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Chapter Nineteen


Spike's eyes widened. "What did you say?"

"I said," she smiled, "It's my love to give and I choose you."

"Does that mean--?"

"That I love you? Yes."

"I thought that you—that you weren't sure yet, that you needed time."

She nodded slowly. "It's all your fault for being . . . you."

Spike shook his head in wonder, "I knew, I just didn't think . . . "

"Think what? That I'd tell you? Or that I'd love you?"

"Both," he smiled goofily.

She smiled, "What's the point in not telling you?"

"I don't really know . . . Buffy, say it."

"I love you Spike."

"Use William."

"I love you William."

He broke out in a huge smile and cradled her face in his hands and kissed
her deeply, gliding his tongue inside her mouth and tasting her. She shivered and pressed herself against him, seeking the heat and comfort of his body.

She broke from the kiss when the state of his undress sunk in. She giggled.
"Spike, you're just sitting here with your pants around your ankles."

"So? It's just us."

She giggled again. "Let's go for a walk."

"A walk? Now?"

"Yep, now. Come on, just around the block."

"What is it with you and being out at night?"

She smiled, "You're free. Alone. No one can see you, and you can see
everyone."

"If you look inside their houses," he teased. "Peeping tom."

She laughed, "Yep, that's me. Dusk and nighttime is my favorite time. It's

the part where I feel like can do anything, be anything. And now, I want to
share it with you."

Brushing some hair away from her face, Spike leaned in and kissed her
sweetly. "In that case, how can I say no?"

**************************************************************

Walking hand in hand, Spike and Buffy toured their block silently, listening
to the sounds around them—cars passing by, TV's blaring in people's
homes, crickets in the distance, the rustling of leaves from gentle breezes.

The couple found themselves lost in their own musings. Buffy was pondering the day and all they'd done. She felt her face get hot when she thought of the way she'd touched him. It was something she never thought she'd do. She'd told Doyle once that hell would freeze over before she went down on any guy. With Spike though, she found she was unable to stop herself. She wanted to know his taste, wanted to learn what pleased him and how it all worked. She wanted to blow his mind. No pun intended. She shook her head in wonder.

"What are you thinking about?" Spike asked, tugging on her arm to get her
attention.

She looked up at him, blushing. "Nothing."

He grinned, "That doesn't look like nothing. Can I guess?"

She didn't answer.

He laughed, "We don't have to if you don't want to."

"Okay, good," she nodded abruptly and focused back on their walk.

"But you do feel all right with it?"

"With . . . what I did?"

He nodded.

"Well, yeah. I'm just . . . I'm kind of stunned with myself."

"Me too."

"Why are you stunned?" she asked curiously.

"You never struck me as the kind that would . . . do that. You never struck
me as a . . . well, a giver."

She burst out laughing. "It's funny because I know EXACTLY what you
mean. To be honest, I never thought of myself as a giver either."

"Not that you're selfish---" Spike backpedaled.

"No, but, I've never exactly been easy on men."

"Which works well in my favor," he grinned. "VERY well in my favor. I get
to be your first."


Buffy rolled her eyes, "And all guys just love that don't they?"

"To be the first? Well, yeah, I guess, but . . . " he stopped walking, which in
turn caused her to stop as well. She faced him, waiting patiently for what he
had to say. "For me this is like a rebirth."

"Rebirth? You and I being together is like a rebirth?"

"Yeah," he said slowly. "I was with Drusilla and Drusilla only. All that time,
I wanted her to be you. Despite the fact that she knew it and held it over
my head. Despite how wrong it felt, I wanted to be loving you. My marriage
was hard, Buffy. It sucked up one side and down the other. This, with you .
. . It's making right what went wrong. I feel reborn."

"It's your do-over?"

"Yes, it's my do-over. And being able to experience it with you as your first
time makes it even more special. I'm finally with the girl I've loved since I
was seventeen years old. And the fact that she loves me too, and hasn't
given her heart or otherwise to anyone else—it means everything to me
Buffy."

She nodded, "It means everything to me too," she whispered. "If I seem
so . . . casual about everything or brave. . . I'm not. Inside, I'm terrified.
Being with you is. . . it's new for me. I've never met anyone that I wanted to
give my time and my heart to. Well, I had a crush on Doyle there for a
while, but we all know how that ended up. And, I didn't realize how
fortunate I was at the time when he told me. It was like the universe was
clearing a path to you. Like it was telling me that there was a guy that was
perfect for me . . . and here you are. Well, you were there all the time, but I
didn't know. . . and now I do. So if I mess up and do something wrong –"

"You won't—"

"I could. I'm sorry if I do in advance. I've never been in love before."

"We're even then, kitten. You're the only one I've ever loved."

"That makes you feel guilty doesn't it?"

"It does," he admitted.

"Drusilla was already sick," Buffy reminded him. "You didn't make her
worse, Spike. If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else."

"I did make her worse," Spike sighed heavily, burrowing closer to her,
burying his face in her neck. "I did because I wanted this with you. God
help me Buffy, I'd do it all again to have you in my arms."

"Spike you have to stop doing this to yourself."

"I'm trying."

She wanted to tell him to ‘try harder'. But she couldn't be that cruel. She
was scared and her fear was starting to push its way to the surface. She
was afraid of what their parents were going to say and what others that
knew them would say. She needed him to be strong because by God, she
got more and more terrified the deeper they got into it. Her own feelings
overwhelmed her coupled with his feelings for her . . . It shook her to the
core. She wasn't one to walk away from a fight, from a challenge, and she
knew she had to fight on this one. She just wanted Spike to be able to fight
with her and she was beginning to wonder if he'd be able to when push
came to shove – and she saw lots of shoving coming up. She wondered if it
was his reaction she was worried about more when the shit hit the fan or if
she was worried about whether she'd really be able to whether the storm
with him. Would she be the one to crumble under pressure or would he?
Would he surprise her and fight? Would she weaken and walk away?

Looking up at him, at the love in his eyes as he gazed down at her, and the
way his arms felt so strong and right around her, she felt her heart swell
with love for him. No, she wouldn't weaken. How could she? She loved this
man before her. Loved him above all others and would love him above all
others for eternity. Buffy Summers didn't half ass it when it came to those
she cared about. And she more than just cared about Spike. She loved him
entirely. He'd been her everything before and he was her everything ten
fold now. But seeing the desperation lurking in his eyes--the plea to be fixed and to understand-- she had to wonder if
she'd be the one left standing.

Alone.





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