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Chapter 3

"You look nice dear. How are you?"

"Much better Mrs. G. What's that?"

"Oh this?" Mrs. G held up the freshly laundered shirt and frowned at it for a moment, then her face lit up.

"It's for Jack, he likes them ironed just so. Have you seen him?"

Buffy sighed and put down her shopping bags. She didn't need this right now. Looking after batty old ladies wasn't exactly what she'd had planned, but how could she leave her wandering around the hallway like this?

"Come on." She scooped Mrs G. around the shoulders and led her back into her apartment. Sat her down, took the shirt and hung it on the door. Crouched down and folded her into another hug. She felt like a bag of bones, nothing to her at all. Like she'd used up every ounce of everything she had just getting this far.

"I'm worried about you, Mrs. G. Do you have any family? Someone we can call?"

Mrs. G's hand was on hers now, surprisingly soft. Buffy stroked the velvety skin, wondering what it would feel like to be so old. To have so many memories. Wondered if there'd be someone who would do this for her if she got to be this old. Wondered how she was going to tell Mrs. G yet again, that Jack was dead.

Mrs. G looked at her, then at the door, then back at her.

"What is it, Buffy?"

"It's Jack, Mrs. G." Hell, she hated this. Every time they told her it was like she was hearing it for the first time.

And Buffy felt really selfish for not wanting to do this. For not wanting to be here. She would much rather be upstairs with Spike. Had a bit of a surprise for him tonight. And not just what was in the grocery bags.

But Mrs. G needed to know where Jack was. So she told her, as gently as she could because she didn't want to lie.

And Mrs G looked a little shocked and she cried a few tears. Then she got up and took down the shirt. Buffy watched as she folded it very carefully, fingering the material lovingly.

"He filled my world, Buffy." She opened the bureau drawer and tucked the shirt inside. "And I can still feel him. Does that sound stupid?"

Buffy settled her back into the chair. "No of course not, Mrs. G. I'll put the kettle on."

Buffy made the tea while Mrs. G sat and stared. Looking at something that Buffy couldn't see. And every time she went away like this, it seemed that less of her came back.

She took the tea with a shaking hand and managed a sad smile.

"He was killed on his motorbike. Went out to work one day and never came back."

"I'm so sorry."

Mrs. G's hand came out once more, as if she needed to anchor herself and Buffy took it in hers.

"But you kissed him goodbye that day, didn't you?" She'd heard this story before, knew how it ended. Knew how important it was for Mrs. G to keep on telling it. It was her way of keeping Jack alive.

"I did, Buffy. But it's hope, you see. I've never stopped hoping that he'll come back."

"But you know he won't?"

"I do." Mrs G picked up her tea and stared into the cup. "You just can't help hoping though, can you?"

"That's true." Buffy nodded.

Hope. It had crept into her life so quietly that she hadn't even noticed it was there. Until one day when the world suddenly had colour in it. The stairs didn't seem as steep. She'd gone out and got herself a job. A haircut.

And Buffy remembered the exact moment when things had changed. Really changed, deep inside her. It wasn't the night she'd found out that Spike was Goldie, or when she'd lost the baby, or decided to tackle that mess in the apartment at last. Or when she'd read that sign on the bar window advertising for staff and walked in and got herself a job. Yes they were all big steps for her, and definitely steps in the right direction.

Somehow, despite all these life changing events, she'd still felt like the old Buffy was lurking inside, ready to drag her back. She still didn't believe.

Until the night she'd sat with Dawn and read one of her favourite stories to her. The Little Engine that Could. And Dawn had turned to her and simply said, "Do you think you can, Mommy?" And she'd answered her truthfully and said "No, I don't, and that's my problem." And Dawn had laughed and turned the page and urged her to read on.

Sometimes things were so simple that you didn't even see them. What was it Spike had said? Just open your eyes and look.

"Is there anyone I can call for you, family, friend?"

Mrs. G shook her head. "Don't have many friends left at my age." A small laugh at that. "Always wanted children, but it wasn't to be. I'm thinking of going back to England. Finish my days where I started."

"England? I didn't know you were English."

A small nod from Mrs. G. Almost as if she'd only just remembered it herself.

"We'll miss you." Buffy had a heck of a lump forming in her throat now. This circle of life stuff always got to her. She still cried like a baby at the end of The Lion King.

