Chapter 9
The small apartment was spotless, down to even the DVDs and video games being dusted. Spike had been sent with a detailed list to the grocery store. His time there was spent on his cell phone with Buffy to make he got exactly what she wanted. There was potato salad chilling in the refrigerator, beans baking in the oven and chicken marinating in barbecue sauce. The menu was his suggestion because it could be prepared ahead of time. No chance of last minute catastrophes.
Now they were waiting. Buffy was on the other side of the couch from him while he watched a rerun of Knight Rider. She kept counting on her fingers and glancing at the clock. He hoped Willow was on time because he was beginning to seriously think Buffy would spontaneously combust if their guest didn’t get there soon.
“Do you think there’s enough food?” Buffy asked, staring into the kitchen.
“Everything is fine.”
“Maybe…”
“Buffy,” Spike said, putting his hand on her arm. “It’s okay.”
She sighed as she pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. Her eyes turned to the television but he knew she wasn’t really watching. She was wherever she went when she zoned out. It would only take a call of her name or a touch to bring her back but he wondered what it was like wherever she was. Was it better than the world she found herself in? It had to be. Someplace she created where she wasn’t hurt, lies weren’t told to keep her in the dark, and she wasn’t frightened of everything. He wanted to take care of her, make everything better but he knew he couldn’t.
A brief conversation with Cordelia that afternoon had made him the recipient of a stern lecture. Buffy had to do it on her own. He had to push her to her limits. And he couldn’t let himself be the center of her life. He couldn’t be the hero. Otherwise it would only create a dependency that would eventually destroy both of them and whatever relationship they had. Logically it all made sense but his heart wanted to wrap Buffy up and never let her go. She made him believe in the strength of the human spirit again and he never wanted her to lose that determination to overcome what she had been through.
So, he stayed where he was. Staring at the same screen she did with the same amount of attention given. Neither of them moved until there was a knock on the door. They both jumped up and he heard Buffy take a deep breath. She nodded to let him know she was ready. He opened the door with her standing slightly behind him. The woman he was expecting to see wasn’t there. Instead a tall brunette man was filling the doorway. Spike’s arm automatically went up to push Buffy behind him even before he heard her small gasp. He felt her hand wrap around his belt as she moved out of sight.
Spike was about to ask who it was when he saw an elfish face topped with bright red hair peek around from behind the man at his door. She seemed almost as cautious as Buffy.
“Hi there,” the brunette said. “I’m sorry for surprising you.” He put his hand out to Spike. “I’m Xander, Willow’s husband. I hope it’s not too much that I’ve come along. Will got your address but not the phone number and,” he shrugged. “Buffy hasn’t been signed on all day to ask but I wasn’t going to let Willow come alone.”
“I understand,” Spike said, shaking the man’s hand. “I would have done the same thing. Come on in.”
“Hi, I’m Willow,” the red head said, following Xander into the apartment. She fixed Buffy with a smile. “You must be Buffy.”
“Hi,” Buffy said, but didn’t offer her hand. She kept glancing up at Xander with a nervous expression.
“Hey, mate,” Spike said to Xander. “I’m in charge of the grill tonight. Hope you all like chicken.”
“Who doesn’t?” Xander asked with a laugh.
“Good then. Why don’t you and I head out to the patio and leave the women to talk?”
Spike knew he had done the right thing when Buffy flashed him a relieved look. Hopefully without them around Buffy would find the friendship the two women had over the internet. Hurrying, he grabbed drinks for the two of them and the pan with the chicken in it before leading Xander out to the patio. Spike glanced back to see that Buffy had started to move and was in the kitchen getting drinks for Willow and herself. He breathed a sigh of relief.
“It’s okay,” Xander said, making himself comfortable in one of the chairs. “Don’t worry about it. Willow’s been where Buffy is so she understands the nervousness.”
Not wanting to appear too nosy, Spike busied himself with getting the chicken onto the grill. Once it was arranged he took a seat next to the other man.
“Buffy said that she met Willow through a support group,” Spike said, lighting a cigarette.
“Yeah, there’s a chat room where it seems there’s always someone to talk to,” Xander said, staring into the apartment at the women. “Willow still has trouble sleeping sometimes and Buffy was always on in the middle of the night.”
