Buffy didn't stop now that she knew he was awake. Instead, she increased her efforts, continuing until he'd spent himself in her mouth.
Spike panted, fighting to catch unnecessary breath, and Buffy crawled back up his body to nuzzle against his chest. She said nothing, but Spike held on to her, wondering for a moment if he possibly hadn't woken up at all, and this was a very pleasant dream. Buffy waking him up with a blowjob was the sort of thing he'd thought would only happen in a dream, after all.
But this felt too real to be anything but, and Spike wondered if he could hold on to the hope he'd started to feel the night before. It had felt like a breakthrough, a genuine turning point in their relationship, but with Buffy, that could mean absolutely nothing. Sometimes he had to bite his tongue to keep from asking her exactly how many people she had in that head of hers.
Knowing that talking could drive her good mood away, but needing to risk it anyway, Spike asked her, "What brought that on, kitten?"
From beside him, Buffy shrugged. "I just wanted to. Did you like it?"
"Very much," Spike replied, brushing a kiss against her forehead.
She looked up into his eyes and asked, "Not something you'd call a 'joke?'"
Spike fought back the urge to grin. If what he'd said the night before had gotten to her that much, then it must've actually meant something to her. "No, baby. Not a joke at all. I love everything we do together. You're amazing. I didn't mean anything to the contrary last night."
Buffy bit her lip in a way that made Spike really want to kiss her, though he held back because he could tell she wanted to say something. "Then what did you mean?" she asked.
He thought for a moment, trying to determine how exactly to answer that. If he was honest with her, then she could very easily go into another one of her moods and ruin what seemed to be happening right then. But if he didn't, then it would just remain festering between them, and possibly lead to another large blow-up later.
"I meant the way you jerk me around." Buffy opened her mouth to protest, but Spike silenced her when he spoke again quickly. "Let me finish. You asked me what I meant, so I'm telling you. Our sex life is a constant point of argument with us, Buffy. I know you enjoy being with me, but then you fight it, too, and you go cold on me. I spend half my time trying to guess what I can and can't do with you. Sometimes you immediately give into what's between us, and sometimes you fight it. I can't find a bloody pattern to it, and every time I touch you I have to deal with the fear that you're going to reject me. You bounce me back and forth like a rubber ball, and I got tired of it a long time ago."
Buffy was stiff in his arms. "Our relationship is the way it is because of you, Spike. I keep rejecting you because you're a vampire, and I don't want to be involved with a vampire."
"Well you are!" Spike sat up, taking a moment to hold on to his tenuous control. Yelling at Buffy would get him nowhere. "Look, we've gone back and forth about this for days now. I'm a vampire, you hate vampires—yeah, I got it. But we both are what we are, Buffy. Nothing's going to change that. My heart isn't going to miraculously start beating, and this bond between us isn't going to go away. You're going to be my mate for a very, very long time. And if I have to do that constantly walking on eggshells, then I'm going to end up as crazy as Drusilla."
"And you what, think this is all easy for me?" Buffy snapped. "You think feeling this sort of thing for a vampire doesn't make me feel like I'm going crazy?"
"No. I know this is hard for you, luv, and I also know that I haven't done much to make it any easier for you. And I'm sorry for that—I really am. But you're going to have to bend a little." Spike sighed. "Look, I'm not asking you to love me. I've already accepted that being with you means going the rest of my days without love. But can you at least like me? A little bit? Enough to just stop fighting the physical aspect of our relationship? Please, Buffy…"
Buffy opened her mouth to comment on the fact that he seemed to be telling her that their relationship would be fine with him as long as she gave him sex whenever he wanted it, when something else he'd said stuck in her head. There had been a look in his eyes when he said he'd accepted going without love, and something about it made her sad. Could love really be that important to a vampire? And if it was, then what had he sacrificed by claiming her?
Until that moment, Buffy had never tried to picture things from his side. He'd done this to her, so if anything bad happened to him because of it, it was his own fault and therefore, what he deserved. But now, she suddenly realized what he must've given up. She didn't like to admit it, but she knew Spike was in love with her. She didn't understand it, and it went against everything she'd ever believed about vampires, but when she was completely honest with herself, she had to admit that was what she felt from him through the claim. It was strong, and it was real.
So if Spike could love her, then vampires must be capable of love, at least in some way. Which meant Drusilla must have loved him. She'd been with him for over a century, after all. By choosing in an emotion-charged moment to claim her as his to protect her from Angelus, Spike had lost Drusilla, and along with that anything the other woman had felt for him.