"I'll miss you all too."

They sat in companionable silence for a while because that's all Mrs. G wanted really. Just another human being to share some space, and some time with her. Someone to listen. She just needed to say Jack's name out loud every now and again, and Buffy understood that. It wasn't a lot to ask and she felt ashamed of her earlier, selfish thoughts. Spike had done this for her. Sat with her, fixed her computer, fed her. Maybe she hadn't really appreciated it at the time. But she wouldn't have survived without it.

He'd been there keeping her head above water, letting go bit by bit until she could swim for herself. And now that she had a little strength to spare, she could do it for someone else.

"He's a sweetheart, isn't he?"

"Who?" Buffy finished her tea but stayed where she was. Letting Mrs. G decide when she should leave. One thing she was learning. If you were going to be there for someone, you really had to be there.

"Spike. He's very good to you and Dawn, isn't he?"

"He is. Probably the kindest man I've ever met."

"Then hang on to him with everything you have. Kindness is a gift. Don't let him go."

Buffy turned away, blushing a little. After all she and Spike had been through together she honestly hadn't thought that far ahead. She'd been too busy enjoying the here and now of their relationship to give much thought to the future. And holding on to him implied a future together.

She gave a little laugh in response, but Mrs. G wasn't having any of it.

"With both hands, Buffy. Hold on and never let go. You won't find it again. I was a war-bride, you know."

"Were you?" Buffy breathed again, Glad of the change of subject. The thought of a future with Spike had made her heart go galloping off a mile a minute, and she was suddenly feeling a little spacey. Probably because she hadn't eaten, but Mrs. G had made it sound so urgent. So important.

"Met Jack during the war. Small village on the south coast of England. He was an airman." She paused a moment to relive the memory and then she seemed to remember that Buffy was still there. "I crossed an ocean to be with him. Knew a good thing when I saw one."

"That's so romantic, I had no idea."

Funny how you could look at people and not have a clue who they really were, or what they'd been. Unless you took the time and trouble to get to know, or to ask, or to listen.

"Spike will be waiting for you, I guess. Go be with him, sweetie. And remember what I said."

"I will, Mrs G." Buffy stood and took her cup to the sink. "You got something to eat for tonight?"

"I'll be fine. Off you go." The old lady stood too and smoothed out her skirt. "I'm feeling better now, thank you for being here. I do appreciate it, you know. And I know Jack's gone. I just forget, sometimes."

"Oh, Mrs. G." Buffy hugged her again, more because she needed it herself this time. It was a nice feeling, this being able to do something for someone else. She'd lost herself for a while, but bit by bit the path was becoming clearer again. That little spark of hope was growing and spreading.

"You have my number." She stepped back and looked at the old woman, making sure she was listening. "You call me anytime you need me, and if I'm not there, then you call Spike. You hear me. We care about you and you're not alone."

Mrs G nodded and walked her to the door. Her strange mood seemed to have lifted for now. "I'm glad you remembered who you were, Buffy. Off you go, I'm good."

Buffy picked up her shopping, and climbed the stairs. Unlocked her door and dumped the bags inside. Took a quick look in the mirror. It still surprised her that it was no longer the Bride of Frankenstein looking back at her. It wasn't just the haircut and the make-up either. The difference came from somewhere deep inside and shone through all that. Slowly, the real Buffy was emerging again, and she meant to keep her.

Pulling her door closed, she crossed the landing to Spike's apartment, knocked, opened the door and peeked round. He was sitting at his computer, typing away. Probably something horribly gory. She had no idea how someone so kind and gentle could write the stuff he did. She didn't really like it and he was cool with that. She'd told him straight out that she preferred his Random Hearts writing persona and he still blushed like a girl when she mentioned that.

And just lately when she looked at him, she'd started to go all tingly inside. He actually made her tremble with anticipation as he leaned back in his chair and flashed her a grin. She looked around for Dawn and he flicked his head at the bedroom.

"She crashed, so I stuck her in bed. How was the shift?"

"Okay. Come here, Spike."

He came, like he always did, this time a slightly puzzled look on his face. Possibly in response to the intensity in her voice. She hadn't meant it to come out like that, but it was part of what she was feeling right now. And she needed to tell him something.

"What's this then?" He leaned down to look into her face, brows a little furrowed as he tried to make out her mood.

