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Author's Chapter Notes:
This was a hard one to write..
Chapter Thirteen


"Five minutes? That's all you're giving me?" Spike asked, exasperated.

"And how many times have I asked you over the past week to tell me what's going on? You sat right in my room and said that we needed to talk and instead I got a goddamn sermon on how it was ‘wrong' that we – and that I – and then you walked out of my room after I gave you the option to
talk to me. So do NOT act as if you're getting the shaft here, Spike."

"I know, you're right," Spike nodded, hanging his head. "You did try and
I—"

"Ran away? Avoided? If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be just as
fed up."

He looked up and met her eyes. "You're absolutely right."

"Four minutes left."

"I didn't have sex with Harmony," he blurted out.

The angry expression on her face wavered, her cold eyes softening, but
moving towards hurt. He preferred anger rather than her pain.

"You didn't deny it though," she pointed out.

He ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, let me try this again. I was in the
process of oral—"

She shut her eyes and he stopped. "Do you want me to continue?" he
asked.

"Yes."

"She was, well, she was –"

"I get it. Did you –do the same to her?" her voice sounded so small.

He shook his head, "She didn't even get to uh, finish."

Her eyebrows knit. "I thought you couldn't just stop in the middle – I
mean, doesn't it hurt?"

"Would you have rather I finished?" he asked lazily.

She shook her head. "No. But that doesn't even matter—Why didn't she
finish?"

"Because of you."

"Me?" she squeaked.

"I was . . . Buffy I was thinking of you and I said your name while—"

"Oh my God!" she slapped her hand over her mouth. Then she dropped
the hand and pointed at him. "You were" And then she pointed at his groin
area, "—While she was--" Her hand flew back to her mouth. "Oh my God!"

He looked at her sheepishly and then at the ground. "I was thinking of
you, yes."

"I think I'm too stunned to actually feel anything about that. I know I
probably should. I mean . . . I should. Why did you – Why did you hook up
with her in the first place? Why were you thinking of me—does this have to
do with Drusilla? Does it have to do with what you started to tell me before
our kiss?"

"This is going to take longer than five minutes, Buffy."

"It's already probably been over five minutes anyway."

"Shall I start at the beginning?"

"The beginning being...?"

"The beginning being when you were fourteen and I was seventeen."

Her eyes widened.

"Do you want to go inside maybe?" he asked.

She shook her head and plunked right down on the grass. He smiled down
at her and slowly sat himself down across from her, their knees touching as
they both sat Indian-style.

"All right luv, we'll start from the beginning. You ready?"

"Yes," and she nodded again.

"Buffy, there's really no easy way to ease into telling you this . . . and I'm
sure it might not be something you want to hear. But it's the whole reason
why I had to leave and why Dru went crazy and—" he stopped, his eyes
filled with tears. "It's all my fault," he whispered.

She reached out and placed her hand on his arm in comforting gesture for
a moment. "Tell me, please Spike."

He met her eyes and nodded. "Buffy, the thing is – I love you. I am in love
with you pet. I have been since I was seventeen, hell probably even before
that . . ."

Buffy stayed immobile, her expression unreadable. That unnerved him,
but he continued. "I left home because I had to get away from you. You
were growing so much and so fast and so—God, Buffy, you have any idea
how gorgeous you are? Make my blood burn, you do. Turn my world
upside down and off its axis.

And you were fourteen. Still barely a teenager. Hell, you didn't even care
about boys at that time. And here I was, supposed to be your older brother
and I wanted you for myself. I was supposed to protect you from blokes
like me. I was even worse than that—I'm your brother—"

"STEPbrother," Buffy said quietly.

He stared at her hopefully. "Buffy, what does that mean?"

"Please finish," she said firmly.

He nodded abruptly, "Right. I fell in love with you Buffy when you were
still no more than the ten year old girl I met. It was ingrained into me how
we were going to be a family. How Dad was so happy because he had met
someone to spend his life with after being so heartbroken over my Mum,
and how he was going to be a father again – to you. He let me know how big
brothers treat their little sisters. It was nice. I was excited about it. I had
someone to look after and it made me feel . . . needed. I wanted a sibling
before and now I was going to have one. One that I could talk to and hang
out with and have a special bond with. And you . . . " He grinned, "You
loved me. You hung on my every word, you thought I was cool and I knew
it. I soaked it all up and thought that I had the best sister in the world."