“I didn’t know she couldn’t sleep,” Spike said, thoughtfully. “No one’s mentioned that to me.”
Xander gave him a funny look then gave a nervous laugh. “That’s right; you haven’t been in Buffy’s life long. She wasn’t up in the middle of the night because she couldn’t sleep. She was up then because she didn’t have to worry about anyone knowing.”
“Did her damn parent’s do anything to help her?” Spike burst out angrily. The more he heard the more he wanted to let the Summers’ know how he really felt.
“Don’t put all the blame on them.”
“Why the bloody hell not?”
The other man shrugged as he played with the tab on his soda can. “Look, I only know what Will’s told me. Buffy…,” he sighed. “Buffy knew what she needed otherwise she wouldn’t have been in the chat room to begin with. It seems like she didn’t really fight with her parent’s for it. They’re trying to deny what happened because they can’t deal and Buffy is letting them. You know, trying to protect them.”
“Buffy’s a child…god damn it,” Spike said, realizing what he said. He glanced at Xander and knew it hadn’t gone unnoticed. There was a wisdom in those brown eyes of someone who had been through it all. “No, she’s not, is she?”
“You would know.”
No secrets. Buffy would have wanted to talk to someone. Confide in someone and she probably wasn’t comfortable talking to Cordelia. So, it would have been Willow. Spike shook his head.
“I care about her.”
“I know,” Xander said. “And I’m not judging. Our place is a hard one to be in. You love them. You’re pissed off because someone hurt them, you want to punish the person who did it and protect her. All the while knowing you’ve already failed. Sometimes you hold onto too much and sometimes you’re not there enough.” He gave that nervous laugh again. “All you can do is your best because no matter what you do you can’t make it all right again.”
“How long has it been since Willow…?”
“Almost six years,” Xander said, shifting his gaze to Spike. “We grew up together. There isn’t a time in my life that I don’t remember her being there. She was the brain and I was the goof but it worked between us. Always just friends though because she was going to leave to go to college. Harvard was her dream and she got it. No problems, that’s how smart she is. Me, I started working in a garage putting cars back together. At first I heard from her all the time, emails, phone calls, letters, then nothing. She came home for Thanksgiving and I knew something was wrong.”
“Date rape?” Spike asked softly because he already knew. Statistics were horrible for the exact scenario that Xander was weaving.
“Yeah, kind of,” Xander said, leaning forward. “She was going to join a sorority. There was a big party. Willow was never one for drinking. Two frat boys took her upstairs and…” He stopped. His hand went to cover his eyes in an attempt to hide the tears that were welling up.
“You don’t have to say anything else.”
“She hadn’t told anyone, hadn’t reported it and by the time she came home she was a ghost of the girl I knew.”
“At least she had you,” Spike said. He stood to check on the chicken giving the other man a chance to pull it back together. It seemed the club that he was in was even bigger than he thought. He glanced in at the two women curled up on the couch talking. Buffy wasn’t alone anymore. It made him feel better knowing there were other people to help her. And suddenly he felt better knowing there was someone who understood him, too.
~~~~~~~~
“He’s really good looking,” Willow said, leaning over to take another look at Spike. “Is he good to you?”
“We’re not a couple,” Buffy said.
“You’ve said that but you two act like one.”
“It’s only temporary. I’m here for a week to try and find the other girl then I leave.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Willow said, with a grin. “I won’t argue anymore and will willingly change the subject. Now about this search we’re doing, have you jotted down what you think she looks like?”
Buffy nodded. “There’s not a lot of details but, yeah, I have.”
“Anything is good. We’ll start with National Center for missing kids website. Their search engine let’s you put in details like hair color and stuff.”
“You already looked into this, didn’t you?” Buffy asked, feeling guilty because she’d been avoiding it. It was a way of getting back at Spike for forcing her into this dinner. Now, sitting here with Willow she realized that she’d been wrong, not only about this dinner but to play those games with Spike. Going into denial stubborn mode had been a way to get back at her mother when Joyce tried to make her do something. Immature maybe but she justified it with the fact she didn’t have a lot to fight back with.