She let him look. Hoping he could see what she wanted him to see. Then she hooked her arms around his neck, went up on tiptoe and she kissed him.

He helped her, sliding his hands around her back. Lifting her up and pressing her against him. Pausing only slightly before responding to her heated caress with one equally as hot.

She was aiming for slow and sensual, at least that's how she'd planned it. Wanted to let him know how she felt, just then. Even though she hadn't quite worked out exactly what it was.

Love? Is this what love felt like?

It was a new feeling because she'd never loved anyone before. Not in this way. She'd thought it was love with Angel. But she knew now that she'd been more in love with what he represented than him. He'd been freedom. An escape. Something exciting and forbidden. A chance to be reckless. A good laugh. For a while anyway.

She'd thought it was love. But she'd been blind.

Concentrate Buffy. Mrs. G was right.

What had she said? Hang on with both hands.

Buffy did just that as she parted her lips a little more and drew him in. Her tongue making lazy circles around his as they settled into a rhythm that send pulses of sensation right through her body. And, inevitably, the heat started to burn.

It spiralled out of control so suddenly that she could do nothing but ride it out. Loving, needing, wanting, they were all tangled up together. And just at that moment she couldn't separate them.

His hands were clawing at her bottom as he backed her against the wall. Her legs wrapped around his waist and everything kind of soared. It wasn't a subtle shift. Slow and sensual turned into hot and hard before she knew what was happening. But she'd wanted to tell him this too. So she did.

A few urgent moments of writhing, crushing, frantic giving and taking. Smothered moans. Reckless abandon and delicious breathlessness. Hands everywhere, pulling at clothes, tugging at hair.

Then one of them must have realised that they were just about to completely lose control and Dawn was asleep in the next room and might wake up at any moment.

She wasn't even sure which one of them pulled back first, but just as suddenly she was panting for breath and her heart was banging against her ribs. And she was sliding down his body, and he was stepping back and running his fingers through his hair. And they were giving each other sheepish looks and half turning away.

Quite possibly to hide the smirks that both of them were sporting and desperately trying to hide.

"That was nice."

He said it quietly, almost shyly as he tucked his tee shirt back into his jeans. Folding his arms around himself when he was done as if he needed to hold on in case he lost control again. The grin still tugged at the corner of his mouth as he spoke.

"Yeah." She tried to tame her own hair, pushing the tangled mess out of her eyes. Pulled down the skirt that was crumpled around the top of her thighs. Shot a glance at the bedroom. Took a deep breath.

"Spike."

"Yeah."

He dropped his arms, tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. The intensity in his gaze told her that he knew she was going to say something serious. And it was supposed to have been simple. But the way they'd gone from zero to ninety miles an hour in less than ten seconds had made it blatantly obvious that it wasn't going to be.

Loving, needing, wanting. She could have used the actual words, but she was a writer. And what did they say? Show, don't tell. So that's what she'd done.

Anyone could say the words, but they were just a whole lot of noise unless you were prepared to back them up.

"Did you get my message?" She continued to fiddle with her clothing as she spoke. Trying to sound casual, but failing miserably.

Her voice was low too, and not just because she was still trying to get her breathing under control. A little anxious now. How could you not be when you were laying yourself on the line like this?

Just like he'd been doing all this time.

She wriggled her bottom as she smoothed out the stretchy material of her skirt. Rubbed her palms over her thighs where it clung to her. Pulled down her top. Looked up to find him watching her intently. Following every movement.

And for a moment she thought he wasn't going to answer her. She froze in place as he closed the distance between them once more, then slowly straightened as he stopped in front of her.

His hands settled on her upper arms, the fingers closing around her. Slid upwards to her shoulders, his thumbs tracing along her collar bone. A ghost of a touch. His body swaying, taking her with him. Starting it all over again.

"The message," she whispered. "Did you get it?"

He continued with his stroking, watching his own hands now as they moved over her skin.

"Which one, pet?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was bound to have happened. This explosion had been a long time on the cards. Between them they'd built a time-bomb filled with pure UST, just primed to go off the minute she said so.

And hadn't she just said so?

But the storm had passed. For now. Just hands touching in the quiet aftermath as they swayed together.

"Well, there was this one." Her fingers making swirly patterns on his chest left him in no doubt as to what she was talking about.

"Yeah, think I got that one." He squirmed as she hit a ticklish spot. "Does that mean everything's okay?"

