[Reviews - 15]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 3194 times

- Text Size +




Chapter 4

Performance anxiety. This was a new one.

Spike took the wine-glass and settled back into the sofa. She looked gorgeous, as he knew she would. She'd been gorgeous before, in the ratty robe and tatty jeans she'd habitually worn, but dressed up like this she was nothing short of stunning.

And he could still feel the promises she'd made earlier as he adjusted his trousers, glad he'd opted for the chinos rather than jeans. The red wine slipped down too easily, too fast and she reached for the bottle and poured him another. Gave him a lovely view of her cleavage as she leaned over to fill his glass. Then she sat down beside him, took a sip of her own wine and smiled.

"You look great."

"You too."

She crossed her legs, drawing his attention to the barely there leather skirt that clung to the top of her thighs. To her sandal clad feet. And to the perfectly shaped length in between. She wasn't very tall but everything was just right. Beautifully in proportion.

His heart had done a back flip when she'd opened the door and he'd wanted to jump her right there and then. Finish what they'd started earlier. Only tonight was her night. She was setting the pace. And even if she hadn't said it, he'd have let her. It had to be her decision. The where, the when, possibly even the how.

"Nice top."

"D'you like it?" She gave her shoulders a wriggle, turned so he could see.

So he looked. A white lacy blouse, almost see-through so he couldn't fail to notice the black, silky bra she had on underneath. He held on to his glass with both hands as she sipped at her wine.

"Yeah, I like it. You're beautiful, Buffy." It was the first time he'd said it out loud. He stared into his glass. Spoke quietly and wondered if she'd go straight onto the defensive as she usually did. She'd come a long way in the past few weeks but she still found it hard to accept compliments.

"Am I?"

He looked at her then. "Yeah, bloody gorgeous."

"Do you really think so? You're not just saying that?" She ran her finger around the rim of her glass, then she turned back to him hitching her elbow across the back of the couch. "Because sometimes when I look in the mirror I just don't know who I'm seeing any more."

Spike put down his glass, shaking his head as he did so. "You're seeing who you really are, pet. And you're doing great, I'm proud of you."

She pushed back her hair, let out a breath. A small flash of the old Buffy. It happened every now and then. A little slip that told him how much she still needed him to be there like he always had. Told him that maybe she'd always need him in that way. God, he hoped so.

And just at that moment their relationship, in his mind anyway, took another of those leaps forward that almost left him as breathless as he'd been that afternoon. She needed him, she wanted him and she'd almost said she loved him. Before he'd just accepted it. Gone with it. Almost taken it for granted that once they'd started, each logical step would follow the other. Now, it suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks that this was about to get very real.

You could be with people for days, months, years but one day something happened and you suddenly saw who they were with in a completely different way. She didn't exactly have a glowing light all around her but she might as well have. And where were the bloody angelic choirs? Shouldn't he be hearing those too?

If he'd ever felt the urge to go down on one knee and say something soppy and poetic involving gold rings and eternal promises, then he was feeling it now. Just at that moment he wanted to hold on to her and never let go. He wanted to put on a Tarzan costume and swing from the trees shouting at the top of his voice.

So he picked up his glass instead and had another drink. He'd tell her tonight. It was about time one of them said it. It was a tricky one though. When did he say it? Before, after? During? Now? He'd only ever said the L word once before, to someone else and that had been a whole lot easier than this. Possibly because he hadn't really meant it. And the lady in question had said it right back to him and she hadn't meant it, either. So it had been easy.

Honesty, that's what Buffy needed from him. He needed to trust his instincts on this. And heck, if she didn't want to hear it now, after all they'd been through, then she was never going to want to.

"Turning into psych 101 isn't it?" he said, reaching out to her.

"I'm sorry." She looked contrite. Put down her glass and started to get up, muttering about the steaks needing cooking, but he reached out and stopped her.

"The steaks can wait Buffy. I need to tell you something too."

She sat again, eyeing him cautiously, looking a little more self conscious now than she had been.

He needed to put that right first, so he took a deep breath, slid closer and let his hand drop to her thigh. He didn't move it. Just let it rest there lightly as he spoke.

She shifted slightly under his touch, her lips parted as she stared at his hand, almost as if she was willing it to move.

