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Chapter 15

She was different. Spike couldn't pinpoint it exactly, but suddenly it was like the woman of his dreams had met the woman of his wildest fantasies. She was sweet and sexy, willing and in control, all at the same time. He'd expected to find her curled up in bed, waiting. A little nervous perhaps. He was a bit shaky himself. Felt like he'd been gone for ages. Starting to wonder if he'd imagined it all. But here she was. Sliding the shirt off his shoulders. Undoing the buttons on his jeans. His hands were shaking as he ripped the condom packet open, but hers weren't as she pushed the jeans down his legs. No fumbling. No hesitation. She wanted control, and bloody hell. It was exciting.

But it was all going to be over too fast. He wanted to do it slowly, carefully, but she had other ideas. She thrust her hips up sharply when he entered her, making the decision herself, how she wanted it to be. And he came in such a rush that it seemed like an eternity before he could do anything but just lie, sprawled over her, trying to breathe. Trying to come back from the amazing place she'd sent him. Trying to form some kind of coherent words, and ask her if she was okay. A moment like this called for poetry. Sweet words of endearment. But the only words he could think of were fuck and sweet Jesus and what the hell's she going to be like when she's had some practice?

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She'd done it. Buffy Summers was no longer a virgin. She wanted to put an ad in the New York Times. Better still, get one of those skywriters to fly over her home town and announce it to everyone. For a moment she just lay there, stroking Spike's head as he struggled to control his breathing, and savoured the moment. This was something else. More than turning eighteen, more than passing your driver's test, more than moving into your first house. Spike rolled off her, and flopped down on the pillow beside her, turning his head to give her a slightly wonky grin. She smiled back at him and brought her hand up to caress the side of his face. Her beautiful, sexy Spike who'd made her feel like no-one had ever come close to. She felt like she was flying a million miles above the earth. Dizzy with elation.

This was why it had been so important to wait. She'd never quite understood why she'd held off, when all her friends seemed to be doing it like bunnies. There'd been lots of times when she could have got it over and done with. Ticked it off on a list of things to do. But she'd always known she'd regret giving it away so casually. She'd given Spike her heart, her body, and if he didn't stop looking at her like that, he was damned well going to get her soul as well.

And then she felt her face crumpling. It was too much. All these feelings at once and she couldn't hold them. "Spike." She groped for him as the tears started to flow and felt his arms come round her and pull her close.

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"Hey baby." Oh god, he'd hurt her. Gone barrelling in like a bloody prize stud. He should have had more control. He hadn't even asked her how she was.


"Buffy, look at me." He was too scared to ask. "Did I hurt you Buffy? Should'a been more careful, should'a..."

Her hand came over his mouth and silenced him.

"No Spike, don't ever think that." She gave a little hiccup, and wiped at the tears with her other hand. "It was just, I don't know, too wonderful. You're just..."

"Shh, baby." Spike closed his eyes tightly and let the words sink in. He hadn't hurt her. When he's seen those tears he'd nearly...

"I've just gone all, " she hiccuped again, her mouth making strange shapes as she tried to talk. I've gone all wobbly inside. Don't know why. One minute I'm up there, and then..."

"It's okay Buffy." He'd messed it up. Her first time, she'd told him it was. And he'd made a complete cock-up of it. Should have said sweet words, insisted they go slow, held her. Anything other than make her cry. The last person he'd want to make cry.

She was still shaking a little as he held on to her. And he was holding on to her. As if she'd disappear if he let go. He was holding her so tight, he was shaking too.

"Spike." Her voice was muffled by his chest. "I can't breath." A little laugh. That was good. He loosened his hold on her and checked out her face. She was smiling again, thank-god. It was a very wobbly one, but it was there. He settled her on his shoulder and pulled the quilt up round them both.

"Tell me Buffy." He wanted reassurance, but she needed to sort out her feelings too. Guessed it was different for a woman, the first time. He remembered his. Had walked around like he owned the place, for days after. It had made him feel ten feet tall, and he couldn't even remember the girl's face. Then, it hadn't been important. But it was now.

He felt her breathing calm down, and her hand coming up to his chest. Her fingers moving restlessly over his skin. She'd scared him with those tears. Maybe there'd been too much of a build up to this, and they should have waited. Sorted out their feelings. This wasn't just a fuck, he realised. This was making love. A heck of a lot harder to handle. He hadn't known it till now. Thought he knew what love was. How it felt. Well, now he knew. It felt like this.

