Chapter Twenty Five
Buffy’s eyes shot open as she felt the stirrings of an orgasm approach her along with the stirring of Spike’s tongue inside her. She’d been resting peacefully, her rest even more peaceful since Spike had joined her bed the night before, and now she was awakening to an orgasm that she knew was going to overwhelm her with its intensity.
He was awfully fond of going down on her in the morning it seemed.
“Spike,” she gasped as the heat grew and rose within her, she strained against him and grabbed hold of the sheets at her fingertips. In a desperate move, she reached up and grabbed hold of her pillow and smothered the impending
scream of ecstasy. It was simply impossible to stay quiet when Spike was working his magic.
And then it hit her and she screamed as softly
as she could into the pillow. Spike moaned against her folds,
the vibration of it tickling her clit into another rush. And now
she was smothering herself in her pillow. Whipping it off her
face, she moved quickly to disengage his mouth from her.
She grabbed onto his shoulder and tugged, whimpering
slightly.
He grinned, that predatory grin that made her
panties wet and crushed his lips to hers.
“Why the pillow?” he asked when they were
gasping for air.
“What do you mean why?” she
whispered. “Mom and Giles?”
“Left for work already,” he said, nuzzling her
neck as he stretched out beside her. She felt the nude slide
of his body against hers and felt a rush of lust go through her.
It was amazing what he did to her. And, from the feel of his
erection rubbing against her belly, she had the same affect
on him.
She pulled her head back, demanding that he look at her fully.
He did without question and she reached between them,
grabbing hold of his cock, smearing the pre-cum around the
head and down his steel shaft. His cock jerked in her hands
and seemed to grow even more. His head lolled back and he
groaned, clutching her hips tightly.
“Look at me,” she demanded huskily. “I want to watch you
like you like to watch me.”
His eyes snapped open and she smiled when his eyes met
hers lustfully with just a hint of surprise. She smirked and pumped him quicker watching the pleasure flicker across his face.
“Buffy—“ he grunted. “I’m going to come all over your
sheets—“
Letting him go abruptly she slid down to his cock. “No you
won’t. Come for me Spike,” and she sucked hard on the
head.
He exploded in her mouth and roared her name. She
swallowed the milky jets as fast as she could, some dribbling
from the corner of her mouth. Lazily she cleansed his cock
with her mouth, listening to his little moans of bliss. Climbing
up, she laid beside him and glanced quickly at her alarm
clock. Drat. She had to start getting ready and so did he.
He wrapped her up in his arms, putting a leg over hers
possessively and buried his face in her neck.
She glided her hand up and down his back, basking in
him. “Spike?”
“Yeah?” he murmured.
“What made you come in my room last night?”
“I was thinking about stuff and I wanted to be here instead of
alone in my bed without you.”
“Stuff like...?” she urged.
He sighed and pulled back to look at her. “Remember when
you had that sports banquet in high school?”
“Specifics. I had many in high school.”
“You went with Angel.”
“Ah, oh yeah. The guy who dumped me
because I was a better athlete than him.”
“He was a ponce,” Spike grumbled.
Buffy smiled, “I think you might be biased. He wasn’t bad.
Just competitive. It killed him that a girl was better than he
was.”
“Anyway, I was thinking about that day I came home and you
were trying on this outfit you had gotten for it and I was standing there wanting you so much . . . and I was filled with
shame because I wanted you,” he shook his head. “I yelled at
you. You asked me if I wanted to shoot hoops and I told you I
had better things to do than shoot hoops with you all the time.
I heard the hurt in your voice when you told Joyce that you’d
been badgering me and that I was probably tired of you. I
hated myself for wanting you and I hated myself for hurting
you. I’m sorry.”
Buffy kissed him softly. “It’s over now. Things
aren’t the same, remember?”
“Which is why I came in here last night. There I was a room
away from you, missing you and wanting to be in your arms
and it was okay for me to be with you. That Spike couldn’t be
with you, but this one can and is. I didn’t want to deny myself
anymore.”
