By Heather Martin

*You can lie to others. You can lie to yourself. But you can’t lie to your dreams .*

Spoilers- Grave

Disclaimer- Joss owns all the characters from Buffy TVS. The soul mate principle idea was taken from L.J. Smith’s book series called Night World.

Distribution- Sure, just ask

Summary- Anyone know what dissociative fugue amnesia is? Well, Spike develops such a case after his sudden shiny soul, along with the unexpected return of humanity. He just can’t cope, so he pretends to be somebody he‘s not. As for Buffy, she lies to herself that Spike’s absence hasn’t effected her. But at night, she cannot keep him out of her dreams. What will happen to these two lost souls? Will they ever find their way? And will it be together?

This occurs after Grave. The time between episodes are unclear. Pretend that everything after ‘As You Were ‘only spanned a couple weeks. If you think about it, that makes sense. Seeing Red, Villians, 2 to Go, and Grave all happened in a couple days.

Attention! This chapter has a new concept that I got from the book series Night World by L.J. Smith. If you totally don’t get it, don’t worry, it will be explained later on.

Chapter 12

Spike ran. His muscles and lungs were on fire, but he didn’t slow down. Images passed through his mind and he tried to block them out by concentrating on moving his legs. He went faster and faster. Soon it became too much and he collapsed to his knees on the side of the street.

A moan escaped his throat. He felt as if he were going to explode. He couldn’t handle who he was or what he had done.

“Spike, you can’t run forever.”

His head snapped upwards. Before him stood a pretty woman with fair hair. She wore a long white dress, and had a kind face.

“Who are you?” His voice was dry.

“You know who I am,” she stated.

He shut his eyes. “No, no I don’t.”

“Yes, you do,” she insisted.

“Glinda,” he whispered.

“Yes, Tara.” She knelt down beside him. She gently touched his arm. “Stop denying who you are, Spike. It is true that you’ve done terrible things. But you’ve also done good as well.”

A sob came from Spike.

“Go back to Buffy. She needs you.”

“N-no one needs me. Better off I were dead.”

“If that were true the powers would have let you die that night in the alley. You have important things to do.”

Her comforting touch suddenly went away. Spike opened his eyes to see that Tara had vanished. He had been left to suffer in turmoil alone.

The figure of the cloaked eliminator popped in front of Spike from out of nowhere. The creature stared down at the ex-vampire with disgust in his eyes.

“You are pathetic,” the eliminator proclaimed.

Spike gazed at the eliminator with blurry vision. He knew the electricity was going to come before it did. He made no move to avoid it. Pain spread through his entire body, and he accepted it.

* + * + * + *

Buffy grabbed her coat. “I have to find him,” she declared.

“Calm down. He needs some time to gather himself. He’s only in shock,” Giles told her.

She threw on her coat and then spun to face him. “And in the mean time he might get zapped by this eliminating thing. I can’t allow that. I’m going to drag him back here and he can deal without being in solitude.”

Nodding, Giles replied,” If that is what you think is best.”

Her face was full of determination. “I do.”

Buffy and Giles shared a final look before she exited the house. She had no idea where to go. She didn’t even know the address of his house. Desperate, she tried the alley she found him in earlier that day. It was empty. Next, she went to the pub he worked at. He was nowhere around. With no other locations, she searched blindly through the darkened streets.

After a while despair came over her. He had probably headed home. He never wants to see me again, she thought. But she wasn’t going to give up. She’d knock on every house and apartment if that was what it took. She wasn’t going back to Sunnydale without him.

A flash of blue light came up ahead in the distance. She jogged toward it. As she neared, she could make out the eliminator pouring electricity into Spike.

Buffy tackled the eliminator. She managed to catch him preoccupied and he landed on the ground. She hurried over to Spike’s side.

With worry, she gazed down at him. “Are you all right?”

(AN- This is where the soulmate principle comes in. It may be a tad confusing, but will be explained later on)

His cool blue eyes met hers. They pulled her in. It all happened in an instant. Neither of them experienced anything so intense. In a rush, warmth swept over them. Buffy wasn’t sure where she ended and Spike began. She could feel his emotions. All the pain and sorrow that were locked inside him came pouring out to her. Everyone of his memories were shown to her.

The fact that Spike was delving into her life force as well didn’t go unnoticed. He went through all the things she had to endure throughout the years. She sensed his startlement when he came across the baby. He recovered by sending a burst of love her way.

All this seemed to last hours to Buffy and Spike, but in the real world it was only a couple of seconds. They came crashing back, feeling cold and incomplete.

Buffy glanced around, her head jumbled. She didn’t get a chance to ponder over what just happened because she discovered that the eliminator had gotten to his feet.

“Very interesting,” the cloaked reaper said. His voice displayed amusement.

Buffy scrambled up off the ground. She placed herself in front of Spike. “I’m not letting you hurt him anymore,” she declared.

“Don’t meddle with things you don’t understand, little girl,” he warned.

“Oh, I understand. You want Spike to go bye-bye into nothingness. Well, that’s not gonna happen.” She went into her slayer stance.

Behind her, Spike struggled to stand. She risked a look at him. His appearance showed that he was weak and weathered.

“Step away, slayer. I can’t do away with your essence. You’re too pure, but there is something else I can take.”

Buffy’s eyes went wide. He was threatening her child.

