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Deep Inside

By Heather Martin

*You can lie to others. You can lie to yourself. But you can’t lie to your dreams .*

 
Spoilers- Grave

Disclaimer- Joss owns all the characters from Buffy TVS

Distribution- Sure, just ask

Summary- Anyone know what dissociative fugue amnesia is? Well, Spike develops such a case after his sudden shiny soul, along with the unexpected return of humanity. He just can’t cope, so he pretends to be somebody he‘s not. As for Buffy, she lies to herself that Spike’s absence hasn’t effected her. But at night, she cannot keep him out of her dreams. What will happen to these two lost souls? Will they ever find their way? And will it be together?

This occurs after Grave. The time between episodes are unclear. Pretend that everything after ‘As You Were ‘only spanned a couple weeks. If you think about it, that makes sense. Seeing Red, Villians, 2 to Go, and Grave all happened in a couple days.

If you haven’t read chapter 2 a second time, do so. I changed the ending with Spike in the motel and the driver’s license.

Chapter 3

Buffy and Dawn cooked supper. Well, Buffy boiled the water. Dawn actually cooked the spaghetti and meatballs. She made her mother’s sauce, garlic bread, and brownies for dessert.

They sat in the dining room, very interested in their food. It was uncomfortable and no one knew what to say.

It was Cleo who decided to break the silence. “This is really good,” she commented on the food. Her eyes fixed on Buffy. “Did you do it?”

Buffy turned her fork, wrapping pasta around it. “Um . . . I boiled the water,” she confessed.

“Oh,” Cleo said.

“I do most of the cooking around here,” Dawn informed. “I’m taking home-ec. class.”

“Sure came a long way from the peanut butter tortillas,” Willow praised.

“Well, somebody had to do the cooking without you and . . . “

Everybody knew what name Dawn had been about to say. The red-head lowered her gaze, finding the plate of spaghetti and garlic bread very captivating.

Buffy put down her fork. No, not again, she thought. Her stomach was not accepting food again.

“Buffy, you ok?” her sister inquired. Her expression showed concern.

The slayer pushed her plate away. “Yeah. Just the stomach ache returning from this morning. I think I’ll go upstairs. Be good as new by morning.”

She got up from the table and started out of the room. If she made it to her room in time she was sure that the pain would subside. Maybe she wouldn’t even have to make a trip to the bathroom.

Half way up the stairs, she stopped, holding onto the banister. Ugh, it hurt. Come on, Buffy, you’re the slayer, this is nothing compared to being attacked by a demon. She continued her ascend, making it to the top.

“Buffy?”

Buffy turned around. To her surprise she found Cleo behind her. “Hey.”

The witch came up next to Buffy. “You sure you will be okay? I know a healing spell I could . . .”

The slayer shook her head. “No thanks. I just ate something I shouldn’t have. I’ll be back to my 120% tomorrow.”

Cleo’s gaze met Buffy’s challengely. “Uh , Buffy . . . Are you sure that you only have a bit of food poisoning? I sensed something a little off when I first met you. It hasn‘t gone away. In fact, it‘s even more intense.”

Buffy’s green eyes widened in fright. Images of her mother being taken into surgery filled her brain. She didn’t have some disease did she? She had just gotten to the point of wanting to live again. Fear traveled through her, making it hard to breath.

“Do you have any idea what is wrong with me?” Buffy asked in a whisper.

Cleo touched Buffy’s arm in a friendly manner. Her eyes were soft and caring. “I have my suspicions. And I think you do as well.”

“Huh?”

“Tell me, Buffy, do you have a boyfriend?”

“What?” Buffy took a step back, puzzled.

“All I’m saying is . . .” Cleo took in a deep breath. “Buffy you know what I’m saying. In your subconscious you know what is going on with yourself. You are only having trouble accepting it.”

“Yeah, I do know what is wrong with me. I ate this gross burger the other day at work. Musta not agreed with me.”

“That’s not it. I didn’t want to be this blunt about it, but- Buffy, when was the last time you had your period?”

At first all Buffy could do was stand there. Her lips parted, but no sound came out.