“Isn’t that what you wanted me to do?” Willow asked, cocking her head. “I mean…”
“No, no,” Buffy stopped her. “I…I know that it’s something we…Spike and me, could have figured out on our own. But I really appreciate you offering to help.”
“I want to. I know how much you went through to get here and I want you to find out for sure. Besides any reason for us to finally meet, right?” Willow said. “So, it’s all of the good.”
Buffy agreed.
~~~~~~~
Settling back down into his chair, Spike glanced over at Xander who gave him a sheepish smile.
“Thanks for not freaking out about the mini breakdown,” Xander joked.
“Ah, it’s okay,” Spike said, with a brief chuckle. It wasn’t like he hadn’t shed some tears over Buffy’s ordeal. “If you can’t cry over them then who can you cry over?”
“True, very true,” Xander agreed with a nod. He hesitated before speaking again. “So, you want to hear the rest of this?”
“Yeah.”
Spike wasn’t just being polite. Willow’s story and Xander’s part in it was like a lifeline being offered to him. He hoped that in the tale were some other things that would make him feel like he wasn’t mucking everything up.
“After Willow told me everything, she told her parents. There wasn’t a lot of support there,” Xander glanced up at Spike. “I think it’s one of the reasons the two of them bonded so well, parental denial. I stepped in, quit my job and went back to school with her. I slept on the floor of her dorm room just so I could walk her back and forth to class.”
“How long did that go on?” Spike asked, lighting another cigarette. He was surprised when Xander held his hand out for one but he didn’t say anything. It had to be ripping the guy’s heart out to be sharing all this so he gave him one.
“Not long,” Xander said, lighting his cigarette. He coughed as he inhaled then waved his hand. “I used to smoke, believe it or not.” He contemplated the cigarette for a moment. “Probably should have left it alone.”
“And I should quit but,” Spike said, shrugging.
“But what the hell, we only live once,” Xander agreed with a laugh. “Well, Willow finally reported it to school authorities but there wasn’t much they could do. It was a case of she said, he said, with no physical evidence or witnesses but it was noted in the records. It was like everybody knew though, they were all talking and finally she broke down. All she wanted was to come home where she felt safe so we packed up and came home.”
“When did the two of you get together?” Spike asked turning the flame down. He needed to hear the rest of this and knew it wasn’t a conversation that would ever be repeated.
“The administration helped Willow get into UCLA right away by smoothing over any red tape for the immediacy of the request. She started that January and I was able to get my job back. I explained it to my boss and he understood. By May I had found us an apartment near campus and we moved in. I was still giving her rides and watching out for her at night. We settled into routines, still friends, she with school, me with work, and she finally started going to a group at the school. One night we got back…and she told me she didn’t want to be afraid anymore…that she wanted to know what it could be like.”
“Did it…was it…?” Spike started to ask but stopped. He knew the statistics. His head knew that Buffy’s rejection wasn’t really him. Had heard the stories but it was like Buffy had said. They were words on paper.
“Good? Oh, god, we didn’t get all our clothes off before Willow started crying her eyes out and I just held her for the longest time. It was then I knew I had always been in love with her. The next day I asked her if we could date. We did and finally after three months of kissing and trying it happened. We found the passion; got married six months after that and now I wait.”
“Wait? Sounds like the two of you got it together,” Spike said, relief flooding him. A twinge of hope was starting to flourish in his heart but before he could analyze it, he had something else to think about it.
‘Yeah, I wait,” Xander said. “I wait for her to realize that she’s only with me because I’m safe and that there’s a whole world out there that she hasn’t tried yet. That one day she’ll tell me she’s sorry but she wants to see what she’s been missing out on.” They were both silent for a few moments then he turned to Spike. “Buffy is only here long enough to find this girl?”
“A week,” Spike said, glancing up at Xander. “I took a week off to help her.”
“What happens if you haven’t finished yet? Or if Buffy doesn’t want to go?”
“Then I guess I end up waiting too,” Spike said, with a laugh. “Chicken’s done. Let’s eat.”
