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Chapter 8 – What’s Worth Saving?


Present Day


Walking past the outdoor patio of Giles’ apartment complex the next day, Buffy took a deep breath as she approached the door.

“He’s not a part of your life anymore,” she whispered, trying to give herself a pep talk. “You won’t think about him, you won’t talk about it, you won’t even know he exists. You’ll just act like this is a normal day and have a nice lunch with Giles…even if Spike is coming home tonight. It doesn’t matter.”

After spending a long night trying to sort out her feelings…or more accurately, Spike’s feelings for her, she was no closer to feeling any sense of calm. And she was still no closer to sorting through her feelings.

Dressed in a pair of hip-hugging jeans and a black turtleneck sweater, Buffy had opted for casual clothes, hoping to finish up some Christmas shopping after lunch. Knocking on the door of his apartment, she took a deep breath and sighed as she turned around, looking at the Christmas decorations that adorned the exterior of the complex. Smiling as she ran a hand along the holly that decorated the railing of the stairs, she slowly turned around when the door opened behind her. The bright smile on her face slowly faded as her nervous system seemed to shut down.

“Buffy.”

Staring at the woman standing in front of him, Spike’s lips parted in confusion. This was not the Buffy he remembered. Her normally straight, golden hair was now a few inches longer and a darker shade of honey. It fell in waves around her shoulders and down her back. Gone was the soft roundness of her cheeks and body. She still had luscious curves in the appropriate places, but the weight loss was obvious. The same strawberry lip-gloss coated her lips, and he remembered the taste of it all too well, having to stop himself from closing the distance between them and kissing her as if the past five months never happened. Wearing no other make-up but a touch of mascara that brought out the green in her eyes, Spike continued to stare at her.

This was no longer the girl that he fell for all those years ago. This was a woman standing before him, and judging by the look in her eyes, a very jaded woman. Spike felt sadness fill him as he realized he was the one to cause that look.

“Y-you’re not supposed to be here,” she whispered, staring at him in disbelief, shaking her head slightly as she took a small step away from him.

“I drove home a little bit earlier, love,” he said softly.

Her face immediately hardened when he spoke. “Don’t,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Don’t what?” he asked in confusion.

“Don’t call me love. You don’t have that right…not anymore.”

“Buffy, please listen-”

“Listen?” she repeated in disbelief. “You expect me to listen to you?”

“I just needed to…explain. It was…it only happened twice, pet, and I-”

“I-I can’t…I can’t listen to this,” she said, turning and running down the steps.

Spike immediately took off after her. Reaching her at the archway, he grabbed her arm to stop her escape, spinning her around to face him.

Glaring at the stranger she saw before her, Buffy jerked her arm out of his grasp, taking a step away from him.

“Buffy, I just wanted to-”

“You apologize to me, I will beat you to death.”

The venom in her voice made Spike stare at her in shock. Deciding to try a different tactic, he took a deep breath, wanting to calm his nerves.

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” he whispered.

Seeing Giles appear over his shoulder, the older man gave her an apologetic look, silently conveying that he didn’t know his son was arriving early, before stepping back into the apartment.

Fighting the tears in her eyes, Buffy seemed to think about it for a moment before shaking her head. “No,” she whispered. “I-I can’t…it’s too soon and…I don’t know if I’m ready to listen to you yet.”

“What about tomorrow? Please, Buffy, I need to see you…I just need to be near you for a little while,” he advanced slowly on her as he spoke until he was lightly pressed against her. “I’ve missed you, baby.”

Closing her eyes when his lips moved toward hers, she snapped out of the trance she seemed to be in, jerking her body away from his. “No,” she said in a more forceful tone, blinking back the tears as she stepped away from him. “I can’t…I don’t care. I don’t care about what you think you need. Because what I need…is to get as far away from you as possible.”

Turning to leave for the second time, Buffy closed her eyes when she heard his tearful voice behind her.

“Please…Buffy, please don’t leave like this.”

Spinning around to face him, her face contorted with pain as she shook her head, unable to believe what she was hearing.

“Me?” she said in disbelief, hating the knotted feeling in her stomach. “I shouldn’t be the one to leave it like this? I wasn’t the one who created this situation, Spike. If it was up to me, I would have been in Los Angeles with you last night…and the night before that…and the entire month before and…you just threw it all away. You didn’t give a shit about me or my feelings, so why should I care if I leave it like this? Seems to me that walking away from you would be a good bookend to our relationship.”

Every part of her was determined to walk away…unfortunately, the sound of his voice caused her to stop.

“Relationship?” he whispered in a choked voice.

Closing her eyes when she realized what she said, Buffy slowly turned back to face him. “We don’t have a relationship,” she murmured, seeing the tears in his eyes. “I don’t know if we ever did.”

“We did,” he said softly, looking up at her. “You know we did…I made a mistake…nothing I can say or do will ever fix that…but I want to try.”

“You can’t,” she replied after a moment, shaking her head as if she was trying to convince herself. “Some things just aren’t worth saving.”

“But some things are,” Spike said, closing the distance between them, cringing when Buffy immediately stepped away from him.

“If you really believed that…we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

Feeling his heart ache as he watched her turn and walk away, Spike closed his eyes, knowing that he didn’t deserve a second chance but desperately wishing for one, even as her words continued to echo around him.

Some things just aren’t worth saving.







Thanks so much to: Caitie, Karyn, Sevvy_o, willowmouse, spikes slayer, gypsy_jin, BuffyandSpikeForever, Stephanie, & bleh for reviewing!





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