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Chapter Twenty nine

"Oh Spike, I'm so sorry that happened," Tara said sympathetically and reached out to hold his hand. She squeezed it. "That was unfair treatment and I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"How do I fix it?" Spike asked, pleading in his tone.

"I think giving it time to settle with your parents—"

"Not with them. With Buffy."

Tara sighed. "I think the same goes for her. A lot of hurt feelings and anger
has been passed around. From what you've told me of Buffy, I don't believe
you've lost her Spike. Your first priority is righting things inside yourself.
Once that is done, everything else will fall into place. Did you believe it was
the right time to tell them when you did?"

"Buffy asked me the same thing just before," he murmured. He shook his
head to clear it, "I thought it was what she wanted."

"Did you want to do it for her?"

"I . . . I think part of me did, yes."

"Sometimes after a session, there's a high when there's a breakthrough.
You had a breakthrough, Spike. However, a breakthrough does not mean
all is cured and that you can slay every demon and dragon that comes
along. You have to build your strength up still. Having a breakthrough is
like a toddler taking its first step. It's a start, but it still takes practice and
more steps before you're actually walking."

"Why didn't you tell me that before?" Spike exclaimed, jumping up from his
spot. "I've lost everything now. My family, my Buffy—"

Tara shook her head, "You haven't lost anything Spike. You're hurt and
you're scared, but you haven't lost anything. Things can be put back
together."

"How?" he asked mournfully. "My parents hate me right now. They think
I'm… they think I'm disgusting."

"They were stunned."

"So I fucked up—"

"You did NOT fuck up. Mistakes happen. It's the way you deal with it after
that makes up for it. Your first step is to stop blaming yourself for everything that happens. You are not in control of their reaction to you and Buffy. THEY are in control of it. They responded poorly, Spike, and that is not a reflection on you. They owe you an apology for it.
What happened with you and Xander was a breakthrough Spike and I don't think you're even aware of it."

He blinked at her, "What? Slugging him was a breakthrough?"

Tara chuckled, "Yes, it was. Of sorts. He attacked you. He attacked your relationship with Buffy, the same way your parents did. However, instead of letting him attack you and make you feel that it was wrong and that you were dirty, you slugged him. You told him quite firmly that it was NOT incest."

"Are you saying I should go home and slug my father?"

Tara shook her head and smiled, "No. But you should talk to them with that same mindset that you had with Xander. You do know that it is not wrong, but you let them dictate to you how you should feel about it. They think it's wrong, therefore, they superimpose it on you that it is and you let them, thereby turning your love for Buffy into something dirty and wrong, ergo, you feel guilty.
You know in your heart that what you have with Buffy is special. Yet you let others dictate to you that it is wrong. Drusilla preyed on your insecurity and led you to believe that you were responsible for her sickness. You were not."

"I was the catalyst. She loved me and I—"

"Anything could have been the catalyst. She would have found something, Spike. She was sick. I am not condoning what happened for to be in love with one woman and marry another can tear up the soul and is unfair for both parties involved. I am saying that I UNDERSTAND why you did it."

"Did I handle that mistake correctly?" Spike asked softly.

"Yes. You got her the help she needed. And now you are. I believe that love is a strength. It takes great courage to love so thoroughly. You have to stop making love your weakness, and instead make it your strength.
I'm not just talking about Buffy here, Spike. I'm talking about you. Once you learn to start loving yourself and getting rid of those destructive thought patters you've gotten into, you'll be able to stop blaming yourself for how the world around you reacts to your choices. Right now you let others dictate to you what is right and what is wrong even though you are fully aware of what is right and what is wrong.
Instead of thinking your father is right about your love for Buffy being wrong, and how Drusilla had every right to play head games with you, you'll see that instead you should be taking the stand similar to the one you took with Xander. You should be angry. I'm not talking about being angry at every person that disagrees with you or letting anger infest itself inside you, letting it take you over so that all you feel is that anger for your father or Drusilla, or whomever else comes around. I'm talking about a healthy dose of anger. The kind of anger that lets you know you've been wronged. Once you understand it and know how to work with it constructively, you'll be able to stop turning it into yourself and instead stand up for yourself."

Spike sat down across from Tara, leaning close. "I did feel so much anger at Xander . . . and I knew he was just angry with me and lashing out, but it made me so angry to hear him say that about me and Buffy. And I knew what he was saying wasn't true. It's not incest. Incest is wrong and it is dirty, but what I feel for Buffy is not like that at all."

Tara nodded, "That was a good first step. I don't condone violence and from I hear about Xander, perhaps he's got some of his own anger turned inwards that he's dealing with which is why he lashed out so poorly to you.
You will have to talk to your parents sooner or later. The key is in how you approach them —with Buffy at your side."

"How do I do it? I don't even know where to start."

"Yes, you do."

Spike fell into thoughtful silence for a long time and when he spoke it was with conviction he hadn't come in with. "Yes, you're right. I do. Would you help me with it?"

"Of course."

