Chapter 24
"You realize you're dumb, right?"
"Yes, Wills. I know," Buffy said on a sigh later that night in Willow's apartment. After William and Buffy had left the restaurant and gone home, his anger had come back full force. He'd screamed at her and told her to get out, that he couldn't stand to look at her.
"I get it though."
Buffy's head snapped up from her cup of tea. "You do?"
"In a way. Let me plays devils advocate. May I?"
"Like I'd be able to stop you."
Willow smirked, "True."
"So, on your side, you're doing this because William feels safe with you and has only done th
ings with you by his side," Willow began.
"Yes. And I'm not just talking about sex here. I'm talking everything else."
"Okay, I get that. Can I finish?"
"Sorry, go ahead."
"So you think that his love for you could be out of gratitude. That because he feels safe with you and because he's done all these ‘firsts' with you, he placed these feelings on you."
"Right. He's never experienced other girls. He's never dated; he's never had girls that were just friends outside of you and me. And you he met through me."
"So if he made friends with girls would you be satisfied?"
Buffy smiled gently. "I was bent out of shape when he met Drusilla. I was jealous beyond belief. I didn't want him to be with her because I wanted him—"
"And now you're sending him out to be with someone else. That's the part that I kind of don't get."
"I still want him Wills. And I will be jealous if or when he does find someone else, but he deserves the chance to find out what else is out there for him."
"So if he does find someone else and falls in love?"
Buffy winced. "Then it was never meant to be," she said, her voice cracking with emotion. She took a deep breath. "Look what happened when he did meet Drusilla. He changed. And it was without me. He was right; he needed to do that without me. I was jealous because I wanted to be part of it. That was wrong of me, I see that now. He can't be the person he needs and wants to be with me there. I'm his safety net, the one he depends on and let's face it, I depend on him too. Sometimes the best things for us are the hardest things to do. He became a new man without me there, he discovered things about himself and how the world reacts to him with his newfound confidence. He should discover more, without me there to hinder him in any way."
"Has it occurred to you that he wants to share those things with you?"
"Where does it stop Wills? He's shared moving out with me, he's explored some of sex with me, he's shared going to college with me. There isn't much that he's done without me."
"So you want him to stand on his own two feet in the hopes that he'll learn more about himself in ways he might be stopped with you and in the process you hope he'll come back to you in the end," Wills summed up.
"Right."
"It's weird because. . . I want to smack you for it, and yet I want to almost . . . commend you for it too. Though I think commend is too strong a word. Buffy," she shook her head, "he loves you so much. I know he does and I don't think its gratitude at all. I also can't help but think that this is for selfish reasons for you. You're so afraid the day COULD come that he'll grow tired of you that you're shoving him away all on ‘might happen'. And then on the other hand, I know that sometimes you have to break free to see what you're capable of on your own, much like I did when I left my fathers home. I became self sufficient right quick, so I get what you're saying about discovering yourself on your own. You know what's really odd?"
"What?"
"I told him the night of the party," she chuckled, "last night as a matter of fact. Isn't funny how you can cram so much in a day?"
"Tell me about it," Buffy said dryly.
"I told him last night when he wanted to go hunting for you after you took your ‘I am woman, hear me roar' stand, to make you go looking for him. Buffy, don't you think it's possible that you're going to be the one looking for him at the end of all this? That maybe there's a chance he won't come back and you'll have lost out?"
Tears slipped from Buffy's eyes and she nodded.
The phone ringing startled Willow. "Who could possibly be calling at this hour? I'm not even on call." She grabbed the phone off the coffee table. "Hello? . . . Hi William."
Buffy looked up, wiping tears away and trying not to let him hear over the phone that she was a mess at the moment.
Willow looked at her sadly. "Yeah, Will, she's here. . . Have you been drinking? Yeah, she told me . . . Will, maybe you should call Xander and have him come over – Okay honey, you go to bed. . . Night."
"Is he all right? Should I go home?" Buffy asked, grabbing blindly for her purse that she'd strewn on the couch.
"No, stay. He's going to sleep it off. He just wanted to make sure you were here and not out with some guy."
"He thinks I let him go so I can be free," Buffy said softly.
