Chapter 29 – Raging Emotions
Buffy felt as if she was going stir-crazy in her home. Frustrated that she couldn’t do something more useful with her time – and desperately needing something to calm her overzealous thoughts – she was ready to call Giles and demand that he let her come back to work.
Of course, she knew how that conversation would end up, so she didn’t bother. He had told her a mandatory week off and she knew better than to try and get him to bend the rules for her. He was more worried about her than anyone.
‘You only have to wait a couple more days,’ she thought, taking a deep breath. ‘It won’t kill you to have some time off.’
All bruises were virtually undetectable and her ribs were feeling better, but the loneliness that she was feeling seemed to encompass her, drawing her farther into the depths of despair.
Shaking her head, she cleared her throat, expertly chopping up the vegetables for her salad, glancing out the large window in her kitchen in time to see the vivid colors of the sunset fading away, leaving nothing but a hazy gray sky. Buffy briefly paused in her movements, closing her eyes when her heart rate picked up speed. Not bothering to question what was happening, she turned back to the vegetables in front of her, nearly shaking her head at the irony. “Not to sound redundant or… like you, but get out.”
Hearing footsteps slowly approaching her, she didn’t bother to look over her shoulder when they stopped. Her entire body was tensed as she waited for him to say something.
“What the hell do you want?” she finally asked, her voice that had been strong and held such conviction just moments ago now sounded weak and hollow to her own ears.
“Just thought I’d stop by.”
Turning around to face him, Buffy took a deep breath, seeing Spike casually leaning against the doorframe that led into the hallway, his hands shoved into the pockets of his duster.
“Oh, come on,” she said, her voice slightly teasing as she looked at him with a smirk on her face. “You can come up with a better excuse than that.”
Seeing his eyes drop to the floor, Buffy suddenly realized how uncomfortable he seemed to be, standing in her kitchen. She had never seen him look anything but sure of himself and in control- the man in front of her was obviously nervous, in spite of his relaxed demeanor. It left a feeling of discontentment in Buffy’s stomach.
“Why are you really here, Spike?” she asked, dropping all pretenses and niceties as she stared at him through cold green eyes.
“I heard you lost a baby,” he said softly, seeing her tense before she turned away to prepare the pasta that was in front of her.
“I didn’t lose a baby- my baby was killed,” she whispered, closing her eyes to fight off the pain that seemed to shake her to the core.
“I’m sorry, love… poor choice of words and… I’m sorry.”
The double, or perhaps triple, meaning of the apology was obvious.
The standard response to that sentiment had always been ‘It’s not your fault’, but what do you tell the man who had been the father of your child when it was his fault? Not directly- no more directly than Buffy herself- but what would have been different if he hadn’t told her to get out that night? If Angelus’ men hadn’t seen him that day?
Or if she hadn’t told him she didn’t need his help…
“What are you doing here?” she asked, biting her lip and clutching the edge of the counter to keep herself from turning around.
“Guess I just wanted to see for myself that you’re okay,” he said, his calm voice never rising, causing Buffy to strain to hear him in the quiet room. “I tried to tell-”
“Yes, Spike, you tried to tell me!” she cried, whirling around to face him. “Everyone tried to tell me. Everyone…” Trailing off in a choked voice, Buffy closed her eyes, pressing the palms of her hands to her forehead as she tried to regulate her breathing. Slowly looking at him again, she saw the questioning gaze and the underlying sympathy in his eyes.
And she hated him for it.
“You also told me to get out, remember?” she asked, tilting her head to study him. “You told me to leave before I had to leave in a body-bag. You told me that I couldn’t handle Angelus and you…” Biting her lip, she let a slight smile play on her lips before shaking her head. “Doesn’t matter,” she whispered, looking up at him once again. “None of it matters. Nothing I say will change the past.”
Turning away from him, Buffy closed her eyes as she listened to his footsteps cross the tile before feeling his hand gently brush the hair away from her shoulders.
“You’re right,” he said quietly. “Nothing you say will change it… but maybe you needed to get it out there.”
“Maybe,” she murmured, turning toward him slightly, seeing him watching her out of the corner of her eye.
“And yeah, I knew it was dangerous,” he continued, seeing her briefly raise her eyes to his before looking away. “Angel’s a sick son of a bitch, but I never thought he would hurt the mother of his own child,” Spike said, a bitter note creeping into his voice.
