Chapter 24
It was the perfect California day. The sun was high in the bright blue of the sky. A few fluffy clouds floated by on the breeze that made the heat a little more bearable. Even wearing his dress uniform, Spike wasn’t too uncomfortable. He cleared his throat, looking at the small group gathered together on the hill at a small cemetery in west LA.
It was two weeks to the day after they had found Faith that they were laying her to rest.
Following a more through investigation, it was found to be as they suspected. Faith had been a throwaway kid. Her mother was an alcoholic living in Boston that hadn’t seemed too concerned about what happened to her daughter. In an act that had touched Spike more than he was willing to admit, Buffy’s parents had arranged the funeral.
Joyce was finally finding the joy that her daughter was alive and home, instead of living in fear of losing her again. It was still a tentative peace between the two women but Buffy was now talking to her mother every day on the phone. Sometimes the conversations were filled with typical mother / daughter subjects, or short, routine information exchanges. And some days it was an emotional ordeal. They kept trying though and it was all that either of them could ask for.
Everyone in the family was there to say good-bye to the young woman that hadn’t had much of a life. In death she had gained more love than she was ever given while alive. Cordelia and Angel arranged for the large blanket of roses that covered the pinewood casket. Willow and Xander were the ones keeping everyone else together. They made the phone calls to make sure everything was taken care of, from the limousine to the private dinner for them after the service. Kate and Captain Roberts along with the entire detective squad donated the money to pay for the tombstone.
Now, they all stood by Faith’s final resting place and listened to the minister speak of their grief. Buffy’s hand slipped into his. She had finally broken from her usual attire and stood beside him in a simple black suit. He was more proud of her than he had been of anyone in his life. She had beaten the odds and proved everyone wrong. The news media was telling her story from coast to coast. Dozens of invitations had requested for her to do everything from television interviews to magazine interviews. So far, she had avoided them all. It was too private of a journey for her to share with the world.
The constant pressure was one of the catalysts for decisions regarding her life. It was one that hadn’t come without tears, but in the end they knew it was for the best.
Tomorrow she was leaving for Seattle with her mother to make the final preparations for her to begin college during the summer session.
“Amen,” the minister said, concluding the ceremony.
Flowers were laid upon the casket as one by one they turned to head for their cars. Spike waited with Buffy until everyone else had gone. He watched as she laid a rose down.
“I know that wherever you are,” Buffy whispered through her tears. “It’s a happier place for you. I’m sorry for what it’s worth. And I’m going to make sure he never gets out of prison. I promise.”
She took his hand as she turned away. Together they began the walk back to where the limousine was parked.
“You okay, Luv?”
“Yeah, I’m doing okay,” Buffy smiled wanly up at him. “I wish we didn’t have this dinner to go to. It’s selfish I know but I’d rather spend my last night in LA alone with you.”
“Me, too,” Spike responded, leaning down to kiss her cheek.
~~~~~~~~
The dinner after the service was also a surprise going away party for Buffy. Everyone wanted the chance to say good-bye to her and give her presents for her new life. A new Italian restaurant with no memories had been chosen. Buffy didn’t want to compete with anything in Spike’s past for this occasion. A small room had been closed off just for them so they could have the privacy they needed.
“I’d like to offer a toast to Buffy,” Angel said, standing. “I’ve only known you for a few weeks but already you’re like a little sister to me. And you’ve got the family genes with the bullheadedness, the need to make things right and of course the incredible good looks.” Everyone laughed and he waited for it to die down. “Seriously Buffy, I hope you know that we are always here for you. Anything you need call us.”
“Here, here,” everyone chanted, clinking glasses together.
Of course there were presents for her. Mostly clothes, things for her dorm room, and some practical things. Like the gift of a cell phone from Spike.
“I put myself on speed dial,” he told her as he was showing her how to work it. “Of course I’m in there under Spike, William and Nagle.”
“Thanks, I might forget who you were otherwise,” Buffy teased. “So, am I on your speed dial, too?”
“Yep, under Buffy, pet, Luv, and pain in the ass,” he teased back, loving the way her eyes caressed him. She giggled, leaning over for a kiss. It gave all the promise of what their last night would be like. He couldn’t wait to get her alone.
