Her eyes took in the dark familiar surroundings and repressed a shudder at hundreds of distant memories. The place was thick with them giving it an almost haunted feeling. Her eyes drifted to the covered furniture that faced the empty fireplace.
Too many memories were buried in this tomb like building living here as though sealed in a crypt. A cemetery in a way of many of her dreams. Even though she had lost her virginity in Angel's apartment this was the place where she finally lost her innocence. If she closed her eyes she could remember the way Acaltha stood in the room, the blinding flash of light as the mouth of hell opened before she drove that sword into her lover's gut sending him to hell.
And although he had found some way back none of the memories after that were happy either. In truth she couldn't remember a whole lot of happy memories when it came to her relationship with the dark vampire. No wonder she didn't come to this place.
She pushed the feelings aside. They were something she had dealt with a long time ago. And while they still could find a way to slither into her brain and cause pain it wasn't anywhere like it used to be. The girl that had stood in this same room years ago was now gone and there was no way to bring her back.
Looking around she could see Spike studying her intently and she had to force down the urge to lash out at him. It was making her uncomfortable but she couldn't blame him. Everything for all of them had changed it was no wonder that he was having a time of making sense of it. It didn't make sense to her either.
Spike couldn't help the way he watched the emotions travel over her face. She was unguarded for once letting everything she was feeling be expressed. He looked on and could even feel the unease radiating off of her in this place. It wasn't somewhere he liked to be reminded of either the months he had spent in that chair underneath Angelus' thumb had driven him close to the brink of insanity. The only thing that had kept him going was the knowledge that he would walk again and find a way to get Druscilla back. A motivation that was lost to him now as he gazed at the blond before him.
He couldn't fathom the fact that she was as dead as he was. The way she moved the intensity of the feelings coursing through her small body kept his mind from thinking of her in that way. Hard to imagine that the body in front of him no longer housed the soul he had fallen in love with. But he couldn't see it and maybe that was the biggest part of the problem. Aside from the fact that she kept telling him she was a vampire her actions contradicted that fact. To know that she had sought out and ended the biggest threat in Sunnydale besides the First on her rising was too strange.
Throwing his body on to the covered couch he watched as she stood staring into the empty fireplace. Her eyes were glassy and far away it didn't take him long to decide to let her set the pace for their talk. Forcing her now would only lead to confusion, which for her usually led to anger and that usually led to him feeling a bit of pain in the nose region.
There was a downside to pushing away her thoughts that the mansion seemed to draw out. It meant she was all to free to concentrate on what she was going through now. She had no desire to confront the feelings she found bubbling up inside of her. In front of her now was a future that she couldn't accept that had no place for a Slayer who was now a vampire. It was odd that she hadn't spent more time dwelling on the possibility in the last few years knowing it was a serious risk in her line of work. But she had buried the fear deep inside her. Each win she had against the undead enemy seeming to guarantee that it would never happen.
What did she have to look forward to? It wasn't like she was going to embrace the life of a vampire of that much she was certain. She wasn't going to be able to go out and kill innocent people she didn't have it in her to be able to deal with that. Not that she would feel guilt or regret not in the real sense but she couldn't justify the action when she knew she could survive without it. She had been witness to that fact. No she would bag it. But that didn't mean she would be able to control the bloodlust. She wasn't even sure how she had controlled it this morning. It wasn't something to be expected of a fledgling more something that was only gained through years of experience. Something only found in Master vampires.
And to make matters worse the person she was supposed to be able to depend on in this situation which was so fucked up she couldn't even begin to make sense of was her Sire. It was supposedly only with their guidance that most fledges managed to survive the first few months of adjustment when the demon was stronger than the humanity and led them to do impulsive and reckless things. Of course even if she did have her Sire he definitely wouldn't be able to teach lessons in impulsive and reckless decisions judging from the fact that he turned a Slayer. Not a bright move.
"You don't have to do this you know." She didn't look back at him as she spoke.
"Haven't got anything better to do pet." She still didn't turn to face him but she could hear the tease in his voice.
"They'd stake me without a second thought."
Spike stared at her for a moment bewildered at her train of thought.
"Why?"
She finally turned around and looked at him.
"Are you serious? You should know better then anyone what they would do. What I would do in their place."
"So what now you’re feelin' sorry for yourself?"
"After the day I just had? I think I have the right too." She just gave him a shrug before looking around the room and sitting on the floor facing the couch. "But no that's not it."
"Tell me what it is then."
Buffy let out a self-deprecating snort. "You know I was just getting used to the idea that I would never have a normal life." She used air quotes around the normal life. "Now I'm not even going to be a normal vampire."
He didn't say anything as he got up and sat on the floor next to her. Reaching over he took her hand in his.
"Okay maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. I just don't know what to make of all this. Last night was bad enough. I mean what the hell was that about any way?" She let out a deep sigh. "This whole year has been so confusing. I just want someone to point out the bad guy let me pummel him and call it a day. But no we have to get stuck with the incorporeal snarking evil. Not to mention having to put up with that many teen-age girls in my house. Do you know what it's like to share a bathroom with all of them? I mean we practically have to take a number to even get in there for a few seconds." She shook her head at her own ramblings. "I just wish I understood what was going on with me."
