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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks so much everyone!!! :)
Chapter Twenty-eight

"Buffy, do you think it's possible this is one of those shoot first, apologize later moments?" Doyle asked when they had returned to his home.

Without looking at him from her spot on his bed, and instead focusing on
the ceiling, she said "For?"

"Both of you."

"In regards to our parents?" she asked.

"That and his wanting to leave. You in turn leaving him with an
ultimatum."

"I didn't leave him with an ultimatum—"she paused, "Okay, maybe I did. I
was hoping . . . I was just hoping."

"That he'd come after you and tell you he was ready to go in there and face
the firing sqaud that are your parents right now?"

"Yes."

"He's scared Buffy. He's lived with this for years, thinking it's wrong and he
was dirty. Weren't you the one who told me how Giles trumped up the
whole family thing to him? And then there was Dru—"

"All right! I get it!" Buffy sat up and exclaimed. "I'm wrong. I was too hard
on him, I expected more than he could give. I'm a horrible girlfriend and I
probably set him back rather than trying to push him forward. I should just
be docile and passive!"

Doyle stared at her. "I didn't say that."

She glared at him, "I suppose now you'll say that I'm projecting right?"

"I think you just said it."

"Listen, maybe I was too hard on him, but . . Goddammit Doyle he wanted
to run away. Again!"

"I know. And I think you are right. Running away is not the answer. But I
think with Spike that too was a knee jerk reaction. I also think that it does
look as if he is keeping your relationship a secret because he's still in that
place of thinking it's wrong. You can't just uncondition years of conditioning
in the span of a few weeks."

"So I have to wait years now for him to be okay with it?"

"To uncondition him? Maybe. For him to be okay with it and in a place
where he won't feel the need to run? I think it'll take parental approval."

"And if they never give it?"

"Then Spike has to get to a place where he feels comfortable in his own
skin. It doesn't have to take years to get him to that place, Buffy. He has no
confidence in himself right now. He wants to be a good man and I truly
believe that he does love with everything he is. He's just . . . lost. He needs
to find himself."

"And what do I do in the meantime?"

"I think what you both need is some space right now. You're hurt and
angry, he's hurt and feeling lost. Your parents are in shock and it made
them react horribly. All of you have all these emotions inside you and
trying to reach out and grab onto something to get through it, but none of
you are sure HOW to get through it yet. You all need some time to collect
yourselves and take a step back. All of you need to gain your footing. Ever

hear of fight or flight?"

"Yes."

"Your reaction was to fight; Spike's reaction was flight. Your parents just. . .
reacted. Hopefully, and I mean HOPEFULLY, given some time, they'll talk
about this calmly instead of flinging accusations."

"So I wasn't horribly wrong about being so hard on him?" she asked
meekly.

"No, honey, you weren't horribly wrong. It was human. You have a leg to
stand on in this case. He did need to know that he was making you feel as if
you were his dirty secret. He needed to see that running away is not the
thing to do."

"So I gave him ‘tough love'?"

"Yes."

She sighed heavily. "I feel guilty."

"I know."

"I pushed him to tell and then I didn't want him to."

"It's okay to have a change of heart Buffy."

"I just saw him start to have confidence in himself, in us, and I thought
maybe if he had just a little bit more time, he'd be able to handle it that
much better. I was wrong in wanting to push him right away." She draped
an arm across her eyes.

"You weren't wrong. You were anxious. Stop beating yourself up," Doyle
reprimanded her.

"If I'm beating myself up and I know it's not wrong for us to be together,
what is Spike doing to himself right now?" Buffy questioned worriedly.



^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Spike sat huddled on the floor of Xander's guest bedroom, rocking back and forth. His tears were still wet on his face, but no more leaked from his eyes. All he kept thinking was ‘Buffy left me'.

Xander came in and sat down on the bed. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

"Do you still want to take off?"

Spike looked up at him, anger filling him quickly. "Do you want me to leave
you in peace? Am I crimping your style here? Afraid I might find out you're
gay?"

Xander turned red in the face and stood, towering over Spike. "What the
fuck, man? That wasn't cool. You know, my life was pretty normal until you
brought your incestual ass in it. So why don't you—"

Spike jumped up from where he sat, hauled off and decked Xander,
knocking him to the floor.

"It's NOT incest!" Spike roared at him.

Xander looked up at him, eyes narrowing. "Get the fuck out."

"Happy to."

"You better be at work tomorrow," Xander snapped.

Without a word, Spike walked out the door. Now where?



^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Spike couldn't sleep. All he could do was stare off into space. He itched and ached to call Buffy. The hotel room was comfortable enough, but musty and he didn't really want to wager a guess as to if it had actually been given a thorough cleaning. He closed his eyes and pictured Buffy's face. The way she looked when Joyce started wringing her hands and Giles started throwing accusations.

The way she'd stood in front of him and yelled at Giles to leave him alone.

His eyes welled up in tears. No, he wasn't going to think of that. That wasn't
going to keep him warm right then.

Instead, he thought about how she felt in his arms. How she tasted and
moaned. How she called his name and the sound of her laugh. Happy
thoughts of her had sustained him through one dark time in his life. Now,
he had more to sustain him through.

Spike rolled onto his back and closed his eyes.

He had to get her back.





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