Chapter 5
Spike blinked in surprise, his body suddenly stilled. “What?”
Buffy’s eyes fell to the ground as the still night draped over her. She pursed her lips and glanced away, ignoring him and her recent revelation. Unwilling to be dismissed or be rejected, Spike forced her to face him with a fierce pull of his hand on her chin.
“Slayer,” he warned in a low tone. “If you are playing some sort of game, you better find a stake and use it.”
“Forget it,” she paused in thought.
“It may not mean that much to you. I may not even mean…”
“Spike,” she started quietly. “Ever wonder why we’re here?”
“I couldn’t take it if you’re giving me a crumb; only to find out it’s going to evaporate.”
“Spike,” she paused and looked at him, her heart beating faster when she noticed the complete vulnerability echoed in his eyes. “I’m not… playing a game with you.”
He paused and looked away. “So.”
“So, yeah. Ever wonder why I come to you? Why we are together… here…now?”
“That’s easy, pet. Hot, insatiable steamy sex.” Leaning back on his elbows, he reclined as he watched her struggle with her emotions and thoughts.
She rolled her eyes, “No, well, yeah, there is that.”
“It’s because you don’t have to pretend.” Spike spoke quickly, almost as if the words tumbled out of his head before he could register what they were.
Buffy looked over her shoulder at him, “How so?”
He shrugged, “Scoobies and the Bit, they expect you to be someone. To do something specific and when you stray they don’t like it.”
“And you? Don’t expect me to be someone? Come on? Get real.” She pivoted her body so her legs draped over his outstretched legs. He smiled at her simple act, as if she was completely comfortable with him. Comfortable enough with herself to be in such an intimate pose.
“I am. See, here’s the thing. You don’t have to carry on a conversation when I’m around. You know that I’m ecstatic when you let me be in your presence. I don’t expect you to be the Slayer or the girl, or anything the other wankers want you to be. You don’t have to be pretend to be happy in this hell hole. You don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don’t care if you are nice or strong. I just care that I’m close to you.”
“You should care that I’m nice to you. ‘Cause hello, I’m lacking in that department.”
“True,” he nodded. “You can be, but I know you.” Pensive, he tilted his head to the side and studied her. She was struggling internally and he could see that. Her heart was beating fast and her face was flush. He wanted to give her an opportunity to figure out things for herself, but his patience was running thin.
“You don’t.”
“I don’t, do I? Then tell me this, little girl. Tell me that you don’t yearn to stay the night, that you want to be cuddled and that you feel guilty as soon as the crypt door closes.”
“Doesn’t mean anything,” she argued.
Spike looked at the night sky, praying for help. When his head swivelled back down, his eyes pinned her to her spot and he continued, “It means there is hope.”
“For what? That I join you in the dark?”
“No,” Spike refused. “That you won’t join me in the dark.”
“What?” She shook her head. “You aren’t making sense? First you fuck me in the Bronze…”
“Buffy,” his head tipped back as he gritted his teeth. “This isn’t about that. This is,” he looked at her and paused. “This is about you. In the light. Where I want to be.”
The Slayer opened her mouth and closed it once again; suddenly speechless.
“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have any loyalty to being good. I could give a flying rat’s ass about the white hats and Powers That Be. I’m in it for you. As far as I’m concerned, I know you don’t belong in the dark and I know I don’t belong in the light. What I do know,” he paused, inhaling courage. “I belong next to you and if you are in the light, where I met you, where I love you; that’s where I’m going to be. Next to you shining a bloody spot light so you are the brightest of them all.”
“Spike,” she paused in thought. “I thought you wanted Bad Buffy. All those things you whispered…”
He smiled, his teeth gleaming in the moonlight, his face suddenly took upon a younger appearance. “Can’t say I’m opposed to Bad Buffy, she’s a lot of fun, but so is Good Buffy and you know that’s who you are. Good Buffy. I wouldn’t change her for anything,” he finished quietly.
