Chapter 5
Time wasn’t moving fast enough for Buffy. Sighing, she glanced at the clock again. It was only fifteen minutes later than it was before. Rolling over, she buried her face in the pillow while once again wishing she were home in her apartment. Not only home, but in her own bed with the down comforter, the big fluffy pillows that always surrounded her and the nightlight giving a reassuring glow throughout the room. The unfamiliar noises coming from both outside and inside the house along with the sounds of other people moving around close by made her jump with each jarring cough, laugh or even the subtle rhythm of their voices. It made it hard to sleep any place other than her bed.
Eventually she was going to have to make an appearance downstairs or even stick her nose of her room so they would know she was all right. Right now, though she would rather hide as long as possible. Not because she didn’t like the people she was sequestered with, but rather that she wanted to avoid one person. Spike. Along with all the confusing emotions he brought to her heart and mind. It was wrong for her to want him still. Yet her body only needed to be close to him to have it jumpstart into a warm sensual haze. She loved him. No matter how much she tried, it couldn’t be avoided. Unlike her overwhelming feelings, Spike on the other hand, would be avoided as much as possible.
A gentle knock on the door made her flop over on her back so she could peek at the door from under the scratchy material someone called sheets. “Yes,” she called out softly, hoping she’d been mistaken.
“Buffy, can I come in?”
It was Cassie. At first Buffy felt disappointment that Spike wasn’t there to check up on her. Then there was relief that she didn’t have to face him after that declaration last night. What did a girl say to a man she desperately wanted when he was engaged to another woman but was giving you signals that he wanted you, too? Nothing that would bring about any good, so it all came back to avoidance. Cassie knocking on the door granted her a little more time of being able to avoid everyone else.
“Sure.” Buffy scooted up so that she was sitting with her back against the headboard. Cassie stepped through the door with a shy smile. A steaming mug in her hands sent the rich scent of coffee toward Buffy. She grinned. “I hope that’s for me.”
“I wasn’t sure how you took it, but the others told me. I hope that you like it.”
“I’m sure I will.” Buffy took the mug, holding it under her nose for a moment before taking a sip. “Mmmh, perfect. Thank you.” When she realized that Cassie was waiting for something, Buffy patted the bed next to her. “Sit…if you want.”
“Thanks.”
For a couple of minutes there was silence between the two girls. Buffy drank her coffee, while Cassie played with the corner of the bedspread. Folding it, and then unfolding it.
“What’s everyone doing?”
It wasn’t what either of them wanted to talk about, but Buffy knew it was a beginning. Something easy until one of them got the nerve up to say what was truly on their mind.
“All worrying about you.” Cassie met Buffy’s eyes for a brief second before looking back at her hands still playing with the bedclothes. “Spike keeps pacing and glancing at the ceiling. Kate tells him to calm down, but then she gets this scrunched up face. Lorne keeps telling everyone to leave the Cupcake alone; she’ll come down when she’s ready.”
Buffy laughed, but quickly sobered. She rubbed her forehead. Worrying them wasn’t her intention, but a part of her knew that they would. They always did. “I shouldn’t have stayed up here. I just wanted to, well, hide. From all of it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” Buffy squeezed Cassie’s shoulder. “I’m just not really good at dealing with quick changes in my life. As my therapist would say, I like very solid, very high boundaries. Jumping off the cliff is not my thing. It’s the way I mess things up.” Like my relationship with Spike. Except that wasn’t jumping off the cliff. That was a carefully calculated move that had escalated to the point where she jumped off the cliff. By the time she’d hit bottom, she’d lost what meant the most to her in the world.
“I know that feeling.” Cassie said, flashing a rare smile. “All I wanted was to be loved, and jumped at the first guy who said I was the best thing in the world, and now look at me.”
“You’re doing the right thing now.”
Cassie shrugged. “Am I? All I wanted was to run away. Like you said, hide, but instead I get you and your friends involved.”
“He would have found you if you’d try to run on your own.”
“Probably.” Cassie shifted on the bed so that she was looking toward Buffy. “No, he would have and I would be dead.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t think he ever loved me. I was just someone for him to play with until things got difficult.”
“I know its cliché, but you’re better off without him. Once this is over you’ll be able to start a new life, and find someone who’ll love you the way you deserve.”
“I guess.” Cassie shrugged. “I should feel lucky. Some people don’t get that chance. Like that guy Luke killed. He’s never going to be able to do anything again.”
“You’re right.” She was, and Buffy knew it. Buffy also knew that she should be grateful that at least she’d been really loved at one time. Few got that chance. “We should feel lucky. It is a shame that some people just blow their chances.” Like me. She sighed softly. “At least his death will be avenged.”
“Oh, please,” Cassie scoffed. “The cops are after my boyfriend’s bosses. They couldn’t care less about the guy who was murdered. They think he deserved what he got.”
“The cops have all the information you gave them on him. I’m sure they’re going to find out what happened.”
Cassie emphatically shook her head. “No, they won’t. When they questioned me, it was all about Luke and his bosses. They finally hope they have a lead on who is bringing the drugs into the country that the poor boy is forgotten in the plan for a big bust.”
“He was a drug dealer, Cassie.” Buffy reminded the girl beside her. “Lots of people were hurt by him, too. Possibly even died. Does he really deserve a lot of attention when they can stop the people who gave him the drugs in the first place?”
“At some point in his life, he was important to someone. Someone who might still be waiting for him to get clean and come home. They’ll be waiting forever if nobody gives a damn. Is it fair to them?”