“That’s a very good step, William,” Buffy said, smiling
gently. “Does that mean that we can tell Mom and Giles?” she
asked hopefully.
“It was a good step, but I’m still not ready for that, luv.”
She nodded, disappointed. “Okay. Hey, when’s your next
appointment with Dr. McClay?
“In two days. She wants to see me a couple
times during the week for now. Guess I’m sicker than I
thought.”
She poked him with her finger in the chest. “Don’t say that.”
“Can I convince you to come out with me tonight? Just us?
Maybe we could go for a picnic in the park?”
“Who would have guessed you’d be such a romantic?”
“You bring it out in me luv.”
The alarm going off let them know time was
now up. Buffy sighed, “I’ll meet you at the park then? I’ll just
go from Doyle’s so mom and Giles don’t wonder.”
“Sounds good, luv. I’ll come home first and grab a shower. I’ll
come home at lunch and prepare it all and just keep it in the
fridge at work.”
Buffy nodded, sighing inwardly. So much work just to spend
time together. She wanted to point that out to him, but knew it
would do no good to push him. For both their sake’s.
***********************************************************************
“Tell me about Buffy,” Tara said to Spike the following
week at their session.
Spike blinked, “What do you want to know about her?”
Tara studied him,”You got defensive there.”
He looked down, “I did.”
“Why?”
“Buffy is a . . . I don’t want to to say sore subject for
me. That makes it sound as if she’s hurtful to me, because
she’s not.”
“But you think your feelings for her and for each other
are hurtful,” Tara observed.
“Yes.”
“Is it hurtful to you that she loves you?” Tara asked.
“No,” Spike replied, shaking his head.
“Is it hurtful for you to love her?”
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “That’s
where it gets tricky.”
“How so?”
“When I fell in love with her when she was just a kid
for Christ’s Sake. What kind of pervert was I lusting after my
fourteen year old sister,” Spike said incredulously.
“She’s not your sister,” Tara told him bluntly.
“Tell that to my father and my step mother,” Spike
muttered.
“Spike, everyone has a taboo or ‘bad’ thought;
thoughts that could be considered wrong and unhealthy. It’s
what we do with those thoughts that makes the difference.
You fell in love with Buffy when you were no more than a kid
yourself. At seventeen you’re a guy with raging hormones
who wants to ‘get laid’. It’s normal. It’s not like you took those
urges you had towards Buffy and took advantage of her or
forced yourself on her. At her age, yes, that wouldn’t have
been right. Instead, you treated her the same as you always
had and beat yourself up for having those thoughts; those
feelings. Were you betraying Buffy by having them or were
you betraying your father and step mother?”
“My parents,” he murmured.
“How?”
“They thought I was being big brother Spike, when I
was really being the guy who wanted Buffy for myself.”
“You never acted on it, Spike. You can’t beat yourself
up for the things that you felt. You are not a bad man. You
are not sick, you are not perverted. You’re human.
Pedophiles are individuals who take advantage of the young
and use force on them; who get off on hurting children
because it satisfies a dark craving inside them. You are not a
pedophile, for you never forced yourself on Buffy. And do
you know why?”
Spike shook his head, fighting back tears.
“Because you loved her. You still love her. It’s part of
the reason why you’re here, isn’t it?”
He nodded, wiping at his eyes.
Tara got up and moved so that she sat beside him.
She took his hands in hers and looked at him imploringly. “It’s
time to let it go, Spike. It’s time to stop beating yourself up and
making something special into something dirty and wrong. I
want you to tell me now what you love about Buffy. What it
was that drew her to you back then. Don’t hold anything
back, tell me all of it.”
Spike took a shuddering breath, trying not to sob out
the wealth of emotions coursing through him. One of them
namely being relief.
“Th—thank you,” he whispered hoarsely.
Tara squeezed his hands in hers. “For what?”
“For telling it’s not wrong. F-for saying it’s okay to feel
as I have and as I do.”
“Say it out loud, Spike. Say ‘I love Buffy and it’s not
wrong.’”
