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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks everyone! :)
Chapter Fifteen

"You were right," Buffy told Doyle later that day as they sat in the quad having lunch during their hour break before their next class.

"About?"

"Spike having feelings for me."

"Buffy, a deaf, dumb and blind person could have figured that out," he said
rolling his eyes.

She gave him a look.

"Okay, you're right. It was my powers of intuition that deduced that," he
grinned cockily.

"Well, there's more to the story."

"Buffy are you telling me that you and Spike finally talked?"

She nodded slowly.

"Tell me!"

She bit her lip.

"What?" Doyle asked.

"I feel like I'd be betraying him by telling you and yet . . . I feel like I need
you on this. I'm torn."

Doyle nodded, "Buffy, if you feel you can't tell me because you feel you'd be
betraying Spike, then you don't have to tell me. I understand completely.
However, you do know that I'm your best friend and I love you to bits. I
would NEVER do ANYTHING to hurt you. I would never do anything to hurt Spike either because he's yours and you love him—"

"I never said I loved him—"

"Please," he waved her off. "It's coming."

"Yes, that's true," she agreed, nodding slowly. "Just not there yet. There's
so much to work through first," she sighed. "Not the least of which are the
rents beyond what damage Drusilla did to him."

"Ah, so the evil bitch did do something to him."

"Yes, and she sounds like a piece of work."

"Buffy, why don't you start at the beginning so I'm not getting bits and
pieces here that are impossible to piece together."

Buffy took a deep breath. "Okay, well, see, it all started when I was
fourteen and Spike was seventeen . . . "

When she was finished, Doyle let out a low whistle. "The poor guy."

"I know. Do you think it was. . . Do you think it was controlling of me to tell
him he should get help?"

"Not at all, why would you think that?"

"Because Drusilla spent so much time telling him he was wrong and trying
to control his life."

"Which," Doyle started knowingly, "She didn't succeed at. You were ever
prevalent in his mind and in his heart."

"And she knew it."

"Yes, but, it wasn't what drove her round the bend Buffy. It was all her.
She was already there, Spike was just her outlet. He was fighting his
demons and she knew it. She fed off it. She was losing control over her own
life and she wanted to take him with her so she'd feel she had control over
something."

"I'm sure it hurt her to know that he harbored feelings for me while he was
married to her."

"No doubt. I'm not saying that Spike's actions were the best, but his
reasons for doing them make sense."

Buffy nodded, "Yes, I know."

"So, no, I don't think telling him he should get help is wrong. When you
have to deal with someone who has a sickness like that, it does do stuff to
you. That's why they have support groups for those who have a friend or
family member who is an alcoholic or has bipolar disorder—there's a reason
why, Buffy. So telling him that is not wrong or controlling. It says to me
that you care a great deal about his well-being and realize that you can't do
it all on your own. Being with you I'm sure helps, but you're not his ‘cure.'"

Buffy smiled broadly and lunged at Doyle, wrapping her arms around him.
"I so love you Doyle. I knew I couldn't not tell you. I need you."

"You have me, you know that," he smiled at her. "Now get off me before
everyone thinks I'm straight. I've got a rep to protect."

Buffy giggled and sat back down. "Meanwhile," she continued as if there
had been no interruptions in their conversation, "the rents have left for the
weekend."

Doyle raised a brow. "Playtime for the kiddies?"

Buffy started to fidget. "I—I'm nervous Doyle."

"Why?"

"Because Spike has been having these feelings all this time and he's been
tortured by it, but it helps to know that I feel things back and what if he –
what if he wants to do stuff?"

"By stuff are we talking sex?"

"Yes. I told him already that we weren't ready for that."

"Absolutely right."

"But even virginal me knows there's other things to do . . . " There was a
slight whine to her voice.'

"Like what he didn't complete with Harmony?"

Buffy shot him a look, "Thanks for reminding me of that."

"Sorry. Look, Buffy, there is nothing wrong with showing affection for one
another. Of course he's going to want to because not only is he in love with
you, but he's a man. I hear that straight men just can't control themselves."

Buffy laughed.

"So," Doyle continued. "You go by what's comfortable for you."

"Which isn't much right now."

"Exactly."

*************************************************************

"Spike!" Buffy called as she entered the house. "Honey, I'm home!" she giggled and went for the kitchen to get something to drink.

"Hey darlin'."

She nearly jumped a mile as Spike's hands closed around her hips and spun
her around to face him from her position in front of the fridge.

He swooped in immediately and kissed her fervently. "I've been waiting all
day to do that," he breathed when he parted long enough to allow them air.

Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled shyly. "Hi."

He grinned, "Hi."

"How was your day?"

"Insignificant until now, although . . . "

"Although what?"

He met her eyes, "I made an appointment. With a psychologist."

Her eyes widened, "You did?"

He nodded.

She smiled brightly and hugged him tight. "I'm so happy."

"Never thought my seein' a shrink would fill you with such joy."

"It's just that what she did and what you convinced yourself of—"

He pecked her nose. "I know, kitten. It actually felt good to make that
appointment. Like I was making a first step onto something."

"You did."

"Now, I want to lavish my girl with attention. Spent so bloody long wanting
you with me Buffy. I don't want to waste a second."

She kissed his cheek.

He pulled his head back, searching her face. "You are my girl right?"

"Of course I am," she told him and he kissed her again until they were both
panting for air, relief evident.

"And your girl is hungry," she said when they'd caught their breath.

He grinned, "Chinese right?"

She nodded.

"Did you want to go out or stay in?"

"I want to stay in. I don't . . . I don't want to share you yet."

The look of adoration and love that swept over his face nearly made her
fall over with its intensity. No one had ever looked at her like that before.
She'd never seen anyone look at someone like that before. It was
exhilarating and frightening all at the same time. Somehow she knew that
no one aside from Spike would ever look at her like that again, and, she
didn't want them to.

She also felt guilt for lying to him. Well, it was partly a lie anyway. While it
was true she didn't want to leave the sanctuary of their home and their
ability to show their love for each other there without the hindrance of
public awareness, she was also afraid. For people who knew them, Spike
was still her stepbrother and she was still his stepsister. Their parents
didn't even know yet. She was courageous in wanting to forge ahead from
the non existent taboo of their relationship, while at the same time feared
the odd looks and possible comments being together would garner.

Seems she had just as many issues to work through as he did.





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