“You wouldn’t?”
He looked into her eyes, searching for her soul. “Never.”
She sighed, her eyes searching for the truth in his. “So, say that you get your one good day.” He started to protest, but she raised her hand to silence his denial. “Something happens, maybe it wasn't your good day, but you are there. I'm near death, would you?”
“Would I do what?” Spike shook his head, praying that she wouldn't ask him the one question he did not know the answer to. The one answer he did not want to think about, to analyse.
“You know... sire me.”
“Slayer,” he growled. “That's not going to happen.”
She pushed back her hair and sighed, “We both know the Slayer package has an expiration date. Hell, I've already had two expiration dates, there will be another one. You know the saying, three strikes and I'm out.”
He shook his head. “Look here, that won't happen.”
“Spike,” she paused. “Just answer the question.”
He sighed and looked back at the stars, “No.”
“No?” She was confused. “No to the…”
“No,” he said stronger. “If I had the chance, I wouldn't sire you.”
“Why not?” she was surprised. “Don't you love me?”
He rolled his eyes and sat up, his hands reaching for her. “Buffy, don't think that, please never think that. It's just...”
Tears fell down her face, “You just can't spend eternity with me? I’m that horrible?”
“No, God no!” he insisted. “If I could, I would spend ten thousand eternities with you.”
“Then why won't you turn me?”
“Buffy,” his hand caressed her cheek, wiping away her tears. “It wouldn't be you.” He paused in thought and continued. “When the demon takes over, it will take over what I love about you. It would extinguish the light that shines from your soul and through your eyes. It would change who you are, what you do. It would take your strength and kindness and fill you with hate.”
“You wouldn't like evil Buffy?” she smiled, laughter in her eyes.
He chuckled and looked down to the grass, “Don't rightly know. I bet she's a wild cat in the sack. Ride me to a gallop until I pop like warm champagne.”
“Ewwe,” she scrunched her nose up. “That's so skanky, sounds like something Faith would say.”
“Hey, you said it.”
“I did not!”
“You did, too! At the Bronze. You came up to me, all red lips and leather, teasing me to the point of distraction.”
“What? When?”
“Three years ago, after the chip was installed and I was left out on my own. You were teasing me on purpose.”
“Oh. My. God.” She closed her eyes as her face turned red in anger.
“What?” He asked, perplexed at her actions.
“It was Faith.”
“I think I know the difference between you and another Slayer.”
She suppressed her laughter, “Two words: body swap.”
“Pass that by me again?”
“Faith and the Mayor were in cahoots together.”
“Cahoots?”
“Shut up. Anyway, when she woke up from the coma, she got a present from the deceased Mayor, slash snake; a potion to body swap with me.”
“So, you're saying...” Spike's blue eyes twinkled with understanding.
“That Faith, in my body, slept with Riley, went to the Bronze, flirted and drank a lot of alcohol. Terrorized Tara and Willow and then came on to you.”
“That bitch,” Spike spat.
“Well, yeah. We’ve already established that.”
He scooted closer to her, his voice dropping low, “Do you know how many wet dreams that little encounter caused?”
“Ewwe,” Buffy looked away, “So, she's the reason why you love me?”
“Hardly,” Spike scoffed. “She just trained my mind in thinking that the Slayer was not all gross, you know fantasies and all that.”
“Uh huh, something makes me think you love Faith.”
He started to protest until he saw her trying to hide her laugh. “Why you little...”
He grabbed her shoulders, causing her to screech. She rolled on top of him, unable to stop laughing as he tickled her breathless.
“Seriously, she came onto you?” she gasped. “You looove her,” she sang.
He redoubled his efforts, pushing off the ground so they switched positions. He pinned her body to the ground with his as his fingers travelled around her rib cage, causing her to squeal. “Bloody bint, stop playing. You know who I love.”
“Faith,” she gasped as she tried to bat his hands away. She sobered when he shifted above her, his erection coming in contact with her thigh. She stopped laughing and blinked her eyes.