But just at that moment he had perfect control. The performance anxiety had gone and in its place was a feeling of wonderful clarity. He knew just what he wanted to say and exactly how to say it. A very small twinge of guilt that he was hijacking what was supposed to be her evening gave him pause, but he brushed the thought aside. If love-making was what she'd had planned for tonight then she needed to hear all this before they did it. Because he knew now that he didn't just want a mindless fuck from her. He wanted all of her there. This wasn't just an itch that needed scratching, it was a serious commitment and she needed to know that.

"D'you have any nice music, something slow?"

"Might have." She was running a finger over the back of his hand as it rested on her. Tickling him. Making his own fingers twitch. "We don't want to disturb Dawn though, it'll have to be very quiet."

"Quiet's good. Come on, I want to dance with you." He stood and offered her his hand, feeling ever so slightly tipsy from the wine he'd drunk. It didn't usually get him so fast, but a combination of not eating and possibly the whiskey that he'd had before coming over were starting to work on him, lending the evening a slightly surreal edge.

She let herself be pulled up and he followed her over to the stereo and looked over her shoulder as she leafed through the CD's.

"Anything in particular?"

"You choose." He let his chin drop to her shoulder as she found what she was looking for and slid it in the drawer. Took a deep breath as he nuzzled into her neck. "New perfume?"

"Yeah." She squirmed as his breath fanned her skin. "Bought it today. It's called Fantasy."

"It's nice." His hands moved to her waist as the music began, turning her to face him. "What else did you buy?"

"Steak."

"Mmm…"

"Strawberries."

"Yeah…"

"This." She leaned back and looked down at her blouse.

"Mmm… Like I said, gorgeous. Now, c'mere. You can show me properly later. I gotta say a few things."

He moved her to the middle of the room and pulled her close. Fitting the two of them comfortably together as her head rested on his chest, and her hands went around his neck. Letting the music move them, flow over them, relax them. His mouth was very close to her ear as he gathered her to him and held her.

"I meant it when I said you were beautiful, Buffy."

"Did you?"

He felt her tense at that and he pulled her closer momentarily, hard against him, almost stifling her as he squeezed his eyes closed and said it again. "Of course I did. Have you any idea what you mean to me?"

She leaned back a little then and looked at him through half closed eyes. Then she hid her face in his chest again and when she spoke her voice was a little muffled, tinged with an edge of emotion he'd rarely heard from her. "Yes I do, because you mean it to me too."

"Then you know what I'm going to say next?"

"I think so."

They moved in silence for a few more moments while he plucked up the courage to say the words. Words from which there'd be no going back. This was the point where his heart was officially going on the line. Scary, but necessary if this relationship was going to move forward.

It felt as perfect a moment as it ever would be, except that she was suddenly pulling away from him, the abruptness of her movement confusing him. He still had his eyes closed as he tried to pull her back and when he opened them she was stepping away, and patting her hair, a bright smile now plastered on her face.

He looked around, slightly dazed after such a build up, and reached out to her again, but she grabbed hold of both his hands and held them to stop him touching her. Then he turned slowly, following her gaze to the door which led to the small corridor off which were the two bedrooms.

"Dawn, honey." Buffy dropped his hands, gave him a look and quickly crossed the room. "Dawnie, what are you doing up?"

Dawn stood in the entrance, teddy bear tucked under her arm, thumb in her mouth, eyes wide. She looked as if she'd stepped into another world as she moved her head from side to side watching the flickering shadows made by the candlelight.

Buffy bent down to scoop her up but Dawn sidestepped her smartly and ran to the sofa. Wriggling herself comfortable, she patted the spaces either side and looked at them expectantly.

"Mommy sit here, and Uncle Spike can sit here."

Buffy followed and knelt down in front of her.

"Sweetheart, you have to go to bed. This is mommy's time."

"You look pretty mommy. Can I be pretty like you when I'm all grown up?"

"You're already pretty sweetie, but you really have to go to bed. Do you want mommy to take you or Uncle Spike?"

Spike's heart sank a little at the expression on Dawn's face. She wriggled further back into the sofa and made a big show of arranging her teddy bear next to her, then she looked at them with the smug satisfaction of one who knows that they have you completely at their mercy, and there isn't a thing that you can do about it.