***************************************************************
Buffy was pacing outside Tara's building, waiting for Spike to emerge. She'd gone to his work site and Xander had told he'd left early for a doctor's appointment. When she'd noticed the black eye he was sporting, she'd asked him what had happened. Xander shook his head and simply said, "We were both out of line." That concerned her, but Xander was not about to delve into it. She had to assume that he was the one that had suffered the brunt of them both being ‘out of line'.

She'd taken the day off from classes and instead had gone home to collect some of hers and Spike's things, making sure her parents were gone first. She wasn't sure how long he was planning on staying away, but she did know he needed some things. She had wondered if it was presumptuous of her to pack his things as she did, but she also felt guilt for the way she'd attacked him the night before. She wanted him to know that if he needed time away, she understood as she was taking some time too. Doyle had been completely fine about her staying a few days with him and while part of her felt that she was running away, she also knew that when she faced her parents next, she wanted Spike by her side to do it. They had to be a team.

"Buffy?"

She spun to see Spike standing there, staring at her a bit disoriented. Her eyes prickled with tears, and she wanted to run to him; however she was unsure if he wanted her to.

"H—hi," she said finally.

"How did you know I was here?"

"I went to your work site. Xander told me you had a doctor's appointment.
I wagered a guess until I saw your car in the parking lot."

He moved closer to her. "What are you doing here?"

"I um, I came down here for a couple reasons. One was to bring you some
of your stuff," she gestured towards a nearby bench in which she had a
green duffel back packed full of his things. Next to it was a baby blue duffel
bag, which was hers.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I figured you didn't want to come home for a little while to, you
know, get your head on straight and stuff," she explained, fidgeting.

"And you're condoning that?" he asked, slightly bitter.

That surprised her, but she nodded, "Yes. That was the other reason why
I came down here."

"To tell me that you give me your blessing for wanting to lay low?" More
bitterness.

That got her back up and she narrowed her eyes. "Listen, there's a big
difference between running away and laying low for a while. You were
ready to run last night, so fuck you. All I came down here to do was give
you some of your stuff and let you know that I was sorry for yelling at you
the way I did last night. I still don't think running away is the key, but I
understand why you wanted to do that. That's all I wanted to do, and now
I'll be out of your hair," and she started for her own bag.

Spike grabbed her arm and brought her back to him. "Buffy, wait."

"What?" she said, pursing her lips together.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you like that. You were right last night. Running
away wasn't the best way to deal with things. Your reaction was to fight,
mine was to flee."

She blinked, thinking of what Doyle had said.

"I don't want to run away any longer. That feeling passed. It was just . . .
When Mom and Dad started yelling, I shut down inside. I shouldn't have
left you to deal with them the way I did—"

"No, but I get it, okay? I don't have to like it, but I get it"

"I know you do, Buffy," he whispered and kissed her forehead.

"And I shouldn't have pushed you before to tell them. You were right in
waiting and then when you were ready, I wanted you to wait. That wasn't
fair of me either. I just . . . I just saw a change in you while you were going
to therapy and I realized that you were right in wanting to wait and last
night I thought if we waited just a bit longer, you'd be completely strong.
I was angry with you last night because you wanted to run and then I left
you instead of staying and fighting—"

"Buffy, stop. Look, last night was . . . it was a mess. We were all flying high
on a bunch of emotion. None of us were thinking clearly and everything
came out wrong."

She smiled weakly, "Listen to you."

"What?"

"You sound so wise."

"Do I?"

She nodded and her eyes welled up. "I'm sorry."

Spike brought her closer and wrapped his arms around her, burying his nose in her hair. "Ssshhh….it's okay. It's over. We just gotta work from here."

She held him tightly. "I told you I was new at this," she cried against him.

"I know, baby. So am I. You were right, we have to stick together you and I. Can we do that from now on, Buffy? Give me another chance?"

She nodded and looked up at him. "I'll try not to be such a bitch."

He chuckled, "Yeah right. That's like asking the sun not to shine."

She swatted him lightly, "Jerk," but she laughed a little.

"Is that your bag over there next to mine?"

She nodded, "I was planning on going to Doyle's. You were right about needing some time and I just don't feel right going to face Mom and Giles without you."

"How bout you come with me instead of going to Doyle's?"

"To Xander's?"

"I left Xander's last night. I'm staying at a hotel."

She squinted at him, "You leave Xander because you hit him?"

He looked at her sheepishly, "He tell you?"

"He just said that you guys got out of line."

"Yeah, I suppose we did."

"What happened?"

When Spike told her what happened, Buffy's jaw dropped. "See! Now you
just need to do that to Mom and Giles!" she exclaimed.

Spike laughed, "You want me to slug them?"

She broke out in giggles, "Well, no, but you know what I mean."

"Yes, baby, I know. So what do you say? Will you come with me?"

She nodded solemnly. "Yes. Spike?"

"Yes, kitten?"

"I love you."

He leaned in and kissed her fervently, "I know, kitten, and I love you too.
Let's go."





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