He looked down, his hands abandoning their travels when she stopped laughing. Her hazel eyes peered up at him and her lips puckered with want. Slowly, his face bent down to nuzzle her cheek. “Buffy,” his voice was barely a whisper.
“Sometimes I wonder,” she looked up at the sky. “All the pain and misery, what’s the point?” he stilled above her, closing his eyes as she continued, “I mean I’m the Chosen One, right? What does that mean? Am I a puppet, not in charge of my own destiny?”
“Don’t say that.” He raised his head and looked at her, still staring at the stars.
“I mean, even when I die, it’s not over. Leave it to my friends to bring me back for more of the same treatment.”
“They didn’t know, pet.” He gritted his teeth; he should’nt be sticking up for the Scoobies.
“I know,” she sighed. “I just feel like I don’t belong sometimes. It’s like the whole world keeps going, apocalypse after apocalypse and I’m still here. Stuck with one mission and one mission only.”
Spike nodded and moved off her. He rolled to one side and hooked one arm under her head. She moved to snuggle in closer.
“This is nice,” she murmured as her hand travelled to his chest.
“Talking?”
“That, but this…. all those times you tried to kill me. I would not have pegged you for a snuggler.”
He scoffed, “Snuggling is not manly. I don’t snuggle.”
“Or brood,” she added.
“Or brood,” he agreed.
“If it is any consolation, Angel wasn’t a snuggler.” He glared at her.
“Don’t mention his name,” he warned.
“Fine, fine,” she waved her hand. “No mentioning of formers. Anyway, yeah,” she nodded. “This is nice. Just laying here, relaxing. I could get used to this.”
Spike kissed her forehead, “Don’t give me ideas; I might chain you up again, this time to the bed.”
She giggled, “Where were we? Oh yeah. I just feel like everyone is changing around me, moving on. I’m here; in a little box labelled ‘Slayer’ and I don’t have anywhere else to move to.”
“You’re not just the Slayer…”
“Shh, don’t interrupt. I’m having a pif-penny thing.”
“An epiphany?”
“Yeah, that. So here I am in my box and I can’t get out; no matter what. Willow and Xander make sure I stay in that box. Lord knows that they didn’t want me at UC Sunnydale. Had to be the Slayer, not just a student.”
“You guys were just growing apart, they didn’t mean any harm.”
“True,” Buffy agreed. “But they didn’t make it easier.”
Spike exhaled loudly, “It’s the past.”
“Okay, how about now? All Willow cares about is herself. She’s never home and when she is, she’s acting strange. She doesn’t pay rent and she eats a lot of food.”
“Willow doesn’t contribute to the household?” He asked in awe.
“Tara did, but she’s not… living with us anymore. When they told me about the money and the house all of them expected me to just produce the money.”
His arms tightened around her body, trying to provide some comfort, knowing that she needed to get her emotions out.
“Then there is Dawn and the social worker. Every time I turn around Dawn’s doing something wrong or social services is calling for a home inspection. Half the time she’s pissed off that I’m not home and when I am home, she ignores me.”
“Bit’s in that stage. Remember being 15, everything is world shattering.”
“Spike,” she propped herself up, looking down at him. “When I was 15 everything was earth shattering. I was the Slayer, secret identity and etcetera.”
He smiled and ran his hand through her hair. “Imagine having a super hero as a big sister, wouldn’t you rebel?”
“Whose side are you on?” She asked skeptically.
Her vampire smiled, “Yours of course. See spotlight, you, me?”
“Uh huh,” she nodded. “I just… I always have to take care of everything. Slaying, mortgage, Dawn. When is it going to stop?”
“You forgot apocalypses.”
“And apocalypses. I feel like I can’t stop.”
“Is that why you are with me?”
Buffy became silent, her eyebrows scrunched together. After a minute she replied, “When I’m with you it feels like the world disappears. Suddenly the box is gone; I’m free to be me.”