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"I'm just a bit overwhelmed by it all, I guess." She was feeling a lot calmer now. Didn't quite know what had come over her. "I just wanted you so much, Spike. These last few days, I've been so wound up. Guess it all just came out at once. But," she shifted herself onto her elbow so she could look at him. "You were wonderful. Is it always like this?"

"No, love, never made a girl cry in bed before."

"But it's happy crying, Spike. Anyway, you're looking at the girl who cries at television commercials. You know that one for that animal charity? Gets me every time. And that one with the cute little animals and the toilet rolls. Every time I go to Disney World, when I see Mickey Mouse, see I'm starting up again. And don't even mention Bambi."

She wiped the remnants of the tears off her face. "Are you worried I won't want to do this again?"

"Kind'a."

"Then don't be. I just need to sort this out a bit, that's all. And thanks for letting me talk. You're good at that, you know. Have to call you Saint Spike, if you get any more understanding. Do you have any faults?"

"Yeah, plenty love. You don't want to know."

No, I don't, she thought. Not right now. This was enough. Spike had let her set the pace, but she'd been too impatient. It had been his first time, of sorts. The first time with her, and she'd let her fear of Drusilla spoil it for him. That confrontation had got to her more than she'd realised. When he'd got back from the supermarket, she'd just wanted to claim him. Prove to herself that he was hers, and she was as good as Drusilla. Must have scared him to death when she'd burst out crying. He was still holding her too tightly, the muscles on his arms and shoulders bunched up. Didn't look or feel at all relaxed.

"Spike. You've got to help me in this. I know you said I could set the pace, but, you've had more experience than me. I want things - too much - sometimes. I go rushing in...

This time, he silenced her. "I get it Buffy. You did scare me with the crying, but the fu..., the love making. That was bloody amazing for me too." He picked up her hand and started kissing her fingers, one by one. "And I promise it can only get better."

"You also promised me waffles." She let out a small gasp as he bit down gently on the finger he was kissing.

"I'd rather have you."

"Waffles first. Then me?" This was majorly weird. Two minutes ago she'd wanted to wait, sort out her feelings and now she just wanted to jump his bones again?

"Okay." He let go of her hand and sat up. "You just stay there. Gonna feed you up, then..."

"You're gonna make love to me, nice and slow. Yeah?"

"Yeah." He leaned in to kiss her, but she twisted away. "Waffles first, go, now."

He swung his legs out of the bed and pulled on his jeans. Then slipped his bare feet into his shoes. "Left the bloody things in the car. Was in too much of a hurry."

"Guess we both were." She pulled the quilt back round her. The cover definitely needed changing. Perhaps she'd buy him a new one, with matching pillow cases. Ahh. There was the old Buffy back again. She hadn't changed that much if she was still able to think about interior design, when she had a semi-naked Spike sitting next to her.

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Spike picked up the crumpled shirt and shrugged into it, doing up the buttons as he walked out of the bedroom. They should have waited. What the hell had made him think that he could have spent the night with Buffy and not wanted to go all the way? He wasn't anything like the 'saint' that she thought he was. The last couple of days had been torture. He shook his head to clear the thoughts. It can only get better And it would. Right now, put the kettle on to boil, then get the waffles, then...what was that?


Something clinked against his shoe and he bent down to pick it up. Dru's keys. When had they got there? He used them to let himself out of the flat, and took the steps two at a time. Perhaps she'd dropped them yesterday? Surely he would have seen them? Had Dru been in the flat, spying on Buffy? Too many questions. Buffy would have told him if Dru had been there while he was out. Surely?


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Oscar Wilde. That's who he looked like. Buffy settled herself on one of the tables in the small lecture room. The professor gave her a cheery smile and she gave him a little wave back. He really had gone out of his way to make sure she'd settled into the department. More than a little motivated by her father's gift to the library, she suspected. Still, he was a nice man, and she had no idea what Oscar Wilde looked like really. Just thought he looked Oscar Wildish.


As the room began to fill, she moved over so someone could sit next to her, groaning inwardly when she saw who was making a bee-line towards her.

"Buffy." The girl hitched herself up and wriggled to get comfortable, almost pushing her off.

"Hi Anya." Buffy wriggled back, trying to reclaim her territory. "You're going on the trip?"

"Yes, isn't it exciting? Oh god, he's here." She dug Buffy in the ribs, almost pushing her off the table again. "William Giles. Isn't he dreamy?"

