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Chapter 8





The elation that Spike felt at the police station had worn off by the time they returned to the apartment. Three hours sitting in the Emergency Room had sapped the last of his reserves. He was exhausted. After making sure the front door was locked he headed for his bedroom. His shoes were kicked off across the living room floor, his shirt was pulled off and thrown in the direction of the desk chair and he was already undoing the button on his jeans when he crossed the threshold of his room.

“I’m going to take a nap,” Spike called, turning to shut the door and found Buffy right behind him holding his shoes and shirt. He closed his eyes as he rolled his head but she was still there when he was done. She didn’t say anything but her eyes were speaking volumes. Stories about need, loneliness and taking risks and he knew it was his call. He could invite her in or turn her away.

His better judgment deserted him.

“Come on in, kitten.”

Without waiting to see what she would do Spike made his way to his bed. He sat down to pull his jeans off and was ready to just leave them on the floor but Buffy was waiting. He handed them to her then slid under the covers. She tossed them in the dirty clothes basket along with his shirt. His shoes were put away in the closet then she added her own to the neat row. Not caring if he was a voyeur he watched as she pulled her pants off and tossed them in the basket.

“May I borrow one of your t-shirts?” Buffy asked, playing with the hem of the one she was wearing. Spike glanced up at the row of shirts in the closet. She still had plenty of clean ones and she wore them all too big. Not wanting to make a big deal about it he told her to help herself. She glanced up at him and then almost defiantly she pulled her shirt over her head without turning away from his gaze. Her bra was next and wearing only her panties she closed the closet door before making her way to the dresser.

Buffy picked a navy blue t-shirt. He almost wished she wouldn’t and took one last look at the soft mounds of her breasts before she covered them up. He rolled to his side when she slid in beside him.

“Does it still hurt?” Spike asked, running his fingers lightly around the edges of her bandage. They had put two stitches in her forehead where she had hit it on the bathroom counter.

“Not too much.”

“Good.”

He smiled at her then let his eyes close. It was tense having her in his bed. The deal had been for her to sleep on the couch but last night had changed everything. His body wanted the feel of hers next to him. His heart wanted to hold her. And his mind was pulling a dictatorship by keeping him where he was. His little voice was telling that maybe he could come out of this unscathed if he did. He prayed that sleep would come quickly but it seemed no one was listening to him anymore. Fingertips danced around his chin then followed his goatee to the mustache above his lips.

“You don’t like it, do you?” Spike asked, forcing his eyes open.

“Unh uh,” Buffy said, with a smile. She dipped her eyes down. “It scratches.”

“Oh, yeah,” Spike said, leaning over to rub the beard across her cheek. She giggled and he let it trail across her lips. Her hand closed around his neck, pulling him to where she wanted him. She kissed him softly.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy whispered, holding him near. “I never meant to hurt you by coming here.”

“It’s okay,” Spike whispered back. All of a sudden he didn’t want to fight it anymore. “I knew the risks when I brought you here.”

She let him go.

“I’m sorry about…”

She rolled on her back.

“About what, pet?”

Spike followed her so that he was leaning over her.

“For getting out of bed last night,” Buffy said.

“It hurt.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you but it seems it’s all I’ve done since I’ve been here.”

“Why did you leave?”

It was something he needed to know. Had it been him? Was she sorry that she had come to him? Was it her? Could he still reach her?

“I knew I disappointed you,” Buffy whispered. “I wanted to make you happy but I messed up. Everything was fine before…before we actually did it. It was you but then…no one’s been inside me except for him. I kept thinking about him and I…couldn’t be what you wanted me to be. Nothing went the way I thought it would. I was a failure and I didn’t think you wanted me to stay.”

“Oh, Luv,” Spike said, laying his head on her chest with his arm across her middle. “I don’t want you to be anything or anyone but you. Don’t be with me because you think it’s what I want.”

“I do want you.”

“Yeah, figured that,” Spike said with a grin. “It is kind of hard to resist me.”

She giggled again and slipped her hand down his back. It was good just to lie there and hold her. It was more comfortable, more honest than the sex they had only hours earlier. He wished they could stay like that and just drift to sleep but there was something else they hadn’t talked about.

“Buffy?”

Spike slipped away from her. He lay back on his side and was relieved when she followed suit. Their hands automatically entwined. They both wanted to be touching. Their emotional bonding was slipping into the inevitable physical bonds. He swore that the next time they made love, they would both be ready.

“You wanted to ask me something?” Buffy asked, squeezing his hand to bring him out of his thoughts.

“How are you dealing with the other? About the baby?”

Her eyes closed and then she blinked a few times.

