Chapter 23
He wasn't kidding when he said he wanted to treat her. Although she wondered when he chose the expensive Italian restaurant if he'd be able to afford rent this month after this.
Dinner was quiet, strained even. William kept talking as if that would distract her from what was on her mind and convince her that all was well while Buffy sat there wondering when the perfect time to break up with him was.
Was there ever a really good time to break up with someone? And how did you make them understand that it was for their own good? Well, that was maybe partly true. It was for selfish reasons as well. Would he ever forgive her for that? Could she really blame him if he didn't?
"I think we should go away some weekend—" William rambled.
She snapped to attention at that. "Go away? What? William, no."
He looked like a child that just got his favorite toy taken away. "Why not?"
"Because. . . "
"Because why?"
"Because I said so."
"What are you? My mother now?" he asked, irritably.
"Will, we'll talk about this later okay? Let's just finish our dinner."
"Dammit Buffy, you've barely spoken two words, you flinch when I touch you—Did I
do something wrong when we—? Did I say something wrong?"
"No, Will, listen," she reached across the table and took his hand. "We'll talk after—"
"Tell me. It's killing me. Just tell me, please. I can feel it in the air all around us.
Something just dangling there between us; wedging between us." He was stroking her hand
softly.
"Yeah, me," she muttered.
"Is it what we talked about this afternoon?"
"Some."
"What can I do to make those bad thoughts go away hmmm?"
She stared at him, at his hopeful and loving face. There was no right time to do this was
there? Alone, in public, on a Saturday or during the week. No good time. Ever.
"Will, I think you should see other people," she blurted out.
He stared at her, frozen. Then, "Come again?"
"I'm letting you go."
He gripped her hand tightly. "I don't want to be let go."
"Trust me, you need to do this," she said determinedly.
"No, I don't. I don't need to go anywhere, I don't need to be let go—Let go of what?
You? Us?"
"Yes," she said quietly.
He shook his head. "No. I'm not going anywhere. I don't know what craziness you've
cooked up in that head of yours, but I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to let you shove
me away."
"I'm not shoving you away, Will. I'm setting you free."
His grip tightened even more on her hand. She winced and he loosened her just a bit.
"Why are saying this?" he demanded. "What are you doing? Why?"
"Will, everything you've done, it's been with me—moving, school, sex—"
"So? What's wrong with that? I love you."
"But—"
"There are no buts Buffy!" he shouted.
Silence fell in the restaurant followed by hushed whispers. Buffy tugged on her hand from his
grasp, mortified by his shouting. He appeared unfazed however. He was looking at her, his
eyes stormy, his expression angry.
"Can we talk about this after we leave please?" she whispered. "Can we not draw a crowd?"
"Fine," he bit out and reached into his pocket with one hand and threw some bills on
the table. He stood and tugged her to her feet.
"Will," she hissed.
"I don't care. You want to talk about this after we leave? Well, we're leaving now."
"This is one of those times where when I call you a brute it's NOT a compliment," she
told him angrily as he led her out of the restaurant.
"Do you want me to remind you of what we did after you called me that? Huh? Maybe that would make you forget this stupid nonsense."
"It's not nonsense!" she exclaimed once they'd reached outside. She yanked her hand free and stopped, right in front of the restaurant, right in the middle of the sidewalk. She was prepared to walk if he continued to act like a caveman.
"Yes it is!" he shouted at her. "What the fuck are you thinking? You're ‘letting me go', you're ‘setting me free'? That's bull shit and you know it!"
"Listen to me, please. I'm doing it for you—"
"You're not doing it for me, you're doing it for you. You've somehow gotten it in your head that I'm going to leave you, so you're leaving me before I can. Isn't that right Buffy?" he got in her face. "Isn't it?" he demanded.
She pushed him and stepped back. "I'm not going to lie. That is part of it."
"You selfish bitch," he spat.
She clenched her jaw. "Okay, I deserved that."
"You're right, you do!"
"Will, you've been changing so much about yourself. You've adopted a whole new way of looking at the world and how you want to approach it. You deserve the chance to see what you want to do with your brand new life. You don't need to be tied down to me—"
The anger left him and in its place was desperation. He gripped her arms and brought her closer to his body, begging her with tears shining in his eyes. "Buffy, you don't tie me down. I want to be with you, I choose to be with you. I love you."
"William, all these firsts you've had in your life has been with me. You feel safe with me, right?"
"Not right now I don't," he admitted, his voice wobbly.
Buffy let out a nervous chuckle, "Oh Will. I just want you to get a taste of the world
before you settle with me."
"Don't say that. Don't say ‘settle'. You make it sound as if there's other things in the
world that are better than you and by settling I'm just . . . settling. I don't want to ‘settle' Buffy.
I want to share my life with you. I want to love you and be with you and bask in everything
you have to offer."
"Will," she breathed, and caressed the side of her face, leaning her forward against his
as he held onto her tight. "Sometimes it's easy to confuse love and gratitude."
"Gratitude? Is this what I'm feeling right now? You're ripping my heart out and this is
gratitude?"
Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks and his. "Ever hear of the saying ‘If you love
something set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be'?" she
asked him.
"I'm yours Buffy, I'm yours, why can't you just accept it?"
"I want you to give yourself the chance to see what else is out there, without me. Just try
William. And when you're done and if you still want me, I'll be here waiting for you."
He buried his face into her neck, his hot tears wetting her neck. "I don't understand
why you're doing this," he whimpered.
"Because I want you to be sure that what you're feeling is real and not based on our past or sex or gratitude—"
"It's NOT."
"Prove it to me. I want you to try William. I'll move out if—"
"No," he gasped, meeting her eyes. "I couldn't stand it if I couldn't see—" he kissed her then, hard and possessive. He pleaded with her in that kiss and when his hands started to roam up her blouse frantically, she knew she had to put a stop to it. She grabbed his hands, halting him. He stopped kissing her and looked at her. She shook her head. He dropped his hands.
"I'll never forgive you for this," he whispered.
"I might not forgive me either," she told him.
"That doesn't comfort me, if it was meant to," he told her truthfully. "I think I might hate you for this Buffy."
She didn't tell him that she hated her for it too. But she had to be sure. And, one day he could wonder if he himself was sure. In the long run, this was the best thing, right? Setting him free to explore the world on his own without her there all the time. He'd done it just a bit without her and found his place in the world as ‘Spike'. He deserved to find more. Even it meant another girl. Even it meant that her own heart would be ripped to shreds.
Love sucked ass.
[Reviews - 615]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 3135 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
I wanted to thank everyone that have decided to stick it out. I promise to make it okay again. I also wanted to extend a special thanks to those that don't compltely hate Buffy and understand why she's doing what she's doing. The main theme of this piece is self discovery, and both of them are doing on that path. Have faith! :)