-------------------------------------------------

The phone rang half way through the steaks. Buffy picked up the call in the kitchen, hoping it wouldn't be her mom. The last thing she needed was to listen to another of her mother's rambling monologues. As she lifted it to her ear she took a quick peek at Spike and Dawn.

Still sitting where she'd left them. On their second book by the look of things. Dawn was at least looking a little sleepy now, keeping herself awake by sheer willpower in that way children have of not wanting to miss out when they've caught wind of something happening.

To Dawn, candles equalled birthdays and birthdays equalled parties. And the only way she was going back to bed was asleep. And she didn't look as if she was going to let that happen any time soon.

They didn't tell you this in the baby manuals Buffy thought, as she lifted the receiver to her ear. Not exactly mixy, a sex life and small children.

"Angel?"

She closed the door and lowered her voice, cupping her hand over the receiver.

"Angel, it's not a good time."

"No, not like that, things are good right now. Want to keep it that way. I just can't talk right now."

"I don't know when."

"No, don't come over. Please not now."

"Alright, I'll meet you."

"Anytime, just not tonight, okay?"

"She's fine, really, we're both fine."

"You scared her, Angel. Kids don't generally like hearing their dad trying to break the door down."

"I know you are, look, call me back tomorrow. Afternoon sometime after four, I'll be back from work then."

"Yeah, I got a job."

"No, I don't have anyone here."

"Angel?"

"Angel?" Damn.

She jabbed the off button, threw the phone across the counter top, and rescued the steaks. Just in time, she thought, turning off the power and putting them back to keep warm.

Heck, he wasn't coming round was he? Not now. Please don't let him ruin things now.

Okay, salad, bowl, dressing. Hell, why was she bothering? Life was like a slippery slope. You clawed your way up only to get a glimpse of what it could be like, then you slid right back down again. That damned emotional baggage was just too heavy. Weighed you down and stopped you from going anywhere, no matter how hard you tried.

Another look at Dawn and Spike. The book was finished and they were talking. Dawn's arms waving, a big smile on her face. Spike hoisting her up on to his lap. Laughter from Dawn. Spike pretending to drop her. More squeals. Not the way to get her to sleep but what the heck.

It had been like a fairytale, just for a short time. Her, Dawn, Spike. Could it have been more perfect?

Only life wasn't a fairytale and it was never going to be.

---------------------------------------------------------------

"So, who am I?"

"The handsome prince."

"Sounds good. And your mum?"

"She can be a princess."

"I like that. So, who are you going to be?"

"I'm the wicked witch."

Spike laughed. "Aren't you supposed to be a fairy or something?"

"Grrr." Dawn raised her hands and clawed her fingers. "Bad guys have more fun."

Spike ducked, pretended to be scared, then swung her up. "Where did you learn that, young lady?"

"Mommy."

"Okay, definitely time for bed. Let's go say goodnight to your mum."

Dawn made a face and tried a token wriggle but Spike held her fast. "Look, teddy's really sleepy, I just saw him yawn."

"No, you didn't. Don't want to go to bed."

"Okay Dawn, listen carefully," Spike said as he carted the reluctant bundle over to the kitchen. "This is mommy and Spike time. Just grown-ups, see?"

"And me?"

"Sorry love."

"But I want to come to the party."

"I know, we'll have another one tomorrow, how about that?"

He barely still had hold of her as he pushed open the kitchen door. She wriggled down and ran to her mother, hugging her around the legs and looking cheekily back at him.

"Mommy wants me to come to the party, don't you mommy?"

"Whatever."

Spike frowned. Buffy had barely registered Dawn's comment. Everything about her was slightly off. The way she held herself, the slump of her shoulders, the distracted look.

"What's up, burnt the steak?"

"Nothing." Buffy backed away waving her hands, disentangling Dawn from her legs. "Why is she still up?"

Dawn seemed to pick up on the mood immediately. She ran back to Spike and hid behind his legs.

"Uh- oh, mommy's mad."

Spike narrowed his eyes. Focused on Buffy, at the sink now, scrubbing at the grill-pan, the steaks sitting on a plate on the counter, going cold.

"No Dawn, not with you." He groped for her hand, watched Buffy for a few more moments then crouched down. "How about we start the party with Barney? Would you like that?"

"Yay, Barney."

"Go put it on then."