Their relationship must've been more of a strain on Spike than Buffy realized. He'd gone from someone who loved him back to someone who couldn't even accept what he was. Not that she thought that meant she should accept him because hey, vampire and all, but still, it couldn't be easy for him.
She looked down at her hands and spoke softly. "I'm sorry I can't be for you what she was. I just can't be, Spike. I don't mean to be jerking you around, but my own emotions are jerking me around. When you're touching me, everything else goes away, and all I know is that I want you inside of me, but then afterwards I remember what you are, and I'm disgusted with myself."
"Yeah, I've kinda picked up on that," Spike said. "But you're only causing yourself more trouble, Buffy. You're not going to stop wanting me, so you might as well just accept it. It'll save yourself a lot of emotional drain. And what did you mean by you can't be what she was?"
"Drusilla. I can't love you like she did." Buffy looked up and frowned at his response to that. "Why are you laughing?"
"Dru never loved me, pet. Not anymore than she loved those freaky little dolls of hers. I was another toy to her, a plaything to either enjoy or be cross with, depending on her whim." Spike chuckled softly. "Maybe I should just shut up about your mood swings. They're nothing compared to hers."
"So our relationship is actually better than the one you had with her?"
"Sad isn't it?"
"Just a little." The corner of Buffy's mouth twitched up in the beginnings of a smile, but after a moment, she sobered again. "I wish I could accept everything I feel for you, Spike. I know things would be easier that way. But I just can't. You're a vampire. You're a killer."
"I'm not killing anymore," Spike pointed out.
Buffy sighed. "You stopped less than a week ago. And it's not like I have any real proof you won't kill again."
"I won't, Buffy. I promise you, I won't."
"I'm sorry, Spike, but your promise isn't good enough for me. You don't even have a soul."
Spike's head went down and he waited a moment before he said almost inaudibly, "I could get one. If that would make it easier for you."
Buffy was taken aback by the offer, but she soon replied, "How? It's not like you can go buy one down at the local Wal-Mart."
He looked at her again. "Angelus got one."
"Yeah, and from what I saw back in Sunnydale, a lot of good it did him, too." Buffy let out a slow breath. "If you got a soul, it wouldn't help anything. You'd still be a vampire and it wouldn't undo anything you've done in the past. You'd still have blood on your hands. My problem with being with you, Spike, isn't about the future. Even if you never kill again, you still have in the past. You've murdered countless people, and that's not something I'm okay with. You having a soul isn't going to change that for me."
"I'm not asking you to be okay with it. If you were, you wouldn't be the woman I fell in love with. You're good, pet, and as much as you hate me for being evil, I love you for being good. It's ironic and insane, I know, but it's the truth. You…god, you glow. But can't you just accept that I'm doing the best I can for you? I'm trying, Buffy. I'm trying so hard. All I want in the world is to make you happy. If I could walk out in the sunlight right now and let myself dust knowing it wouldn't hurt you, too, I would, just to give you your freedom back."
Buffy's scream of "No!" surprised them both, and Spike looked at her sharply. "Pet?"
"Don't…don't talk about being dust. Please, Spike. And don't…don't try to make me analyze why that bothers me or rub it in my face or whatever, but it does, so just…please…"
"Yeah, all right, no analyzing." A grin pushed at his mouth and he couldn't fight it.
Buffy looked at him. "You're smiling. Stop it."
"Can't help it. You like me."
"Do not!" Buffy said, a little too quickly.
"Do, too. You'd miss me if I was dust. You like me."
Buffy slapped his shoulder, though there wasn't a lot of effort put into the action. "Shut up. This is rubbing my face in it."
"No it isn't. Then I'd be taunting you about it, which I'm not. I'm just happy to know that you like me."
Buffy let her hair cover part of her face as she held her thumb and index finger a small ways apart. "Just a little bit. And only sometimes. When you're not pissing me off. Which is almost never."
Spike's grin broke wide across his face. "Hey, that's more than I thought I'd ever get."
Buffy shook her finger at him. "No bringing this up later."
"Yeah, I know. You'll deny you ever said it, or blame it on the claim, or Martians controlling your brain, or whatever your excuse of the day is."
"Hey! I've never blamed anything on Martians!"
"Not yet."
Buffy pouted. "I don't think I like you anymore."
