Chapter 12 – Being There
Quietly staring out the window as Riley’s car sped along the interstate, she had barely said two words to him since they started for Los Angeles, and she felt guilty. She felt guilty for the look of hurt in Spike’s eyes, and she felt guilty for knowing that she accepted this date with Riley and nothing would come of it.
Maybe if it was before Spike had come home, she would have been able to see Riley as more of a boyfriend and move on with her life, but she couldn’t now.
The kiss still echoed through her mind. She could still feel his lips pressed against hers. Still smell the traces of cologne and tobacco that clung to him. Most of all, she felt the passion that he had ignited that had stayed buried for so long. If she really wanted to get even with him, she would use that passion against him and sleep with Riley that night…but she couldn’t. She couldn’t use Riley that way, and she couldn’t put Spike through the amount of pain that she had been dealing with for the past few months. She also knew it wouldn’t make her feel any better.
Seeing the lights of the city in the distance, Buffy jumped when Riley cleared his throat, snapping her out of her thoughts.
“Are you okay?”
Looking over at him in surprise, she tried to paste a smile on her face. “I’m fine.”
“You just seem a little bit…tense, I guess.”
“Riley, I’m sorry. I know this can’t be very fun for you. I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now.”
“Well, we’re almost there. Maybe I’ll be able to get your mind off of whatever it is,” he said, turning to smile at her.
Offering him a slight grin in return, Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly as she turned her attention back to the window.
* * * * *
Sitting in his father’s home, nursing a beer, Spike stared sightlessly out of the window, staring in the direction of the moon. Hearing the click of the lock as his father walked in, he didn’t bother moving as the light flooded through the room.
“William? What are doing, sitting in the dark, son?”
“She’s gone, dad,” he said in a raspy voice, never taking his eyes off the window.
“I know it feels that way now,” Giles said with a sigh. “But you can’t give up hope.”
“No, dad…I mean she’s really gone. She left for L. A. tonight…with another man.” Finally tearing his gaze away from the window, he turned his blood-shot eyes to watch his father drop into a nearby chair.
“Oh, dear,” Giles murmured, quickly whipping off his glasses to polish them.
Spike managed a small smile as he looked down at the beer bottle in his hand. “I said a little more than that.”
“When does she return?”
“Tomorrow, I think.”
“An overnight trip,” Giles murmured, frowning in disbelief. It didn’t sound like the Buffy he knew. “She still loves you, son,” he said after a moment.
“How do you know?” he asked disbelievingly.
“Because love is not an emotion you can turn on and off. You can forget about it for brief amounts of time, and it can get weak or strong as time goes by, but you can never just shut it off. It’s always there…it’s always with you.”
“She can move on, though,” Spike said, looking into his beer bottle. “She can think she loves me and still move on…like she’s doing.”
“Yes, she can, but I know for a fact that she still loves you…and that the emotion is still very strong.”
“She told you?”
“She told me.”
Spike felt tears of happiness flood his eyes and cursed himself for acting like such a ponce, looking away from his father so he wouldn’t see his watery gaze.
“I want her back, dad,” he whispered.
“I know you do. She wants you back, too. However, she’s a young woman who’s been burned by the man she trusted. And I’m not saying that to lecture or scold you- it’s just a simple fact. She was a girl who, when you went away, sent all of her hope and love with you, and what she got in
return forced her to grow up rather swiftly. Now, what you need to do is decide whether you can do justice to the woman who is here now, or whether you want to let her go. Don’t hold on to what you feel for her just because she feels like your possession.”
“I want her, dad. I know I can be better. It was just all too much, too fast, and I cracked. I never meant to hurt her that way, and if I had it all to do over again, there’s no way I would. I just wish she was here with me, the way it was. You know, I didn’t even get mad at Oz for spilling it to Willow. I knew I got what I deserved, and he was just protecting his friend.”
“You’re growing, son. Now, what are you going to do to get this girl back?”
* * * * *
Walking through her front door the next day with a heavy sigh, Buffy stretched the tired muscles in her arms.
It was definitely not the fun-filled trip she had been hoping for. Buffy felt emotionally drained after the long night. She had just spent the last twenty minutes sitting in his car, out in the driveway, explaining to him why they couldn’t be involved. It didn’t make her feel better that Riley’s position never wavered from telling her that she was The One. She didn’t want to be the one. She didn’t even want to be in the same vicinity of being the one. Not for him…maybe not for anyone.
Throwing her bag down next to the entryway table, she slowly headed toward the voices in the kitchen. Walking into the room, she stood frozen in the doorway when she saw Spike sitting on the counter, talking and laughing with her mother and sister. Her shoulders straightened when he looked up to see her, his smile fading as he looked at her, taking in her tired eyes and exhausted appearance.
“Hey, guys,” she said softly when the women in the room didn’t acknowledge her arrival. “Whatcha doin’?”
“Oh, nothing, honey. Spike here was just amusing an old woman by listening to her stories of the gallery’s clients,” Joyce said, still smiling from the earlier story.
Buffy and Spike’s eyes stayed riveted to each other before Buffy slowly nodded. “Well, that’s…nice. I, uh, I think I’m going to run up and get a shower and a nap. It’s been a long day.”
“Okay, honey.”
“Actually, Buffy,” Spike spoke up as she turned to leave the room, causing her shoulders to go rigid as she slowly turned to face him again.
