Chapter 25
Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Spike made his way to the bookstore to get some coffee and perhaps a book. Anything to take his mind off what was happening. Deciding he'd needed air and exercise, he'd left the apartment after a long shower and went to visit his parents. He broke down when he told his mom what had happened with he and Buffy and Jenny Giles was outraged at Buffy. She consoled her son as best she could, but it was his dad, Rupert Giles, that had his head spinning. He'd apparently been listening to Spike in the doorway and had come into the room and sat down across from his son and relayed to him the story of when he was learning how to ride his bike without training wheels. Spike had been mortified that he was bringing that up since it'd taken him until he was ten to get the damn things off.
"You were afraid to take them off because you were afraid to fall. You just didn't want to take that leap alone. It wasn't until the other kids started teasing you that you allowed me to take them off. And when I was teaching you, you made me hold onto that seat handle while you learned to gain your balance. The minute I let go, you would stop. I knew you could do it William; you just didn't have any confidence in yourself to go it on your own. Then, one day, I let go and didn't say a word. You rode and rode without my help, without even knowing I wasn't there. You just took off. You inevitably crashed, but you gained some confidence in yourself once you saw the distance you went without me there to hold on. After that, you rode that bike all over. Wouldn't it be nice to ride like that again?"
His mother had scolded him, but Rupert merely winked at his son and left the room. After that, Spike had pulled himself together and decided to have some time to himself. Hence, the bookstore. Something Buffy hated doing with him. She got bored easily and would badger him to just choose something already.
Entering the bookstore, he inhaled the scent of coffee and books and found himself heading towards the journal section of the bookstore. He couldn't remember the last time he'd penned anything. It was something he used to do all the time when he wasn't, as Buffy put it, ‘holing himself up in his room with his nose in a book.' Often times it was holing himself up in his room with a pen in his hand writing bloody awful poetry. He grabbed a leather bound book off the shelf and felt the cool smoothness of it, a poem already forming in his mind. Grabbing an overly expensive pen he headed towards the register and paid for his purchases before heading over to the café and getting himself a coffee. Settling in a chair in the corner, he opened his new journal and began to write.
One Wish
I learned the love rule early on:
Hearts are meant to be broken.
And for that, I don't need it.
A cold, hard shell is what I'll become.
The only person you can count on is yourself.
Others will trip you,
let you down,
cheat on you, and
sink you into blackness.
I will lean on me.
I will love me.
And only me.
It's a muddled mess of "what ifs" and "have not's",
a mass of regret,
a plethora of lies,
a constant ache.
Not piercing the heart
but stabbing the soul.
So now I am done
scratching out the eyes
of the apathetic,
drowning in bad blood, and
licking my wounds.
I have only one wish to ask of you…
Send me a dream
to sustain me through;
a gentle touch
I'll not know for I
don't want it.
Wrap me in a cocoon,
hide me away
let my gentle heart be--
it beats for me
and no one else.
Now if only he really meant that. His heart beat for Buffy. That was the thing. It always had and it always would. It felt good to express himself in such a way though. Writing was the perfect catharsis, and right now he had so much inside of him he needed to purge.
Across town, Buffy was realizing that even her mothers understanding had its limits. After listening for an hour over how horrible she was being to William, Buffy left her mothers in tears and headed for Willow's. She wouldn't be moving back until her mother had calmed down that much was for sure. Hopefully, Willow could put her up for some time.
She felt like a monster, a cretin, scum. Maybe it was better if she just disappeared altogether. Maybe William's life would be much better if she wasn't around to fuck it up even more. Then he could forget about her completely and move on with his life. Someday he'd think of the screwed up girl that broke his heart, but then he'd thank her for it while he wrapped an arm around his wife and beamed at his beautiful children. William's angry words came back to her ‘It gets a little too much for Buffy and she has to bolt. Isn't that the story of your fucking life?' He was right. He was completely right. Something got a little too hard for her and she took off. She didn't want to deal with something and she ran. So, no. She wasn't going to skip town and start over. She'd stay and face up to her actions. She didn't see how it would help either of them for her to stay in the apartment, but she wouldn't run with her tail between her legs.
"I'm doing the right thing," she said aloud to the night sky. "I'm doing what I feel is right and that's all any of us can do in this world. And if it ends up that I lose William. . . " she took a deep breath, "Then it was never meant to be." Or it could be because you were selfish, a voice, sounding much like Williams said in her head. "Yes, it could very well be that too. Then it's something I'll have to live for the rest of my life with. I also really have to stop talking out loud to myself. I'm going to get locked up if anyone is listening to me. Course, then I'd have the padded room I probably deserve and maybe some drugs to go with it. Where would be the bad in that?" Clamping her mouth shut, Buffy made her way home to call Willow and hopefully pack for a few nights.
**One Wish is original poetry by yours truly**
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you all so much for your reviews, even the ones that are angry with Buffy. I know that it sounds twisted, but she really does love William and its killing her too. Just keep the faith in Spuffy!!