She watched as he tilted his head at her in that way that told her he was trying to puzzle her out. It was comforting and so familiar that she could feel the sting of tears behind her eyes. Taking a deep breath she pushed the feeling down and forced the lump in her throat to move.
That he could comfort her with so simple a gesture, that she could feel some measure of peace at the touch of his hand reminded her how much he had truly come to mean to her. He was the rock that she had learned to finally lean on, the one person she let in that could fathom her weaknesses and not think her any less for them. The one person in the whole world that was able to see her. The woman, the girl, the slayer and now faced with a her that would be frightening to everyone else she knew he would be able to accept that too. It was a feeling that left her winded giving her lungs the feeling that they needed to fight for air when the last thing she should crave is the life giving breath.
And now sitting here a creature very much like the one she had always envisioned as she taunted him mercilessly, a demon, a soulless ghoul that inhabited a once warm body, she saw, truly saw just how sick and soulless she used to be. For once in her life she finally understood with more then a vague concept exactly what the man in front of her had sacrificed to be everything she could have wanted from him. Saw everything she had pushed him into how he had given her himself entirely while he got nothing in return.
She couldn't help the small tremble of her body at the turn of her thoughts. For a long while she had steered her brain away from the feelings she knew to be true only because of a stupid fear of herself. Fear that she wouldn't be worth him.
And now with a little twist of her life she was exactly what she feared she would become. Someone far beneath him.
Not that she had that far to fall.
She had been a silent witness to the way the man in front of her had been able to love. Saw the devotion he was capable of a century after he first felt its pull. The intensity with which he gave himself fully to anyone he cared about.
No she was already so unworthy of him it wasn't funny.
And now she could finally see it.
Life was turning out to be a real bitch.
Course she should know she was one herself.
She squeezed his hand. This probably wasn't the best time for such thoughts and to be truthful to herself this round of thinking was just making her mind more muddled then it already was.
But she couldn't let go of that kind of self-inspection without a little acknowledgement.
"Thank you Spike."
He had been marveling at the feel of her hand in his the once warm flesh that was the same temperature as his own now. And while in some small way he knew that he should be feeling a bit of repulsion at the thought of his once bright light being dimmed but he couldn't find it in himself. Even if she was dead now, one of his own kind, he still knew it was her. The beat of her heart was gone but the lilt of her voice, the look in her eyes, her scent, the way her hand just felt right in his all told him that he was indeed sitting in front of his Buffy.
He felt the slight tremble that traveled through her slender frame and his eyes narrowed in worry. Ever since he had gotten his soul it was just so much harder to read her. Before it only took him a simple look and he had understood what was going on inside of her pretty little head. But now everything about her had become a mystery. Since his return he continued to be surprised by her.
"For what pet?"
"Just being here. I know I haven't always said it..." She paused and gave a slight snort of disbelief. "Who am I kidding I've never said it. I just thank you for always being here."
"Buffy-"
She shook her head. "Don't, you know it's true. I've never been anything but a selfish bitch to you. I don't even know how you can stand the sight of me." She let go of his hand and leaned to lie back on the floor staring at the ceiling. "Right now you should be gloating you know."
The words were without malice because she knew it to be true. He should gloat he should just rub her face in it. How many times had she brought up his demonic soulless state and thrown it in his face? What better feeling could there be for him knowing that now he had his soul and she didn't?
"Not what I'm about luv."
"No I guess not." She closed her eyes trying hard not to give in to the painful emptiness in her chest. Maybe where her soul once lived.
Could he describe the pain he felt watching her like this. Probably not. There weren't really words that could convey the type of feeling.
"Tell me what happened Buffy."
Letting out a deep sigh she reopened her eyes.
"After I left the house last night I walked around the neighborhood and finally decided to crash in this empty house. I fell asleep for a while until I was woken up by a bunch of fledges. There was like ten of them and by the time I was up they were all crowded in a small room. I didn't have any room to maneuver and let's just say it wasn't one of my better fights. Anyway to make a short story shorter they pinned me down drained me and forced blood down my throat." She grimaced at the memory and was a little startled to feel a comforting hand on her arm. Placing hers over it she gave him a light squeeze. "I came to in the cemetery right near your old crypt and spent some time there trying to figure out what happened to me. Then I got the urge to hunt and went to the vineyard through the sewers. Toyed with Caleb for awhile drained him then waited for it to get dark before I got to the house."
"Tell me what you were thinking when you decided to go after him."
Her lips turned in a slight frown trying to put to words just what she had been feeling. She sat up and looked into his eyes.
"Really I don't know how to describe it. It was like waking up after you've been knocked out you know? Kind of hard to remember what happened. And then everything came at once. I sat there just totally wigging trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do. I just didn't feel like a vampire. I mean I did when I ran into the crypt I mean hello sunlight not the most pleasant experience. But I kept waiting for the overwhelming urge to kill or for the bloodlust to drive all the thoughts out of my head. All that happened was that I started to get a headache from thinking too much."