Buffy looked up to see Spike enter the room, carrying a stack of papers, which he plopped down on the table. She immediately felt herself colouring and looked down, then sideways at Anya. Who, she noticed was all but drooling. Anya leaned behind her and spoke in a staged whisper.

"I think he fancies me. Gonna be a verrry interesting weekend."

Buffy's eyes widened. Anya had the hots for Spike? Anya, the nosiest and most annoying student in the whole department. And she was coming on the field trip. They weren't going to get any privacy at all!

"Don't you just want to run your fingers through that hair?" Anya giggled like a five year old and Buffy had a real struggle to keep a straight face.

"I suppose so." She tried to sound non-committal, but she'd been doing just that a few hours ago. A lot more than that. He was sitting chatting with the professor, waiting for the last few students to arrive for the meeting. Looking cool, and very business-like. Nothing like the hot, sweaty body she'd showered with, just this morning. The man she'd watched putting his contacts in. Who'd almost made love to her in the car in the university car-park. Now she had to sit here and pretend he was just another person going on the field trip. Her tutor, in fact. Forbidden territory. He looked up and caught her eye. Gave her a wink. Anya jumped.

"Did you see that? He winked at me."

Buffy almost choked on the laugh she was trying to cover up. It turned into a coughing fit, which made everyone in the room turn and look at her. Including Spike, who had a mystified and slightly worried look on his face.

Buffy flapped her hand in the air as she fought for control, trying to indicate that she was okay, and that the prof should start. But she couldn't concentrate on a word he was saying. Anya was like a leech when she'd decided she was going to be your friend. If she'd got it into her head that she had any chance with Spike, they were never going to get rid of her. The prof started on the car-sharing arrangements and Buffy heard her name.

"Miss Summers, I expect you would like a lift, being new to this country." He gave her a nod. "Now who would like to volunteer their services?"

Every male in the room put their hands up. Except one. Andrew, a short, blond-haired lad, who, Buffy noticed, was also gazing lovingly at Spike.

"I'll take her." It was Spike. He said it very calmly, staring pleasantly at the group of students. One by one the hands went down, and a disappointed murmur rippled around the room. Anya's shot up.

"And me too. I don't have a car."

Buffy's head shot round to look at her.

"Neither do I." It was Andrew, being unusually assertive.

Buffy's head shot round the other way to look at him. Perhaps if they chopped Spike into little pieces they could all have a bit? At this rate there wasn't going to be any romantic weekend at all. They were going to have to spend the whole weekend hiding from Spike's fan club.

The prof nodded in agreement and finished organising the rest of the group. Anya talked all the way through Spike's bit, so Buffy didn't get to hear any of it. Then she insisted that Buffy have lunch with her, during which she spent the whole time planning her 'Seduction of Spike', as she called it. When Buffy finally got away, she was almost late for the appointment she'd made. She checked her watch and hurried across the campus to the University medical centre. And that was where she finally caught up with Willow.

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She checked in at the desk and sat down by her friend. "Willow, are you sick?" She scanned her friend's face, but she didn't look particularly ill. In fact she was positively glowing.

Willow looked equally concerned for her. "I'm fine, Buffy, how are you?"

"Fine." Buffy sat herself down next to Willow, wondering what she was doing here if she wasn't sick. They both sat in silence for a moment, then Willow picked up a magazine and held it in front of her face.

"I'm going on the pill."

Buffy sat, stunned for a moment, then picked up a magazine of her own. "So am I."

Now it was Willow's turn. They both stared at each other for a moment, hidden behind their magazines, then Buffy started giggling. "So, have you done the dirty deed yet?"

Willow looked positively radiant. "Oh Buffy. It was just so perfect. The first time, well I just seemed to know what to do. It was absolutely amazing, right from the word go. We spent the whole day in bed, you know, just laughing and well, you know. I'm so happy Buffy."

She gave a little nod, indicating it was Buffy's turn to spill.

Buffy just stared back at her friend. It had been perfect from the word go? Shy, nerdy, Willow and disaster-date Xander had made perfect love from the word go? And she'd managed to make Spike think that he'd hurt her. She felt a totally uncharitable twinge of jealousy, and immediately squashed it flat. They'd more than made up for it over the course of the day, and Spike had told her over and over that it was okay. She was okay. But the spectre of her little emotional collapse wouldn't leave her alone. She'd kept re-playing it in her mind. Wishing she could turn back the clock and start again. Do it differently.

Willow was still looking at her, expectantly.

"Yeah." Buffy managed a smile. "Like you said. Right from the word go. Perfect."

