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Chapter 16




Spike was holding a losing hand. Two threes, a one-eyed jack, an eight, and a queen. Lousy. He was losing his shirt to the grinning youths sitting around the table with him. Only two choices were open to him, try to bluff his way through the hand or fold. He hated folding. He hated losing. About ready to lay down his hand, he heard Rico give a long low whistle. Looking up, he found the other guys staring at the far doorway of the room. Giggling the girls were returning with a girl he hadn't seen before. She was worthy of the whistle.

Like an idiot, Spike felt his mouth fall open. It was Buffy. Yet it wasn't. It was the woman Buffy promised to be if she ever let herself bloom. This incarnation was strutting with confidence in her own beauty. Her eyes never left his as she came closer to him. Her eyes never tore away from his and he found himself drowning in the heat radiating from them. Like the night in the gym when she first returned to him. The first night they had sex. Yet this time there was knowledge in those depths that Buffy knew exactly what she wanted.

It was him.

God help him. He wanted her, too.

"Yo Spike, you're showing your cards," Chow said, laughing. "Think you need to give up the game. Cuz', fucker, that hand gonna take you down the toilet."

The others laughed, too. Spike rubbed his face, threw his cards on the table, and chuckled. His face was burning with an honesty he couldn't hide. There wasn't embarrassment or shame in the way he felt, just regrets that he had been too stupid to know when to do the right thing. The mistakes he'd made since Buffy left flashed in front of him like neon signs pointing the way to hell. His own personal hell. The one he created when he let his fear lead the way.

"Whoa Buffy, you looking good," Rico said.

Buffy hesitated. The confidence slipped. Spike could see the uncertainty returning. It made him want to punch Rico for making her feel uncomfortable. It also made him thankful that she wasn't alone with the pervert.

"Watch it," Gunn warned.

Spike flashed him a grateful look, but was surprised to see the warning included him. Buffy had someone else on her side. Someone who would protect her from being hurt. He expected to feel jealous. Instead, he felt grateful. That support would only help her to grow. He needed to accept that Buffy wasn't a little girl in need of protection. She also wasn't a girl out to make up for lost time by dating every man in sight. Nor was she out looking for someone better than him. She was just trying to make it in this world, like him.

"Yeah Rico," Spike said, grinning. "She's not interested in you."

"You sure she wants your ass?"

The question only brought memories of making love to Buffy. It only escalated his hunger for the vision still a half a room away. There wasn't any doubt that she wanted him. Needed him, but that's what scared him. He was afraid he would let her down. Just like he had everyone else who needed him. It wasn't in him to fulfill other's expectations of him. No matter how deeply he wanted to make them happy.

Stiffening, he told himself that he wasn't any good for Buffy. He'd already let her down. The best thing he could do was to stay far away from her. Let her have the freedom to find a young man who could give her everything. Youth, idealism, and most of all the purity of a love not tainted by her horrific past.

He needed a smoke. Standing up, he smiled at the girls. "You look beautiful, Buffy. More grown up than I've ever seen you."

"Thank you," Buffy replied, blushing. She looked over at the other guys for a mere second before she returned her gaze to Spike. Questioning, she searched his face. Probably looking for something more than the indifference he was trying to project. He couldn't let her get her hopes up that this makeover would change things between them.

"I'm going to head up to the roof to smoke," Spike said, nodding at everyone, but avoiding Buffy. If he could have he would have run, but he forced himself to walk to the stairs in the corner. Everyone was staring at him. So much for acting cool. He'd already blown it. No one was going to believe this pitiful act that Buffy wasn't making his skin ache with wanting to touch her. If only he could go back to the day they decided it was best for her to leave. He would beg her to stay. Give in to everything but the logic that ruled him at the time.

