Chapter 4
Buffy walked down the same path that just a few hours ago she had with Spike. Still holding her tears in, Buffy quickly made her way deep into the forest. She wouldn’t cry. She couldn’t cry. Good Slayers don’t cry. Good Slayers were hard and they didn’t carry emotions around with them. They didn’t have friends that would bring them back from the dead over and over again. They weren’t supposed to be guardians to a faux sister. Their lives were supposed to be short and end in peace.
Peaceful was the last thing she felt.
Barely noticing the trees pass her by, she continued to walk. Buffy passed the clearing that she and Spike had played in, as she went deeper into the forest. She tripped over a broken branch heading off the worn path, her feet now on unstable and uncleared ground.
Buffy moved through the trees quickly, her enhanced reflexes allowing her to correct her balance when a root or branch would catch her.
Spike paced back and forth in the cabin. Buffy had been missing for over two hours, leaving him to curse the sun as it made its slow journey across the sky. He could strangle Buffy for leaving like that, trapping him in this hell hole alone. He looked over at the bed and remembered the first time he’d brought sheets to the cabin. She ‘thanked’ him right properly that night.
Now, she left him in this place, filled with memories. Memories of her writhing beneath him, above him and beside him. It was torture to be stuck within these four walls without her. Left with only his thoughts and memories.
He shouldn’t have taken offence to her defensive self. She was fighting him, fighting it, whatever it may be. He should have stayed quiet, fed her and then shagged her on the bed until sunset.
~~~***~~~
Buffy’s legs felt like they could go any further. She stood on a cliff overlooking the desert. Off in the distance, Buffy watched the sun set through the mountains. It had been hours since she had ran from the cabin, hours since leaving Spike alone. Buffy tried not to think about him or what he said. Some part of her knew that Spike spoke the truth about her putting him in a box labelled ‘evil’.
How many demons did he have to kill before she would change that label? How many times did he have to take care of her or Dawn, before she would remove him from the box? Tears ran down her cheeks unnoticed as she stared into the setting sun.
How did she get here? Jaded and uncaring of others around her? It wasn’t like she wanted to be like that, she just couldn’t help it. It started before Glory, probably even before Riley. Maybe it started in high school or maybe when Angel left? She just couldn’t be bothered with their lives, keeping up with them. Maybe it was the Slayer package, that the strength and mission given to her sealed her fate and those around her with hers.
She looked back on her freshman year in the dorms with Willow. Their lives diverged so much; they were no longer the same naïve girls that were in high school. Xander definitely wasn’t the same. Buffy couldn’t pinpoint the exact time Anya became more than a consolation date.
How did she get here?
Buffy watched as the last light from the sun flared in the sky before saying goodnight. She knew he would be after her, running from the cabin this very moment, tracking her. Saving her.
The question was did she want to be saved?
~~~***~~~
Spike stalked through the forest, tacking Buffy’s scent. She didn’t bother hiding her path or presence in the forest. He supposed she was lost thinking again, too bothered to hide from him. That’s when Spike got in trouble, when Buffy had time to think, to be bothered. He saw it in her eyes, the haunted and repressed gaze. He would lose her to her mind, to her thoughts and he couldn’t think how to get her back to him.
She didn’t share anymore and it killed him every time she would show up at his crypt. He knew Buffy needed someone to talk to, to confide in, and yet she stopped. Spike convinced himself that she was getting over her brief trip to heaven when they would sit and drink or play cards. She would smile a true smile, laugh and giggle. Her eyes would lose the brown murkiness of despair, if only for a few hours and Buffy would be filled once again with light. With life. Buffy would stand taller when she left the haven of his presence as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Spike shook his head, now she didn’t want to talk and the haunted look in her eyes hadn’t left in weeks.
Maybe she needed a confident instead of a boyfriend. Spike snorted; a boyfriend. Was that what he was? Maybe a lover? He wanted to be beyond that, beyond anything that human relationships define. He wanted to be inside her head and body, cuddle up next to her heart and reside there for all eternity.
But that wasn’t possible. She wouldn’t allow it. This afternoon was proof that she wouldn’t. It was always about her, always about Buffy. Maybe that was the problem? Everyone looked at her like broken glass, treated he with kid gloves. Could she be glued back? Would she ever be as good as she was?
Everyone was asking that question. Would she ever be their Buffy again? Spike had no idea.
Spike stopped in his tracks, there she was, Buffy. He spied her sitting in the middle of a wild flower field, looking at the night sky. He strode over to her and stopped a few feet away as he watched her.
Spike knew that she was aware he was there, but refused to be the first person to speak. Instead, he opted to gaze up at the same sky as her.
“I used to count the stars in the night sky from my bedroom,” she spoke quietly in the night. Spike stepped forward and then slowly sat down beside her, his eyes focused on her face. “My mom would brush my hair as I stared at the sky, hoping to catch a glimpse of a shooting star.”
Spike took out a cigarette and lit it. “Did you ever find one?”
Buffy huffed her answer, “You think I would be a Slayer if I did?”
He nodded, “True. So tell me, pet, when you find that shooting star what will you wish for?”
Buffy turned her head slowly towards him and blinked. Quietly, almost breathing the word.
“You.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
It's been a while, I know. I hope you like it and please review. I've been working on many different projects and would like feedback if I should still write this one.