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Part Three
Silent shadows….

Finding Buffy had been relatively easy; Spike just looked for the new murder capitol that replaced Sunnydale when it had been reduced to a dust bowl. Spike had seen her the first day he'd started looking for her. By shear accident, Buffy was crossing the street across from where he'd taken sanctuary in one of the few bars open in the daytime to escape the deadly sunrays. It had been so hard not to go rushing out into the street calling her name just so that she would turn around and he could glimpse for a second, just a look at her face. Spike doubted that Buffy would appreciate a flaming vampire running behind her calling out her name.

Spike couldn't help but stand up and get as close to the windows view of the street as the shadows would cover him before he became a crispy fried vamp. Buffy's face was strained and pale, it seemed to have lost all of its vibrancy and tanned colour and she looked lost in a world full of people just walking on by her. By her slightly hunched shoulders Spike knew that something was deeply troubling her, Buffy was never one to express what she was feeling on the inside in her body language. Even the smallest change in body language for her meant something was desperately wrong.

This made it even harder for Spike to walk back to where he'd been sitting; it was the wrong time and place. He had to find somewhere where she'd be alone and they'd be undisturbed by the gaggle of girls that made the merry troop of Slayers, somewhere where she'd be comfortable and relaxed where she'd be herself just like she'd been in the basement of her Sunnydale home. When she'd come down those stairs before the battle of the First, he'd seen her truly relax, let go and be herself for just a while.

Spike had never forgotten what Buffy had looked like when she'd slept trustingly in his arms. Her face had been smooth and relaxed with not the usual frown that she'd come to wear in frustration from the then potentials driving her to distraction. It was more than the slayers she led that concerned Buffy; something was troubling her deeply and it was engraved all over her face.

Spike spent the next two days looking down every dark and dingy alley that he could find in trying to track Buffy. Finally, in the last few hours of night he found what he was looking for. Slayers. A whole band of them was killing a nest of vamps that had taken up residence in one of the seedier sides of town. Spike stood on an old crate that sat just outside the building that the fight was in and peered inside. He watched, as vamps became dust as stakes pierced their hearts, scanning the room he couldn't spot Buffy amongst the slayers.

Sitting down on the crate, he lit up a cigarette and waited for the fight to finish so that he could follow the slayers back to their home turf. As soon as Spike heard laughter and victorious cheers fill the cold night air, he got up and stood as far into the shadows as he could. From the racquet that the slayers where making alone he could tell which direction they were headed in as they now left the building. Staying as far back as he could, Spike followed them back to a fortified warehouse, with girls standing guard at the main doors and on the corner streets.

"Bugger," Spike softly spoke to himself, he had no idea how he was going to get past this gang of slayers to get to Buffy. He remembered how hard he had to fight against the two slayers he had slain in his past, never mind having to fight a whole bunch of them. He had no doubt that they had a 'dust now and ask questions later of the dust' policy with vamps. So that ruled out going up to the slayers and politely asking if he could see their leader. Spike would just have to find a place he could watch her movements and wait it out for the right time and place.


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Part Four

Only him…

Silence had become Buffy's companion these days since she had dropped her pregnancy bombshell onto the other slayers. She refused to speak to any of them; even her own sister and old friends got the same treatment. Buffy found it easier not to complicate things even more than for herself by trying to explain things to them, or enlighten them to who was her child's father. That was something that she could be sure to be a hot topic of gossip not that she really cared what anyone thought about it. Buffy had to sort this one out for herself, as she was sure that the remaining Scoobies and Slayers would only interfere again in her life. Like they had previously on numerous occasions, so many that she had lost count and she was not going to tolerate it this time.

A soft rhythmic knock came from her apartment's front door interrupting the silent thoughts of Buffy sitting on her sofa. For a few seconds there was silence again, any hope that Buffy had that who ever was behind the door would just leave were dashed as another round of louder and stronger knocking continued. Buffy rubbed her forehead with the palm of her hand as she tried desperately to ignore the intruder that broke her peace and quiet.

"Go away!" Buffy yelled at the door.

"Buffy, it's me Will." A soft voice penetrated through the door. "Come on let me in. You can't hide from the world forever and only come out because the baby's coming."

"Will, please leave me alone," Buffy whispered to her friend, who had obviously been told about her dramatic confession. "I just want some space to work things out."

"Two days locked up in your apartment isn't going to achieve anything you know," Willow leaned against the door, as she knew this was going to be a difficult battle. She smiled at Dawn, who was standing a few feet further down the corridor with a grim look on her face. "Buffy, please unlock the door. I promise a non-judgy talk between two adults that includes an understanding and amenable friend."

"No, Will," Buffy stood up and walked to the door. "I'm not ready to face you or anyone yet. Not yet…"

"Buffy, at least let me see you and know that you're okay."

Opening the door just a fraction, Buffy peered out from behind the door and stared at her friend. Willow's smile dropped from her face when she saw what type of shape Buffy was in, the sad look that covered all her face, the dark shadows under her eyes or her red blood shot eyes. Buffy looked like she had been crying for days and needed a good nights sleep. Willow's gasp of surprise made Buffy become rigid and step away from sight as she pushed the door shut on her friend.

"Buffy, why?" Willow murmured in shock and frustration at her friend's predicament. "Why?"

Buffy went back to the sofa and sat down contemplating that very question. ---Why?--- Because she'd denied him when he was here with her, used him to suit her needs, abused the love and trust he'd given her, betrayed him so many times when it had suited her. In the end, it had all been about her and she had claimed everything that she had granted him back. She had left him with nothing and yet he still had always been there for her when she needed someone.

In the end, he'd been the only one that stood fast by her side when all had abandoned her during the darkest moments before the battle of the First. He had held her during the night, as if she was something so fragile and precious to him. Like she was his only possession he cared about in the world. Somehow then she had even denied him that, he may have held her but he never possessed her. Yet she had never had a chance to realize how wrong she'd been about him and about everything. So wrong…

Buffy realized that there was some truth in the cliché that you don't miss what you have until it's gone. Now that he was gone, all she had was a deep void inside that was gnawing at her very soul. At one point in time, she would have believed that the only lesson she had to learn about being the Slayer was having a successful hunt. Nevertheless, through losing him Buffy had learnt that this wasn't the only lesson that a Slayer had to learn about.

It was to know the difference between how good and evil defined itself, and at a great price, she had learned oh so well, what that difference was. Evil was cold, callous and totally emotionless. Good was just one thing, love. Love could make you feel needed, wanted, compassionate understanding and most of all how to totally forgive someone of almost anything.

Most importantly, that love transcends even the need to have a soul to feel love.

A lesson learnt to late.

For her.

For him.

She had always felt safe in the shadows when Spike was with her. Maybe that's where she had belonged.

In the shadows with him.


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