Chapter 5
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll soon find out” they walked for five minutes
“Willy’s Bar – but this is the first place I’d have thought you’d have checked out” Reasoned Angel
“I DID – didn’t get anywhere at first, now the trail leads here, but you must keep your mouth shut, let me do the talking okay?”
“But I thought it wasn’t anything to do with alcohol – so why Willy’s bar?”
Spike stopped walking, exasperated at Angel’s questions
“Look, do you want ‘in’ on this thing or not, s’up to you, I could just as easily do this on my o-“
“No, no, come on, we’re here now”
They stood outside the entrance; Spike had his hand on the door pull
“Just remember, I’LL do the talking”
Angel held his hands up
“Okay, okay – I’ll just get us a table”
“Good, now come on, we’ve wasted enough time”
Spike caught Willy’s eye and winked at the barman without Angel noticing, and Willy poured two large Scotches, very carefully placing a hair into the one glass on the right
Spike took them off the counter
“$5, Spike”
“Put it on my tab”
“Spike you don’t have a…” Willy sighed and threw his bar towel over his shoulder and collected some empty glasses with a sigh.
“Scotch – don’t you think we need to keep us a clear head?” Angel asked quietly
“What do you want to sit there with, a club soda? Trying to look mean here mate, one double won’t hurt” Angel looked at his drink, and then frowned…
“So, what are we – ew – bloody hair in it…(he fished it out) um, what are we waiting for?”
“Fuck’s sake, have some bleedin’ patience will ya?” Spike hissed back at Angel, who, despite not having touched a drop of alcohol felt slightly dizzy, and rubbed his eyes with fingers that still had the hair from the glass attached to it………
***********
Earlier on that evening, when Spike was supposedly looking for his none-existent friend the Styk demon, he’d made his way to Willy’s bar, taking the back alley, Spike leapt on the dustbins and onto the high wall that looked down over the back of the club, where a strange sight met his eye. Two people, wearing paper anti-contamination suits, thick glasses and gloves were combing what looked like an extremely hairy little troll – sort of like cousin ‘IT’ from the Addam’s family, only without the Pantene shine or sleekness…Willy opened the back door and said something, and the one person cleaned their comb out of the loose hair and put it in a plastic bag that was well over half full with combed out hair and gave it to Willy, who was grinning…
Spike jumped down off the wall and went into the bar.
Willy came from out back, and was just about to greet his latest patron at the bar, when he saw it was Spike…who rested his elbow on the counter and beckoned him with a menacing looking finger…
“C’mere, you”
“Um, oh SPIKE – It’s um, it’s er…it’s, it’s you – hello, long time, no – ggerkkkk- ow, OW, YOU GOT ME SKIN – OW”
“What’s going on?”
“OW! Don’t – don’t know what you ow, Ow, OW, OHHHHHHHHHHHH that hurts!”
“S’meant to…now, I’m only gonna ask you once more – I’ve seen out the back by the way, so let’s try again, (he took a firmer grip of Willy’s shirt front)
“What’s going on?”
Okay, look – come out back” Willy opened the flap in the counter and Spike went behind the bar and followed Willy out the back
“Well?”
“The thing you saw – you gotta believe me Spike, I only just got it today!”
“Like I believe you - I DO read the papers you know, that things been here four days at least!”
“No it hasn’t! Not here, it was roaming free, my cousins Barry and Denny caught it this morning”
Spike gave Willy a hard stare, but decided to let him carry on before he bust his nose…
“What the fuck is it?”
“It’s an Inebris”
“A WHAT – what’s one of those when they’re at ‘ome?”
It’s a troll, who eats nothing but fruit or vegetables, which in turn his body turns into alcohol – it spends it’s entire life absolutely shit-faced drunk – it’s totally harmless unless you touch it, or it’s fur – but the thing is, now, late summer/early fall, when it starts to moult, you know, shed it’s fur, anybody who comes into contact with it gets drunk - the longer the contact with the hair, the drunker the person will feel – it just floats in the air like gossamer, blows in the wind…and by me collecting it – well, I’m doing the community a favour – did you see how much damage those students did in the park fountain and the boating lake!”