“Okay, you two,” Cordelia interrupted. “Enough time for that later.” A grunt interrupted her and she turned to find Hank Summers looking decidedly unhappy. “Oops, sorry about that remark, I’m sure they will spend the whole night just talking.”
There was another round of laughter, but it was almost hollow. The Summers still weren’t happy with Spike’s role in their little girl’s life, but they were living with it. Mostly looking forward to when she left him. They were only too happy about the separation between them. It was a brittle subject that Buffy and Spike still hadn’t fully resolved. The argument preceding the decision was one of the most wrenching of his life. Now, they were pretending they were okay with it.
~~~~~~~
Telling everyone good-bye was heart breaking. There were promises of phone calls, visits and plans already made for holidays. Buffy knew that life took different turns which ultimately led to people drifting apart, especially when there was so much distance between them. She’d been holding back her emotions, trying to show everyone that she was okay with leaving. That she still wanted what she had set out to do when she left Sunnydale. A part of her did, but yet the thought of leaving Spike broke her heart.
Buffy stepped through the open door of the apartment as Spike followed her in. The knowledge that this was her last night with him ripped through her with the force of a tornado. She broke down into sobs that wracked her body. Arms instantly engulfed her. They didn’t comfort this time. Instead they infuriated her. She pushed him away from her.
“Don’t,” Buffy shouted. “You don’t have the right to touch me anymore.”
She realized with those few words she broke his heart. Spike turned to head for the bedroom with her on his heels. He tried to shut the door on her but she was too close and he would never hurt her. Always the strong one, the protector, and the provider it was overwhelming to see him break. Running out of room, he slid down the wall, sitting with his face buried in his knees. He was crying like the world had ended.
“I’m sorry,” Buffy said, sitting next to him. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I love you,” Spike said, without looking up. “Do you really think that I want you to leave? The thought is tearing me apart.”
“So, why am I?” Buffy asked, leaning against him. She buried her face against his back. Her arms cradled him and he shifted so that they fit together a little better. “I’ll stay if you want me to.”
“Don’t, please,” Spike pleaded, looking up at her. “We’ve gone over this. We decided that it was best for you to go.”
“I’m so scared of losing you, of being on my own. What if I can’t do it?”
“That’s why you have to go,” Spike answered, smiling gently at her. “So, that you know that you can. It will eat at you because you never took that chance. You’re only eighteen. Do you really want to be tied down? You’ve been cooped up for years. This is your chance to find out what life is, who you are, and what you can accomplish.”
She hated herself for it, but a part of her did want it. The thought excited her. She wanted to test her wings, to see what the world offered. It was the thought of losing Spike that terrified her. He was a part of her now. How would she get through the day without him there? How could she sleep at night without him holding her?
Her silence must have given him the answer that she couldn’t form into words. He cupped her cheek, kissing the side of her mouth softly.
“I want you to go, Luv. For me.” He dropped his hand from her face and leaned his head against the wall. “As much as I love you, there are some things that I need to figure out, too.” He sighed then met her gaze. “I’m going to start seeing a therapist myself. Get my life straightened out. Quit smoking, and living on take out food. Figure out who the hell I really am.”
There was so much of his past, Spike hadn’t reconciled with. It left him unsure of his own self worth. If nothing else, Buffy could understand that. The word Cordelia had used for their relationship was co-dependency. In their need for love they had turned to each other, blinding themselves to the differences that would make a lasting relationship difficult. She ran her fingers through his hair.
“I’m coming back to you,” Buffy vowed. “Someday when you least expect it, I’m going to show up on your door.”
“And I’ll take you in,” Spike responded, running his fingers along her jaw. “I’ll always be here for you.”
They were promises they could keep. Buffy wasn’t letting him go without a fight. She would do what she needed to do. Figure out a little of life and being on her own. Let him find himself in the ruins that previous people had left him in then she would come back. For now though, they still had all night.
“Make love to me,” Buffy whispered.
For a moment she was afraid that he would use her words against her, but he didn’t. He led her to the bed, laying her down, before covering her with his body.