“I understand why they did it,” Buffy said in a calm but almost expressionless voice. “And a part of me knows that I couldn’t have handled it but I hate that he was able to claim someone else. The baby was an innocent victim in this too. If I had to do it over and I was able to make a decision then I would probably have it. Give it up for adoption. Maybe something good would come out of it.”

“You’re something else,” Spike said. “It’s too bad you weren’t able to make a decision.”

“No one gave me a chance,” Buffy said. This time tears did slip down her face as her apparent decision to remain detached failed. She wiped them away with the heel of her hand. “You were the only one that treated me like I was still in there.”

“What do you mean?”

“I lost everything the day he took me.”

“You still have you…”

“Bullshit,” Buffy swore. It was the first time he had ever heard her curse. She pulled away from him and sat up. Scooting away she leaned against the headboard and crossed her arms. “I lost everything. No one treated me like I was even there. No one asked me anything.” She turned her head away from him. “You don’t want to hear this, do you?”

“Tell me.”

“I wanted you to stay with me,” Buffy said, running her fingers through his hair and gracing him with a tiny smile. “But I couldn’t get my mouth to say it. I was alone. They told me what they were going to do but they never asked. My hair was cut off with a pair of bandage scissors because it was so tangled. My fingernails were cut off into a little baggie for evidence.” She took a deep breath. “There wasn’t a part of my body that wasn’t scrapped or prodded for the rape kit. All I kept thinking while lying on that table was that I wanted to go home. Take a long bubble bath then sleep forever in my own bed with Mr. Gordo. He was a stuffed toy I got as a baby. But no one could see me anymore. I couldn’t find me. I couldn’t tell them what I was feeling because I was afraid I’d start screaming and never stop.”

“Come here, Buffy,” Spike said, opening his arms. “Let me hold you.”

She came to him curling into his side. He knew she wasn’t done yet but he didn’t want her to feel alone. Holding her tight, he waited until she was ready.

“I never went home,” Buffy whispered. “They sent me away. My parents couldn’t deal with my emotions. Nothing made sense. Sometimes I’d just cry and sometimes I was so angry that I took it out on whatever or whoever was handy. I refused to say anything. And most of the time I was just gone to this place where I was safe.” She sighed. “By the time that I found my way out I didn’t even have my home to go to. My parents had sold it and moved to Sunnydale. My new room still had my furniture but all the things I had hung on the walls…all the things that made it mine were still in boxes. There wasn’t anything left of me.”

“I still see you,” Spike whispered.

“I know you do.”

She uttered a small sigh, settled closer to him and he pulled the covers over them. It had been said. They had found the middle ground they needed and he was content as he let himself drift off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

Spike was alone…again.

Hoping that he was wrong, he slid his hand across the expanse of the bed but found only emptiness. He couldn’t stop the heavy sigh of discontent at the confirmation. It shouldn’t really bother him. Rarely did he even let the women in his life spend the night. He didn’t want to be emotionally entangled. So, why did Buffy do this to him? When had she gotten through his defenses? She was only a kid he tried to tell himself.

Yeah, a kid you slept with…he thought even though he didn’t believe the lie.

There were the soft sounds of someone padding into the bedroom and he opened his eyes just as the mattress gave way under her weight.

“Hey,” Buffy said, perched on the edge of the bed with her hands folded in her lap.

“Hi.”

She was dressed with her hair flowing loose around her shoulders. Unable to stop himself he ran his fingers through the soft tresses. It was like liquid gold. A treasure he couldn’t keep. It was still damp from the shower she must have taken and she would surely bind it up shortly.

“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep,” Buffy said.

“That’s okay,” Spike said, letting his hand drop.

He turned his head to the living room when he heard several meowing sounds. He furrowed his brow as he looked questioningly up at Buffy.

“I put AOL on your computer so I could IM Willow. We’ve been talking.”

“Well, I guess you better go answer her.”

“Are you mad?”

In a way he was. She was getting to him. He was letting her. She was making herself too comfortable in his sanctuary. And once again he was letting her. It was him he was mad at though. He shook his head.

“No. I’m going to go and take a shower. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Buffy nodded then headed out to the living room. With another sigh, Spike grabbed some clean clothes before heading to the bathroom. The shower was a quick one. He only speeded through the necessities. Considered a quick wank to make himself feel better but decided against it. It would only confirm his need for her. That was a step he wasn’t ready for. But only a few minutes later he contradicted himself. Standing in front of the mirror he gave in.

Spike ran his fingers over his goatee and mustache.