"Doctor said I was fine. That's good news, isn't it?"

"Sure is."

He leaned a little closer and breathed her in. "You smell nice. Remind me, what else was there?"

"The first part. Did you get that?"

He was so close that he could see the fine hairs on her skin. He liked being this close.

"Umm. Maybe you could tell me again?"

"Okay, but you gotta keep still. I'm doing the talking right now."

He stood obediently for her as her hands framed his face. Holding him in place for a light rain of kisses. His nose, his eyelids, his mouth, his cheek. Every part of his face got the same loving treatment. Her hands following her lips.

Loving? Is that what he was hearing? He already knew he loved her. Had done for a long time. But she hadn't said it yet. Is that what she was trying to say?

She pulled back. Looked at him expectantly. He nodded and so did she.

It would do. She'd say it eventually. He had no doubt of that. But this would do nicely, for now.

He looked at his watch. Three o' clock. Niblet wouldn't be asleep for much longer.
And Buffy needed to get her home.

"You working tonight?" The imprints of her kisses still tingled. Calling for more. His whole body wanted more. This wasn't something you could easily walk away from. Not when she made such promises.

"No, I'm cooking dinner for us. Been shopping."

"Me too."

They were still holding on. Bodies close, flush against each other. Voices pitched low. He could feel her breath on his neck as she spoke.

Strangely intimate for this time of day.

"Anything interesting?"

"It's for you, actually."

Her face lit up.

That was good. She was so damned difficult to buy presents for. Too proud to accept what she needed. Maybe a little too suspicious of his motives at first. It was probably going to make her mad though. Probably spoil this lovely mood they'd built since she came home. He took a deep breath and figured he just ought to say it. He'd done it now and heck, she could only kill him once.

"Bought you a Laptop yesterday. Well, part of one anyway. It's on layaway at the Computer Warehouse in town. All you've got to do is make the payments, and it's yours."

He waited. Tilted his chin to make it easier for her.

She frowned. "What are you doing, Spike?"

"Making it easy for you. Go on, you know you want to."

"Want to what?" She frowned and stepped back.

"Plant one on me. Right hook, just there." He pointed to his chin. "You've gotta be mad, right?"

She held up her hands, palms forward as he moved towards her again.

"I am. A little." She sucked in a deep breath and looked him squarely in the eye. "I'm hardly earning big bucks. It's just a lousy bar job, mostly tips anyway. How am I going to make the payments?"

"You're not going to hit me then?"

"Of course I'm not going to hit you. Spike, I can't afford a new computer."

"I'll help you then." He got his fingers to her lips before she could protest at that. "Let me do it. I want to, and it doesn't take anything away from you. And it's not because I want anything from you. I'm not trying to buy you. Say you'll accept it."

She left him hanging for a good few moments while his heart crawled its way up to his mouth. Left him wondering if he was ever going to get her to trust him completely.

Then she smiled.

"Thank you. It's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me."

His heart slid back to its proper place, and made an attempt at beating normally again.

"No, it's not. That'd be tonight."

She smiled at that too. A slow sexy one this time.

And he wasn't going to reach tonight at this rate because he was going to die of frustration right here in front of her if they didn't stop teasing each other like this.

"Yeah. That'd be tonight, Spike. Come over about seven and I'll get us something to eat. Then I'll show you my shopping."

"Sounds good. You going to give me a clue then?"

"D'you like steak?"

"Red blooded male here, so yeah."

"Strawberries?"

"Love 'em."

"Sexy underwear?"

"On the right person, definitely."

"Good."

He found himself rubbing at the front of his now, very tight jeans as she moved around him and headed for the bedroom to fetch Dawn.

She reappeared after a few moments with a drowsy bundle draped over her shoulder.

"You know she's never gonna sleep tonight. Not after a daytime nap."

"Heck, didn't think of that."

Dawn lifted her head. "Hi, Uncle Spike."

"Hey, Dawnie." He ruffled her hair and then inspiration struck. "Wanna go to the park with me? We could run around a lot. Get really tired."

Dawn was already wriggling. "Can I go, mommy?"

" 'Course you can sweetie. Only don't tire Uncle Spike out too much, will you."

Then she lifted her head and looked straight at him, even though she was still talking to Dawn.

"Gonna need him wide awake tonight. Really wide awake."





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