"If that's what you want."

"It is."

She walked him to the front door. Opening it she let him step through and out into the hall.

"Good bye Buffy."

She watched as he walked to the elevator and stepped inside.





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