"Yes you do. And admit it, there are worse people you could be with."
"Nope. You're the worst," Buffy insisted, though the twinkle in her eyes led Spike to believe she didn't really mean it.
"Sure there is. You could be with, uh, Gilbert Gottfried."
Buffy's eyebrow arched. "Gilbert Gottfried?"
"Yeah. Can you imagine having to listen to that voice for centuries?"
Buffy couldn't fight her chuckle. "Okay, point. You're better than him."
"Or hey, that freaky looking comedian bloke—Carrot Top. I have to beat him, right?"
"Yeah, okay, him, too," Buffy admitted, laughing a little more.
"Mickey Rourke?"
"Okay, fine. You win. There are hideous people in the world, I could be stuck with them, and instead I get your gorgeous self. Happy now?"
"I'm gorgeous?"
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Like you don't already know."
"Well, I don't actually have a reflection," Spike pointed out, smirking.
"Right, 'cause you strut like a man who doesn't know he's gorgeous. All that swagger—please."
"You know, we should have conversations like this more often. You like me and I'm gorgeous. This is good."
Buffy flopped back onto the bed. "Great. Now I've inflated your ego."
Spike lay back down beside her. "Well, it's about time you did. Usually you just kick it."
"And yet somehow, I think it's managed to survive."
Spike chuckled. He turned on his side so he was facing her and Buffy moved her head to look at him. Gazing into her green eyes made something well up inside of him that he'd never felt before he met her. "Buffy?"
The way he said her name told Buffy the mood of their conversation had gone back to serious, and she answered him softly. "Yes?"
"There's something else that's been happening, with the claim. I think…I think I should probably discuss it with you."
Buffy stiffened. "Oh god, what is it now?"
"No, it's nothing bad. Not for you anyway. It's…" Spike took his eyes away from hers. "About what I mentioned earlier—about getting a soul. I don't…I don't think I'd even need to. I think… I think I might be sharing yours." There, he'd said it, the thing that had been weighing on him for days now. It was out in the open, and he couldn't ignore it anymore.
"What?" Buffy's brow furrowed. "Sharing my soul? That doesn't even make sense…"
"It does," Spike replied. "We share everything now. And it isn't like I have my own. It's not affecting me that strongly. But I'm feeling, well, guilt about some things. And in 118 years as a vampire, I've never felt an ounce of guilt before." He swallowed, pausing for a moment before he continued. "Buffy, I've heard stories about other vampires who claimed humans. It was never all that common, and I've never met one, but from the stories I've heard, the vampires often times went crazy. I thought it could've just been from having to share so much with a human, but now I'm wondering if maybe it was the soul. Maybe they kept feeding, and there started being guilt attached to that or something."
"Do you feel like you're going crazy?"
Spike shook his head. "No. Not like that anyway. I mean, you make me want to pull my hair out most of the time, but I don't feel like I'm going to start cowering in the corner rocking back and forth or anything."
"So you don't know it's my soul?"
"I don't know what it is. I don't understand what I'm feeling, I just know it's something new."
Buffy pondered that with a frown. This was something else she hadn't thought of before now—how the claim could be changing Spike. She'd focused so much on everything it was doing to her, that she hadn't even begun to think about what it could be doing to him. She'd assumed that since the claim had come from the vampire, then it must be only trying to change her to make her the right sort of mate for him. But was it really not as one-sided as that?
And if it wasn't, did that mean it wasn't the malicious force that Buffy kept trying to make it be? What exactly was the true nature of a claim?
Buffy didn't know, and she was beginning to realize Spike didn't really either. He had known more than her, but it seemed to be mostly from things he'd heard than from actual experience. He was as lost in all of this was she was.
It was something she hadn't realized before, and somehow, she found it comforting. Maybe Spike really didn't have control over her the way she'd feared. Maybe they were equals in all of this.
She curled up against his chest, noting idly that his lack of heartbeat didn't bother her at all anymore, and deciding not to care. Spike draped his arms loosely around her, but didn't press for sex or even more talk, and Buffy was glad for that. She wanted the silence and the light touch. Her head was sore from what they'd already discussed that day, and she couldn't take anymore.
All she wanted at the moment was to rest in the arms of her lover, and apparently, that was good enough for him now, too.
A few people have asked if I'm going to start moving forward soon with more plot based chapters, and I am, very soon. I just feel like I needed to get them to a point in their relationship where they could begin to work together as a team.
Please remember to review!