Dawn dutifully disappeared and Spike quickly crossed the distance between him and Buffy. For a moment he thought she wasn't going to turn around. Coming off her in waves now. Tension, panic, anger. She flinched slightly as he rested a hand on her shoulder. Pulled away a little, but he wasn't having that.

"Was it the phone call?"

"Yes."

"Angel?"

She nodded her head.

He managed to get his arms around her but she was too stiff to take any comfort from it. He held on though. Another defining moment in their relationship coming up. Not exactly a battle of wills, but he could only tell her so many times he'd be there for her. She had to want him to be as well.

"What did he say?" He slipped his hands to her shoulders. Felt the knots there, squeezed lightly. "Tell me, love."

"Am I?" She didn't turn around. Her hands were on the edge of the sink now, gripping at the stainless steel.

"Are you what?" He leaned over her shoulder to try and see her face, but she turned away.

"Your love. Am I really?" Her voice had a brittle edge to it. Just a hint of totally inappropriate amusement. As if it was funny that he could, or would want to love her.

It made him angry. Just for a split second. After all he'd done for her, hadn't she got it yet? What did it take? He redirected it immediately. It wasn't her he was angry with. Bloody Angel. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Let her get on with her life?

"You know you are."

"No, I don't. You've never said it."

"Yes you do, Buffy. Turn around, please?" He spoke softly, feeling bad for adding to the burden of what she was feeling right now, but if saying this had been important before the phone call, it was doubly important now.

She came back to him gradually, turning round in jerky movements, as if with each step she was deciding whether to go on, or not. To be with him, or not.

By the time she was finally facing him, his hands were shaking.

The strains of Barney and his chums singing floated through from the living room.

I love you, you love me, we're a happy family…

They both laughed at that. A grateful release of tension, then she fell against him, her forehead on his chest, her hands fiddling with his shirt.

He held her. "Isn't this where we were half an hour ago?"

"Reckon so. What were you going to tell me?"

"Same as what you told me this afternoon."

"Spike!" She pounded on his chest with a fist and it was only half in jest. "I really need you to say it."

"Hell, Buffy. I love you so much I don't know how to say it without sounding like a complete prat."

"Try." Eyes shining with tears now, bottom lip wobbling.

Happiness? Relief? He just couldn't tell right then. So he kissed her nose and said it again. "I love you." Then each eye-lid. Then her forehead, just as she'd done that afternoon to him, punctuating each kiss with another declaration of his love. Each kiss lingering a little longer than the last until he reached her mouth.

"I really, really love you." He had hold of her face now, his thumbs squeezing her cheeks as she looked back at him with startled eyes. As if he'd still managed to surprise her despite everything.

He sealed his words with a kiss to her mouth in the traditional manner, trying to put everything he had into it but finding, surprisingly that he didn't need to. This was a different kind of intensity. His grip on her face loosened as he realised that he didn't have to hold on quite so tightly any more because she wasn't going anywhere.

The wobbly bottom lip turned up into a bit of a smile and he only just heard her whispered thank you.

"You're very welcome, love. Reckon it's your turn now."

"Can it be my turn too?"

Dawn ran into the room, squeezed between them and looked up. "I want to play too."

----------------------------------------------------

Buffy looked down at her daughter and smoothed back the little girl's hair. The hand on the brown locks was still shaking, as his had been. She'd known he loved her. Hadn't she been the one to make such a thing of showing, not telling? Everything he did for her told her how much. But she'd been wrong to think that the words didn't matter. There wasn't anything in the world like hearing those words spoken just right. They'd gone right through her and sent everything soaring. Her heart, her hopes, her dreams.

And yes, now it was her turn.

She bent down and picked Dawn up, turned her so that she was facing Spike.

"Mommy loves Spike. Do you know that, Dawnie?"

"Of course I do, silly." Dawn scolded her as if she was the child. "He's uncle Spike."

"And uncle Spike loves your mommy very much. That okay with you little bit?"

"Hooray." Dawn went into a frenzy of handclapping as Buffy leaned across to put her seal on it.

Just one small kiss. That's all it took for the commitment to be made. The bargain sealed. Then it was time for that glowing feeling that starts somewhere inside and spreads throughout your body until it ends in a huge beaming smile. And a few moments of basking. Because she was due a spot of basking. Just some time to really savour this. This knowing that you trust someone enough to hand your heart to them and it will be safe.

