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Chapter 8 – Soul Reflection


“Everything went okay?” Spike asked, setting the drink down on the table.

“It’s about time you asked me about it,” Anne teased, leaning back in her chair as she looked around the Bronze. “It’s been twenty-four hours, and you haven’t said a word about the wedding.”

“Sorry, love,” he said, looking down at the table. “Just have a lot on my mind.”

“Okay,” she said, taking a sip of her drink. “To answer your question, the wedding went off without a hitch… Once we killed the demon who was sent here to ruin it.”

“Rough party,” he said with a smirk.

“You don’t know the half of it. And according to Buffy, the nerds have been taken care of,” she said with a giggle. “So that’s a few Big Bads out of the way.” Seeing Spike’s raised eyebrow, she laughed. “Or one Big Bad and three itty bitty bads.”

“Better,” he said, smiling as he looked across the room. His smile soon faded when he saw Buffy walk in with Willow and Tara, immediately making eye contact with him from across the room. Shaking himself away from her gaze, he cleared his throat.

“So the birds are flyin’ again,” he muttered to himself, raising his glass to his lips. “Ain’t love grand.”

Anne studied him as he took a long drink. “Come on,” she said, grabbing his hand and pulling him from his seat.

“Where’re we going?”

“To dance.”

“No,” Spike said with a disbelieving laugh. “I don’t dance, pet.”

“Sure you do,” she said in a cheerful voice, turning to give him a dazzling smile. “You forget that I know everything about you. You’re dancing.”

* * * * *

Buffy felt the jealousy and anger warring inside of her as she watched Spike and Anne dancing and laughing from across the room.

“They look good together,” Willow said, surprised at her own observation.

Tara glanced at Buffy, seeing the inner turmoil the young woman was going through. She knew how the Slayer truly felt about Spike, but it wasn’t her place to step in. She’d leave that to someone who could truly make her understand her feelings.

* * * * *

Watching the couple dance through a set of songs, Buffy’s stomach was violently flipping when they finally sat down at their table. Willow and Tara were out on the dance floor, and Buffy couldn’t ignore the jealous feelings anymore. She couldn’t stand the fact that Anne’s relationship with Spike was so easily accepted by her friends, while she felt the need to hide it.

Standing up and crossing the room, Buffy pushed the hurt feelings away, leaving anger in their place. “So… You can’t get back to your Spike, so you have to move in on this one?”

Anne looked up with a raised eyebrow with Buffy’s identical expression. “Watch out- indecisive Buffy alert,” she muttered to Spike, seeing him shift in his seat, unsure of what Buffy meant by her statement. “What do you care?” Anne asked, staying seated as she raised an eyebrow at the other blonde.

“I just thought you’d have more respect for your relationship,” she said in a cold voice.

“Why should I?” Anne replied, merely testing the other woman. “You didn’t.”

Obviously uncomfortable, Spike stood up, grabbing his coat.

“Don’t go,” Anne said, looking at him with a pleading expression.

“Don’t think I’m wanted here, Goldilocks,” he said, nearly taking a step back when the Slayer turned on him with a look of disbelief, hearing the name that had once been reserved for her and her alone. Turning toward his friend, he mumbled a good night before leaving.

“Happy?” Anne asked, standing up to face Buffy. “I really don’t get you. You don’t want him, but no one else can have him, either? Selfish much?”

“You don’t get it,” Buffy said walking through the Bronze and out the door.

“Oh, but I do,” Anne replied, following her outside, not seeing any sign of Spike. “I get it perfectly. I get that you’re a selfish bitch,” she continued, letting the slamming of the door punctuate her statement. Raising an eyebrow when Buffy whirled around to face her, Anne suppressed a smirk.

She didn’t think Buffy was a bitch- she was a severely messed up individual who had to see exactly how messed up she was to get back to being herself.

Buffy stared at Anne for a long moment, trying to control her emotions as the other woman took a step forward. Taking a deep breath, Buffy set her jaw in a firm line.

“Don’t,” Anne said in a harsh voice.

“Don’t what?” Buffy replied, her voice a menacing whisper.

“Don’t keep it all inside. That’s your problem, Buffy- you bottle everything up! You never just let it out. I barely know you and I can tell that much. Tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me what you want, what you feel. Or better yet… tell Spike,” she said, gesturing in the direction he’d walked. “He’s the one who needs it- he’s the one who deserves it. Because, bottom line- until you can treat him the way he deserves to be treated, I don’t want to know you. If that means I’m stuck in this dimension, then… I’ll find my own way back. But he tried to help you- yeah, maybe it was in a messed up way, but that’s Spike. Have you not figured it out by now, Buffy?” she asked, looking at her in disbelief. “You’ve spent all this time with him, and you still don’t get him. You don’t get what it is that makes him tick.”

“And what’s that?” Buffy asked irritably.

“That he adapts to what you need,” she said, looking directly into the other woman’s eyes. “When he falls in love, he turns into the man that you need him to be. How did he feel about Drusilla?”

“He was devoted to her,” she muttered grudgingly.

“Because she needed him,” Anne said. “And how did he treat you when you first came back?”

“Like I was glass,” she murmured to herself, looking at the ground for a moment.

“And after?” Anne asked, trying to get it out of her. “When he realized you weren’t going to break… how did he treat you? What did you need?”

“To forget who I was,” Buffy whispered, almost to herself. “Or who I used to be.”

