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Chapter Seven

Buffy lay in the darkness of her best friend's room after she settled in his bed. Buffy had decided she did not want to go home in case Spike did try to bring Harmony there. She really did not want to hear or see anything. She didn't even want to know about it. If she could strike herself ignorant to what she'd seen, erase it completely from her memory and stop replaying it over and over in her mind, she'd happily do it.

She'd called her mother and told her she'd be staying at Doyle's that night, which, of course was no big deal since Doyle's home was like her second home.

"Is Spike still out?" Joyce had asked, her voice laced with concern.

"Yeah, mom, he's still out. I was getting really tired and –"

"Was he drinking a lot Buffy?"

"No, mom. Plus, Xander, his friend from work was with him. Spike can be pretty responsible, mom."

"I just worry about you two."

"Well, I'm here and I'm fine. Just tired," she yawned for effect. "Night mom."

Doyle hadn't said much about what they'd seen. Didn't let anything on to what she was
feeling. He knew better than to badger her. She'd come clean in her own time.

"Doyle?" Buffy asked, disrupting the deafening silence of the room.

"Yeah?" Doyle asked back from the fold out couch in his room as Buffy had the bed.

"It bothers me."

"What do you mean?"

"You're going to make me spell it out aren't you?" she sighed.

"Buffy, you know as well as I do that I can't ‘make' you do anything. I think it'd help
though if you said out loud. Sometimes when you keep things in like that, it's almost as if they
aren't real and don't exist."

"Then that would actually benefit me to make it not real."

"Except that keeping things in like that will just torment you until you give voice to it.
Being able to work through it is the best way to go."

"You just want the gossip."

"Buffy, I just want you to be happy."

"Okay, okay, okay. . . It bothered me to see Spike making out with Harmony."

"Why?"

"Aside from the fact that she's a tramp and is the bane of my existence?"

"Yes."

Buffy was quiet for a minute, mustering up her courage. "I didn't want him kissing
her," she whispered.

"Why?"

"Argh! You're doing this on purpose."

"Just say it out loud Buffy. Give voice to it so it doesn't beat you up."

"Because I wanted him to be kissing me. It's crazy, Doyle. Tell me it's crazy."

"Why would I tell you that?"

"So that it doesn't beat me up anymore!"

"But it's still there isn't it? If I told you that it was crazy and sick, it would still be there."

"But it's WRONG!"

"We've been over this Buffy. He's not really your brother!"

"Yeah, but—"

"Buffy, were you ever attracted to him before?"

"I," she started and then stopped, thinking. After a minute, "I don't think I'd ever
thought of it . . . I mean, yeah I'd noticed him. But I never put much thought into why I . . . I . ."

"Put him on a pedestal? Wanted to be around him all the time? I've heard you talk
about him Buffy. I've seen the look you get on your face. Some part of you, whether you
recognized it or not was attracted to him beyond sibling love. However, you were just a child
then. And then he left.
Cut to four years later. You've barely had any contact with him, you've had separate lives and you've grown up. Which, you told him as much too. You've built him up in your head more, and yet at the same time, demoted him a few notches because of how he ignored you all this time. You've felt protective of him, possibly even jealous of his marriage—"

"I never—"

"I said possibly. He's not the same anymore and neither are you. You're both adults. . . well, to some extent you are."

That earned a pillow being flung across the room and knocking Doyle off the side of the head.

"Case in point," he teased. Then sobered. "You saw him as a man today Buffy. Your reaction to him was of one of a woman reacting to a man. Despite what society or your parents might tell you about your relationship to him, he is not really your step brother and some part of you is aware of that. So aware that it caused you to become jealous over Harmony.
It's not wrong Buffy. He's not really your brother so it's not really incest. Telling yourself how ‘wrong' it is and how ‘dirty' it is, will only drive you crazy."

"So then what do I do now? Do I tell him I'm having these . . . reactions to him? I mean, I don't know that they are feelings so much as reactions at this point."

"I think you need to give Spike some time."

"What do you mean ‘give him some time? What are you talking about?" Buffy demanded.

"I'll let you know when to tell him."

"How do you know when—"

"Trust me Buffy," Doyle said firmly.

"But—"

"Just trust me on this. Give him some time."


It was a bad idea. The whole thing was just a bad idea. He knew it from the start. And yet he thought if he just gave himself over to the moment—he'd find some kind of freedom. Like something would snap within him and all those feelings for Buffy would dissipate, cease to exist.

You can't erase six years of longing for one person like that.

And, you can't expect it to happen by pretending its them on their knees with their lips wrapped around your hard member.

You also can't say their name out loud and hope that it falls on deaf ears.

"What?!" Harmony screeched and bolted up from her spot on the floor in front of him. She swiped at her mouth as Spike closed his eyes, wondering how he was going to get himself out of this one.

"Harm—"

"You mack on me out there on that dance floor—" she gestured to where the pulsating music was coming from. "And you tell me you want me and so I bring you here to have me and you call me someone else's name? Not even just ‘someone' either. Buffy Summers!"

Spike's eyes widened. "You know my si—Buffy?"

"That little uppity bitch? Yeah, I know her."

Spike's jaw clenched and he tucked himself back in his pants and zipped up. "She's not an uppity bitch," he snarled at her.

"Please. She's a prude. She thinks she's better than everybody else."

"Everybody else meaning you?" Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.

Harmony flipped her hair over her shoulder. "At least I know how to have a good time."

"So taking strange men you just met into the backroom of a dance club is your usual MO and Buffy, who would NEVER do something like that, doesn't know how to have a good time? Why? Because she doesn't ‘put out' for the first hard dick that comes around?"

Harmony poked him in the chest with a perfectly manicured red nail. "Like you're one to talk. You were willing to put out for the first pussy that came around."

Spike hung his head. She was completely right. "Look, Harmony, I'm sorry okay? I just—"

Harmony held up her hand. "I don't even want to hear it."

"Can we keep this between us please?"

Harmony rolled her eyes. "Like I want anyone to know I almost hooked up with some pathetic loser."

"You're ever so kind," Spike said dryly.

Harmony shrugged and stalked out of the room.

Spike sighed and slumped against the wall, hitting his head on the wall. How dumb was he?

"Dude?" Xander.

"Yeah?"

Xander came round the corner. "So? How was it?"

"It wasn't."

Xander's eyes widened. "Why not?"

"I don't really want to get into with you right now all right? I just want to get Buffy and go home," Spike said, suddenly feeling weary. He just really wanted to shut his brain off for a bit.

"Buffy's not out there, man."

Spike jerked to attention. "What? Did you see her leave?"

"Well, no I didn't actually see her leave, but I was looking for her. You know, keeping an eye out for her while you were uh—"

"Yeah, yeah—and she's not out there?"

"No."

"Where the bloody—FUCK! She could have left with that bleedin wanker!"

Spike pushed Xander aside in his haste to get back into the club. His eyes devoured the crowd, searching for signs of the wanker she'd been talking to for so long. He was nowhere to be found.

"Fuck! Now I've lost her and I don't have her cell number." Spike reached into his pocket and dialed home. "Mum? Buffy home?"

"No honey, she's at Doyle's."

A wave of relief washed over him. "Thank God."

"Did you two get into a fight?" Joyce asked.

"No, mum. . .Listen, do you have her cell number? I just need to talk to her."

**Thank you everyone!!!**





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