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Chapter 17 – New Beginnings


Standing in the crowded ballroom, Buffy scanned the area for any sign of Spike, growing frustrated when she didn’t see him anywhere. After a few minutes of searching the interior, she finally decided to expand her search, walking out into the gardens. Breathing a sigh of relief when she saw him standing alone under a gazebo in the garden, Buffy wrapped her shawl more tightly around her, trying to ward off the chill of the December air. Slowly making her way toward him, she noticed the lit cigarette burning in his hand as she approached. Studying his rigid posture as he leaned against the railing, staring at one of the fountains, Buffy nervously continued toward him.

“So, she’s back,” he said without turning around. “Thought you’d be off snogging the college boy.”

“No,” she said softly, walking up and leaning on the railing to his left. Both stood for a few moments, staring at the cascading water, each only slightly comforted by the blanket of darkness that seemed to surround them.

“Listen, Spike, what you saw-”

“Was none of my business,” he finished for her.

“What?”

With a heavy sigh, Spike looked down at his cigarette, studying it for a long moment for the sole purpose of keeping his eyes diverted. “I don’t deserve you, Buffy. I don’t have you. What I do deserve is all the pain that you can cause me.”

“Spike-”

“I’m a monster,” he finished in a choked voice.

“No, you’re not,” she said quietly, looking over at him as she spoke.

“You don’t know that. I know you, Buffy, and you don’t even know what you want. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

“Oh, believe me, I’m well aware of what you’re capable of. So, this is the big plan? Standing around in the dark, feeling sorry for yourself? You think you have a little bit insight into what I’m feeling just because you might be coming to terms with how much you hurt me? You don’t know me. You don’t even know you.”

“I know what I did to you,” he said, finally looking at her, only to flinch and look away. “I know…for the first time…I realize the pain that you must’ve felt. I was always sorry for what I did…even while it was happening, I knew how much it would hurt if you found out…but right now…tonight…I realize how much you should hate me.” With a deep breath, Spike couldn’t tear his eyes away from the landscaping, afraid to turn and see the expression on her face.

“So what do you want, Spike?” she asked with an edge to her voice. “Do you want me to hate you?”

“I want you to love me!” he yelled, finally whirling around to face her. "But I fucked that up without giving it a second thought.” Calming himself down, Spike looked away from her again, gripping the railing in front of him as he continued, “I don’t know what you feel for me, Buffy. I don’t even know if I want to know. What I do understand is that I have to be the strong one right now. I need to make a clean break…I need to let you go. You deserve someone who never took your love for granted. Someone who will treat you the way you deserve. Someone who’s not me,” he trailed off in a whisper.

“You’re really seeing it now, aren’t you?” she asked softly. “For the first time, you realize what you did?”

“I always knew,” he muttered, closing his eyes as he tried to repress the feelings that were rushing through him. “Even when I was…flirting with other girls…it was just part of the job, but I knew that it would hurt you if you had to witness it. Then the alcohol started getting in the way and the temptation…”

Trailing off in a choked voice, Spike closed his eyes, trying to control his emotions as he battled the tears in his eyes.

“I just ignored all of it,” he continued in a strained voice. “If you ignore it, it’ll go away, everything will go back to normal. That’s what I was trying to do. Thought that if I could make you see how good we used to have it, we wouldn’t focus on the past. That if I looked forward to seeing you, I could ignore how much I hated myself.”

“And what about me?” she asked quietly, causing Spike’s head to snap up to face her. “I loved you so much…I never wanted any of this to happen and…and I hate it. I hate that it’s so hard…and that you can hurt me so much,” she said, her voice choking up as she looked away from him. “I know everything that you did because you did it to me,” she whispered in a firm tone, tears building up in her eyes.

“Buffy,” Spike whispered, wanting nothing more than to comfort her as he reached for her, his hands meeting with nothing but air as she stepped out of his reach.

“I don’t hate you, Spike…I can’t. I just wish it would go away. I wish everything would stop…the pain, the heartache…even the passion that I still feel for you. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m not ready to give up on us, yet.” Buffy finally looked at him and saw the
glimmer of hope in his eyes. “I’m not ready for you to not be here.” Shaking her head slightly at the injustice of everything in her life, Buffy turned to fully face him. “You know, everyone’s telling me how much you love me…so I have one question. Why? If you loved me so much, why would hurt me like that?”

Glancing down at the ground, Spike tried to gather his thoughts, crushing the cigarette under his heel before giving her an answer.