“I-I love Buffy and it’s not wrong,” he repeated back.
“Again.”
“I l-love Buffy and it’s not wrong.”
“Again.”
“I love Buffy and it’s not wrong.”
“Again.”
“I love Buffy and it’s not wrong.”
“One more time.”
“I love Buffy and it’s not wrong,” he said this time with
conviction, with strength of voice and a determined glint in his
eye.
“I want you to say that to yourself whenever you
start to feel guilt, or when you start to feel wrong for loving
her. Can you do that?”
“Yes,” he sighed heavily, expelling the tension held
tight within him.
“Tell me now; tell me what it was that drew you to
her.”
Spike gave her a watery smile and swallowed back
the rest of his tears held at bay for now. “I can tell you that
she is and was unlike any girl I’d ever known or wanted to
know.”
“Give me an adjective to describe her.”
“Audacious,” he said without hesitation.
Tara squeezed his hand, “Do you think that’s
something you’d like to have possessed within yourself?
Quick answer, don’t think about it.”
“Yes,” he breathed, his eyes sparkling. “Just to be
near her . . . you get caught up in her. You can’t help but
want to be near it, touch it, have it surround you. She has so
much LIFE. Even then, especially then. Time has made her a
little jaded, a little harder around the edges, but that life is still
there in her.
She doesn’t want anyone to consider her weak or
incapable of doing anything, she’s stubborn and proud. You
think she’s all sharp edges that’ll cut you if you get too close
to her, and she has this wall up that shuts you out, keeps
you at a distance. But, but if she allows you to get close to
her, you see the real her, the gem she is.
She has such a kind, loving heart. She goes to bat for
the ones she loves and when she loves you, she makes you
feel like a God.
She always let me in. She idolized me and I think she
took on some of my traits in the process.”
“So it’s only fitting that you should want to take on
some of hers.”
“I don’t want to be dependant on her. Buffy would
never go for that. She’s a free spirit and she let me catch
her—“
“She caught you too, Spike. She wanted you to be the
one to catch her.”
Spike nodded profusely, “Yes, yes, that’s true. She
did. I thought I had a rough idea what love was all about
when I was younger, pre-Buffy. At fifteen, I imagined it’d be
me being loved by someone and taken care of. I thought it
was all about kissing and hugging and sex and that as long
as you had that, then you had it all. I wanted to be
worshipped; I wanted to be the center of someone’s
existence. Then I fell for Buffy and realized that I didn’t want
her to worship me for I worshipped her.
I just wanted to share things with her. She was the one I
wanted to tell about my day, she was the one I wanted to
see a horror movie with. When I got too big for my britches, I
wanted her to be the one to tell me to get over myself. And
she would,” Spike chuckled. “She might have idolized me, but
she had no problem telling me to shove it up my arse.
She wasn’t like the girls my age. She was older somehow;
wiser. She wasn’t into getting falling down drunk and
sleeping with random guys. She wasn’t into hair and makeup
and showing off her flat stomach. She was a tomboy. Still is.
I thought I’d wanted a girl that was everything Buffy wasn’t.
But I was wrong. I’ve dated girls like that, girls with no
substance, girls that played games and snapped their gum
and batted their eyes to get what they want. Buffy would
sooner arm wrestle me to get what she wanted than resort
to such games. Though, she has tried it. Pulled the ol’ ‘but
Spike I’m your little sister’ routine. Like I wouldn’t give her everything and anything she wanted.
Buffy is the single most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. And it’s not all her looks; it’s her spirit and her soul. It’s her heart and her mind. It’s everything. Those were things that drew me to her, and those are the things that kept my heart with her.”
“Spike, that’s so beautiful,” Tara said softly, dabbing
at her eyes. “Have you ever told her those things?”
Spike shrugged; feeling shy suddenly. “Here and there.”
“She sounds like an amazing woman.”
“She really is,” Spike said, nodding and smiling sheepishly.
“Say it again, Spike.”
“I love Buffy and it’s not wrong.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks everyone!