“What you mean is, you little creep, it’s a chance for you to cash in on a get rich quick scheme – bloody hell – I mean Willy, you water the booze down enough, and now you’re telling me, that a touch from Hairy Mary out there is enough to render anyone feeling like they’ve just downed a bottle or two of Scotland’s finest, and it doesn’t cost you a penny - hmm?”
Willy had a pained expression tried again for the ‘innocent victim’ ploy
“Give me a break Spike, poor thing’s had his home ripped up”
“What?”
“Do you know those vineyards and orange orchards, over Merrydale way? (Spike nodded, Willy continued)
“Well, they ripped them up, grapes and oranges weren’t growing because of the pollution from the new airport runways – so the poor thing lost his home, and source of food”
“Really – my heart bleeds. It’s got to go Willy”
“But, if I keep it locked up and my cousins will brush it and-“
“Willy…”
“But Spike, I assure you that-“
“NEVER make me promises you can’t keep Willy, coz it bothers me things like that, now I’ll say this just one more, before I write it on a plank and smack you round the head with it, Hairy Mary has GOT to go, he/she/it’s attracting the wrong sort around here, and the gen pop are involved, it’s in the papers every night. Oh, and did I mention, the slayer’s been in bed with a hangover this last 48 hours, now what do you think she’d say, if she found out it was down to you she had the mother of all hangovers, hmm? – Shall I tell you? Well, for a start, she’d probably rip your arms off and beat you senseless with the soggy end, that’s what”
Willy gulped and started to shake, any mention of the slayer had that effect on him…
“I tell you what, I’ll let your cousins find somewhere safe for the troll to go – and you can do what you like with it, as long – now I hope you are listening to me hear Willy, AS LONG as whenever I come into this den of iniquity, I want the real McCoy to drink, not the watered or tampered stuff, is that clear – I said is that –“
“YES! As crystal yeah, okay, but you won’t tell the slayer that-“
“What’s that?” Spike shushed him cocking an ear
“What’s what?”
“That music…what’s going on in the back room Willy?” Spike went to stride on to go have a look when Willy barred his way
“I can hear strippers music!” Spike said
“NOT REAL strippers, Spike, ha-ha”
Spike scowled at the weasely little barman
“What do you mean, not real strippers, what are they then, holograms?”
Willy swallowed and said
“Look, they’re harmless, live and let live, you know – they draw a crowd and well, it pays”
“What are they?” Spike asked menacingly
“Tranny’s”
“WHAT?”
“Transsexuals! Both pre and post op – some of ‘em, I swear you couldn’t, well tell unless – look please Spike, no tranny bashing!”
“I wouldn’t dream of it!” Spike blinked and looked affronted!
“No?” Willy asked with trepidation
“No, like you said, live and let live, each to their own, personally, does nothing for me…red blooded male and all that…”
“Course Spike, ha-ha, goes without saying!” Willy nodded rapidly, and gulped when Spike put an arm chummily round his shoulder………
“Willy, you’re going to do me a favour”
“I am?” Willy felt shaky and sick, his heart sank to his boots; he fingered the neck of his grubby shirt nervously grimacing and biting his bottom lip, Spike continued
“Oh yes – I‘ve got this mate – well not mate exactly, acquaintance more like…now I know for a FACT that he loves anything like this - but he’s just too shy and much with the old guilt and inhibitions – it was his Catholic upbringing, but I digress…he hardly drinks so this is where you come in with the old magic hair – I’ll bring him in later – I’m presuming there’s a late set on with these um, strippers?” Willy nodded
“Good, so look, I’ll bring him in, buy him one drink, you do the old hair thingy and when he’s mellowed out, take him through to the back room – show him a good time – perhaps you could even get him to join in…get him dressed up – the full works, makeup the lot, he’d be well, it would make him so happy, and if you video it, I promise not to tell Razor and his gang of Hellions what you’ve been up to”
Willy’s knees nearly went and he made a funny little noise at the name ‘Razor’…
“Yeah?”