“I was being selfish,” he said quietly. “I could lie and say that I was completely out of my mind, that it wasn’t my fault, but it was my own selfish needs. I hadn’t seen you in months, and it felt like we weren’t even us anymore. We were both so busy, and I just chose to forget about everything. The main thing being you. You’re my everything, Buffy, and for some reason, I felt like I’d lost you. Gunn and Oz weren’t having any problems with the fame or with their relationships…it was just me. I let myself be deceived by the lights and the glamour of being a rock star, and I didn’t stop to think about anyone’s feelings but my own. The second I saw your face…the very second that I made both of our lives fall apart, I knew. I was sure of what I wanted out of life. I thought about the future and saw us…we were happy…and I knew. Nothing would ever be the same. I wasn’t faithful to you, Buffy,” he said, meeting her eyes with his own. “I can’t imagine what I’ve put you through, but I want you to know that I have been. Not when it mattered of course, but after that…every night after that. I knew I didn’t have you anymore, but if it means anything, I’ve been faithful to you ever since that night…and I will be for the rest of my life, no matter what happens between us. I owe you that much,” he trailed off quietly.

Exhaling softly at the admission, she finally let a few tears slip free, finally hearing what she needed to hear. She had been waiting for months to hear the truth, and it was finally in front
of her. Looking down at the ground, she found herself smiling.

“You know, when I first saw you,” she whispered, letting her memories taking over. “You were walking into the library that day and I felt like I was falling. I thought you were the hottest guy I had ever seen,” she said with a small laugh. “You thought you were such a badass, with the spiked hair and the swaggering walk and the smirk. Guess some things never change, do they?”

Turning toward him, she saw the smile playing on his lips.

“Well, except for the hair,” she continued. “I gotta admit, I like the curls better,” she said, reaching up to gently run her fingers through his soft hair. “I never wanted anyone more, and I never thought you would want me. I mean, your girlfriend could have been a model, and yet, you would still flirt with me on the side.” Her smile slowly faded as she let her hand drop away from his hair. “So, when I saw you a few months ago, every feeling I had came rushing back. The insecurities and all of the memories of those little side glances. I figured, since you didn’t kiss me while you were with Drusilla, that you really must have loved her…that you were one of the good ones. And yet…when you were with me… if you had to sleep around while you were with me, then I really was nothing to you.”

“Buffy, no! You were everything. Dru had nothing compared to-”

“I know. On some basic level, I guess I’ve always known that, but I need you to realize that if we do this…if we try and make this work…”

Trailing off as she stared out at the grounds, she took a deep breath. “You know, I can’t even remember that night.” Spike eyes snapped up to look at her in confusion as she continued, “I get flashes…here and there. I remember walking into the hotel, and it’s like my mind goes blank and the next thing I know, I’m in the stairwell with you. Sometimes I get flashes of certain images and I think it’s what really happened, but it could just be my mind playing tricks on me and making it all up. I see it…I see you with her, only it’s not her, at least I don’t think it is…it’s whoever my mind created.”

Buffy looked at him and saw the pain in his eyes that matched her own.

“And I’m grateful,” she whispered. “I know what you did, but it’s like my mind has filled in the parts that it doesn’t want me to remember. Like it’s selective memory or something. I don’t know if what I’m imagining is real or not…I don’t really care anymore, but I get scared sometimes that all of the memories will just come back until I realize that I lived through it once. I could survive it- I don’t want to, but I could. I just get so scared that you’d do that to me again, and I-”

“Never again, baby. I swear,” he said, his voice taking on a desperate quality. “You have my word that I will never hurt you again. Please believe me!”

“I do,” Buffy said, nodding slightly, staring off into the yard before slowly turning to look into his eyes. “I believe in you, Spike.”

Feeling the tears burning his eyes at her admission, Spike exhaled heavily as if he was letting go of everything he had been holding onto. Not wanting to startle her, he slowly shrugged out of his suit coat and stepped behind her. Slipping it around her shoulders, he hesitantly wrapped his arms firmly around her waist. Kissing her softly on the cheek, he tenderly nuzzled her hair, noticing the flash of color. “You wore the earrings,” he murmured with a sad smile.

“Yeah,” she said softly.

“I’m glad,” he said quietly before slowly lowering his forehead to her shoulder, feeling drained from the long talk. He felt more drained from the pain that he had caused them both, but he meant every word he’d said to her. He didn’t want to mess this up a second time. After spending too much time away from her for being an idiot, he wanted nothing more than to revel in the feeling of her body pressed against his, for whatever the amount of time.

“I didn’t kiss him back,” she whispered after a few minutes of silence, almost afraid to break the tranquility of the moment.

Raising his head to settle his chin in the crook of her neck, Spike took a deep breath as he stared out at the gardens. “I didn’t ask, love.”

“I know,” she murmured. “But I thought you should know. I know how much it hurts, and I
don’t want that for you.” Taking a deep breath, she continued, “We went out on a date…a few months ago.” Buffy felt Spike’s arms tense around her waist. “He just heard about what happened and felt it was his job to comfort me in my hour of need.”

