Chapter 28
"You know what I think?" Buffy started as her and Willow sat having an early dinner at a nearby café. Willow was looking at the newspaper and Buffy had started thinking. Something she'd been doing a lot of.
Willow looked up, "What?"
Pushing hair from her face after a slight breeze blew through, Buffy started. "I think that it's not that someone is either a fast learner or a slow learner, I think people just as a general rule don't understand why people don't do things the way they themselves do it so they subconsciously try to make people do things the way they do it."
Willow blinked, "Huh?"
"Well, this morning for example. Cathy was getting coffee for her and Lisa while they were chatting in the break room. Cathy takes her coffee with cream and two Sweet n' Lows. Lisa takes her coffee black. Now Cathy knows this, I know she does because she's made comments each and every time how gross she thinks it is that Lisa doesn't put anything in her coffee. So then Cathy asks Lisa in the midst of conversation if Lisa wants cream or sugar in her coffee."
"So you think that because she doesn't understand why Lisa takes her coffee black, she was subconsciously trying to get her to put cream and sugar in her coffee?"
"Yes," Buffy said proudly, sitting back and pushing up her sunglasses.
"You don't think that she just got caught up in the conversation?"
"No, I don't."
"You might be on to something. Coming up with more theories on Will huh?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Buffy said hastily and peered over at the paper in front of
Willow. "What's new in the world?"
"Your horoscope is interesting."
"What's it say?"
"To stop avoiding uncomfortable topics and face them head on."
"That's crap. You just made that up," Buffy shook her head.
"Okay, so it's my horoscope for you. Buffy, it's been two weeks," Willow said, leaning
forward. "Now I think you get the importance of it because you've alternated between being
uber bitchy to being in an uber funk. The only time I've ever known you to go this long without
speaking to William was when . . . No. You called him twice when you were on vacation with
your parents in Arizona senior year in high school. So the longest you've gone without talking
to William has been four days. Face it, you need your fix."
Buffy shook her head. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because it'd be sending mixed signals," she snorted, "because I haven't quite done that
enough already!"
"Aren't you curious to see how he's doing? All you've had to go on is what state the
apartment has been in when you go to pick up more stuff from the apartment. Which, I might
add, is half yours and you're not living there. What's the deal Buffy? You're wasting money."
That did it. Buffy started to cry. "I'm such a fuck up."
"Christ, Buffy, I'm sorry," Willow stood up and moved to sit next to her, wrapping an
arm around her friend as she cried. "You're not a fuck up Buffy. I told you all this time that I
get what you're doing . . . "
"Oh who the fuck cares anymore? My mother hates me, Dawn's planning her chance
with William, my dad just shakes his head at me. . . and William hates me too. Which you
know what? He has every right to hate me. I shoved him out."
"You didn't shove him out, Buffy. There was no shoving. It was a gentle push."
"I thought I was doing the right thing for him. For us. I wasn't trying to control him
Willow, I swear. I was trying NOT to control him, that's why I did it . . . "
"I know Buffy. Listen, sometimes doing what you feel is right is not always easy.
Sometimes you get stoned for it. The path isn't always clear when you set yourself on it, but all
you can do is do what is best with the information you have available. No one knows what's
going to happen in the future, no one can be sure when they set out to do something they
thought was right that it'll end up being what is actually right. Foresight is not always
something we're gifted with unfortunately. Hindsight, however, is. I know you love William,
Buffy. I've always known it, and what's more is that William knows it too. I just think you'd
both benefit from seeing each other once in a while. I think it'd ease your mind and I'm willing
to bet it'd ease his."
Spike was seated in the far corner of the bookstore café , his notebook laid out before him, his pen poised to write. He was nervous this evening. He'd filled half his notebook in two weeks, writing until he was sure he had no more words left him. God, did he write, sometimes until two in the morning. Not good when you had a class to look after in the morning. Middle school students were quite demanding of your time.
Yet he had so much to write about. He wrote about life, love, heartache. Whenever he felt an ache for Buffy, he wrote. Whenever he felt unsure about what the hell he was doing with his life, he wrote. Currently, the page was flipped open to a poem he'd written the night before. It made him think of how he felt as if he was heading toward something but couldn't seem to find the trigger to get there. It also, as most things did, made him think of Buffy.
Ambition
Time is slipping by in your
Might Be Hands.
You've depleted the Resources of the Land,
so it's time to go.
At your age, it's absurd
to stay in the same place.
Don't bite the Apple, my pretty.
You'll miss the most important part
of your journey.
So go running little Alice
out into Wonderland.
What's that?
You can't get out of your own way
tripping on your shoelaces that you can't even tie
not sure what end is up
Lost?
Well, whose fault is that—
you were supposed to be following the Rabbit
when he was guiding you down the Bunny Trail
Of Life.
Before you is Success.
Seated on the Right Hand of Achievement is Love
And on the Left Hand is Nothing.
In the name of the
Should Have Been
Could Have Been
And What is Left
You are Deserted.
Oh Toto, I think we're Stuck in Oz.
If Change is the Upheaval in our quest
for Stability—why do we yearn for it?
Greener Pastures Abound
Make friends with your Daredevil Neighboor Chance
and if you're too scared don't look to Deepest Of Sympathy
for Guidance. She'll just keep you where you don't need to be.
Instead, find Tough Love.
And when you're all done calling on the Saints of Hopes
Dreams and
Wishes
Call upon Yourself and Find Out
What Will Be.
He thought about sending it to her with an arrow pointing to ‘Tough Love' with a note that simply said ‘You.' Then it made him think of the track she was on. Was she happy? Did she need to be without him to find out who she was too? So much about her was still the vivacious and impulsive girl she'd been in high school and throughout college. She never took the time to think things through, she always just did. And when she stumbled, he was always there to help her up and dust her off for her next adventure. And what did she do for him? She coddled him, kept him close by her so that he didn't get hurt. She protected him. He supposed that's what sucked so hard about the current situation. In fact, that was the key to the whole thing. She didn't coddle him this time, didn't protect him. She'd set him free to stumble, to fall and to get hurt. During times of near insanity he would harshly declare that she tore his heart out before shoving him down. In times of clarity, he saw how she was forcing him to call upon himself and find out what will be. Yeah, he was going to send it to her. Just one thing he had to do first.
A man of medium height brought himself to the mic in the center of the cafe. "Hello everyone," he greeted the growing number of bodies filtering in and occupying the surrounding tables. Spike noted he had a British accent. That piqued his interest all the more. "Let's say we get this poetry reading kicked off?" The man continued. "Our first reader is Spike. Spike why don't you come up and read for us?"
Spike stood on wobbly legs. He took a deep breath. ‘You own the room,' Dru had told him. Straightening his gait, and not allowing himself to slouch and hide, Spike sauntered up to the mic, keeping his eye on the prize. Clutching his notebook he greeted the audience and began.
**Poem by yours truly**
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I want to thank all of you that have stuck through this no matter how angsty and dicey its become. Thank you very much for staying with me on this journey.