“Exactly,” Anne said, nearly smiling in triumph. “He turned into the man you needed. And when you fall in love with him, he turns into the man he truly is. And if you had shown him that you were your own person, that you didn’t need anyone, you merely wanted him, then you would have… my relationship,” she said, looking away with a wistful tone, missing the man she loved. Shaking her head to snap herself out of her memories, she continued, “But he’s the one who was there for you. Who never left.” Seeing Buffy turn away, hiding the emotions on her face, Anne took a step forward. “He’s here,” she said, softening her tone. “He’s the one who stayed. Maybe you should think about that.”

Turning to walk away, Anne sighed heavily before facing the other woman once again.

“I know about what happened. I know all about his past and what the two of you had together- the good and the bad… the bad that both of you caused. And I’m disgusted by it. I’m not saying that Spike should be martyred… God knows, I know how he can be… and maybe he shouldn’t even be forgiven… but for all your talk about a soul, I can’t believe you would treat someone like this. If you put enough weight behind that damn soul, then at least have the conviction to back up your own. I don’t know what kind of issues you have, Buffy, but I’m ashamed to be associated with you.”

Turning to walk away, Anne stopped when she heard Buffy’s voice. Nearly smiling that her little speech had worked to some degree, obviously getting a reaction out of the other Slayer, she slowly turned around.

“Where the hell do you get off judging me or my relationship?” Buffy asked angrily.

“Relationship?” Anne repeated, walking forward to stand directly in front of the other woman. “You call what you had a relationship?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot- the part where Spike was kicking the crap out of me or dominating me on the balcony of the Bronze because he could… I guess that doesn’t count as a relationship.”

“And who let him?” Anne replied in a dangerously low voice. Stepping even closer until she was nearly in Buffy’s face, she looked into her own eyes and saw the mixed emotions in them. “Who let him get away with that, Buffy? Who took a step back and said ‘I can’t depend on myself anymore- I’ll use someone else just to feel’?”

“H-he told you-”

“He didn’t have to,” she said, shaking her head. “I know who I am. I know who you are. But I also know that no matter what, no matter how far I’m stripped down, how hard I fall…no matter what happens to the Slayer part of me… I’m me. I know who’s left. And you’ve lost that,” she said after a minute, tears filling her eyes as she looked at the other woman. “Remember who you are, Buffy, because that’s something that you can’t accomplish through feeling… it’s something you get from yourself.”

Feeling sympathy for the other woman when she looked down at the ground, a slight pout on her lip, Anne offered her a soft smile. “The pout doesn’t work on me, so don’t try it,” she teased, wanting to lighten the mood for the two of them.

Seeing Buffy raise her eyes to look at her, Anne breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the slightest hint of a smile on her face before taking a deep breath to continue. “I think you’ve been burned by so many people, you don’t know which way to turn anymore.”

“I know this part of the story,” Buffy said, meeting Anne’s gaze with her own.

“But you missed the point,” she said, shaking her head. “You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Spike like dirt… when he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime.” Seeing the dismayed look on Buffy’s face, she continued, “He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to abandon him because your friends might not like the idea of your relationship? If that’s true, they aren’t your friends.”

Buffy's eyes began to water as Anne's words finally began to get through to her.

“If you know for a fact that you can never love that man- because that’s what he is, he’s a man… then let him go,” she said. “Break his heart… but make it a clean break. But if you-”

“If I can love him,” she whispered, repeating what Xander had told her more than a year ago in the same way, regarding a different man. “If I really think I can love this guy… scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need… if I’m ready for that… then I should think about what I’m about to lose,” Buffy finished, looking down with tears in her eyes.

She couldn’t believe she was hearing this story again. And this time, it was literally coming from her. Anne’s words mixed with what Xander had told her, until she was ready to scream.

“That’s about it,” Anne said, seeing the tears in Buffy’s eyes. Stepping forward to wrap the other woman in a warm hug, Anne held on as tight as she could, knowing that Buffy needed it.

“I’ve really screwed this up, haven’t I?” Buffy asked tearfully.

“No,” Anne said, shaking her head, her eyes watering with emotions. “It’s still fixable.”

“But how can he want me when I’m not…”

“When you’re not…?” Anne prompted, pulling away to look at her, seeing the tears streaking down the other woman’s face, and her heart went out to her.

“When I’m not you,” she whispered.

Looking at the other woman for a long moment, Anne offered her a soft smile. “He doesn’t want me. I’m not his Buffy, and he’s not my Spike. We both figured that out first thing.”

“But…”

“No buts,” she said with a shake of her head. “I’m his friend. He wants you. He’s always wanted you.”

“How do I fix this?” Buffy asked, almost talking to herself.

“My advice? Talk to him. No pressure, no ultimatums, no extremes- just talk to him. I know you remember how easy that was.”

Buffy’s mind flashed to their relationship before she’d taken it in such a horribly wrong turn. Looking up to see her own face watching her with a sympathetic expression, she relaxed slightly. “I remember.”

“Go talk to him, Buffy.”

Hugging the other woman, Buffy quickly turned and ran through the alley, disappearing from Anne’s view.

“You deserve to be happy,” she whispered, her voice getting lost in the night. Turning around, Anne walked into the Bronze, seeing Willow and Tara sitting at the table. Approaching them slowly, both women looked up when they saw her as fresh tears filled her eyes. Nearly crying when they stood up to wrap their arms around her, Anne clung to them.

“Are you okay, Buffy?” Tara asked, knowing that this was the alternate Buffy.

“I want to go home,” she whimpered. “Please help me get home.”




Thanks so much to: Cordykitten, Spikes Sweety, redwulf50, Bridget, Jen, MidnightGirl & everyone who originally reviewed the last chapter before the server crash!





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