It scratches…

He reasoned he could always grow it back when she was gone. If he did shave it off, did that mean he wanted to kiss her and hold her again? He did. The hero complex was giving way to the man who only saw a beautiful woman when he looked at Buffy.

Before he could change his mind he swiped his razor across his chin. It was done and when he was through he gazed at the man he had tried to hide. His fingers ran through his hair and he wondered if he’d end up blonde again by the time she left. Maybe she wasn’t getting through his defenses. Maybe she was knocking them down.

Spike pulled his clothes on then headed out to the living room. She was still sitting at the desk and he came up behind her to run his smooth chin across her cheek. She jerked away as soon as his hand touched her back. A startled look crossed her face then wonder replaced it. She reached out to run her fingers across his face. They stared at each for a moment then he kissed her. Not long just enough for her to be able to compare the sensations.

“Better?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said smiling. “Thank you.”

It seemed she was thinking about kissing him some more too. He tried to deny the surge of happiness it gave him but couldn’t.

“You’re welcome,” Spike said before heading into the kitchen.

“I made some tuna salad. It’s in the fridge if you want a sandwich.”

“Thanks,” Spike said over his shoulder. He pulled out the container and grabbed some bread. A soda was opened before he started to put his lunch together.

“I told Willow about your theory,” Buffy said.

“Which one was that, Luv?”

“You know the one where you said it sounded like the other girl had come willingly,” Buffy explained. “Because she was complaining about being brought to a hell hole.”

“Yeah,” Spike said, opening a bag of chips to dump on his plate. “What did Willow say?”

“She figures that maybe she was a runaway or something and that’s why no one knew she was gone.”

“Sounds good,” Spike said, sitting at the table so he was facing Buffy. “We probably need to search through the runaway databases and stuff.”

“Willow’s a wiz on the computer and she’s offered to help.”

“Where does she live?” Spike asked nonchalantly while staring at his food.

There was a pause before Buffy answered him.

“Here in Los Angeles.”

“So, why don’t you invite her over? It would make it easier, wouldn’t it?”

“It’s okay. I gave her the description and she’s going to email me the pictures of the girls that match.”

Stonewalled just like he knew he would be. Buffy was retreating again. It wasn’t that he really blamed her after the last couple of days but he couldn’t let her. She had to keep moving forward or she would never survive on her own.

“I think it would be easier if the two of you went through it together,” Spike said calmly. “It’s no big deal. We’ll have dinner then the two of you can work on it.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to have anyone else around today,” Buffy said, the pitch of her voice getting higher.

Spike stood and so did Buffy. He advanced and she backed up. He grabbed her arm and she wrenched it free.

“Don’t touch me,” Buffy cried before running for the bedroom. “Just leave me alone.”

“No, I won’t,” Spike said, catching the door before she could slam it shut. There wasn’t anywhere else for her to run to and she sat on the bed burying her face in her hands. He knelt at her feet. “Buffy, look at me.” She wouldn’t and he put his hands on her knees. “Pet, I know there’s been a lot going on in the last couple of days. I’m a little freaked by everything, too. But it’s my duty as your Jedi instructor to prepare you for the coming battles.”

“That wasn’t funny,” Buffy said, through her hands. “And it only shows what a nerd you are.”

“Yeah, but I’m right,” Spike said, sitting back. “You came here for my help so you could have a life. That life is going to include being around people. Wouldn’t it be easier to start socializing with people you already know?”

Buffy dropped her hands. “I’m scared. There’s so much going on inside my head that I feel like I’m going to explode.” She sniffled. “All I’m doing is crying anymore…”

“But you’re feeling again.”

“Yeah,” Buffy said with a nod. “I’m feeling too much and it’s so hard to process everything. I feel rushed and like everything is coming at me…so fast that I can barely see it before something else comes along.”

“Do you have a therapist you’ve been seeing since you got out?”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to see him anymore. He agrees with my parents.”

“Do you want to ask Cordy to find you someone?”

“I’m only going to be here a few days before I leave.”

“Yeah, you are,” Spike agreed with regret. He tucked her hair behind her ear. “So, we need to get you ready. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you and I’ll be here to make sure you’re okay.”

“Determined, aren’t you?”

“Told you I’m like a bulldog,” Spike said, grinning. “So, are you ready for socializing 101?”

“I guess,” Buffy said. “But don’t blame me if I flunk.”

“Never,” Spike said, pulling on her hands. “You’ve got the best teacher in the world.”

“Oh, yeah, you’re a good one to talk,” Buffy said over her shoulder as she headed back into the living room. “Mr. I don’t let anyone inside my head or my bed for more than an hour.”

I let you…


to be continued…





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