“Yeah?” she murmured, biting her lip while she waited for him to respond.
“Can I talk to you for just a second?”
Looking at him for a long moment, Buffy took a deep breath as she nodded. “Sure.”
Following her into the living room where they stood facing each other, Spike watched as she self-consciously crossed her arms over her chest, looking at the floor. Judging by her posture, she no doubt was thinking about the kiss they had shared the night before.
“How was your night?”
“It was…great,” Buffy lied with a bright smile. “Dinner, dancing, and a Broadway play…a wonderful night.”
Feeling the ache in his stomach intensify, Spike took a deep breath. “So,” he said, drawing out the word as he looked at the floor. “Captain Cardboard didn’t turn out to be as mind-numbingly dull as I expected, then?”
“Riley? No, he’s a…he’s a perfect gentleman,” she replied with a fake smile.
“Aaah, so he did turn out to be mind-numbingly dull, huh?”
“Spike,” she said in a warning tone.
“Sorry, love,” he said with a soft smile, masking the hurt and panic he was feeling. “I just thought I’d ask if you wanted to go out to dinner tonight.”
“Dinner?” she repeated in a panicked voice. “Um…no…no, I don’t think so.”
Feeling her heart cracking as he looked at the floor and nodded, a dejected expression on his face, Buffy tightened her lips to keep from blurting out that she’d love to go with him.
“There’s still just…there’s a lot to work through…and I’m seeing someone,” she added quickly, raising her eyebrows as if she was going to prove her point, gesturing toward the door.
“Right,” he muttered. “So, is this someone your boyfriend now?”
“No,” she murmured, looking down as her cheery disposition evaporated. “I don’t use that word lightly…not anymore. I should go,” she said, turning toward the stairs, stopping when she felt his hand on her arm.
“We kissed, Buffy,” he said softly, watching as she slowly turned to look at him.
“You’ve never had something physical with someone- no strings attached?” she asked, clenching her jaw when she saw the pained expression cross his face.
“That’s not what we have,” he whispered. “That’s never been what we had.”
“But that’s what you want?” she said, letting her voice drop to a seductive whisper, closing the distance between them and running her hands along his chest. “Isn’t it what you want, Spike?” she whispered, parting her lips as she looked up at him with wide eyes.
Noticing his erratic breathing, Buffy let her hands trail along his chest, moving higher until she reached his neck, slowly pulling him down toward her. Feeling his hands grip her waist, she pressed her body against his, biting her lip to give her a more innocent appearance.
“You never answered me,” she whispered, her lips barely brushing against his. “Is it what you want?”
‘What was the bloody question?’ Spike wondered, trying to ignore his body’s reaction to her as he briefly closed his eyes. ‘I want her…only her.’
“God, yes,” he murmured, tightening his grip on her waist as she tilted her head even more before abruptly pulling away.
Seeing the familiar expression on her face, Spike’s brows furrowed as he looked at her. “Sorry, Spike…you ruined that chance.”
Pulling away from him, Buffy began to walk toward the stairs, stopping when she heard his strained voice behind her.
“You said you were my girl. ‘Always’ – you remember that? You said it- I didn’t force it out of you.”
“No, you didn’t,” she murmured, turning to face him. “And a part of me will always be yours…but only a part, Spike. Only the naïve little girl who fell in love. I’m not that little girl anymore.”
“You’re lying,” he said in a menacing whisper. “I know you, Buffy. I know you as well as you know yourself, and you’re lying.”
“You know me,” she agreed with a nod. “But I know you, too.”
“I’ve changed, love,” he insisted, his eyes pleading with her to believe him.
“I want to believe you…I do…but you haven’t shown me anything to make me believe you. You just show up and kiss me and show up again and want to go out and…I’m beginning to think it’s a game. I’m the one that got away…I’m the conquest. Is that all I am, Spike?”
Unable to verbally disagree, Spike weakly shook his head, feeling despair seeping through him.
“I’m not playing this game,” she whispered, trying to control the unshed tears in her eyes.
“Not a game,” Spike said in a choked voice, looking at the floor as he shook his head. “I love you…I love you…I just want you back.”
“I’m not a prize,” she said softly, shaking her head to prove her point. “I’m not something that you can just use whenever you want.”
“I know,” he whispered, nodding as he met her gaze before walking toward the door. Turning to face her as he reached for the doorknob, Spike took a deep breath. “You have no reason to trust me…but I would do anything for you, Buffy. And I’ll be here. No matter what…I’ll be here for you.”
Casting her eyes downward, Buffy slowly nodded, taking a deep breath to regulate her breathing. “You'll be here…I know. I believe you when you say you'll try. But you'll also be here reminding me everyday of what you did…I don’t know if I can live with that.”
Thanks so much to: blondiebear, Franchesca, Karyn, Caitie, Cordykitten, gypsy_jin, Annette, willowmouse, spikes slayer, BuffyandSpikeForever, lacey, txjmfan, B, Caatje, & Aseret for reviewing!
[Reviews - 243]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 5006 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
A/N Because of rewriting this chapter so late at night, a huge thank you has to go out to pj who took the place of Allison (since she was asleep at the time) for being my idea guru :-) She pointed me in the right direction with this chapter and the very last line of the chapter was written by her. Alli deserves the thanks for putting up with me for the rest of the story- thank you so much- both of you!