He yanked open the door, letting it bang against the cement wall to relieve some of the frustration filling him. It didn't help.

~~~~~~~~~

The rejection stung. Buffy's first reaction was to hide. Wipe off all the makeup and throw on the first pair of sweats she could grab. Anything to hide her dashed hopes of being a normal girl. For a few minutes, in the company of these other women, she almost forgot who she was and the past that would never go away. She almost believed that she had a future with Spike. The only man who knew everything about her. The only one she trusted with all of her.

"Don't you dare," Anita said, putting an arm around her shoulders. "You want him, you fight for him."

"I told you that you were filling her head with fairy tales," Kendra said.

"Shut up Kendra," Anita said. "Sometimes people need a little push."

"Please don't," Buffy said, torn between her emotions and the desire to run. "Just leave it alone."

She pulled away and turned, looking for a way out of this. A way to get back to the carefully controlled life she was living only a week ago. In that life she felt safe behind her barricades and the false security that she could protect herself. It wasn't real, but there she could pretend.

Strong hands grabbed her shoulder making Buffy jump.

"It's just me, little girl," Gunn's voice whispered in her ear. He turned her around to face him. "Take a deep breath."

"I'm sorry Charles," Buffy whispered. "I'm so sorry. I wanted to…I knew there wasn't a chance…and I just couldn't."

"Don't. It's okay. You and me was a dream, nothing real. Nothing like you've got with that man."

"That man doesn’t want me. He just ran away from me."

"That's because he's scared. The kind of love you have for him makes him terrified. Don't blame him. It's hard being somebody's hero. Give him a break. Fight through his walls and let him know that you love him for the man he is, not the man he thinks he has to be for you."

"I don't ask him to be anything but him," Buffy said. She shook her head. "All I need is Spike."

"Even when he makes mistakes? Or do you expect him to always be up on that pedestal only getting down long enough to take care of you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Today in the car, after you freaked, you clung to that man like he was the only thing real in this fucking world. Like he was the only one that could ever make you safe."

"No, I didn't," Buffy protested. It was an automatic response. She didn't want it to be real. No one could live with that kind of pressure. Her eyes fluttered shut as the years unfolded before her eyes including a drawing of Spike with angelic wings she'd drawn when she was in the hospital. An image she still carried to this day.

"Yes you did, baby," Gunn's voice was gentle. "I know you love him, but do you like him?"

"Of course I do," Buffy whispered. "He's my best friend. He got me through so much, helped me."

It sounded so one-sided. She did all the taking. What had she ever done for Spike? Except keep coming into his life and messing it up. He deserved to be with someone who could really love him, like Fred. Someone who met him on an even playing field, not someone who always needed to be rescued.

"It doesn't have to be that way," Anita said, coming up beside them. There was gentleness on her face that reminded Buffy of her mother when she was younger. Before the bad times. Anita stroked Buffy's hair. "I know what you're thinking. That you're always taking from him. I understand, but you don't need him. From what Charles has told me you've proven that you can take care of yourself. Being with him should be because you want to be, not because you don't think you can do it alone."

"I'm always scared," Buffy said. "I'm always checking over my shoulder, always waiting for someone to grab me, it's only when I'm with Spike that I feel safe."

"Everyone's afraid of something," Kendra said with a shrug. "Look around you. Why the hell do you think we're here? Nobody out there really gives a shit about us. So we made our own family."

That was something Buffy understood. Once she could get away from the control of her mother, she ran to Spike and built her own family from the friends she'd met in her own life. They were her support system. More so than the parents who raised her. She loved them, but after keeping her prisoner again, she didn't think she would ever come to fully trust them again. Her mother still tried to find the girl she lost the day Buffy was kidnapped, and her father couldn't face what happened. He still hoped it was a bad dream. So, he often avoided, not only the facts, but her as well.

"It's a good family," Buffy said. "I think the family we find is sometimes better than the family we were born into."

"First thing about you I've found to like," Kendra said.

"Spike is part of my family," Buffy whispered. "He's the only person I completely trust."

"He's breaking your heart," Kendra said.

"Quit with the man hating shit Kendra," Charles barked. "Not every man is your old man," he added more softly. Almost apologetically. "I know I'm not." He reached out to rub Kendra's back. "Spike loves the girl. I've seen the way he looks at her. It's just a heavy burden…"

"What? To be superman?" Anita asked. "Prince Charming? That's what every girl needs."

"Spike tries," Buffy said in his defense. "He's a good man. His mother was sick. Died when he was still young. It really messed with his head."

"See. Exactly what I mean," Charles said. "The dawg can't stand to be needed."

"People," Rico shouted. "We have got Freud in the house tonight. Have a problem? Need your head shrunk? Charles Gunn is the one who can solve it all."

"Shut up," Charles retorted. "You're just upset that the girl didn't turn to your sorry ass for comfort."

"I wouldn't give her comfort," Rico said, grabbing his crotch. "I'd give her something that would make her forget all about that sorry bastard."

"Don’t talk about me like that," Buffy said. Rico frightened her at first. His last remark didn't frighten her. It made her angry. "I don't like you."

"It's got nothing to do with liking, bitch." Rico looked around at the other males gathered around him for the expected support. Some cheered him on, but there were a couple, like Chow, who looked uncomfortable. "It's all about you and me fucking."

"Well, if you couldn't tell, I don't want to fuck you," Buffy said, surprising herself with the strength in her words. She raised her chin a fraction. Racing inside her mind was all the defensive moves she ever learned. Not that it would get that far, but it made her feel stronger.

Anita snickered. "You go girl."

"Rico, quit being an asshole," Kendra added. "Nobody here into your macho stud game. You ain't impressing no one."

"I think the girls are telling you to behave," Charles said with a chuckle.

Buffy could tell Rico was backed into a corner. She changed her stance so she would be ready to defend herself. Hoping to defuse the situation, she changed her tone to say, "Rico, I'm sorry, but I love Spike. I tried being with other men and it didn't work. I want to settle things with Spike first."

"Then you're a fool, girl," Rico said, standing up. "He's not worth your time."

"Maybe, but I have to finish it one way or the other," Buffy said.

"Well, when you're ready for a real man, you come see me."

It was hard to hide the smile. Never in a million years would she ever be attracted to the arrogant street thug who didn't know how to treat women. She hoped the girls in the gang could eventually teach him a few things. It was doubtful, but at least she knew they wouldn't put up with his attitude either.

Rico threw down his cards, grabbed his beer off the table, nodded at a few of the guys and took off to one of the other rooms. Surprisingly without saying another word. Buffy felt relieved that he was gone without any more confrontation.

"See Buffy, you took care of things just fine," Charles said, squeezing her shoulders. "You're not a weak little girl anymore. You just need to make sure that Spike knows that."

"If I'm not weak then why am I shaking?"

"Because the adrenaline's gone," Anita said. "Normal after a fight."

Buffy gave a weak smile. "I still want to turn tail and run."

"You didn't," Kendra said. "You did good."

"Thanks." Buffy let out a whoosh of pent up air. Although, she didn't think Rico was going to forgive her rejection, it was over for now. She was proud of herself for handling the situation the way she did. Maybe Charles was right. She wanted it to be true that she could take care of herself without Spike. Yet she wanted Spike to stand beside her. "I think I'm going to go talk to Spike."

"I think that's a good idea," Anita said.

Smiling, Buffy hugged the other girl. "Thank you. You're a good person." Reaching out she grabbed Kendra to pull her into the hug. "You too."

"Don't forget it either," Kendra said, reluctantly patting Buffy's back.

Buffy didn't protest. It wasn't that long ago, that she didn't want anyone to touch her either, but she wasn't that girl anymore. Hadn't been in a long time, she just hadn't accepted it. It was time she did.

to be continued…





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