Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanx so much to all who have reviewed, it means so much to me. you all kick ass and this chaps for you :)
This ones for you guys, special thanx to Crystal Pegasus, Cory Kitten, Brat, Bint, Flibble, Mariana, Daisy, Blondiebear, Caitie, Moonorchid, Anne, Saltygoodness, BuffyandSpikeForever, Blazing Fire, Neo, Pam, Midnight Girl, Mariana, Melissa g, Marie, UncagedMuse/Rae.




Buffy turned another page, utterly intrigued. He seemed so……lost. So far from what she had read he was a sad and lonely teenager. There was a little bit about a crush and she couldn’t wait to find out about what had happened with it. Had he won the girl?







Buffy held his hand tightly and urged him to keep walking. They got to a store called ‘Locker Loser’. Spike went to walk past it but Buffy dragged him in.

Spike walked in and gasped. It was as if he had just walked onto a movie set about his life, only not the one he had now, the one he had then. Pre-Spike he called it.

Buffy pulled him to a set of chairs and he sat next to her. She handed him popcorn and he looked at her confused.

“Where did you get this? We didn’t see any concession stand.”

Buffy put her finger to his lips. “Shhh, it’s about to start.”

He turned back towards the ‘show’ and quieted down.


There he was at around 15 years old, hair all mousy brown and curly. Pen’s in his shirt pocket and books in hand. He walked to his locker and put in the combo. When the door opened he placed his chemistry book inside and reached for his lunch.

BANG. Three big brutes who he remembered well where surrounding him, ready to pick on him as they did every day.

The William he was watching flinched and seemed to shrink into himself. As Spike watched his temper began to flare. “Bloody hell luv’ let’s get the soddin’ hell out of here ya?”

He heard yells of ‘shut-up’ and ‘come on we paid to see this’. He turned around to tell whoever was yelling at him to fuck off but the words never made it out of his mouth.

Buffy took his hand and led him out, the sound of laughter reaching their ears as the door closed behind them.

“What’s going on Buffy? I don’t like it here.”

She gave him a small smile and kissed him lightly. “Baby you have to be here right now and you’ll always be here if you don’t admit you’re lost and ask for directions.”

“I don’t know what you mean baby.” The tears began to gather in his eyes but he pushed them back. He wouldn’t cry in front of Buffy, wouldn’t admit he didn’t know how to get out of this hellish little town. He would find the way and then him and Buffy could live happily ever after. “I love you kitten.” He said and cupped her face in his hands.

Buffy started to walk away. “No you don’t, but thanks for saying it.”

He watched in horror as she disappeared, just faded from sight. “Buffy? BUFFFYYYYY?” he screamed but no one answered. He sank to his knees and let the tears come.





Buffy closed the book and gently took her hand out of Williams. She closed the door gently behind her and walked down the hallway to the cafeteria. She ordered her lunch and sat at an empty table. Her heart bled for what had happened to him. Being picked on everyday like that must really have a toll on a person. Right after lunch she would read some more. She needed to find out what had happened with his crush. The more she read the more an idea began to form in her head. It was a long shot but it might just wake him up.

After dumping the contents of her tray in the garbage bin she headed back to Williams room. When she opened the door what she saw made her whimper. He looked so sad and tears where streaming down his face.

She rushed to his side and took his large hand in hers again. She dabbed at his tears with a Kleenex, drying his face. She would shave his face tonight, he was getting pretty scruffy. All that stubble hiding the ivory shade of his skin was a sin, at night when she looked at him he seemed to glow in the moonlight. He looked heavenly at these times to her.


She picked up the journal and began to read again, skipping ahead just a few pages. There it was. A girls name, Cecily. The love of his life. Buffy bit her lip and hoped that what she read would be of the good.





“Why are you crying baby?”

Spike jumped up and held her close. “Why did you leave me? I was so scared baby, I was all alone.”

She kissed his cheeks and brushed away his tears. “I was hungry.”

“I could have taken you somewhere to eat Buffy, I would have gone with you.”

She smiled at him and shook her head. “You couldn’t come with me where I was going.”

“Why not?” Spike asked growing irritated.

“Because your still too lost baby.”

He pushed her hand away and turned to walk away from her but he bumped into somebody and sent the person sprawling.

“Fuck I’m sorry mate, I didn’t see you there.” He said and offered the stranger his hand.

Once the person got up he faced Spike. “It’s okay, no one ever does.” He said before running out of sight. Spike shook his head in shock. He had just helped himself up, a much younger self sure, but himself none the less. As the fleeing figure disappeared around the corner Spike’ eye’s widened. There was only one time he could remember crying in public at that age.

The sound of vicious laughter reached his ears and he turned slowly towards it’s source.

A beautiful girl stood surrounded by men and in her hands she held a piece of paper up and read.

“Hark, the lark…..”

Before she could utter another syllable Spike had torn through the crowd and ripped the paper from her delicate hands.

She looked at him with disgust and laughed in his face. “Who the hell do you think you are?” he roared.

“And pray tell just who do you think you are? Coming up to me and taking my personal belongings right out of my hands, I should have you arrested, you’re benea…”

“I’M BENEATH NO ONE” he yelled as the memories of that day hit him full force. And just like that, Cecily and the others where gone, only him and Buffy stood there now.

“What’s going Buffy? I need to get out of here.”

“Are you ready to admit you’re lost?”

He sank to his knees and pressed his face to her stomach, arms wrapped around her as he sobbed. “I’m lost baby, I’m so bloody lost.”


She pulled him to his feet. “There’s one last stop we have to make before you can go home okay?”

He nodded his head and followed her to a street corner that looked familiar.








Buffy put the journal down and wiped her tears. He had been hurt so badly, so much. All he’d ever wanted was love and he’d never gotten it. That Cecily girl had hurt him deeply. He’d told her he loved her and she had laughed in his face, mocking him in front of everyone. She ran a hand over his face and smiled. Her idea was only reinforced by the rest of what she’d read.



Spike watched as he saw a bike turn the corner. The rain was making the streets slick and the man on the bike was going cautiously. Sadly the man in the car wasn’t. Spike yelled to the man on the motorcycle but his cries went unheard and the speeding car crashed into him and continued on. Spike and Buffy ran to the fallen man’s side.

With shaking hands Spike lifted the man’s helmet and came face to face with himself. He looked at Buffy. “This isn’t what happened.” He repeated over and over again.

When he felt her tiny hand cover his he looked into her eyes and he understood. “I never made it to your house did I? We never fell in love, we never really came here.”

She shook her head no and leaned in………




Buffy closed her eyes and pressed her lips to his, if all he’d craved in life was affection then maybe showing him some would wake him up, she prayed to God her idea would work.




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