“Yeah”
“And if I do this, you promise not to say a word to the slayer either?”
“Scouts honour” Spike held up three fingers
“Get this friend of-“
“Acquaintance” Spike corrected
“Sorry, acquaintance. Get this acquaintance of yours dressed up and involved in the set and video it”
“That’s the ticket”
Willy didn’t have any choice…he knew Spike was setting this guy up, and Spike probably knew that Willy knew that too, but if Willy played his cards right, if things got out of hand, he’d only have to rub some more hair on the guy and dump him somewhere – he’d never know where he’d been…
“Right-ho, see you later then, I’ll order two Scotches, put the hair in the right hand one okay?”
Willy nodded an Spike left – deliriously happy at this turn of events…now all he had to do was to check that Willy was telling the truth about this troll’s hair, what did he call it – an Inebris – of course, when drunk you are inebriated! With a spring in his step Spike made for home………
*************
“Shpike…oi, Shpike…I haven’ tushed a drop, an I feel…” Angel looked at Spike owlishly, and Spike looked over to Willy as Angel began to slump
“Remember what I said Willy”
Willy nodded, and with the help of one of his cousins, Willy carried Angel into the back room.
Spike left, he had an hour to waste, so he walked around did a patrol and went home.
“Where’s Angel?” Willow asked
“Huh – you tell me – we were in Willy’s waiting for this contact to show, I’m talking to somebody – all of a sudden, no Angel – god knows where he’s gone – I’ve searched all the graveyards, the back of the station, the boating lake and park – he’s nowhere to be found – I was hoping he’d just come back here”
“Well, do you think we should go look for him?”
“Nah – he’s big enough and ugly enough to look after himself!”
“Spike! You did ask him here to help!” Willow chided
Spike sighed and said,
“I know, but can I just have a breather – I’m knackered all this running around, patrolling as well – I can’t do everything and baby-sit Peaches too!”
“I think Spike’s right, he’s got enough on his plate without Angel going freelance and walkabout on him, it’s not fair!”
“Why thankyou Glinda!”
Tara opened her mouth, but Spike stopped her
“I know, I know, it’s Tara, but I think Glinda suits you better!” He winked at her and they both grinned
“Well, I suppose – so did you get to see this contact at all?” Willow asked
“Nah, didn’t show, but I’ve been thinking, during the days of prohibition, there was something about…god it was so long ago now………there was this creature – people used to have parties, and for the price of an apple or a cabbage or a few carrots, the creature used to eat the fruit or veg, and if you patted it, you’d get drunk…blowed if I can remember what it’s called though………it was good because even if the party was raided, the authorities wouldn’t find any booze”
“That sounds promising – try and think – want some tea?”
“Yeah, love some, before I hit the road again and look for Mr Disappearing Act”
He also went upstairs to check on his beloved and found she’d drank all the water he’d left her, so he refilled the carafe and glass for her
When he came downstairs, he found the witches doing research, Willow was looking up stuff about prohibition and speak-easy’s………
“Any luck with the name yet?”
“Still thinking pet…Ebit…Erate – it’ll come to me, don’t worry”
(DING-DONG)
“Oh, this might be Angel back!” Spike went to the door, to find Anya, Hallie and a very drunk Angel, wearing full makeup, a blue sequined boob-tube and a black leather mini-skirt and fishnet stockings – he was also sporting a curly blonde wig and high-heels
“Somebody to do with you – why didn’t you TELL me my lawyer was a closet transvestite?” Anya demanded
Spike did all he could not to laugh at Angel, he tried to look suitably shocked, Willow and Tara came to the door, saw Angel and were totally gob-smacked!
“IT’S RAININ’ MEN! S’up to you, New York, New York - Hally-lu-le-li lo…did it MMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, WWAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! ”
Angel tried to do a series of high-kicks, but only succeeded in one of his huge stiletto heels flying off and hitting next door’s car that was parked on the drive.