He shook his head and paused for a minute to gather his thoughts. "Then
you started to grow up. One day it seemed . . . one day was all it took and
you‘d grown into this beautiful young woman and I found myself thinking
things that I shouldn't have been thinking. I found myself thinking things I
would have pummeled any guy for thinking about you. But God, Buffy, you
had me enraptured. You were everything I could have ever wanted in a
girl: Smart, funny, gorgeous, independent and feisty . . . I fell hard. How
could I not have? And you still thought I was the coolest guy. I felt as if I
were betraying you, betraying Mum and Dad and our family. I wasn't
wanting you as my sister anymore, I wanted you as my girlfriend, my
lover, my best friend, my . . . Everything.
So I did what every guy does who believes he's twisted and perverted – I
took off. Had to get away from you, Buffy. Thought if I put some distance
between us, I'd get over you."

She raised her eyebrows. "SOME distance? A whole different coast of
distance."

He nodded, "And it still wasn't enough. I never stopped loving you Buffy. I
tried so hard too. I chose a girl that wasn't the Golden Girl you are. I chose
someone a little dark, rough around the edges, ‘touched' I guess you could
say. That was Dru. I called her my Dark Princess. She saw something in me
and it drew her to me. I was drawn to her too. Mainly because she was so
different than you and I thought that was what I needed to put my love for
you behind me.
Dru knew after a while that something was up. She never said much in the
beginning, just hints here and there about how my mind was on ‘sunshine'.
We were just chatting one day about our families and she asked to see
pictures. I took them out and showed her the album Mum made me before
I left home. Course, I had added my own to the pile; mainly pictures of you.
Dru, she started shaking and moaning and muttering to herself. She
pointed to your picture and stared me down and said with perfect clarity ‘That is your sunshine. You're covered with her.'
I knew what she meant then and I clammed up. I couldn't tell her. But she knew. She would whisper to me that she'd help me, that she'd get me to forget. I put my all into our relationship. I took care of her on days she couldn't bring herself to get out of bed. I made sure she took her meds. I married her."

"To help her?"

Spike nodded, "Yes. I thought it was what she needed, what I needed. I thought if I married her, she'd see that I loved her, not you. But it was a lie, a sham. And she knew that too. She started having fits. She would go through spells where she'd yell at me and blame me for making her sick. She told me I was sick and perverted and I should be locked up. Towards the end when we . . . when I made love to her, she started taunting me, telling me she knew I was thinking of you." He broke off, not able to stop the tears that were falling. He was trying to gain control so he could finish telling her what had been kept inside for so long, but the memories of it were raw and it racked him with such guilt to remember.

He did not expect Buffy to crawl into his lap, but that was what she did. When he looked up at her in shock at her gesture, he saw tears in her own eyes. He sat there dumb, unsure of what to do and unable to make a move as she wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder.

"It's okay, Spike. Let me help," she whispered.

Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her and he sobbed into her shoulder, wetting her shirt. And still, she held onto him, rubbing his back and murmuring words of comfort and support.

When his sobs quieted down, she urged him to continue.

"She wasn't functioning in reality much anymore," Spike said, holding onto Buffy tightly. "She had these dolls she'd had since she was a child. She spent hours dressing them up and having ‘tea parties' with them. Her favorite doll, Miss Edith she called her, she would carry around and talk to. About me. About you. She started saying how Miss Edith knew I was unfaithful in my heart and in my thoughts. I begged her to stop, I told her over and over that she was wrong and I wanted," he stopped, taking a deep breath to keep the new onslaught of tears at bay, "I wanted it to be true. But the thing was . . . the sicker she got, the more I missed you.
I stayed away and kept you away from me because I couldn't bear it Buffy. I felt so guilty for what I'd done to her . . . It was my fault she got so sick. If I didn't love you, if I could have let you go, if I wasn't so twisted for loving you –"

"No, Spike. No," Buffy said softly, squeezing him. "You're not twisted. You're not perverted. You're not wrong. She was already sick Spike. She tormented you to bring you down with her. She enjoyed it probably. You took care of her and did all that you could and she wanted to make you just like her. Spike. . . " she pulled back just a little and cupped his face with her hands, her own eyes glittering with tears. "You're not wrong, Spike. Believe me. Listen to me. You're not wrong. You're not twisted. Please, believe me, please."

She pressed her lips against his and he let out a moan; a mixture of anguish and relief. Pulling her close, he kissed her desperately, finding his solace in her embrace, in her touch. Tears fell and blended as they sought peace from one another.





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