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Chapter 10 – Wavering Resolve


Standing in the middle of her bedroom the next afternoon, Buffy clutched at her towel as she examined every item in her closet.

“This is ridiculous,” she said to herself, nearly rolling her eyes. “Why are you putting so much thought into this?”

“Maybe because you’re still in love with him,” said a voice from the door.

Turning to see her little sister leaning against the frame, she resisted the urge to correct the young woman.

“Dawnie, I’m glad you’re here. Pick out something for me,” she said, waving her hand at the discarded clothes as she walked past her sister toward the bathroom.

“Seriously?” she asked incredulously, unable to believe that her older sister would not only let her in her closet, but also let her pick out her clothes.

“Yep, I’m putting too much thought into it, and I’m going to be running late at the pace I’m going. I trust you,” Buffy said, closing the bathroom door behind her.

Quickly blow-drying her straight hair until it fell halfway down her back in a silky curtain, Buffy ran a brush through it before putting on a little bit of make-up. A few minutes later she stared at her reflection in the mirror and gave herself a little smile. Shaking her head when she realized what she was doing, she took a deep breath. “You’re not trying to impress him, you’re not trying to get back together with him…you’re trying to move on. Remember that.”

Returning to her bedroom, she saw Dawn standing in the middle of the floor holding a white sweater and a pair of pale gray dress pants that flared out slightly at the leg.

“That’s great. Thanks, Dawnie.”

Hurriedly pulling on the clothes, Buffy grabbed some small silver hoop earrings and put them on as Dawn handed her the shoes that would best compliment the outfit. Slipping them on, she quickly kissed her sister on the cheek and checked her watch.

“Time to go,” she muttered, taking a deep breath.

“Good luck,” Dawn said, offering her sister a soft smile.

Returning the smile, Buffy took a deep breath as she tried to calm her nerves. “Thanks.”

* * * * *

Sitting on the park bench, nervously wringing his hands together, Spike could see her approaching long before she saw him. Nervously wiping his palms on the denim material of his jeans, he stood up when she got closer, finding himself once again mesmerized with how beautiful she was. He felt like he was seeing her for the first time…again.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said softly, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked over to meet her.

“Spike,” she replied in a cold tone. “So…what did you want to talk about?”

‘Quick and to the point,’ he thought, knowing that he didn’t deserve anything more than that.

“I, uh, I wanted to ask you something.”

“So ask,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

Taking a deep breath, Spike tried to steady his nervous heartbeat as he mentally prepared for the rejection. “I want us to start over.”

Her lips parted in shock as she stared at him with wide eyes.

‘What am I supposed to say to that?’ she asked herself, unable to believe that he had the nerve to actually ask her that.

Before she had a chance to respond, Spike was continuing, “I’ve changed, Buffy. I know the pain I’ve caused you and-”

“NO!” she yelled, snapping out of her shock and stepping away from him, needing the distance between them. “No, Spike! You don’t know,” she continued, trying not to cry as she shook her head. “You have no idea the pain that you’ve caused me. You don’t know about the nights I cried myself to sleep. You don’t know about how I tried to alienate all of my friends so they couldn’t see how miserable I really was and pity me. And you really don’t know about my mom threatening to put me in a clinic unless I started eating again. So do me a favor, Spike, and don’t tell me that you know.”

By the time she finished, Buffy felt her voice cracking with the emotion. Staring at Spike for a long moment as tears streamed down his face, she refused to be affected by the show of emotion. Turning her back on him to leave, she desperately wished she could put everything behind her as easily.

“Buffy, no,” he said, grabbing her sleeve, spinning her around to face him. “Please, don’t leave, baby…please!” Dropping to his knees, Spike buried his face in her stomach, wrapping his arms around her waist as his shoulders shook with the force of his tears. “I’m sorry,” he said in a choked voice. “I’m so, so sorry. I don’t deserve to even be this close to you, but please, just don’t leave.”

Feeling her chin begin to tremble as tears came to her eyes, she quickly closed them, trying to fight the emotions that were swirling around inside of her. Her fingers, of their own volition, twined themselves in his hair, only causing her tears to intensify when she heard his softly spoken words.

“I love you. God, Buffy, I love you so much. I hurt you and you’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. I’m a bloody git for not realizing it then, but please…I know, now. I know what I did and I hurt you…I hurt the girl…”

He trailed off in a sob, still clutching her in his strong grasp, nearly crushing her with his unrelenting hold.

“Yeah,” Buffy replied, trying to keep her voice even as she forced her anger to the surface, letting her hands abandon his hair. “You know what? You did. And I never…out of everyone I know…out of everyone I love, I never would have thought you would be the one who would hurt me.”

Extracting herself from his arms, she stepped away as Spike pushed himself to his feet.

“I know,” he whispered, slowly moving to close the distance between them again, stopping when she continued to back away from him. “I know and I’m…I don’t know what to say.”

“This isn’t a way for us to get back together,” she said, shaking her head to confirm what she was feeling. “I don’t even know if this is a way for us to be friends…friends don’t hurt each other.”

Reaching out to her, he gently touched her face, running his fingers through her hair as if he was afraid she wasn’t real.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes as the familiarity washed over her. “I can’t offer you anything,” she said in a shaky voice.

Staring at her for a minute, he slowly nodded. “Don’t want to push you,” he said softly. “I just want to be close to you again. I know I screwed up, inexcusably, but…I need you. I know that now. I just need something…a crumb…something to know that you might be able to trust me again.”

“Spike,” she whispered, shaking her head as she stepped away, breaking all contact with him.

“Please, Buffy.”

Looking down at the ground for a long moment, she slowly raised her eyes to look into his. “Trust is something that’s earned…if you can earn that, then…maybe…someday.”

Seeing his shoulders sag in relief, she tensed when he took a step forward, closing her eyes when she felt his lips tenderly brush along her forehead, leaving them both aching for more.

“I’ll earn it,” he whispered, gently cupping her face in his hands. “You’ll see. I can be the man you need me to be.”

“I needed you to be that man five months ago, Spike,” she murmured, feeling the familiar churning in her stomach- she hated that feeling. “If you had realized then what you know now…we never would be standing here.”

“I know,” he replied, pulling away from her with a nod. “And I’m not asking you to forgive me.”

“Why not?” she asked softly, one eyebrow raised in question as he looked at her.

“Because I have to forgive myself before I can ask your forgiveness.”

“You may never get it.”

“It’s what I deserve,” he said, his voice barely more than a whisper as he looked at the ground.

“I don’t know what you deserve,” Buffy murmured, unable to look at him without feeling choked up. “I know that you were an insensitive asshole who cared more about himself than…the people who loved him.”

“That’s how you see me?” he asked, looking up at her with sad eyes.

“That’s how I saw you,” she said softly, meeting his level gaze with her own. “I don’t know what I see now. I guess that’s up to you…what do you want me to see?”

“A man who loves you.”

Feeling her chin tremble, she looked at the ground, slowly backing up, needing to get away from him before she broke down and told him exactly what she still felt for him. Taking a deep breath as she looked into his eyes, her stomach clenched when she saw the hopeful expression on his handsome face. “Then prove it.”




Thanks so much to: gypsy_jin, willowmouse, Franchesca, Mockerfab4, Caitie, B, Sevvy_O, BuffyandSpikeForever, Melly, Aseret, & Cordykitten for reviewing!





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