~~~~~~~~
Buffy was beautiful, not only on the outside but on the inside. One day she would be a remarkable woman and he prayed that he would be there to see it. Letting her go was the hardest thing he would ever do even though he knew it was the right thing. He wanted to be the best man possible for her. She needed someone who was whole, someone who wasn’t afraid to love her, and share her life.
It would only be a matter of time before he would be ready to win her back. He would give her the space to discover herself before he did though. Hopefully, by then he would be ready to buy a house to give them both a little security. Maybe ready to be a father if that was what she wanted. Somehow, they would find a way to make their new dreams mesh into one.
Until then he still had this night with her.
He lay on his side next to her. His hand was slowly undoing the buttons on her jacket while he explored the warm, velvet softness of her mouth. She wasn’t idle though. Her hands were busy undoing the buttons on his shirt. Fluttery caresses wafted down his chest sending chills through his system. He wanted to be inside of her, but knew that taking their time would only make it better.
Being with her like this was the best feeling he’d ever had. She was softness, yet strong in the way she met him halfway. His hand slipped inside the jacket to cover her breast still in its lacy cup. She arched up when he tugged on the pebbled tip, silently begging him for more. Pushing her jacket and bra aside, he bent his head to suck on it. He laved his tongue over the areola while his thumb stroked the underside.
“I love you,” Buffy breathed, clutching his hair and pressing him closer to her.
He kissed the valley between the soft mounds before raining kisses along the sweetness of her skin up to her throat. Nibbling along the curve of her shoulder, his hand dragged her skirt up to her hips. She pushed her bottom off the bed so that he could bunch it around her middle.
“Now,” Spike whispered raggedly. Despite knowing how good it would feel slow, he desperately needed to be joined with her. “Don’t want to wait anymore.”
“I don’t either,” Buffy said, reaching for the zipper on his pants.
In a flurry they moved the necessary clothing out of the way. He ripped her pantyhose into an unusable rag that was tossed off the side of the bed. She pushed his pants down his hips, pulling him on top of her. He stopped only briefly to sheath himself in a condom. Then there was no more hesitation as he plunged into her depths.
“Oh, god, you feel so good,” Spike told her, staring down into her eyes. “I love you so much.”
Buffy wrapped her legs around him, arching up into him, letting him know how impatient she was. Never before had they been this wild. Forgetting everything but the body they were connected to, they thrust toward each other and the fulfillment they needed. They kissed with the same abandon. Tongues battling wildly as their hands plundered each other’s body.
It didn’t take long before they found it. Spike couldn’t hold out. His body needed this one to come quickly. No matter what his heart told him. There would be time enough for the slow love making in the long night ahead. He reached between them, stroking her in that certain way that made her pant in his ear before a long moan signaled her orgasm. It was then that he let himself go into her waiting body.
He held her for a long time before they moved again. This time they undressed each other between declarations of love. Tears fell from them both as they found their fulfillment several times before Buffy fell asleep on top of him. Spike couldn’t find rest. He held her until the alarm went off in the morning and it was time for him to go to work.
~~~~~~~~
Buffy was gone by the time he came home that night. The apartment was silent in its vast emptiness. There were no candles burning, no dinner cooking, no one typing on the computer. He was alone again. He decided maybe he should get a cat to battle the loneliness.
There was a note on the counter from Buffy.
I went to the grocery store and bought you food to help keep your promise of no more take out. Hope you don’t mind, I stole your pillow and a couple of shirts. Of course, you can always come and get them. I wouldn’t mind.
All my love,
Buffy
Giving a deep sigh, he put his package down on the counter and headed for the patio. After sitting down, he lit what he hoped would be his last cigarette. He savored every moment of it. Slow inhales and exhales so he could feel every burn as it made its way in and out of his lungs. He blew smoke rings for the hell of it. And he smoked it all the way down to the filter before tossing it into the ashtray.
It was one of the steps in his new life plan for becoming a better man. He made his way back into the apartment and to the bag he left there. After reading the directions he slapped a patch onto his arm, praying that it would work.
Trying to decide what to do next, he noticed there were messages on his machine. He hit the play button.