Spike had a death grip on Buffy’s figure. “Did you…”

“No,” she said softly. “I thought about it,” she admitted after a moment. “But ultimately, I would have done it to hurt you. I didn’t think that was a good enough reason.” Turning around in his arms, Buffy felt her lower back being gently pushed against the railing as his body pulled closer to hers. “I guess you walked out tonight before you saw me kick him.”

This brought a bright smile to Spike’s lips as he tilted his head to look at her. “You kicked him?”

“Twice,” she admitted almost sheepishly.

“That’s my girl,” he said, the pride obvious in his voice before his smile faded, realizing what he said. “Buffy, I’m-”

“Shhh,” she whispered, putting her finger to his lips for a moment before wrapping her arms around his waist. Putting her head on his chest, she breathed in synchronization with him for a moment before continuing, “Always, remember? I’ll always be your girl.”

After a few minutes of comfortably holding each other, Buffy knew it was time to let go of everything. She needed to feel better, and she knew she had to make him feel better as well.

“I forgive you, Spike,” she whispered.

The admission was so soft, Spike thought his ears were playing tricks on him as Buffy pulled back to look up at him.

“I forgive you,” she repeated, her voice more clear as she looked into his eyes.

Breathing easier as a weight lifted off his chest, he pressed his forehead against hers. “Thank you,” he whispered, feeling the tears burn his eyes. “I love you, so much.”

“I know. Deep down, I knew that there was never a question of that.”

After a few more moments of enjoying the feel of each other, Spike pulled back to look at her. “I got an apartment the other day.”

“Really?” she asked with a sad smile. “Guess I won’t be seeing you as much.”

Tilting his head to look at her, his brows furrowed as he tried to figure out what she was saying.

“Los Angeles,” she clarified. “Two hour drive.”

“I’m not moving to L.A., love,” he said softly. “I’m living here.”

“Here?”

“Yeah, here,” he said with a smile. “And I was thinking you could come over and take a look at it…say around midnight on New Year’s Eve?” he asked with a shy smile.

“I don’t know…”

“I’m inviting the guys, too. I don’t want to push you into something you’re not ready for.”

Considering the option for a moment, Buffy took a deep breath as she nodded. “Okay,” she said with a smile. “As long as the guys are there, count me in.”

Smiling as he leaned forward to softly kiss her forehead, his eyes widened before closing when he felt Buffy redirect the kiss, pulling her to him to press her lips gently against his. Backing away before either of them could deepen it, Spike tried to regulate his breathing, smiling when Buffy whimpered at the loss of contact.

“Oh…almost forgot,” he said, reaching into his pocket and extracting a velvet box. “Merry Christmas, Goldilocks,” he whispered in her ear, sending chills down her spine.

Staring at the box in shock, she turned to look up at him with wide eyes. “Spike, I
didn’t get you anything-”

“It’s alright. I just saw this and knew that you had to have it…open it.”

Slowly opening the small box to reveal a beautiful heart pendant that was covered in tiny diamonds, secured to a delicate white gold chain, Buffy gasped, covering her mouth in surprise.

“Spike, it’s beautiful,” she murmured, removing it from the box and holding it up to catch the sparse light that was drifting their way from the direction of the house. “Put it on me?”

Taking the necklace from her, he watched as she turned around, offering him the opportunity to put it on her. Slowly securing it around her neck, he found his lips moving forward to gently brush along her pulse point, smiling against her skin at the shiver that ran down her spine. Turning around to face him, Buffy brought her arms up to wrap around his neck.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her eyes watering as she looked up at him.

“Merry Christmas, baby.”

Seeming to hesitate for a moment before meeting his gaze, she took a deep breath, coming to terms with what she was about to say. “I love you, Spike.”

Feeling all of the air drain out of him, he tilted his head to look at her, not letting himself believe what he’d just heard. She’d said it. He’d been told that she still loved him, but he hadn’t let himself really believe it.

“Buffy-”

His words were immediately silenced as her lips fused to his. Kissing each other frantically, neither wanted to give up the sensations that they were causing as Spike eagerly delved his tongue into her waiting mouth, groaning at the contact. Feeling lightheaded as he pushed her harder into the railing, Buffy pushed her lower body eagerly against his, returning his shallow thrusts as they familiarized themselves with the other after having been apart for so long. She felt a moan escape when they reluctantly pulled away, already missing the feel of the other.

“I’m in love with you, Buffy,” he said as she looked up into his watery eyes. Feeling her heart swell at the admission, she gently reached up to cup his face, watching his eyes close in relief of being with her again. “I’ve never loved anyone more.”

“Me either,” she said softly. “I love you, Spike. Merry Christmas.”



Thanks so much to: Paige, Franchesca, BuffyandSpikeForever, Sevvy_O, Cordykitten, Caitie, txjmfan, B & willowmouse for reviewing!





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