"My turn." Dawn threw her arms around Buffy and said that she loved her more than anything in the whole wide world. She reached over to Spike and did the same, declaring that Barney loved him too. Then she put her thumb in her mouth and laid her head on Buffy's shoulder, as if she was happy to go to sleep now because everything was alright with the world.

Buffy rocked her back and forth as they stood quietly together and the feeling of euphoria gave way to one of contentment. She knew she should tell Spike about the possibility that Angel was going to arrive sometime soon, and she didn't know if they were going to get the evil Angel or the nice Angel. He wouldn't come straight away. If he was true to form he'd have a good brood first, convince himself that he was going to do as she said and meet her tomorrow. Then he'd crack and come barrelling over all guns blazing.

And he wasn't going to like finding Spike here. His pride would never let him be happy seeing her with another man.

They'd said some things, when they'd first got together. The usual I'll always love you and never leave me stuff. Things you say when you're drunk. Things you say without thinking. Cliches. They'd done them all. Right up to the night Angel had squeezed her arm, looked her in the eye and calmly told her that if she ever left him, he'd kill her.

He'd shed some tears over that one. She'd gone straight into the bedroom and pulled down a suitcase, daring him to carry out his threat. And he'd cried, and begged forgiveness and vowed he'd never say anything as stupid again. And she'd relented.

But it was always in the back of her mind. She was always afraid that one day he'd forget how sorry he'd been, and only remember that he'd said it, and thought he meant it.

"Come on Dawn, bedtime."

Dawn was already halfway there. Buffy tucked her into her bed and then went back to join Spike who was still in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, picking at the shredded lettuce in the salad bowl.

She suddenly felt shy around him. Wondered if he'd ever been in love with anyone before. Found she didn't want to know.

He whipped his hand out of the bowl, looked a little guilty, then grinned at her. "She asleep?"

"Yeah. Steak's ruined."

"No it's not. Perfect for steak sandwiches, you got any bread?"

"I'm supposed to be doing that."

It only took Spike two steps to cross the tiny kitchen. His hands were on her waist and before she could protest she found herself hoisted up onto the counter top.

"You sit there and look decorative, let me do it."

She took a swipe at him, made him duck. "I can't believe you just said that."

"Neither can I. Where's the bread?"

"In the breadbox. I'm sorry, this was supposed to be all sexy and stuff."

"And you sitting there in that skirt and blouse isn't sexy?"

"Who me?" Buffy leaned back onto her elbows and crossed her legs. "Don't know what you're talking about."

He shot her a glance, shook his head then went back to his sandwich making. "Don't think you're distracting me with that. Not yet, anyway. Hungry man here."

She tipped back her head, laughed a little, closed her eyes and relaxed. A strange time to be feeling so calm. She really ought to tell him about Angel's imminent arrival but she figured she had a few moments to just be before she did that. Maybe part of her wanted them to meet. Maybe she wanted to stand next to Spike and tell Angel that she'd met someone else? Someone who meant something to her in a way that he never could. He had to find out sometime. Why not tonight?

Because tonight wasn't the night for that, she thought, swinging herself up. Tonight was for her and Spike.

"Spike?"

"Yeah."

"You should know that Angel might turn up."

"You think?"

"Good chance."

"And I'm guessing he's not going to like what he sees?"

"Understatement."

"Got any Ziplocs?"

What the hell for?"

"Do you really want to see Angel tonight?"

"No." She jumped down and opened a drawer. "Got some food bags in here somewhere. I don't like running away like this."

"Discretion is the better part of valour and all that. Best to avoid a confrontation, don't you think?"

"Just bolt the front door."

"Mrs. G.'ll let him in. Even if we tell her not to. Thinks every knock on the door is Jack."

"Not what I had planned for tonight." She tossed him the bags and watched as he packed up the sandwiches. Definitely not how she'd imagined tonight. "You're right. I'll go get Dawn."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Angel slicked back his hair, straightened his jacket, then knocked. He blew out a breath, listened, then knocked again.

"Buffy?" It came out just a little louder than he intended, so he stepped back and willed himself to be calm. Not going to get anywhere if they had a repeat of his last visit. He still cringed when he thought about what a jerk he'd been. How he'd scared Dawn half to death. How Buffy had told him that she never wanted to see him again.

