The mansion was just as Angel had left it when he had walked away to Los Angeles three years ago.
Unfortunately that also meant that everything was coated in a thick layer of dust.
For once Buffy didn't care though. She was so drained that she could have slept on the old sarcophagus in Spike's crypt without complaint and that thing was damn uncomfortable. She slowly made her way down the hall listening to the quiet footfall of Spike's boots behind her. Turning she walked into the bedroom and placed the blood bag she was clutching on the night stand. Stepping closer to the bed she yanked at the comforter. Pulling it completely off she also tossed aside the pillows.
Ah now everything was dust free.
Not even bothering to kick off her shoes she flopped down onto the bed closing her eyes. She couldn't help the deep sigh of contentment that escaped her at the soft touch of the mattress.
There was only one tinsy little problem with her falling asleep right at the moment.
She could feel Spike's eyes staring at her from the doorway.
"Spike come here." The words were muffled by the mattress underneath her.
He made no attempt to move and she cracked an eye open to look at him.
His eyes never left the form on the bed. Right now it was the only thing that was keeping him sane, the sight of her. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this tired maybe after being tortured by Glory or perhaps the deep relief after she had rescued him from the First. He didn't know. But the fact was he was beyond tired.
Yet he couldn't move away. Couldn't tear his eyes away from her body. As if concentrating only on her would help him stay in touch with reality.
He had heard her summons but still he was transfixed by the sight of his Slayer lying perfectly still. Not even the movement of breath through her body.
She looked patiently at the look on his face. The one that told her he was barely hanging on just as she was. If she wasn't so tired it was quite possible that she would be crouched in a corner pulling at her hair and screaming at the top of her lungs. He didn't look too much better off from that.
In the last few months it was easy to acknowledge the fact that he was someone she could trust and that she could lean on. And she hoped that she had shown him the same in return. Despite all the badness that had happened between them the prior year she was sure that they had built a very sturdy friendship that was changing into something else. What she wasn't certain. But she knew that she genuinely cared for him and about him.
Being a vampire changed none of that. Looking at the confusion and pain and all the other emotions on his face all she wanted to do was comfort him. Just as much as she wanted to be comforted by him. Which is why she was looking at him so carefully now.
Sitting up she swung her feet off the bed towards him.
"Spike." The sound of her voice was gentle and cajoling.
This time he was able to look up and into her eyes. The affection in the startling green warmed him but underneath he could see the same play of emotions that were flooding through his own system.
When his eyes contacted with hers she let a small smile onto her lips.
"Come here and sit down Spike." She patted the bed next to her. "I don't bite you know."
She paused for a second and then laughed.
"God that so isn't true anymore is it?"
This time he managed a weary smile at her and walked towards the bed. When he sat down she kicked off her shoes. Suitably undressed for exhausted slumber she gently took his hand in hers and gave it a faint squeeze.
"Been quite a day hasn't it?" She murmured to him.
"Think that's putting it lightly luv." He murmured back to her.
"Would you mind-?" She stopped mid sentence trying to find the words.
"Mind what pet?" He was too tired to think let alone suss out what she wanted to say. That usually took his total concentration. It was much better to ask now that they were talking so openly.
"I kind of don't want to be alone. Would you mind staying here with me? Just sleeping here?"
The relief he felt at her simple question filled with her insecurity and uncertainty had him squeezing her hand in reassurance.
"You know I'd do just about anything for you Buffy don't you?"
This time she didn't hesitate to look into his eyes and admit what he felt.
"Yeah I do." She put her arms around him and hugged him gently. "Come on lets get some sleep." She said as she moved away.
Moving to the far side of the bed she stretched out and watched him remove his own shoes. As each of them thumped to the floor she turned her thoughts inward again.
Right now she wasn't sure if she could deal with what was happening. Wasn't sure if anyone could but she was sure that if she had any chance whatsoever that she needed this man by her side. He was the only thing she felt sure of right in this moment. She was also sure that he was the only person she could depend on which meant he was the only one who would be able to take care of the others for her. Meaning he couldn't stay. Both thoughts chased themselves around in her head and she couldn't help but wish she was selfish enough not to care what happened to the rest of the world. But what would be the point in that. If the world ceased to exist so would they.
"Spike?"
He stopped where he had moved to the opposite side of the bed and looked down at her.
"Yeah luv?" He asked her as he laid down beside her not quite touching her body but close enough that it felt like there was no distance between them. He turned to his side his head propped up by his hand so he could look at her.