He looked at her, suddenly speechless. She smiled and then glanced away.
“I just,” she paused in thought and then looked into his eyes. “I’m not doing too good at this. Serious conversations and Buffy are un-mixy.”
“You’re doing fine,” he supplied quietly, afraid to shock her out of her new found conversational skills.
“I keep asking myself why I crave you, your company. Why did I tell you, of all people, that I went to heaven and then swore you to secrecy?”
“Part of you wanted me to spill the beans to the kiddies.” Spike answered.
“No,” she denied.
“On some level, a small level maybe, you wanted me to tell those holier than thou friends what they did so you wouldn’t have to.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“You asked me not to,” Spike smiled.
“So? I asked you a million times to leave me alone, you never listened.”
“Ah, ah, ah. True, but you were trying to keep me away. Keeping this secret, keeping it for you brought me closer. You came to me, knowing that I knew why you weren’t happy to be back, why you aren’t happy.”
She sighed, “The thing is? I think I am, happy that is. Or I’m getting there.”
His eyebrows rose in question.
“I no longer want to hide in a dark, dank corner, you know. I catch myself smiling sometimes.”
“That’s my amazing prowess making you smile.”
“Shut up,” she giggled. “See, there. A few weeks ago, I would have called you a pig, punched your nose and ran off. Now I am just mildly irritated.”
“We’re making progress,” he smirked.
“Yeah, and then… I don’t know. Something sneaks up on me and I’m back there, in that dark place. Where no one can touch me, and I lash out.”
“Like the evil un-dead comment?”
“I didn’t mean it,” she tried to explain. “I just. You’re right, you are in a box, I’m trying to pry it open, but the tape is like industrial strength or something.”
“I know,” he petted her cheek softly.
“You were so sweet to do that and I had to ruin it with the voices in my head.”
“Voices?”
She nodded, “Kinda sounds like Giles, Willow, Xander, Angel and I all rolled up into one with the judgemental comments.”
“Darn voices,” he teased. “Why do I always get stuck with the crazy bints with voices in heads like my own?”
“Hey, you comparing me to...”
“No,” Spike patted her shoulder then gradually wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I don't mean it that way. I know what you mean, though. I've got this demon whispering that what I feel is wrong.”
“To love a Slayer?”
He sighed, “To love a Slayer, to not want to bite her, her friends, hell, even the happy meals on legs. I rarely feel the desire to bite them, cause hell and mischief. I don't want to destroy the world, don't want any of what an evil vampire wants.”
“So that's the motivation behind a vampire, cause hell and mischief by feeding on the happy meals on legs?”
He rolled his eyes. “How long have you been a Slayer? You must know we aren't all alike. For instance; Angelus was all about the hunt. He liked preying on high society, fitting in and feeding off the cholesterol rich blood, raping the most innocent. He liked to visit the church and orphanages, play mind games with the fragile. Darla was into having all the riches in the world and serving her Master.”
“Ewwe, fruit punch mouth. Someone needed to see a dentist.”
“Anyway, yeah. She didn't care about anyone but herself. She used everyone to gain a high status. A true selfish bitch. Drusilla has no logic, all she wants is her daddy or when he’s unavailable, someone to take care of her.”
“A.K.A. you.”
“Not really, you know South America wasn't the first time she strayed or rubbed my nose in her activities. She has no loyalty accept to Angelus. Whoever the stars tell her is the better catch, she goes for.”
“And you? What makes you tick?”
“Love,” Spike sighed softly. “It made me offer my neck up to a strange woman's kiss of death. Love makes me travel around the world, makes my blood boil until I cannot stand it anymore. Makes me turn my back on everything I’ve been taught, everything I am. Just to sit next to the sun and feel her heat.”
a/n: Reviews? See author's note above.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
One more chapter after this. Reviews would be nice. It might encourage me to write other spuffy fics... hint hint... but if no one is enjoying my work, I'll move on to original storylines.