He knocked once again, this time loud enough that they had to hear it, and he waited. It was up to her now. If she wanted to see him she'd open the door, and if not? Was he man enough to just walk away and give her what she wanted? A life free of him? Free of all the pain they'd inevitably cause each other?

He knew she wasn't going to open it. Stayed in place just a few moment longer than was necessary, crushing the stems on the flowers he was holding. Starting to feel like a pathetic fool and desperately trying not to blame her for it for once.

Time to go. Time to walk out of her life and let her be. He took one last look at the door that was never going to open and then he laid down the flowers, turned and walked back down the stairs.

It was a bittersweet moment. Sadness that this was finally it, mixed with a little spark of something he might once have called nobility, but that now seemed too grand a term to apply to him. Did he have a right to hurt over this? When he was the cause of all the pain?

He may not have had a right to, but he hurt anyway. As he turned the last corner of the stairs he almost bumped into the strange old woman who'd let him in. He mumbled an apology and tried to side step her, but she caught him by the arm.

"You haven't seen my dog have you?"

"Sorry lady." Angel put his head down and walked on but she turned and followed him.

"Jack took him for a walk and they've been gone such a long time. I'm so worried about them. Do you think we should call the police?"

Angel kept on walking as she struggled to keep up. "Look, I haven't seen your dog, or anyone, so if you'll excuse me?"

"Were you looking for Buffy?"

That made him stop. He turned and looked back up the stairs as the old lady made her way slowly towards him.

"I might be. Is she home?"

"She'll be with that nice Mr Spike." The old lady leaned closer to him and spoke in a stage whisper. "He's such a kind man, adores her. Of course, he could have had me, but I think I'm a bit old for him. They like them younger these days, don't they? Now, have you seen my dog, or haven't you?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" She had him by the arm again. He shook her off.

"That's his appartment, up there, opposite Buffy's. Always doing things for her, and Dawn. The little one just adores him too. That's where you'll find them."

It was the mention of Dawn that did it. Pushed him over a line he'd been determined not to cross tonight. It was one thing for this Spike person to be messing around with his Buffy. He had to let her go, he knew that. And a looker like her was bound to have men sniffing around. But his daughter calling another man daddy?

He was aware of the old woman smiling benevolently at him as he turned and began to climb the stairs once more. He'd failed Dawn more than he'd failed Buffy and now he had someone to conveniently blame for it.

Someone who probably bought her presents and read her stories and tucked her up in bed at night. He couldn't remember the last time he'd done any of those things. But how was it his fault if Buffy never let him see her?

By the time he'd reached the top of the stairs again Spike, whoever he was, had become the cause of all his problems. It was simple really, he just couldn't work out why he hadn't seen it before. He stopped at Spike's door and knocked. He could hear the voices, Buffy's and a man's on the other side. Sounded like they were having a heated discussion. He knocked again, heard the sound of a key turning in the lock and then the door opened.

Angel took one moment to register the blond haired man standing on the threshold, then he cocked back his arm, balled his fist and with a satisfying crack, punched him squarely in the face.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

For a moment all Buffy could do was stand frozen to the spot. Spike swore as he staggered backwards, then sat down abruptly on the floor, his hands clamped over his nose. A trickle of blood between his fingers soon turned into a flood and the sight of that made her legs start working again. She was on her knees beside him, praying that Angel hadn't broken his nose. Blood splashing onto her new blouse.

"What the bloody hell was that for?" Spike looked reproachfully up at Angel who was still standing in place, his eyes slightly wide as if he couldn't believe himself what he'd just done.

Buffy saw that too as she helped Spike up and onto the sofa. Grabbing a box of tissues, she took out a wad and packed them under his nose, held them in place for him, then she spared another glance at Angel.

What the hell did you say at times like this? They were all hurting, but if Angel wanted consolation he wasn't going to get it from her.

"Do you want some ice, Spike?"

"Please. Bloody hell, it hurts. Ow."

She made sure that Angel saw it. Her arm around Spike's shoulder, the closeness as she tended to him. The love.

Angel narrowed his eyes and she saw his jaw tense.

She stood up. "Angel, meet Spike. The man I love."

"Buffy…"

"No Angel, we're gonna do this my way for a change. I'm going to get some ice for Spike, then you and I are going to have a talk."