Buffy turned towards him watching as his blue eyes searched hers. In this little moment that they were in despite the fear and gut wrenching uncertainty about her future she could admit that she had never felt closer to another person than she did with him.
She reached out and took his hand in hers holding it between them.
"Spike I-" She stopped not really able to find words for what she wanted to express to him.
He squeezed her hand hoping with the reassurance that she would be able to tell him what he was seeing in her eyes. Emotions he was sure he would never receive from the woman before him. Maybe never would. But they were there in her beautiful eyes.
The touch of his hand against hers made her draw a shaky breath. Never in all the time they had known one another had his touch ever left her unaffected. Now was no different.
She wanted so much to tell him what she was feeling. The only problem was she wasn't sure exactly what that was. Everything was so jumbled together until she was just a mass of nerves. How do you tell someone something you can't define yourself?
Down deep where she was sure her soul used to reside she felt the tug that always pulled on her heart where this man in front of her was concerned. It had been like this for longer than forever. Her feelings the ones she had always fought the ones she had denied the both of them had only been made clear in the last few months. Yet now that she understood them the situation again had changed.
If ever there were a couple of people that fate was determined to keep apart it would have to be her and Spike.
"I just want to thank you for staying with me tonight. I can't-" She choked back the bit of emotion she could feel welling up in her throat. "I can't tell you how much it means to me." This time she took her hand from his and placed it against his chest where his unbeating heart lay. The one he used to love her so well.
"Tomorrow I want you to go back to the house and get the others out of here." She met his blue eyes with a determination that she wasn't sure she felt. "Make sure they leave town. Shit make sure they leave the state. There isn't anything left here for any of them."
"You want me to leave?" No matter what he tried he couldn't hide the hurt in his voice. He didn't want to leave her side. And to tell the truth he was a little intrigued by the interaction he saw between his sire and Buffy. It made him long for the touch of family that he'd been denied for the last four years.
"It has nothing to do with what I want." She whispered to him knowing that it was true. What she wanted was to stay next to him and let the feeling of security she felt at his side take over her body. Let it soothe all the hurt and confusion she'd been feeling this whole year. Not just what she had experienced at her turning.
He placed his hand over hers pushing it harder against his dead heart. Funny how something so dead had so much feeling.
"But?" He questioned softly.
"But I need for them to leave if we have a chance of doing this. I can't be spending any time worrying about Dawn. And I need for you to explain things to Will and Faith if we're going to get them to agree to this. I can't do it. They wouldn't believe me anyway."
"And afterwards?"
"I can't ask you to stay Spike."
He opened his mouth to protest and she quickly placed her fingers against his lips.
"I know that you wouldn't hesitate to be here fighting along side me. I know that now. Please believe me that I'm so sorry that I ever did doubt you. But you can't be here for this."
His eyes told her that he didn't understand and she wasn't sure if she did either.
"Spike I can't-" She shook her head. "No I won't let my needs do anything to hurt you again. I don't want to be selfish and ask you to stay. Not when this fight will likely lead to all kinds of badness that would not work well with that wonderful soul you sought and fought for."
He moved her hand from his mouth.
"Kind of my decision isn't it pet?" The corner of his mouth twitched in his familiar smirk. "I promise that I'll get the Bit out of harms way but after. Well after I'll be right next to you scrapin' like always. Nothin' you can say will change any of that. The only thing that I've ever known for sure in the hundred extra years I've walked this miserable rock was you."
"Was me Spike." She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. How could being undead cause her to want to shed so many tears?
If she ever got around to it she was going to find the remaining members of the Watchers council and prove to them that to feel you didn't need a soul. It was quite the opposite in fact. Now she felt even more in touch with her emotions and she hated the thought that all this time she had wasted denying the feelings of the man in front of her was time she was never going to get back.
"I'm not that Buffy. Please don't put me up on a pedestal. Please don't ask me to live up to that. Not now." She was practically begging she knew but she was helpless to stop it.
He rolled towards her forcing her to respond by rolling onto her back. His face hovered over hers a look she couldn't describe on his face. It was so intense and earnest that she felt herself holding her nonexistant breath.
"Never love. I fell in love with you imperfections and all. I know you Buffy. Wouldn't want anything less than who you are. I'll always love you human vampire doesn't matter pet. All of the rest is just window dressing."
She felt a tear escape the corner of her eye and roll towards her ear as she stared into his eyes. Was there really a color to describe the incredible blueness of those orbs?