No, it wasn’t. Just like it wasn’t fair to forget about Faith. Unwittingly, Cassie had used the one point that Buffy wouldn’t be able to resist. She sighed as she pushed her hair out of her face. The decision was made. The cops could handle the big criminals, but it seemed like Buffy was going to be finding out about the murdered boy. Now, all she had to do was convince Spike to help her. It was only with his help and connections that she had any chance of getting to the truth. She took a long drink of her now cool coffee as she tried to decide how to approach him.
~~~~~~
Buffy had all of Spike’s attention even though she was nowhere in sight. Since the night before when he’d foolishly put his heart on the line, she’d been consuming his every thought. He wanted to talk to her, to find out where he stood, to find out if she gave a damn and it wasn’t just a one-way obsession.
Guilt bombarded him on every side. Reminding him that he had a fiancée waiting for him, and that he shouldn’t be thinking about Buffy. Or remembering the way she felt or her smile or even her innocent questions as she fumbled her way back into life. The whole situation was fucked up. Just like he was.
Despite all the women he once paraded through his life, the relationships that failed all around him and all his protestations to the contrary, Spike wanted to be loved. From the time he knew his father wouldn’t, and his mother couldn’t, he’d felt less than worthy of it. It was only Angel and Cordelia’s steady support in his life that gave him that thread to hang onto for the hope of finding someone. Now, he had someone.
True, in the beginning, Fred had just been like the others. A friend with benefits and no talk of a future before they drifted apart. Then Buffy had changed his world, his life, made him believe for the first time and then broke his heart. It was just like before, except this time Fred had been more than a friend. She’d loved him, and he wanted to love her like she should be with all of his heart. An innocent in his stupid fumbling attempts to repair his shattered ego was only going to end up hurt.
Laying his head on the back of the chair, he tossed the book he’d tried to read on the floor. It wasn’t going to work. He wasn’t going to be distracted by it or anything else in this house. Not until he saw Buffy again. Maybe he’d see the distaste in her eyes when she looked at him. It would help because if she did then he could call himself all sorts of a fool for caring when he shouldn’t. Not when she stopped loving him a long time ago.
Why did he answer his phone when Buffy called? Why couldn’t he let go of her? It was what they’d both agreed to once, but now she was in his life full force again. Being with her should only remind him of all the reasons they couldn’t work. It should make him realize that he needed a grown woman who knew what she wanted. Yet, it didn’t.
“Spike?”
He jerked his head up as Buffy stepped into the room. She was freshly showered. Her damp hair tumbled over her shoulders in abandoned sensuality. The scent of her shampoo teased his nostrils with its sweetness. It was one thing that was always Buffy to him. The varied fragrances of her bath time rituals always left him wanting to bury his face against the softness of her skin. He inhaled deeply, deciding that this time it was melon mixed with something else, making him imagine long lazy summer days lying in the sun with her beside him.
“You okay?” She asked, coming to sit on the ottoman by his feet.
“Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.” He shook his head trying to dispel the wayward thoughts that would only lead to trouble for both of them. “What’s up?”
“I need your help.”
A warning bell went off in his mind at the frightened, yet steely expression on her face. Just like the first time she walked into the squad room. He knew it was going to be something he wouldn’t want to do or it was going to embroil them in a situation they should leave well enough alone.
“With what?”
Sighing, he knew his heart had betrayed him. Because if he was smart, he would say no, and keep saying no, but for some reason he sat there. Waiting like a dog for a treat from his master. Or someone waiting for an excuse to engage in activities that he shouldn’t. Buffy was temptation all by herself. So, how could he resist her, much less any of her schemes?
“I’ve been talking to Cassie.” She looked at him from under her lashes with her hair framing her face in delicate golden strands. The ethereal vision she made hit him in the stomach with all the love he’d been denying. Gripping his knees with white knuckled hands, he waited for her to continue. He was afraid if he opened his mouth, he’d end up on his knees begging her to love him again. “She’s worried that the man who Luke murdered will remain a John Doe. No one should end up like that.”
“Buffy, this is something the police will handle.” He said with all the patience that he would when explaining things to his nephew, Connor. “The only thing you need to worry about is getting through all of this, and getting home safely.”
“Bullshit, Spike.” Buffy tossed her hair back while her eyes danced with a blaze of determination. Her outright curse was unexpected, surprising him with its vehemence. Despite his heart, it reminded him that he didn’t really know this version of the girl who changed his life. “No one is going to care. They want to bust the big guys not solve the one little murder of an addict. You’re a cop. You know I’m right.”
“Maybe, you are, but it’s not your concern. Peterson was locked up when you searched for Faith. These guys aren’t. They’ll kill you without a second thought if you’re lucky. If you’re not then you’ll wish you were.”
“Not anymore, Spike.” She quieted, staring into his eyes, capturing his attention with their intensity. “I lived through hell before. So, don’t try to scare me…or patronize me. A little computer searching won’t hurt anyone. That’s all I want to do. Someone has to care that he’s gone.”
“And if no one does?”
“Then I do.”
If she did, then he did. Spike hung his head. He shouldn’t help her with this crazy idea, but it was Buffy. With a nod, he whispered, “Okay. I’ll help.” He glanced up at her waiting for a smug expression of triumph, but instead was surprised. She was smiling. A full one that highlighted the twinkle of delight dancing from her eyes. Oh, she was triumphant all right, but it seemed that it surprised her that she was able to do it. He found himself grinning back and shaking his head at the wonder of Buffy coming even more into her own. No matter what he thought he wanted, or what was right, his heart was making up its own mind.
To be continued…
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