~~~~~~~
It was close to midnight and Buffy could see the frustration was wearing on everyone. Xander was snoring on the couch while Spike and she flanked Willow at the computer. The National Center database had offered nothing that in any way triggered Buffy’s memory of the other girl. They had gone through several other sources with still nothing to offer.
After Buffy had once again gone through what she did remember, Xander had suggested that maybe the girl was a runaway. Maybe a throwaway kid that no one even wanted, much less wanted back enough to report her missing. It was pretty evident that Xander knew how that would feel. After that Buffy felt more comfortable around him. Besides Willow adored him so he had to be a good man. Like Spike was.
Now they were going through police mug shots hoping to find something. Hoping she had been picked up for something. It was almost futile but her friends kept trying. Maybe it was time to call a halt. Let everyone catch some sleep.
“There’s still a lot to go through,” Buffy said. “Why don’t we call a halt and I’ll continue in the morning?”
“Its fine, Buffy,” Willow said. “I want to keep going. Tomorrow’s Saturday so we don’t need to be up in the morning.”
“How about coffee?” Spike suggested, standing up and stretching.
“Sounds good,” Buffy said, smiling up at him. Something caught her eye and she looked back at the monitor just as Willow clicked for the next page. “Go back, Will.”
“Did you see something?” Spike asked, leaning down between the two women.
“Yeah, I think so,” Buffy said, fidgeting as she waited for the computer to load the page. She blinked a couple of times as she stared at the small photo. With her hand trembling she pointed to a picture in the middle of the screen. “Enlarge it.”
The record moved to its own page. The mug shot taking up a quarter of the page with the information around it. Her name was Faith Monroe. Her arrest record covered being picked up for loitering, prostitution and petty theft. In disbelief that she had found the missing girl, Buffy continued to read. Her date of birth showed her to be five years older than Buffy and the last arrest had been three months prior to the kidnapping. She had an outstanding warrant issued for missing her last court appearance…a week after Buffy disappeared.
“Oh, my god, it’s her,” Buffy whispered. “It’s really her.”
“Are you sure?” Spike asked, putting his hand on her shoulder. “You have to be certain.”
“Yes, it’s her…those eyes, oh god,” Buffy cried, turning to Spike. Flashes were going through her mind of what she had remembered but now there was more. The screams were more focused and the blood, she could almost feel it’s warm stickiness on her hands.
“It’s okay, pet, its okay,” Spike said, wrapping his arms around her tight.
“You did it,” Willow said, standing and holding her arms out.
Buffy didn’t think, only reacted, reaching out to the other woman for a hug. They were both laughing and crying, sharing the victory together. Buffy felt vindicated. The other girl that no one believed existed had a face and a name. It was almost like a part of her coming back to reality. She wasn’t crazy. She hadn’t split to save herself. There really was someone else.
But it wasn’t over with.
“Now what?” Buffy asked, letting go of her friend and turning to Spike.
“Now, we email this to Roberts,” Spike said. “Start a new file and start trying to figure out what happened to her.”
“Okay,” Buffy nodded.
Xander stirred on the couch and looked up at them. “Did I miss something?”
“Yeah, but its okay,” Willow said, pulling his hand to get him to stand up. “I’ll explain on the way home. It’s time for us to leave now that this part of the mission is accomplished. Thank you for everything.”
“Thank you,” Buffy said, giving her a hug.
“I want to see you again before you leave,” Willow said. “Okay?”
Buffy nodded. They hugged again and she even shook Xander’s hand. It had been a good night and she felt better than she had in forever. Once the door was closed behind them, she turned to launch herself into Spike’s arms again.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you for believing in me,” Buffy said, kissing his cheek. “You’ll never know what this means to me.”
“No need to thank me,” Spike said, hugging her tight. “You’re easy to believe in.”
Was she? Or was he being only kind? For a moment Buffy buried her nose in his neck, inhaling the scent that was only him.
…but you two act like one.
And she wondered if he would wait for her…to get it together…to grow up, but it wasn’t fair to him. None of this was and she lowered herself to the ground again. She refused to look him in the eye and excused herself to take a shower. It was an excuse but it would give the rioting butterflies in her stomach time to calm down.
Maybe tomorrow things would be easier…
to be continued…
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