“Buffy, please do as he says,” she heard Spike beg.

Anger ran through her. How dare this eliminator bring her unborn baby into the mix. It had nothing to do with this mess.

“Buffy,” Spike pleaded again.

She didn’t know what to do. Either the eliminator would take away her baby or Spike. There had to be a way to prevent it and keep both.

Growing tired of Buffy’s spectacle, the eliminator decided to take action. He aimed at Buffy’s stomach and shot blue fire. It came too quickly for her to dodge out of the way. Before it could hit her, however, Spike jumped in front of her.

Dazed, she took in what was happening. Spike was letting himself get hit by the power for their child. Tears sprung to her eyes. What would multiple blows in the same day do to him?

Now in slayer kick-ass mode, she stepped away to vanquish the eliminator. But before she could, the electricity stopped. Spike began to give way, and she grabbed him to keep him from hitting the hard ground.

She glared over at the eliminator. “You are going to pay,” she vowed.

“I don’t think so. You won’t likely come across me again. My job here is done.” With that, the eliminator was gone.

His last words echoed in her ears. His job was done?

She lowered Spike gently to the sidewalk. His skin tone that had gained color since his humanity was gone. His eyes were gray and glassy, opposed to their usual vibrant blue.

Buffy knelt and leaned over him. She ran her fingers through his hair. He’d be all right, she told herself. All he needed was some rest.

Spike grabbed her hand. “I’m a very bad man.”

She shook her head. “No, Spike, you’re not bad.” She shifted her fingers in his grasp so that she was holding his hand, instead of vice-versa. Then she brought his palm to lay on her abdomen. “You’ve done some very good things.”

The sound of him coughing ripped a path to her heart. “Rest,” she instructed in a soothing voice.

“Tell Tara I’m sorry. I won’t be able to do anymore good,” he whispered.

“Tara?”

“Yeah, she came to talk to me. Said I had more good to do.” He let out a choked laugh. “Guess I get to go a monster.”

Water flooded her vision. “Go?”

“Just tell Tara . . .”

“Tara’s dead, Spike.”

“Oh.” His mouth went upwards a little. “It was nice of Glinda to make and extra trip to see me then. If you ever see her tell her I’m sorry I can’t return the favor.”

“Stop it right now!” Buffy shouted. “Stop worrying about Tara. What about me? I’m the one that needs you.” Her voice cracked.

“Sorry, luv. You’ll manage without me.”

She touched his face. “I can’t.”

“You never wanted me in the first place, pet.”

“Yes I did. I’ve always wanted you, Spike. And now . . . I need you. You can’t go.”

He breathed deeply. “I think it’ll be all right. Twenty- eight as a human, one hundred and twenty-two as a vamp. I’ve way over my expiration date. Not existing will be a relief. No pain or suffering. No hunger. No depression.” He paused, taking in Buffy’s beautiful face. “No love.”

The tears turned into shattering sobs. Yes, going without love would be more of a blessing. All it ever did was ruin both their lives. Better not have it at all. Their hearts would be hollow, but they would be at peace.

“Things would be easier,” she agreed.

“They will be.”

“Stop! You’re not going to leave,” she insisted.

“Yes, I am,” he replied softly. “I can feel myself leaving little by little.”

Mad at him, she said, “You act as if you want this.”

“I don’t mind it much.”

She slapped him. “How dare you! You have to be like the others and leave. And not just me, but ‘our’ baby.”

“I don’t deserve to be a father.”

“Maybe not, but you are all the same. If you think abandoning it is gonna help . . .”

The sentence was cut off by Spike having trouble breathing. He pulled his hand away and started to gasp.

“Spike?” she asked in panic.

He calmed down a bit, but his expression was still contorted. “Buffy, I may not want to love you . . .”

“Spike?” She was afraid now. It seemed as if speaking was too much work for him.

“I can’t feel my body,” he murmured.

She made a move to lift him. “I’m taking you to the hospital. They can do something.”

“No,” he protested.

Tears streamed down off her cheeks and fell on his chest. Her body was shaking. She had never gone through this kind of agony. Not when she sent Angel to hell. Not even when her mom died. This was something new. A part of her was falling away. A piece she didn’t know she had until then. But it was important, so important. She wished that she had realized its significance earlier.

“I want to spend my last minutes with you,” Spike informed.

She was crying harder than ever before. Here she was, a slayer, powerful and strong, but helpless at that moment.

“Don’t do this to me!” Buffy yelled. “You’re not supposed to die!”

Ignoring her, he went on. “I may not want to love you, but it doesn’t change the face that I do. I know you’ll never love me. I know that I’m a monster. But you treat me like a man. I know I’ll never be one, even with the heartbeat. Thanks for treating me like one just the same.”

“You fool. You’re not a monster. You haven’t been one in a long time. And . . .” She took a deep breath. “I do love you, Spike.”

The tears blinded her. She wiped them away and looked down at Spike. She wasn’t sure if he heard her last statement, for his eyes were closed.

She shook him. “Spike!?”

He remained still.

______________________________________________

There you guys go! Thanks for all the reviews. I hope I didn’t confuse you with the mind meld thing. That is an idea that comes from the Night World book series. It is a very interesting notion. Two people, soulmates, meant to be together, connect minds and share their feeling and thoughts. This story will deal more with it later on.