"And you decided on Caleb because?"
"I meditated a bit trying to get in touch with my demon self I guess. Then I got the desire for a good hunt. Something that would give me a bit of a challenge. He seemed to fit the bill." She sat back up to look him in the eye.
"Don't get me wrong Spike. I still wanted to hunt really hunt and the thought that there was a bunch of meals on wheels right outside was kind of appealing. I just didn't feel the need to waste energy that way. I mean I know I can survive on pig’s blood or go to the hospital and bag it that way. I don't think it's because I feel any tie to humanity and I know there isn't any guilt I just need more of a challenge after years of being the Slayer. Humans are just too weak."
"Buffy-" He closed his eyes for a moment trying to gather his thoughts. It was all a little too much to take in at once. The woman that he loved would never have considered taking a human life. It was made all to real to him then that her soul was truly gone. The answering pang of pain in his own soul cut deeply.
There were other things to focus on though. The time for his own self-reflection at the changes in her would have to wait.
"So yeah I took out Caleb. And given the chance I'll probably patrol just to get some violence in. But I can't tell you I'm not going to feed. We both know it would be a lie. Sooner or later I'm going to run into a person by themselves and think hey how bout some lunch. Maybe you should have just staked me." She turned away from those piercing blue eyes unwilling to see the emotions that flickered there because of her new existence. "I really want to be able to tell you that it doesn't matter that even without a soul I can control the urges. But you know that would be a lie. I'm technically just a fledgling without a Sire. And if you let me continue to unlive well there's a chance that I will lose control."
She looked back at him still careful to avoid looking into his eyes.
"I feel it you know the part of me that still rebels at the thought of killing anyone. It's there somewhere deep inside but it's like really faint. Maybe it's all the years of being the Slayer and having it ingrained into me to protect people. I don't know. What I do know is that eventually it won't be enough."
He studied her face the look of confusion and anguish enough to make him hold his breath. Inside he wanted nothing more then to wrap his arms around her and pull her close. To hold her and tell her he could make things better.
Such thoughts weren't going to help them now.
He was silent as she spoke because he didn't know what to say. There was nothing. Every word she spoke was the truth and he understood it. How could he not? It may have been a century since he had been a fledgling but he remembered the experience pretty clearly. How would he have fared without the guidance of his Sire and Grandsire as insane as they were? Not very well.
His memory of his meek beginnings as William had made him a very confused vampire. Thoughts of death and destruction had been the farthest thing from the young man's mind and it was only the demon within that made the thoughts seem appealing. He remembered the hesitation with his first kill. The slight battle deep within his conflicted psyche about the rightness of it all. It was only the stare of his grandsire that brought him out of his brooding and settled him into his demonic role.
And yes the loss of control that came with the scent of fresh blood didn't hurt either. Years of learning to live with his demon and constant torture from Angelus had taught him the control necessary to keep him from acting just on his impulses to feed. Well most of the time. He was a rash individual it was just his nature.
Buffy had no such guidance if what she said about her Sire was true. And she probably wouldn't have one for long in any circumstances anyway because as soon as he found out who he was he was going to stake the miserable bastard for doing this to her. But her control was something else. It was almost like she had had years of training stamping down its call for blood.
And that brought him another thought. Maybe she had.
It was true that after Buffy had come back from her little portal experience she hadn't told him exactly what happened only that she was offered more power. It didn't take a genius to figure out where the power of the Slayer had come from. He had suspected it for years. The thing was if it was something like the essence of a demon then technically she had been suppressing such urges from the day she was called. Only it hadn't centered on people.
There wasn't much else she could say. So instead she just sat quietly taking in his stoic face while trying to avoid looking into his vibrantly blue eyes. Because the reality of looking into his steady gaze and seeing the pain harboring in his young yet tortured soul was too much to bear.
In her quiet contemplation of his reaction to her she began to feel a slight tingle in her body.
One that was familiar.
She tensed her muscles concentrating on the feeling.
Buffy wasn't sure if she should be glad or not that her slayer senses were still fully active. In fact it was a good thing because her vampire senses weren't picking up on the presence she felt on the other side of the boarded up windows. Looking carefully at Spike she could see he wasn't picking it up either. Odd considering whom it was.
It always amazed her when she realized that she could sense certain vamps. When she finally understood that certain tingles let her know that Angel was in the area she thought it had something to do with the love she felt for him.
That theory was blown to hell when she began to recognize Spike's signature when she still hated him.
Maybe it was the proximity or the familiarity that working together had caused the discernable reactions in her body.
But she was certain that there was another theory.
Because that wasn't Angel stepping up behind her.
She rose to her feet back still turned to the silent figure. It didn't matter she didn't feel any apprehension at the approach.
The look on Spike's face was priceless though.
The gentle hands that landed on her shoulders slid gracefully down her arms in a soft caress.
"Hello Dru."
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I know I know I haven't posted in a long while. I'm sorry. Right now I'm working on this story and one other which isn't posted yet anywhere so I hope the length of this chapter will make up a little for the lack of updates. Thank you to everyone who's left a review.