Deep Inside
By Heather Martin
*You can lie to others. You can lie to yourself. But you can’t lie to your dreams .*
Spoilers- Grave
Disclaimer- Joss owns all the characters from Buffy TVS
Distribution- Sure, just ask
Summary- Anyone know what dissociative fugue amnesia is? Well, Spike develops such a case after his sudden shiny soul, along with the unexpected return of humanity. He just can’t cope, so he pretends to be somebody he‘s not. As for Buffy, she lies to herself that Spike’s absence hasn’t effected her. But at night, she cannot keep him out of her dreams. What will happen to these two lost souls? Will they ever find their way? And will it be together?
This occurs after Grave. The time between episodes are unclear. Pretend that everything after ‘As You Were ‘only spanned a couple weeks. If you think about it, that makes sense. Seeing Red, Villians, 2 to Go, and Grave all happened in a couple days.
Chapter 8
The baby wasn’t too keen about the plane ride. Buffy managed not to actually heave, however. She passed on the meal and sat as still as possible. By the time they landed her stomach had calmed down. Giles was there to meet her. He was a gentleman and took her luggage.
They hugged before getting into his car. “It’s good to see you again, Buffy.”
She gazed into his fatherly eyes. “It is,” she agreed.
“I trust that you will go into detail as to why you are here.”
She reluctantly nodded. “As soon as we get to your place.”
Buffy got into the passenger seat, while Giles settled behind the wheel. The car pulled out of the airport, and onto the main road. The whole driving on the left was a pretty weird concept.
“How are the others?” Giles inquired.
“We’re good. Been quiet all summer.” She smiled. “What is up with June and July anyway? The nasties seem to take a break then.”
“I wouldn’t know. I am not a demon. And when I was, it was only for one day.”
Buffy’s smile broadened at the memory of Giles becoming a Fharl demon.
“Is Willow adjusting well?” Giles’s asked.
“We haven’t had much one-on-one time. She doesn’t mention what happened. I think she’d rather forget.”
“That’s only natural. She has tremendous guilt with what she has done.” He glanced over at the young woman beside him. “I wouldn’t have sent her back if I thought she wasn’t ready. I’m convinced that she will never lose such control again.”
The conversation switched to more light matters: the Magic Box, Dawn’s schooling, etcetera. The drive was too short, and Buffy soon found herself facing Giles’s new place. It was gray with a white door. The outside appearance hinted that the inside wouldn’t be half-bad. Which ended up being correct. Buffy considered asking for a tour in order to prolong the time before her confession.
Giles led Buffy into the well-furnished living room. “Let’s sit down,” he suggested.
Panic came over her. Great, this is it, I’m gonna have to tell, she realized. She sat down on his sofa, staring at her hands. She searched her mind for anything that would avoid talking about why she was there.
“Nice place. You like it more than your last?”
He didn’t answer. Instead he asked, “Why are you here, Buffy?”
She sighed. What would he think of her? Would he be angry with her? Or would he laugh? She hoped he could find a middle-ground: serious, concerned, yet understanding.
“Buffy, you have to tell me. Otherwise, I won’t be able to help,” he said at her long pause.
“I know,” she replied. “But I don’t know how. You’re going be so disappointed in me.”
“Even if that is so, you can’t avoid this conversation. This trip would be meaningless otherwise.”
Buffy shut her eyes, wanting to be somewhere else. She knew it was horrible, but she wished she was back in heaven right then. There were no worries there, only contentment and love. Things had been so simple when she had been dead.
She was snapped out of her pondering by Giles. “Buffy?”
Her head shot up. “Oh, yeah . . . sorry,” she stammered.
The ex-watcher laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Please, Buffy, you can tell me anything.”
Some of her fear died with that. This was Giles. Her father, not biologically, but in her heart. If she couldn’t confide in him, who could she confide in?
“You remember me telling you about Spike and me, right?”
He cleared his throat, shifting in his seat, clearly uncomfortable. “Uh, yes . . . of course.”
Her green eyes met his. “I’ve got to find him.”
He removed his glasses. “I don’t understand, Buffy. Why tell me this?”
“He’s here, in London.”
He began to wipe the glasses with his shirt. “I see. And you want my help?”
“Yes.” There was a pause. “And your guidance. Giles. . . I’m pregnant.”
As she said the words he had been bringing up the glasses to replace them over his eyes. They fell from his fingers to rest on his lap. The man made no motion to pick them back up.
“Giles?” Buffy asked after he had frozen.
Giles slowly turned his head. “Excuse me, Buffy. Did you just tell me that you were pregnant?”
She nodded. “Uh huh. And Giles. . . it’s Spike’s.”
“Dear Lord!”