"You were right Buffy. You do have to make things happen. If you hadn't dragged me to that club, you wouldn't have met Spike and I wouldn't have met Xander. Oh, how did it go with Dru?"

"Finished, but Willow, she turned up."


Willow's eyes widened. "Not while you were..."

"No, but she nearly did. There's something about her Will. I don't think she'd going to give him up that easily."

"But Spike told her to go, yeah?"

"Spike wasn't there. He'd gone...shopping. He doesn't know, Will."

"But you're going to tell him right? Buffy, you can't keep that from him."

"I don't know. Maybe. Does Xander know, you know, about me and Spike?"

"No. Haven't said a word. Do you want me to?"

"No. Not yet. Oh crap."

Willow looked round, "What?"

"By the door. Look who's just come in."

"Oh no."

Willow sank down in her chair, bringing the magazine right up to her face. Buffy did the same. They both cowered there for a moment, trying not to laugh or be seen. Then a hand came over the top of the magazines and pushed them down.

"Ha. Thought it was you two."

They both stared up into Anya's face, as she stared triumphantly down at them.

"So, you're both sick?"

Willow and Buffy nodded in unison, both still in their cowering-from-Anya positions.

"You too?" Buffy managed to speak.

"Oh no, right-as-rain. I'm here for other reasons." She winked and nodded her head knowingly.

Buffy sank even lower in her chair. And watched Anya bounce perkily to the desk to check in. Other reasons?

Willow lifted her magazine again and raised her eyebrows. "Anya has a boyfriend? Oh-my-god. Can you just imagine what he looks like?"

"Yeah," Buffy replied, all hopes of being alone with Spike for even five minutes next weekend flying out of the window. "I can."

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Spike sat on a bench in the courtyard outside the medical centre, waiting for Buffy. He'd offered to go in with her, but had been mighty glad when she'd refused him. Doctor's waiting rooms - not his idea of fun. This was the most sensible option, he supposed. Didn't like condoms, although in the light of what he suspected, he was glad he'd had to use them with Dru. Pill hadn't suited her she'd said. Couldn't remember when they'd used the last one up, though It had been that long since they'd slept together.

And Buffy had absolutely insisted on doing this, today. He smiled to himself. Buffy was one determined cookie, when she wanted to be. She must have given her parents hell, growing up. And the nuns. He wished he could have seen that.

He stood up to greet her as she came out. Feeling the familiar stirring down below that he seemed to be getting every time he set eyes on her. Just as well she was going on the pill. Condoms required a certain amount of forethought and planning and the way he was feeling...well, he could imagine more than a few spontaneous moments in the near future, and the last thing he wanted was to get Buffy pregnant.

He was imagining one right now. She looked kind of shy as she came towards him. She did that. Just for a split second, every time they were apart. That coy, sideways look. As if she wanted reassurance that what they were doing was real. He grabbed her, and lifted her off her feet. Kissed her. Forgetting that it was him that insisted they be careful about being seen. Wondered if she'd come back to his little closet-like study with him. Wondered where the nearest men's toilets with a condom machine was. Her legs were creeping round his waist. His hands, hitching her up by her bottom.

Someone whistled, and she slid down him, burying her head in his chest. Giggling with embarrassment. They weren't going to make it, at this rate. He took her hand and almost dragged her across the courtyard. Into the building. Taking the stairs two at a time. No-one about. Stopping at the top for another, out-of-breath kiss. Pushing her through the door of his tiny office. Kissing her again. Fumbling in his pocket for change, as he deposited her on the desk.

"Back in two secs. Buff." He had to peel her off him. Leaving her sitting there with a dazed look on her face, as he desperately tried to remember where the nearest men's bathroom was. He took the stairs again, coat flying behind him, turned the corner and banged straight into someone coming the other way. It took a moment to register who it was.

"Xander?" Not now please. The computer game was the last thing on his mind. He tried to side-step him, but Xander moved with him, blocking his way. "Can't stop man. Catch you later." He side-stepped again, but Xander wasn't giving way. Christ, he hadn't seen them had he?

"What's up Xander?" He didn't really need to ask. The look of cold anger on his friend's face, told him everything he needed to know. Spike held up his hands, palms forwards. "It's not what you think."

Xander, folded his arms, and looked him straight in the eye.

"Okay Spike. My best buddy. My pal. You're the one with the words. Explain it to me. Feeling a bit dim today. Just why were you and Buffy practically shagging in the courtyard? When you are supposed to be going out with my sister?





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