“I know you don’t want to believe it,” Cleo went on. “But, you see, I’m good at looking inside people, knowing how they feel and their body’s reaction to things. I don’t think I’m wrong about this.”

Animation returned to Buffy. “Well, you are! I can’t possibly . . . The last person I was with . . . He can’t have children. And that was months ago.”

“Maybe I’m wrong,” Cleo admitted. “I just don’t think I am. All I know is something is up. Something that doesn’t revolve around food poisoning. You should see a doctor.”

“Yeah, I will.” Buffy’s voice showed no emotion.

She left, going into her room and shutting the door. It was dark accept from the slight moonlight that streamed in through the open blinds. In a trance, she stripped her clothes and then slipped on a blue nightgown. She pulled back the sheets on her bed and crawled underneath them. The room would have been generally warm to the majority of people, but it felt cold to her. She tugged the covers up to her chin. She lay there, not closing her eyes. A long while passed where she didn’t even move. Her eyes stared up at the ceiling, blankly.

All of a sudden, she caved in. Her strength disintegrated, leaving her sobbing in helplessness. She had never seemed so alone before. And she had experienced the feeling quite often. But never as strong as this.

She curled up in a fetal position. She had the urge to cry out to someone. Her mother. She wanted her mother.

I’m so messed up, Buffy thought. What have I done to myself?

*+ *+* +*

This dream was different than the others. This was a fact because she knew that she was dreaming this time.

He came forward with those blue eyes. The eyes that were so filled with love and tenderness. She hated those eyes.

“Where have you been?” She demanded.

“I’ve been lost,” he replied.

She laughed. “Lost? Where the hell are you to have gotten lost?”

He rewarded her with his famous smirk. “I don’ t know where I am. If I did I wouldn’ t be lost. Doesn’t matter, luv. I’m lost wherever you aren’ t.”

“Well, are you ever coming back?” she asked.

“I’m tryin. Gotta find my way.”

She took him in. He wasn ‘t wearing a shirt and her gaze lingered on his handsomely muscular chest. The sight built up her arousal. She took a step toward him.

“Why do you do this to me!?” she yelled at him.

He lifted an eyebrow. “Do what, pet?”

“This.”

Buffy rammed into him, making him hit the wall. Her mouth smashed against his lips, Spike’s tongue invading her mouth, caressing hers. A tiny moan escaped her throat. They parted, both panting.

She wiped her mouth, disgusted with herself. Fire burned in her stare. “Why do you do this to me!?”

Spike gripped her shoulders and yanked her to him. She slammed against his stiffness, making her gasp.

“Because you want me,” he stated. His hand made its way under her nightgown. “And I’m part of you.”

She violently shook her head. “You ’are’ not a part of me!”

Her silky gown was roughly brought up over her head and tossed aside. His hands cupped her bare breasts. “Yes I am. And there’s nothin you can do about it.” He rubbed her nipple, making it harden. “Not now.”

Spike removed his dark jeans, relieving himself. Buffy couldn’ t stop the wetness that collected between her legs. She wanted him. It didn’ t matter how much she tried not to. She wanted him to be in her. God, she wanted him to ‘be’ in her forever.

They fell on the bed, kissing and touching each other everywhere. His cock slid into her without warning. Her head was thrown back and she cried out. Her nails dug into his back, almost certain to leave marks.

Grinding into her, drawing out and pounding in all the way again. Buffy knew her control would soon perish, throwing her over the edge.

“You are a part of me. I am a part of you. Admit it,” he gasped out.

She couldn’ t get any words out. Her body began to convulse. She exploded, screaming. Spike came simultaneously.

Afterward, he rolled off her. He propped himself up on an elbow. His hand came out, fingers pressing on her middle. “I’m in you, Buffy. Even now, when we aren’ t shagging our self into oblivion.” He took his hand off and replaced it with his ear. “I can hear it.”

*+ *+* +*

Buffy awoke, springing upward. Her hand immediately went to her stomach. “Oh god!” she said in horror.

_________________________________________

: ) Well, I hope you are enjoying this. We’ll see what Spike is up to next chapter.



 
 
 
 


 
 
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 





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