“Hey, it’s Xander. I was thinking that maybe we could go shoot some pool or something. Give me a call.”
“Hi, Uncle Will, It’s Connor. I have a game this Saturday. Will you come see me play?”
He smiled to himself. He wasn’t really alone. There were people in his life that cared about him. He had family. More than he ever really had as a kid. It was a good feeling that left him whistling as he searched the refrigerator for something for dinner. There was a steak marinating on the top shelf. Buffy’s doing. He pulled it out and heated up the small countertop electric grill he had. One steak wasn’t worth firing up the gas grill on the patio. While waiting for the grill to get hot, he found a potato in the vegetable drawer and popped it into the microwave.
Buffy may not be the best cook but she did know what he liked. It was almost like having her there. The phone rang just as he was tossing the steak onto the grill.
“Hello,” Spike absently answered as he searched for tongs in one of the drawers.
“Hi there, you busy?” Buffy’s voice came through the wire.
“Nah, just cooking my dinner,” Spike replied, trying not to let the surprise of hearing her voice show through. They hadn’t set any ground rules on phone calls or anything. He assumed that he wouldn’t hear from her. Maybe there was a problem. “Is everything okay?’
“Yep, fine. I’m waiting for mom to get out of the shower so we can go to dinner,” Buffy said, like it wasn’t any big deal to be talking to him. “She knows I’m calling you by the way.”
“I wasn’t going to ask.” But he had wondered. He was wondering about a lot of things at the moment. “Did you go by the college today?”
“Not really. We drove by it then through it, but we’re going to wait until tomorrow to go exploring.”
“That’s good,” Spike replied, turning his steak over. He started to relax a little. “Kate’s going to get promoted to Detective for her work on the case.”
“Oh, that’s great,” Buffy exclaimed. “I’ll have to call her tomorrow to tell her congratulations.”
“Yeah, she was bouncing all over the place today,” Spike said, laughing at the memory of the blonde’s excitement upon hearing the news. “Did you hear that the first hearing on Peterson is next week?”
“No, I didn’t, but that’s good news. The District Attorney’s office still has my address as yours, but as soon as I get my new address, I’ll notify them.”
“I guess I’ll be seeing you at the trial at least,” Spike said, wondering if he could wait that long to see her.
“I hope so,” Buffy laughed. “I have plans with Willow for the Labor Day weekend.” She paused and he could hear her take a deep breath. “And I was wondering if I could stay at your place when I’m in town.”
“What do you want? A long distance relationship?” Spike asked. He hated the sarcasm that lined his question.
“I thought we were friends…”
“We are,” Spike said. It was too much. He was confused by her question. Seeing each other would only confuse the matter. “I don’t know what the hell we are anymore.”
“I understand if you don’t want me there,” Buffy whispered. “I’m sorry. I just thought…”
“Yeah, you can stay here,” Spike answered quickly before she changed her mind. “I do want you here. God, pet, I want you anyway I can get you.”
“If I’m messing up your new life I’ll stay away.”
“What? There’s no way I can know you’re in town without seeing you.”
It would drive him over the top to know she was only a few miles from him, seeing their friends, being involved in their lives but not in his. There were so many things they hadn’t discussed before she left. Things they hadn’t even considered like this one.
“Thank you,” Buffy answered, with what sounded like a sob hiding behind it. “I’ll call you when I know more. I just wanted to let you know that I got here okay. I think I broke my mother’s hand a few times.” She laughed.
“It’s okay,” Spike said, knowing it was true. “Call me when you want to. And if it’s okay, I’ll call you.”
“Sounds good to me,” Buffy replied. “Just look for pain in the ass on the speed dial.”
They both laughed before they said their good-byes. Spike clicked the phone off, laying it on the counter before turning to finish fixing his dinner. They hadn’t said ‘I love you’ but it had been there in the soft caress of her voice. Twice now Buffy had changed his life and he figured she’d do it again one day or maybe it would be as soon as tomorrow. He didn’t know. He realized it didn’t really matter. Because they were going to make up their own rules as they went along. They would find out what worked for them until they could be together again.
For the first time in his life he knew he was on the right path and it felt damn good.
~~The End~~
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