Looking up at him in surprise, Buffy opened and closed her mouth several times, unable to think of anything to tell him for a moment.
“I didn’t… I never…” Trailing off, her brows still furrowed in surprise, she turned away from his curious gaze, only to feel his hands on her shoulders, redirecting her attention back to him.
“Never what?” he asked softly.
Swallowing all of the nerves in her stomach, she knew that he deserved the truth. “It was your baby, Spike,” she whispered, cowering slightly when she saw the darkening of his features.
“No,” he said in a raspy whisper, shaking his head as he stumbled backwards, needing distance from her. “No,” he repeated more forcefully, seeing the unshed tears that were shimmering in Buffy’s eyes.
Averting her gaze, Buffy jumped but didn’t make a move to restrain him when she heard his fist hitting the wall as he frantically tried to take his rage out on something. She knew without a doubt that he would have stopped if she had so much as moved closer to him, but she also knew that he needed to get this out. She’d had her fair share of near-breakdowns, and she was more than willing to wait until he got it out of his system, instinctively knowing that he felt responsible. And more than a little bit guilty.
Seeing him visibly calm down, Buffy watched as his fists relaxed, leaving his hands firmly planted on the wall as she turned away from him.
“And you were never going to tell me?” he asked angrily, looking at her with a darkened expression.
“When did you want me to tell you, Spike?” she said, not having the courage to turn around and face him as her hands fisted on the counter, trying to control her raging emotions. “Did you want me to call you up and say ‘Hey, remember me? Guess what- I know we hate each other, but I’m having your baby’?”
“It would have been a start,” he whispered coldly.
“And then what?” she asked, spinning around to face him. “You tell your minions that they have to wait nine months before they kill me? I’m sure that would have been your number one priority.”
“Is that really what you think?” he asked in a soft whisper, his eyes narrowing dangerously when she didn’t answer. “If I wanted to kill you, you’d already be dead. Never forget that, love.”
His tone of voice sent a chill up and down her spine as she turned away from him, unwilling to look him in the eye anymore. “Then why am I still here?” she whispered in a choked voice, closing her eyes.
Waiting for a response, Buffy swallowed a gasp when she felt his hand grab her throat. Immediately spinning around, her hand reflexively grabbed the butcher knife on the counter, only to be stopped by an iron grip. Staring up at him with an unreadable expression, she took a deep breath, seeing the smug look on his face.
“How many weapons do you have in here?” he asked, his calm tone scaring her more than the hand that was firmly wrapped around her neck.
“What do you care?” she asked, tightening her hold on the knife, feeling his hand tighten around her wrist in response.
“Never said anything about caring… but you shouldn’t have to reach for a weapon when you feel threatened.”
“I’m touched,” she said in a disinterested voice. “You’re actually taking an interest in me.”
Closing her eyes when Spike leaned forward, letting his lips brush against her skin as his breath tickled her ear, she trembled when he spoke.
“Always have.”
The whispered words sent an involuntary shiver racing along her spine before her eyes snapped open when she was released.
“So let’s try this again,” he said, extracting the knife from her grip and tossing it over his shoulder without looking, noticing Buffy jump at the loud clatter it made when it landed in the sink.
“Try what ag-”
Cut off with a gasp when his hands wrapped around her throat, viciously applying pressure until her back slammed flat against the counter, she immediately grabbed at his hands, seeing the cold indifference on his face. Scratching at his arms, trying to get him to release her, she made herself calm down as much as possible, getting a clear head before changing the angle and slamming her elbow into his face. Clutching at the edge of the counter to keep herself upright when he stumbled backwards, her other hand went up to her neck, rubbing the handprints that would surely be there the next morning.
“There’s my girl,” Spike said, stemming the flow from his bloody nose.
“I’m not your girl,” she replied angrily, resisting the urge to give him a black eye to go with his nose. “And I don’t need your help,” she spat out angrily, finding it hard to speak as she rubbed her bruised throat.
“You don’t need help?” he asked in a challenging tone.
“I never have.”
“Then why couldn’t you do that with the pillock?” he asked angrily, trying to cover his emotions. “You’re the strongest woman I know, Buffy. Why couldn’t you… why?”