"Probably, yes. He said you were off your bloody rocker."
"Can't really argue with him on that."
"You should get some sleep too, Buffy. Things have a way of looking clearer after some rest."
"Yeah," Buffy said distantly, remembering how after her nap that afternoon she hadn't felt rested at all which had led her down the path she was set on at the moment. "Do you have any sleeping pills? I just need something that will give me no choice but to sleep."
"Uh, yeah, I think I have something. Buffy – what are you going to do about living there? You can't stay there, it'd be weird and not right somehow."
"Yeah, I know. I'll figure that out tomorrow."
"After all tomorrow is another day, ay Scarlet?"
"Do you think Will won't give a damn some day?"
"No, I think he always will. I really do."
Buffy sighed, "So. How bout them pills?"
Spike was suffering from the worst hangover ever. It felt good at the time, all the cool amber liquid sending him into a pleasant numbness. Then, just before bed, he sobbed over Buffy and fell asleep. Lying on his back in bed, he stared at the ceiling praying that the night before had just been a dream and Buffy hadn't broken up with him after all. Instead, they'd had a nice dinner out and gone back home to making some more love and drank too much wine. Yes, that sounded much better.
A thud coming across the kitchen caught his attention. Buffy was home. He rolled out of bed, holding his head and hoping the incessant pounding would go away. He stumbled into the kitchen and into Buffy's room. She was tossing her shoes into her closet. She turned when she saw him. Why did she have to look so lovely?
"Will, you look like shit," she stated.
"Thanks. Why don't you just step on my head while I'm drowning too?"
She frowned, "Sorry. Did you take anything before you went to bed? Had any water?"
"No. I didn't have you here to take care of me and make sure I do all those things. Oh. Right. You want me to learn those things on my own," he said sarcastically.
She pursed her lips together. "Will, I think it'd be best if I left."
He stared hard at her. "How do you mean exactly?"
"I mean, I think it'd be best if I went home for a while."
"You mean move out?"
"Yes."
"I told you last night I didn't want you to do that," he said thickly.
"You did, but Will . . . this isn't going to work. You have to know that."
"Oh yet another thing that isn't going to work for you! Big fucking surprise. It gets a
little too much for Buffy and she has to bolt. Isn't that the story of your fucking life?"
"You want to go through this everyday?" she asked quietly.
Tears stung his eyes. "No. But I don't want to go without you everyday either."
"So we'll tear each other to shreds everyday until there's nothing left?"
"There's nothing left now, you made sure of that last night when you ripped my still
beating heart out of my chest and stomped on it," he said matter of factly.
Tears dripped from her eyes. He was almost stunned to see them. His hands itched to
reach out and brush them away, but he couldn't. He had his own tears to fight; he didn't have
it in him at the moment to fight hers too.
"Do you have enough money to afford rent?" she continued.
"Possibly."
"If you don't, then I'll just pay rent until you find a roommate."
"I don't want your fucking charity Buffy."
"I'm trying to help!"
"Every time you try to help you fuck everything up!"
"Then I'll leave and stop trying to help okay? I'll get out of here and –"
He was on her in two quick strides. He gripped her arms and pulled her against him
roughly. "I don't want you to go. I want you to stay with me. Why is it so hard for you to do
that? Do you care for me at all?"
Her eyes widened. "I do, William, I do care for you so much."
"Then why are you doing this?" he asked, the tears more than just stinging his eyes,
they were freely falling now.
"You can do this without me. You can. The world is your oyster and all that stuff. You
changed already without me, just think of what awaits you out there. You have to do it alone so
you can see what you're capable of. I see so much in you William—"
"I love you," he cried.
"William, please—"
He released her with a roar, "GO! Fucking go! I don't want to see you. Just get the fuck
out!" he screamed at her and stormed off, slamming the door shut to his bedroom, which didn't
help his pounding head. He sank onto the floor and sobbed, his sobs drowning out those of
Buffy's in the next room.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Wow. I guess I rattled some cages with the last chapter huh? Thank you all so much for the feedback, even for the "Buffy is crazy!" ones and the "I hate her!" ones too. I like hearing what you all think. It helps me to write this story when I get all perspectives on what Buffy did.