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Chapter 18 – Noble Intentions


“Is everything alright?” Spike asked, his hold tightening on Buffy’s hand as they walked the grounds around his mansion a week later.

“Fine,” she said in a chipper voice, turning to offer him a smile.

“You’re sure?” he asked, obviously concerned.

“I’m sure,” she repeated with a nod, looking around the expansive lawn that looked down at the house. Moving to sit down, Buffy tugged on Spike’s hand until he was sitting next to her.

Taking silent comfort from him, Buffy rested her head against his shoulder, smiling when he wrapped an arm around her and lay down on the grass, pulling her with him.

Each lay in comfortable silence for several minutes until she felt the tension in Spike’s body steadily growing.

“Okay,” she said, looking up at him. “Your turn… what’s wrong?”

“Just a little…restless…I guess.”

“Some place you need to be?” she asked.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “So, Miss Summers,” he said with a forced smile, obviously wanting to change the subject. “What do you want out of life?”

“You’re serious?” she asked, looking at him with a raised eyebrow as he studied their linked hands while he waited for her answer.

“Can you blame me for wanting to get to know you?” he said, tilting his head to look at her.

“You do know me,” she replied, looking at him in confusion.

“Humor me, Buffy.”

Considering the question for a long moment, she responded, “My mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. That always sounded good to me,” she said softly, waiting a moment before turning toward him. “Same question, back at you,” she whispered, propping her head up on her hand to look at him.

“I think I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted out of life,” he said quietly, obviously lost in thought.

“But are you happy?” she asked, seeing the indecision in his eyes as the moonlight washed over his face.

“I am now,” he whispered, pulling her down to him for a soft kiss.

Gently letting her lips play over his, she slowly pressed her forehead against his, pulling away from the kiss. “Are you happy with me, or are you just happy that you have someone with you? That you’re not lonely?”

“How can you ask me that?” he whispered.

“Because I don’t know you, Spike,” she murmured, avoiding his eyes. “You won’t let me in.”

Considering what she was saying for a moment, Spike slowly turned toward her. “Buffy, there’s something I need to tell you,” he whispered, sitting up, waiting until she mimicked his movements before continuing. “I haven’t been entirely honest with you.”

“About what?” she asked, swallowing hard as she waited for him to continue.

“About money.”

“Money?” Buffy repeated, her eyebrows knitting together. “You said the money was from your family?”

“A lot of it was from them, yeah,” he said with a slight nod, licking his suddenly dry lips. “But I did a lot of things that weren’t exactly…legal, by any standards.”

Looking at her to judge her reaction, he saw the gentle expression on her face. “And now?”

“There’ve been times,” he said softly. “I liked the rush…I liked the crunch…never stopped to see what I was actually doing. What I’m still doing.”

“What are you doing, Spike?” she whispered in a choked voice, fighting the tears in her eyes.

“I’ve taken a lot of things that I don’t deserve,” he muttered, avoiding her eyes. “Hurt people who thought I was their friend.”

“Have you killed anyone?” she asked, looking at him with wide eyes, seeing his gaze flash to her before looking away.

“I have,” he said softly. “I’m not happy about it… not proud of it… but I have.”

Buffy’s throat closed in dread. She’d known it was true from the moment she knew who Spike was, but it had never been confirmed from him.

“Have you stopped…everything?” she asked, nearly closing her eyes as she waited for his response.

“No,” he replied solemnly.

“I have to go,” Buffy whispered, fighting the tears in her eyes as she attempted to get to her feet, stopping when she felt Spike’s arms band around her waist, refusing to let her leave.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. Seeing the fear in her eyes when she turned toward him, he felt a wave of nausea wash over him that he had caused that. “I can’t let you leave, Buffy.”

“Spike,” she whimpered, feeling like she was being pulled in three different directions.

“I needed you to know,” he whispered. “I had to be honest with you.”

“Let me go,” she said, struggling against him.

“I can’t,” he said, his desperation growing as he held onto her. “Buffy, please listen to me. I need you to understand.”

“Understand what?” she asked, pushing away from him until she was able to stand up, watching Spike quickly get to his feet. “Understand that you’re a liar and a murderer? That you killed someone’s father or son?”

“It’s not like that,” he said, grabbing her hand when she tried to walk away. “It was kill or be killed, and I took my pick. I had to do it, Buffy.”

“You had to do it,” she repeated, closing her eyes and bringing her hands up to them, trying to erase the stress of the situation before slowly turning to look at him again, letting her hands fall away from her face.

“Yes,” he said, nodding to try and get her to understand.

“Then stop.”

“What?”

“Stop. Stop everything. Don’t get mixed up with anything bad. Please, Spike.”

“I…I can’t, love,” he whispered, shaking his head.

Opening her mouth to respond, Buffy’s eyes widened when she heard the sound of blades slicing through the air. Looking up, she took a few steps back when she saw the helicopter above them, preparing to land.

“What’s this for?” she asked, feeling her stomach clench when he cupped her face in his hands.

“Something I have to do.”

“Where?”

“Philadelphia,” he said, giving her a rushed kiss. “I’ll be back in a few days.”

“What? A few days? Where’s this coming from?” she asked, yelling over the sound of the helicopter engine.

“It’s kind of last minute. I’m sorry, love- I’ll explain more when I come home.”

“Spike, you…”

Trailing off when he jumped into the helicopter, turning around to look at her, she saw the unspoken apology in his eyes. Feeling her heart clench as she watched him mouth ‘I love you’, Buffy turned away with tears in her eyes, battling every instinct she had to stop him.

Letting the tears spill free as the chopper lifted off the ground, Buffy’s hands covered her face, knowing what she had to do.

* * * * *

Walking into FBI headquarters, Buffy took a deep breath, closing her eyes, knowing that she had to do this. She had to be strong and do what was right, no matter what her conflicting emotions told her.

Giles looked up from the electronic grid he was studying, offering Buffy a bright smile when he saw her.

“I trust that since you’re here, it’s time.”

“Spike was picked up tonight,” she said, barely managing to keep the emotions out of her voice. “The helicopter…he said that it was important and he’d see me in a few days.”

“And there’s proof that he’s done something we can catch him with?”

Throwing the file onto the table, Buffy stared at it unseeingly. “That’s all the information I’ve collected on him since I started. Angelus is going after a Renoir in Philadelphia…Spike wants to beat him to it.”

Looking down at the floor, she tried to stop her quivering chin or the nagging voice in the back of her head that said they should be going after Angelus.

Giles studied the young woman for a long moment before turning back to the grid. Entering in some numbers, he spoke as he punched in the buttons, “The helicopter, you say?”

“Yeah,” she murmured, watching as the tiny blip appeared on the screen, indicating where Spike was. Or where the helicopter was.

Feeling the beginnings of a migraine, Buffy pressed the palm of her hand against her forehead, trying to ease the tension.

“Are you alright?” Giles asked, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Buffy fought back every emotion she was feeling, meeting Giles’ gaze with a soft smile. “Just a little stressed out…good night’s sleep and I’ll be good as new.”

“You’re sure?” he asked, obviously concerned.

Staring at the grid that indicated Spike was now at the airport, she forced herself to come to terms with what she’d just done. “I’ll be fine.”




Thanks so much to: Suzee, angelbliss, Cordykitten, DK, Melissa & everyone who reviewed when this was originally posted!





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