She helped Spike into the kitchen, found some ice and packed it into a small hand towel.

"Here. I'm so sorry Spike. He is such a jerk."

"It's okay." Spike took the ice pack and winced as he applied it to his nose. "Do you want me to be there?"

"Better not, will you be alright?"

"Yeah. Leave the door open though."

"I will. Gotta sort this now, then I'm going to come back and make love to you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, do you think you'll be up to it?"

"Too bloody right. Buffy, be careful."

"I will."

Angel was still standing where she'd left him. She walked past him, took out her keys and indicated to him to follow her.

The flowers stopped her. It was his thing. Always bringing flowers, as if they were the solution to every problem.

He picked them up and handed them silently to her. She didn't want to take them but he looked so forlorn that she didn't have the heart to refuse. That was his thing too, making her feel sorry for him. He was good at that.

Unlocking her door she motioned him inside.

"Do you really love him?"

"Yes."

He followed her in, sat where she told him to, his head down, elbows resting on knees.

"Then it's truly over for us?"

"Has been for a long time, Angel. How did you get in?"

"Front door was open. The old lady was looking for her dog."

"Oh. Look Angel, I can't stay long, need to get back to Spike, make sure he's okay.

"Yeah. Sorry about that. Will you tell him? That I'm sorry."

"I'll tell him."

"So, he's your landlord? Didn't waste much time, did he?" He looked up.

"Angel."

"Okay, okay. There's nothing left to say is there? Are you going to let me see Dawn?"

"If you want to." Buffy sat next to him, resisting the urge to hug him. He looked sorely in need of one but she knew she shouldn't. No matter how much she wanted to. It surprised her that she should even think that after what he'd done to Spike, but much as she wanted a clean break she knew that emotionally, it wasn't going to be.

They could spend the rest of their lives blaming each other for this mess but maybe it was both their fault? Maybe she needed to realise that before she could truly break away from him. They were neither of them perfect.

"Angel. I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted me to be."

He looked sideways at her. Gave her a sad smile. Nodded a little.

"Yeah, me too. Maybe I could take Dawn to the zoo, or something. Isn't that what absentee fathers do?"

"Maybe. I'll talk to her." She put her hand on his arm then, because there was something else to say before he left. Something he needed to know.

He stared at the hand, lifted his own, then dropped it again.

"What?"

"You've need to know Angel. I was pregnant a while back but I miscarried." Her voice dropped to a whisper as she told him. Talking about it was still hard. "Just thought you ought to know."

"Was it mine?"

"Yeah."

He squeezed his eyes shut tight. Stayed like that for what seemed like a long time, but the tears spilled out anyway. And even after all he'd put her through, Buffy still found that she had some compassion to spare for him. So she put her arms around him, and held him while he cried. And she hugged him again as she let him out of the front door. Tried to focus on the good times they'd had together as she watched him walk away. Thought about her promise to let him see Dawn. She needed to know her father. And she would.

Then Buffy stood in the hall for a few moments and gathered herself together, mentally saying goodbye to her old life. So many defining moments all coming so fast they were making her dizzy.

Perhaps she was wrong to spend too much time focusing on the big stuff. If you did that you missed those quiet spaces in between that were just as important. And right now that was what she needed.

She found Spike lying on the bed, his arm across his eyes. When he heard her he sat up and swung his legs over the side. She walked into his arms and let him hold her.

"Was it rough?"

"Yeah, but not in that way. I think he got the message, I just don't know."

Spike sighed. "Come to bed."

She stroked back his hair, looked at his swollen nose. "How are you feeling? I promised you lovemaking."

"I'll live. Look, we don't have to, not after all this. I just want to spend the night with you."

Buffy looked down at her blood-stained blouse. "Reckon I ought to get this in to soak?"

"Reckon so."

"Then take it off me."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. And don't worry," she said as she watched him open the buttons and slide the material over her shoulders, his fingers coming back to rest on the front clasp of her bra.

She nodded, giving him permission to continue, her breathing a little ragged now, his fingers grazing her skin as he flicked it open.

"You just lie back," she said easing him down on to the bed, hitching up her skirt and crawling astride him. "And let me take care of you for a change."

tbc...



AN. Angel did come out a lot more sympathetically than I thought he would initially, just couldn't bash him too hard when it came to it....





You must login (register) to review.