* + * + * + *
He read a book on dreaming. It said that it was possible to condition yourself to control your dreams. He was trying to find a way to exclude ‘her’ from his slumber. He certainly hadn’t wanted to replace her with this, however.
Bodies lay all around him. Some had their necks broken, while others were bloodied. He ran, attempting to escape. The heaps of dead seemed never ending, going on forever. He found himself stepping on one. Horrified, he stumbled backwards. The woman’s eyes shot open, making him yelp They were black and hollow.
She sat up. Her gaze transfixed him. “I was going to get married.”
Spike blinked. “Uh . . .”
“You stole my day away from me.” She abruptly stood up, charging at him.
He bolted away. He heard whispers from behind. Accusations, crying, screams, and threats. They all thought that he had killed them.
Suddenly something came in front of him and slammed him to the ground. He raised his head to see ’her’. She had her arms crossed, legs slightly parted. She stared down at him with disgust.
“You are an evil thing. You can’t feel anything,” she spat.
Violently, he shook his head in protest.
“Yes. You killed them all. Women, men, and even children.”
“No,” he moaned.
“And you killed me.”
He put his head in his hands. He rocked slightly back and forth. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
The air changed to a bitter cold wind. “You will never be a man after what you have done. And you no longer can be a demon. You shouldn‘t even exist” This was no longer ’her’ voice, but something else. Something dark. It pounded inside him, wanting to rip his insides out.
Spike tore at his hair, begging to be left alone.
“I am coming for you.”
Spike awoke, gasping. He snatched the lucid dreaming book on the nightstand. Bloody book! Great help it had given him. He threw it across the room. It hit the wall, near the door.
Sodding waste of money.
* + * + * + *
Giles had his arms around his sergeant daughter. She was crying softly now. “I’m so sorry,” she murmured.
The man didn’t think he had ever hugged someone this long before. Refined English, especially watchers, weren’t too familiar with such affections. True he had done such with the scoobies in Sunnydale, but they had never been this needy. Although slightly uncomfortable at first, he was starting to get used to the contact. And he was glad to give his comfort, even if it was a tremendous amount this time around.
“I keep screwing up. I’m supposed to be a responsible adult. Look where I’ve ended up. Pregnant by some evil vampire. I’m the slayer, I shouldn’t be screwing up like this.” She pulled back a little. “Can you ever forgive me?”
“Oh, Buffy . . .” He touched the side of her face. “You are the best slayer I could have hoped for. Everyone makes mistakes. Even slayers. That doesn’t mean they aren’t good. On the contrary, it makes them better. People grow from their mistakes.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t flunk my driving test, Giles. I don’t get a second chance at a perfect score. I got knocked up. By Spike! And nothing can change that. It is the worst possible thing I could have done. And the really bad part is it doesn’t feel as horrible as it should.”
He met her eyes. “Maybe it isn’t so horrible.”
Shocked, her eyes widened. “What!? Giles, this is Spike,” she protested.
“There must be a reason why the rules were broken for you. Vampires, aren’t supposed to have children,” he stated.
“Yeah, I know. Of course, I know. I’m the slayer.”
“Yes, you are. No slayer has ever been recorded as being pregnant. The council wasn’t even sure they were capable of procreating. Do you know what a rarity this is?”
“I’m beginning to. So, you‘re saying this is not of the bad?”
“I’m not saying that your relationship with Spike is right. Everything about it is wrong. What I’m saying is that all the details about this baby’s formation point to it having a higher purpose.”
Buffy leaned back into the couch cushion. “So I could be carrying some messiah? Like Moses or something?”
Giles gave her a warm smile. “Considering your achievements, I wouldn’t be surprised if it were capable of parting the Red Sea.”
“You think?” She smiled back at him.
There was a span of silence, both of them just being there together.
Finally, Buffy broke the quiet. “About Spike . . .”
“Yes, about Spike.”
“He needs to know, Giles.”
He nodded. “Yes, I agree.” He stared at her intently. “Do you love him?”
She violently shook her head. “No,” she said, forcefully.
The older man lifted an eyebrow. “No?”
She bowed her head. “I mean, I don’t think . . .” Her head lifted again. “Do I?”
“That is something you will have to figure out for yourself. It is clear that your feelings are strong. You came all this way to find him.”
“Yeah,” she admitted.
“Then that is precisely what we shall do.”
He was hit by another hug. “Thanks, Giles.”
_______________________________________________
Wow, I feel pretty good about this chapter. I changed Spike’s dream. Originally it had him running through the forest with the dark force coming after him. I hope this one was better. And I added more dialogue to Buffy and Giles conversation. Yep, I like how it turned out. Ended up being quite a bit longer than before for you guys, which is always a plus. ; )
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