“You weren’t there!” she cried angrily. “You have no idea what happened. What I went through. I didn’t know how to act around him, how to…” Trailing off as she closed her eyes, Buffy pressed her palms to her eyes with a strangled cry.
“Damn it, Spike,” she whispered in a harsh voice, obviously trying to swallow her tears. “You weren’t there. If it had been you… if I had been with you… but I wasn’t and…”
Removing her hands, she slowly turned away, taking a deep breath, clawing at the counter as if she could disappear into it.
“What are you saying?” he asked softly, hesitantly stepping forward and gently putting his hands on her waist, noticing that she didn’t flinch away from his touch. Even after all of the violence that they’d inflicted on each other, she still seemed to take comfort in him.
“I shouldn’t have taken that assignment,” she whispered in an agonizing tone. “I wasn’t ready… not emotionally and… and Angelus goes for a weakness. That’s who he is. He knew that there was something off and he used it to his advantage. When my guard was down, he noticed.”
“Did he know about the baby?” he asked, a hard edge to his voice.
“I didn’t even know,” Buffy whispered, letting her head fall into her hands. “I knew that something with my body was a little… off, but I just attributed that to stress. Two huge assignments in a few months… I didn’t think it was anything. I don’t even think that Giles would have told me, but a nurse walked in and she thought she could offer me some comfort and…”
“That’s how you found out?” Spike asked, his heart aching for her when he saw her nod. “Did you… did you want the baby?”
Slowly dragging her hands down her face until they were folded in front of her, she unseeingly looked straight ahead, obviously thinking about what she wanted to tell him. “How can you want something you never really had?” she whispered, not putting any weight behind her words, closing her eyes when Spike’s hands tightened around her waist, breathing a sigh of relief when his lips gently brushed along her neck.
“It’s easy, love,” he murmured against her skin, not moving to take it any farther as he wrapped his arms around her waist, nearly jumping in surprise when she turned in his embrace and eagerly wrapped her arms around him. That had been the last reaction he was expecting.
Gently holding her close to him, he ran a hand over her hair, closing his eyes when he felt the moisture of her tears seeping through his shirt before taking a deep breath.
This wasn’t him.
He wasn’t this guy.
He was supposed to stay hard. Cold. That’s who he was, who he had always been. But the feel of her warm, soft body seeking comfort from him had him pulling her even closer.
“You shouldn’t be here,” she whispered after a moment, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves.
“I know,” he murmured, his voice muffled by her hair.
“Promise me something,” she said softly, seeing him pull back to look at her. “Promise me you… you’re not doing anything that will make the Bureau come after you.”
“At the moment… I’m not.”
“Spike,” she whispered, putting the weight of her feelings behind the single word, closing her eyes to ward off the pain.
“Buffy, if you think I’m going to let this slide-”
“Let what slide?” she asked, her eyes growing wide when she realized what he was talking about. “Spike, no. No! You can’t… I won’t let you.”
“You don’t really have a choice, love.”
“No,” she repeated, shaking her head. “We’re looking for him, we’re going to find him and…” Trailing off when he gently lowered his lips to hers, eliciting a small moan from her when his hands cupped her face, he slowly pulled away, seeing her flushed face and glassy eyes, remembering a time that was so easy for them.
‘Was it really only a few months ago?’ he asked himself, shaking his head as he stepped away.
“Spike, please don’t do this,” she pleaded, catching his arm when he tried to walk toward the door.
“Why do you care?” he asked, turning to face her.
“I… I just do, okay?” she replied, nearly choking on the words as her true feelings almost came out. “I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“Trust me, I won’t be,” he said, walking out the door before she had a chance to respond.
Nearly slamming it behind him, he flipped open his cell phone, waiting until he heard his friend’s voice on the other line.
“Gunn, find out where O’Neill is. Now.”
Thanks so much to: spuffette, Cordykitten, Whitelighter354, PK, Franchesca, DK, baby spikes, Jenny, Caitie, H, Jessica, wikka tara, bluebird, Kimber, Brittany, Raven, Opal, Becky, flibble, jennybean, demona424, B, Raspy_Luv, BuffyandSpikeForever, Roz, Chelsea, Tahmoe, crazy- bitch, Crystal Pegasus, Hazel & txjmfan for reviewing!
[Reviews - 1000]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 5275 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm going out of town this weekend and will have no internet access for a week, so this will be my last update until next weekend. Have a wonderful week, everyone!