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Chapter Eleven

Love. Of course. How did he manage to miss that? He supposed it was because he never gave it much thought. It was like breathing, or the sun setting, or waking up in the morning. It simply was. It was not love that was driving the wedge between them though. No, that was all him. He’d been so caught up in Buffy loving him back, in seeing him as a man and more than pushover William that he’d never thought to show her the love he felt. He wanted to be a man for her, but he wasn’t putting any of his love behind his actions.
And, it was about possession. Spike in him wanted her all to himself, wanted to possess her and brand her as his. William understood she was a free spirit and as such could not be possessed. There had to be a happy medium.

“Why Dru?” he whispered into the phone. “Why are you helping me?”

“So you’ll truly live,” she said simply.

“Why me?”

“So much all around you. Hope. Fear. Love. Doubt. No direction, just will. I couldn’t not help.”

“Do you . . . do you do this often?”

“That remains a secret, naughty boy. Now sshhh...think. What to do? What does Spike want to do?”

“He wants to find her and bring her back home. By her hair if I have to. He also wants to snap Rileys fingers off for touching her.”

She cackled, “Caveman, he is. And William? What does William wish? Think hard. I’m sure it’s not that far removed from Spike.”

Spike took a shaky breath. “He wants to find her and bring her back home. But with less violence to Riley.”

She laughed heartily. “That’s my boy. Now blend them. Make them. . . ONE.”
“Make William and Spike one?”
So that was the happy medium?

“Now he’s getting it . . . you must be one for the sun to come back.”
Spike gulped and nodded, not thinking how pointless that was since she couldn’t see him. Somehow though, he knew she understood.

“I have to go now, Dru.”

“Will Mummy see you tonight?”

“I uh. . . I have to find Buffy.”

“Tsk, tsk. Bad dog,” she scolded. “Too much fervor and the storm rolls in.
Lightening crashes and the rain pours, blinding reason.”

“Good-bye Dru, I’ll call you soon,” and he hung up. Getting to his feet, Spike wiped some errant tears away and straightened his gait. What Dru told him dashed across his mind, causing his thoughts to become befuddled. He only knew he had to get Buffy back. He just didn’t know how.

In the end he didn’t go after Buffy. He knew storming after her would only drive her further away. Even if she was with Finn.
He sat and pondered instead. He thought about how he’d always loved Buffy from afar, but had never admitted it to himself out of fear. He thought about the man inside of him, the one that wanted to stand up to the likes of Riley Finn and all those others that underestimated him and his abilities to be the stand up kind of guy that he knew was inside him all along. The man that Buffy needed. Why had he stopped himself from ever being him?

Fear.

There was that word again. What was it about fear that stopped you from doing what you most want? It was
crippling. It suffocated him; shut him inside a shell where he
pined away for Buffy and for a different lease on life. He’d
been afraid of what others would think, how they would
react to him. . .

He snorted. And look at how Buffy had reacted. Then again,
how could he blame her? Did he really think he could change
himself within a span of hours and have her just accept him?
He’d gone from Jeckyl to Hyde. How did he think she’d react?

He’d really bullocksed it all up. He was just so afraid of losing
her that he’d gone and inadvertently pushed her away and
blamed HER for not accepting him. William wouldn’t have done
that.

Of course. Combine the two to make one. Spike needed some
William and William needed some Spike. God, he was thick.
He really was a stupid git sometimes.



“He’s a . . . a . . git,” Buffy burst out, her words slightly
slurring now.

Riley looked at her, half confused and half amused. When
she’d suggested they go out for drinks instead of to a cafe,
he had no idea that he’d have a Buffy on a mission to get
sloshed on his hands. And, he had no idea when he’d asked
how William was these days; he’d get their biography over
the past few years. Apparently Buffy had a lot to get off her
chest. Not that Riley minded. He held no such illusion that he’d
ever get anywhere with Buffy Summers. That ship had sailed
no matter how he’d grown or what the passage of time
brought. Besides, he had a romance of his own that was
developing. He just thought it’d be nice to play catch up.

“What’s a git, Buffy?” Riley asked as she tipped back another
shot.

Buffy’s eyebrows knit together in confusion and Riley
couldn’t help but think how adorable it was.

“You know...I don’ know...” and then she laughed. “Jus’
somethin’ that William—Spike—says.”

“Buffy, do you love him?” Riley asked gently.

“Why does everyone keep askin’ me that?” she asked,
throwing her hands up in the air.

“Because I asked how William was and I got your history
from the moment you saved him from my bullying ways to
now. Plus, you seem awfully distressed over a haircut.”

“He dyed it Riley! It’s not JUST a haircut. And his curls!” She
waved her hand, “Gone!”

“I bet you don’t give much thought to Willow changing her
hair.”

“Well . . . no.”

“Which begs the question. Are you in love with him?”

“I’m hurt by him. I don’t understand him. He meets some...Goth
girl.... and he becomes ‘Spike’. He’s rude and demanding and
moody and,” she sniffled, “he’s not my William.”

“Well, Buffy...William was a wuss—“

“He was NOT a wuss!” Buffy exclaimed, glaring at
Riley. “And you’re very rude for saying so.”

“Okay, maybe ‘wuss’ was too strong a word.
He was...sensitive.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Buffy said
indignantly, huffily crossing her arms and turning her head
away from Riley.

Riley sighed. Backtrack time. “Buffy, why do you think I
picked on him in high school? He was an easy target. He
always had his nose in a book, he just looked weak.”

“Are you trying to help here Riley?” Buffy asked
sarcastically. “Now I remember why I dumped you.”

“Look Buffy, all I’m saying is that maybe William got tired of
being someone that bullies picked on. Maybe he wanted to
change. Maybe, he wanted to get himself out of lockers
instead of you coming to save the day for him.”

Buffy’s lip quivered. “You mean maybe he doesn’t want me
around anymore?”





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