“Angel, for gods sake keep it down will you – what the hell happened to you?”
“Well, were off, and tell this weirdo I should report him or something, have him disbarred or whatever” Anya tossed her hair and went to walk down the path
“Anya…just a minute” Willow heard Spike ask Anya if she knew the name of the creature he already knew the name of very well…
“Oh, you mean an Inebris – gods of course! Well – I haven’t seen one of those lushes for many a year – do you reckon that’s what has been causing all this – you could be right – anyway, bye – places to be, men to shred” Spike came rushing back up the path grinning -
“That’s it Willow, Tara, an Inebris – like inebriated – drunk!”
They all went inside and the two girls consulted the Ars Daemonicus, found out all about it…
There was a crashing outside and Spike jumped up
“Shit – I forgot about Angel – bloody hell, the neighbour’s will go spare!”
They got him inside – and left him lying on the floor
Buffy came down stairs
“What on earth is all that noi – oh. My. God!” she’d spied Angel
She looked at Spike
“What happened to him?”
Spike held his hands up innocently
“I swear to you kitten – I was here when this happened to him – I’ve done absolutely nothing to him!” Spike said, truthfully!
“He didn’t Buffy, honest!” Willow said, and Tara nodded in agreement
“Don’t worry, I believe you! God, he’s going to be awfully upset when he comes round”
“I’ll say!” Spike said grinning
“Not just being dressed up either, coz I’m gonna have to tell him blue’s not his colour and he hasn’t got the legs for that mini-skirt!”
Everybody laughed, and Xander’s head appeared from under the cover on the sofa
“Great merciful Zeus!”
“I know whelp, somebody who looks worse than you do – if that’s possible!”
********************
“Oh, ha-ha, deadboy, what do you mean, worse than…” Xander cut himself short when he noticed the huge bra he was wearing over his jumper, and then he gingerly raised his hand to his head and snatched off whatever it was he was wearing…orange underpants…he noticed too, strange dried purple blotches on his skin. He swallowed nervously before asking,
“Um…wh-whose are these?”
“You mean YOU don’t know – EW XANDER!” Willow grimaced at him
“What’s all this purple stuff dried on me…was it that what caused me to feel ill?”
“Nope, that would be dried washing detergent foam” Spike said, and Xander frowned and replied,
“But it’s purple!”
“Well, one of your little friends put potassium permanganate crystals in the fountain, along with the washing det-“
“Fountain – what fountain, what little friends, Spike what are you - ?”
“Here- read this, see, that’s you, and your band of hooligans - Memorial Fountain, Veteran’s Park…disgusting I call it, desecrating a monument dedicated to the country’s finest!’ ” Spike passed him the newspaper, which Xander read, then he groaned…
“Want some coffee, Xander?” Tara asked helpfully, and feeling real sorry for himself, Xander just nodded
“Well, now your at least compos mentis again whelp, shift yourself, we have another casualty, and by the look of things, his need is greater than yours, and he’s in the way by the door………although why I’m in the least bit even bothered to help the wanker, I do not know………”
With Willow’s help, they got Angel on the sofa, Xander sat in one of the armchairs, blanket round him, sipping coffee looking like some tragic refugee!
“We’ve found out what was causing it, babe, it’s called an Inebris…it’s hair was the problem” Spike informed his wife.
“Really – great, will it be hard to kill?”
“Oh, it’s gone already, don’t worry, and it won’t be back” Spike re-assured his wife
“Damn well hope not…so, what was the wretched thing?” Spike went onto explain, and she read for herself what it said in the Ars Daemonicus.
There was a sudden loud snore from the direction of the den………
“What on earth?” Buffy began, and she went over to the sliding doors and opened one…
“Clem too huh?”