"I'm so afraid that I'll hurt you." The words barely passed from her lips on a flimsy breath.
"I'm not." He whispered to her. And as soft as his voice was as it left him the words were filled with the conviction of his belief.
"How can you be so sure?" She never even attempted to raise the level of her voice knowing that his vampire hearing would pick up the words.
"I told you I know you Buffy."
Another tear left her and she was helpless to stop it.
This time he placed his hand over her stilled breast.
"No matter what you are still the Buffy Summers I fell in love with kickin' and screamin'. Soul or not for either of us love, that isn't ever gonna change." He watched as the tears fell more rapidly now. "Only place I've ever belonged is by your side."
"Spike." She said his name and felt as though it was a prayer. For what she wasn't certain. Maybe his salvation or maybe her own.
Walls that she kept surrounding her heart were falling around it like dominoes. Unused to such emotion she felt as if she was being swept away in a fast current without anything to cling to to keep from drowning.
For as long as she was the Slayer she'd learned to hide her feelings. Expressing them had always been followed by levels of badness no one even wrote about in horror novels. So inside she kept her fear and pain hiding what she perceived to be weakness by even those she was closest too. Because they expected her to be strong. Even when sometimes she was anything but.
Now here in front of Spike the person she had had the most to fear by showing him her inner turmoil she knew that he wouldn't censure her for it. He would understand. And for the first time she exposed all of it.
Sobbing in pain and relief she grabbed his shoulders and tugged him to her. She buried her head in his neck and cried.
"Please Spike help me." The plea was lost in her tears but as he gathered her close she couldn't help but think he heard.
He pulled the sobbing girl into his arms holding her tight against him her head still hidden in his neck. As the sobs racked her small frame he just held her tighter.
"Oh sweetheart." He breathed the words into her hair. Spike wanted more than anything to lend her words of comfort and strength but was wary of saying anything that would ring hollow. Instead he held onto her like she was his life line and found comfort in the way she clung to him in return.
The grasp they held each other with was so tight it would have crushed a human but neither of them cared about that. Instead she poured all her grief and pain into her tears while he grounded her and murmured comforting sounds into her hair. For once they were finding comfort in each other.
Spike was unsure of how much time passed as he held onto his Slayer but eventually her sobs quieted to occasional sniffles. Pulling back slightly he took the time to look in her eyes.
He saw the openness and vulnerability in her eyes that was usually so hidden. His heart ached for his golden girl and yet there wasn't anything he could either do or say to make any of this better for her. That knowledge ate him up inside. Instead he did the only thing he could do.
Gently he kissed each of her eyelids and then brushed his lips against her forehead. Softly he laid small fluttering kisses across her face still holding her close to him.
A few moments more and she seemed to calm completely. Letting out a deep sigh he met her gaze again.
"Tomorrow I'll go to the house and tell the lot of them to clear out. And I'll talk to Faith and Red see if I can convince them to meet with you." He lifted a hand and let it linger on her cheek. "But for now rest luv. I'll be here."
She couldn't stay awake right now if her life depended on it. The heaviness of her eyes couldn't be denied and they began to drift closed so worn out by the emotional turmoil of the last two days. But before she let sleep take her she whispered once more to him.
"Always want you here."
As she fell into slumber he let his own tears fall at her words. It hurt. It hurt beyond all measure to hear the words finally tumble from her lips knowing that their time together was now tainted by what was to come.
They had been so close. Close to realizing the feelings between them on their own. When they would have been free to make the choices for themselves. He wasn't so deluded as to think that it was a foregone conclusion that they would have ended up together like in some fairytale romance. But the opportunity was becoming more and more present.
Now though he was unsure of everything all over again. There were so many questions now that she was a vampire. Not that he would stop loving her. Not that he would judge her for not having a soul. But everything she had known and expected out of life was now different. How was he supposed to fit in.
His silent tears fell one by one into the pillow underneath him. They fell for what they had lost and for what she was going through. For what she would have to face in the future and what she would never get to experience again.
Finally though the exhaustion he was fighting overtook him and he too fell into an uneasy slumber.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I know I know it's been ages since I've posted. Problem is I work for the largest retailer in america yeah you know the one and the holiday season is too crazy to concentrate on my writing. Hopefully with the new year I'll be able to buckle down and put out quite a few chapters. Thanks to everyone who is keeping up with this fic even with the sparse updates. And extra special thanks to those of you who review.