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Chapter Sixteen

They sat, Indian style, across from each other on the couch doing something that Buffy had wanted them to do for so long. They were talking. Just talking and eating and to her it was the best night simply because of this simplicity. Tonight they were Buffy and Spike, having been separated for a long time and were now catching up –focusing on the positive for Spike and both negative (Harmony and high school) and positive (Doyle and college) for Buffy. The undercurrent of their siblingdome was there, but not prevalent and therefore not a hindrance. They were connecting as friends with enough flirting to promise that there was more going on.

The world had slipped away from them it seemed. It was just them; Buffy and Spike.

"Buffy?" Spike asked tentatively.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I hate it when people ask a question like that. It never leads to good
things."

He grinned. "Depends on you and how you take it I suppose."

"Ask," she said waving her hand at him.

"When did you start having feelings for me?"

She blinked. She hadn't expected that question. She shifted in her seat,
suddenly uncomfortable, suddenly needing to move. She plopped her fork
in the carton of pork fried rice and climbed off the couch. "I'm going to put
this away," she told him.

He followed, not surprisingly.

"Buffy," he said deeply behind her, "No more secrets remember?"

Shoving the carton in the fridge, she shut it and turned to him. He was
leaning against the counter, watching her with an eyebrow raised.

"Well, see, the thing is, it's embarrassing."

"Oh?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, why do I have to tell you exactly when? Isn't all that's
important here is that I do have feelings for you?"

He grinned. "Come on, tell me."

"Well, I think I started having feelings for you the first day you came back.
I was just so happy you were here."

"And then you realized for sure when --?"

She looked at the sink, avoiding his gaze, "When I woke you up on your
first day of work. I uh, I noticed you."

"Noticed me?"

"You had the sheet just kind of draped across your middle and I could see
everything else exposed." Her face was on fire.

"Buffy, look at me."

She slowly met his gaze.

"You don't have to be ashamed to tell me something like that. After what I
told you the other night—"

She threw her arms around him. Partly to give him reassurance and also
so she didn't have to look at him anymore while she confessed her feelings
had started out as lust. "You don't have to be ashamed either," she told
him.

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly against him. "I was a
pedophile at seventeen."

"You weren't a pedophile. You never did anything about it."

"I thought it."

"People think weird things all the time, Spike. Kinky things. Doesn't mean
they act on them or that they are wrong for letting them drift into their
minds. You didn't do anything wrong. Three years isn't that much of an age
difference you know."

"I was supposed to protect you," he whispered. "I was supposed to keep
you from guys like me."

"And you did. You still do and you still will. You're the only one that can
defile me. You're still doing your job, just means something different now."

He pulled out of her arms and walked away from her. "Don't say ‘defile'
Buffy. Makes me feel dirty."

"I didn't mean it to be dirty, Spike. I just meant that you're the only one
that can do the things that . . . that boyfriends do."

He looked up at her, "Am I your boyfriend?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, Spike it isn't every day that I put myself out on a limb
like this, that I engage in something akin to a relationship with my . . . my .
. . "

"Stepbrother?" he supplied.

She swallowed and said nothing.

He walked away from her, out of the kitchen and she could hear his
footsteps going up the stairs. Tears sprang to her eyes. That had come out
all wrong, so very wrong. She'd inadvertently made him feel worse and she was trying to make him feel better. She felt at a loss, unsure of which way to go and what to do to make it better. Time. This was going to take time. It wasn't like it would just go away over night with a few simple words, with a few "it's going to be all right's". The thing was; if they couldn't get past this hurdle with it just being them, they wouldn't get past the next few hurdles.
With that thought in mind, Buffy marched herself up the stairs intent on confronting Spike. She paused in front of his door, and raised her fist to knock. She dropped her arm and stared at his door. Then took a deep breath and knocked softly.

"Buffy, not right now," he called to her.

She bit her lip. Go or stay? "No, Spike, I'm coming in," and she pushed the
door open. The room was dim, the only light being a lamp on his dresser
that seemed to shed the barest light it could.

He was on his side, his face turned away from her. She knew without being
able to see his face that he was crying. She took a mental breath and
crawled in next to him, wrapping her arms around his middle and pressing
her face into the back of his neck. She placed a kiss there.

"Spike, listen to me," she started. She continued when there was no
response. "I didn't mean to make it sound dirty. I didn't mean to make you
feel worse. I was actually trying to make you feel better by letting you
know that you're the only one I want to experience things with. You're the
first guy in a really long, long time that I've ever wanted to put my heart on
the line for. I'm falling in love with you Spike, and I'm falling rapidly by the
minute.
All this stuff –all this stepsibling stuff, it's there and yeah, it's still gonna
mess with our heads. There's no way it can just disappear overnight and its
going to take some time but we HAVE to work through it. That means no
running away, no avoiding. If you and I can't get through what we feel for
each other together, then how are we going to get through it when it comes
to telling Giles and Mom? I don't want you to give up and I don't want to
give up. This is the first time I've wanted to fight for someone so hard. Please tell me you want to fight too because I can't do this on my own. And I want so much for you to feel good about this—"

He turned to her so fast if she'd blinked she would have missed it. His lips covered her and he engaged her in a desperate kiss filled with longing and need. He broke apart, panting, and buried his face in her neck, holding her tightly, laying a leg over hers possessively.

"I want to fight, Buffy. I just –It's so hard after what I thought was wrong
for so long and God, it feels so right to have you in my arms, to touch you
and kiss you . . . I love you so much . . . it's like I can't breathe . . . "

"Gives a whole new meaning to ‘Take your breath away' huh?"

He chuckled against her. "I'm scared of what's next," he whispered.

She rubbed circles on his back, "Don't be. Not yet anyway. First there's
just us. You and I need to be strong before we take on the rest. If you and I
can't get it together then we won't make it with the rest."

He looked at her then, brushing away tears that had formed during her
speech. "There's only you for me, Buffy. I knew it when I was seventeen
and I know it now at twenty –three. I want it all with you. I want your love
and your friendship. I want to be the bloody world to you because you're
the bloody world to me."

She gasped, "God when you say stuff like that you take MY breath away."
This time she buried her face in his chest, squeezing her eyes shut. "I have
to get used to it. And it's not because you're my step brother. It's the way
you love me. . . It overwhelms me. I'm not used to it."

"Did I scare you?"

"Yes," she admitted. "I'm not . . . no one's ever. When you tell me you've
loved me all this time it makes me wonder what I've done to warrant it, to
DESERVE it."

"Buffy, look at me kitten, please."

She looked up at him.

"It's you, sweetheart. It's just you. You didn't DO anything, you were and
are just YOU."

"Spike?"

"Yes, kitten?"

"Would it be okay, do you think it would be pushing things if I stayed in
here tonight with you?"

"I'd like that," he said, smiling softly.

"I just . . . I just want you to hold me. And I want to hold you."

"God," he breathed and pulled her closer to him. "I don't think anyone's
ever wanted to do that before. Dru never. . ."

"I will, I will."





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