“Oh god, I forgot about him…I couldn’t turf him out babe, not after what he did, bringing you home, I swear when he bought you here, carrying you, you looked so lifeless and………” Spike just cuddled up, he couldn’t speak anymore - bear the thought of her not being with him…
Buffy returned the hug and she whispered softly,
“Did you think something nasty had got me?” Spike just nodded and Buffy sort his mouth and kissed him
“I’m always so careful – I just don’t know what happened, one minute I was patrolling the next, there’s a slight breeze, and I feel giddy, then sick, then I’ve got trouble walking straight, and suddenly everything seemed ridiculously funny, I was right by your old place…I tripped over an urn…then Clem calls me, then I’m kinda not remembering anything after that…we’ll have to thank him properly…get him something”
“He ate all the Chinese I cooked…took the rest home with him, don’t worry”
“So, what do you think happened with Angel then?” Buffy asked, quietly closing the den door behind them.
Spike just shrugged.
The following evening, Wesley came to take Angel home, Buffy and Spike had taken Clem home, he was fine, they patrolled.
*****************
Three Weeks later…
Buffy and Spike came in from patrolling to find Willow sitting with a large brown envelope next to her.
“Everything okay Red – I thought you wasn’t going to stay up?”
“I wasn’t, only about half an hour after you’d gone, there was a knock at the door”
“Oh, who was it?”
Willow shrugged and said,
“I don’t know, when I opened it, there was nobody there, but this was on the mat”
She handed Spike a large brown envelope
“Well the only way to find out what it is, is to play it I suppose!”
Willow sat down on an the arm of the armchair, Buffy and Spike cuddled on the sofa, Spike put the cassette in the video player and pressed play on the remote control.
The scene opened to the show the back of many demons heads, and then in a gap between tables it stopped and showed a stage. The atmosphere was dark and smoky, the stage was brightly lit and the background of gold and silver sparkly curtains. On stage was the weirdest looking creature, like a shaved troll, wearing long false eyelashes and a pink and white dress, singing
‘My Boy Lollipop’ ………demon after demon went up on stage, all dressed to kill in female clothing, even though it was obvious they were male………
The compere introduced the next act…
“Now boys and girls, I’d like you to put your hands together and give a big warm welcome to a newcomer, she’s going to do a Shirley Bassey number for your enjoyment, and she calls herself ‘Burly Chassis’ – got THAT right girl – so go ahead, give it up for, Miss…Burly – Chassis!”
Buffy, Spike and Willow sat there, open mouthed, before absolutely collapsing with fits of uncontrollable giggles………
The spotlight picked out Angel, back to the audience looking over his shoulder...he sang out… “Minute you walked in the joint…da-da!” he swung his butt in time to the music, MUCH to the appreciation of the audience…
After totally mangling the song to death – not that the audience minded, he was a HUGE hit with them as he stumbled off the stage, where he practically fell into Razor’s lap. Razor not wanting to miss the opportunity began to grope the so-called ‘singer’ and sat him firmly on his lap………
After 40 minutes the tape ended………
Everyone had tears of laughter coursing down their cheeks………
“He’ll NEVER live this down!” Willow said, delicately wiping her eyes
“I hope not – fancy that, Angel as Razor’s bitch!”
Eventually Buffy said,
“Now don’t get me wrong when I ask this babe, but have you ANY idea as to the venue of that”?
Spike shook his head and said,
“Babe, I’ve NEVER seen that room before in my entire existence” (which was true)
“So what are we going to do with it?”
“I’ll just send it onto him” Spike said shrugging, and Buffy nodded.
The following afternoon…
“Where is it?”
“The video - I mailed it”
“Did you put ‘For the Attention of Angel’ at the beginning, before the address?” Buffy asked
“No, I just addressed it to Wolfram and Hart – he’ll still get it, he is the boss, so he greatly enjoys telling us”
“Yeah but, you know what it means now, don’t you?”
Spike played dumb
“What, what means, pet?”
“Well, it means my darling, that it’ll be opened by Harmony now…and you know how nosy and what a gossip-monger she is, I’ll bet you she watches it first!”
“Oh darn, I didn’t think of that!” Both Buffy and Spike began to giggle
The End – (for now)!
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Enjoy - New fic on it's way