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Deep Inside

By Heather Martin

*You can lie to others. You can lie to yourself. But you can’t lie to your dreams .*

 
Spoilers- Grave

Disclaimer- Joss owns all the characters from Buffy TVS

Distribution- Sure, just ask

Summary- Anyone know what dissociative fugue amnesia is? Well, Spike develops such a case after his sudden shiny soul, along with the unexpected return of humanity. He just can’t cope, so he pretends to be somebody he‘s not. As for Buffy, she lies to herself that Spike’s absence hasn’t effected her. But at night, she cannot keep him out of her dreams. What will happen to these two lost souls? Will they ever find their way? And will it be together?

This occurs after Grave. The time between episodes are unclear. Pretend that everything after ‘As You Were ‘only spanned a couple weeks. If you think about it, that makes sense. Seeing Red, Villians, 2 to Go, and Grave all happened in a couple days.

 
 
Chapter 7

Buffy was in some unknown house. The room was dark and she fumbled around for a lightswitch. She found one on the wall. Flipping it up, the room became engulfed in light. There was a couch and TV. A stereo system had been set up, with CDs stacked beside it.

“What are you doing here, luv?”
She spun around. There he was in all his glory, bare muscled chest and all. His blond hair was tousled in different directions. The jeans he wore on were unbuttoned, indicating that he threw them on quickly.

She faced him, crossing her arms. “Don’t tell me I woke you,” she said.

He took a step toward her. “Actually, yeah, ya did.”

“It’s night, Spike. Shouldn’t you be up and about, you being nocturnal and all?”

He flashed her his famous smirk. “Things change, luv.”

She nodded. “Yeah, they do.” Her hand came up clutching a CD of Billy Idol. “Apparently not your taste in music.”

“Ha ha, very funny, slayer.”

The atmosphere changed. Buffy put down the CD. “Spike, why are you here?”

“Good as any other place.”

“I need you.”

He chuckled. “Always needin me for something.”

She sighed. “This time is different.”

“Oi, yeah? Not wantin to feel? No apocalyptic danger?”

“No,” she whispered.

He came up, only a few inches from her face. “I’m not comin back until you need me ta love you.”

“I’ve always needed you to love me. I’ve never needed to love ‘you’ before.”

“Buffy,” he breathed.
*+ *+* +*

Buffy woke up. She brought the covers up to her chin, feeling very cold.

Why did she have to dream about him? She was already tormented in the daytime, she didn’t need it while asleep as well.

She rolled over, trying to get comfortable. I’m going to make this right, she thought. For me, for Spike, and for our baby.

*+ *+* +*

On the other side of the globe, Spike opened his eyes as well. He had been taking a nap, not getting much sleep last night. Apparently, he wouldn’t get much now either. After he had a dream about ‘her’ it was a lost cause of ever drifting back off.

He turned his head to check the clock. About time to get ready for work anyway.

Things were going pretty well. He had a job and a small, but cozy flat. If only he could get ‘her’ out of his head. His arousal grew when he thought of her. His heart raced. He wanted her, he knew, but he couldn’t have her. They would cause each other pain. He didn’t have any memories, only a black hole sucking him dry; but he still had feelings. And his feelings told him he had to stay away from ‘her’.

*+ *+* +*

Dawn interrupted Buffy’s packing. The slayer tucked her folded blue shirt in the suitcase and looked up.

“Did you want something, Dawnie?”

“Why are you doing this, Buffy? I think I deserve to know,” Dawn demanded.

“I’ll explain everything . . .”

“Yeah, when you get back, I know.” The teen came over to her sister. “I’m worried. Something is wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t be doing this. Is there some demon wanting to end the world, or does this have something to do with just you?”

Buffy shut the suitcase. “Actually a little of both,” she answered.

“That so didn’t reassure me. Actually, I think I got more worried. I’m not a child, I can handle what’s going on. Come on, at least give me the basics. I’m only gonna find out later anways.”

Defeated, Buffy sat down on the bed. “Cleo sensed a negative force in London. We don’t know what it is or how dangerous it is.”

“It’s in another continent, Buffy. You never seemed to care about dark forces other places before.” Dawn’s eyes sudden widened in realization. “Giles. You’re concerned for Giles.”

It would have been so easy to simply says yes and let her think that was the only reason she was leaving. But Buffy was sick of lies. She hated lying to others, having others lie to her, and most of all lying to herself.

“I’m worried about Giles, but there is another reason I’m going as well,” she confessed.

“What is it?”

The expression Dawn gave her made her crumble. No one ever told the teen anything, she was always the last one to find out. Dawn loved Spike like a big brother. So maybe it would be okay to tell her the truth. Not the complete truth, ¾ maybe.

“Spike,” Buffy found herself say.

Shocked, Dawn said, “Huh? You are going to England because of Spike?”

Buffy nodded. “Yeah. Cleo did a locating spell. He’s in London. Hopefully Giles can help me find him.”

“What about the negative force you mentioned?”
“Oh, uh, Cleo sensed that when she spotted Spike.”

“And you don’t know anything about it?”

Except that it’s centered around Spike, Buffy thought. But she didn’t need to worry Dawn with that. Wasn’t anything the former key could do to help. This was her problem. As a slayer . . . and ( what was she to Spike?) and . . . the mother of Spike’s child.

“Not really,” Buffy said. “Whatever it is I’ll kick it’s a . . . butt, fetch Spike, after showing him how pissed I am for his disappearing act, and come on home. I’ve handled worse.”

“I don’t know, Buffy. You know how much trouble Spike gives us. But we love him anyway.”

For once Buffy didn’t argue. She had come to realize that she did have feelings about the bleached vampire. How deep they went were yet to be determined.

________________________________________________

Next chapter, Buffy finally lands in England. I’ll try to make it longer. Can’t guarantee any Spuffy action, though. Giles and Buffy interaction. Okay, not even close to S/B, but it’s something. Right? Hey, just be patient.





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