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Chapter Ten

Buffy stared up at her bedroom ceiling, wide-awake. She was tired, that was the funny thing. Well, at least her body was tired, her limbs feeling achy—like they needed a good stretch. Maybe it was time to take up yoga again, she thought on a sigh.

Her mind however, was alert. So many things on her mind, she didn't know where to start and apparently her mind didn't want to just pick one to focus on. It jumped from Angel, to Lindsey to Spike, to what she was going to do about a job to money to . . . God, she wished she could be one of those people that could just say ‘Fuck it, I'm going to sleep' and go to sleep. She wasn't wired that way though. Once upon a time she could forget the troubles of the day and sink into her bed as some sort of haven and numb her mind to get the rest she needed. Back when she was, say, eighteen. Funny how all her troubles began after Angel. She had a family to think about. Her family that was crumbling around her. And there was Spike who confessed his undying love and devotion to her and didn't seem in any rush to be leaving anytime soon.

She shook her head and got up, flicking on her light. She just needed to
get up and get away from her bed for a while. Padding quietly down to the
kitchen, she flicked on the CD player in the room, putting it on low so as to
not wake anyone. Frank Sinatra's voice drifted around the room and she
felt the tension in her shoulders leave immediately as she moved about,
making tea. Grabbing the paper, she sat down at the table with a Sharpie in
hand and opened to the Want Ads. At least she could do something about
one of her troubling thoughts. It was funny. She worried about being able to
get a job, but not about the having of the job. In fact, she found herself
excited in an anxious way about it. She found herself often bored to tears
staying at home and she always wondered just how green the grass was on
the other side. Why hadn't she done it before? Why didn't she just finish
school and get a job? It's not like it was unheard of. Why did she say she'd
stay home and let Angel go to work? Not that staying home with Lindsey
was an entirely bad thing. She loved her daughter more than anything on
the planet and watching her grow up was amazing, but . . . she longed for
more than that. And she felt guilty for it. She couldn't feel guilty about it
now because she didn't have a choice.

"Couldn't sleep?"

She jumped a mile and jerked her head up to see a rumpled Spike
standing in the doorway. He looked boyish in his sweat pants and T-shirt,
his hair a riot of curls, his eyes glazed over from sleep.

"I had a lot on my mind."

He looked down at the paper. "Worried about getting a job?"

She nodded and stared down at the paper, not really seeing any of it.
She just couldn't focus. She set the Sharpie down. "Did I wake you?"

"No, I woke up and then I couldn't get back to sleep. I saw the light
coming from the hall and your door was open so I knew it had to be you
down here. What are you drinking?"

"Tea."

Mind if I join you?"

She bit her lip, thinking that talking with Spike would only lead to more
sleeplessness. However, she didn't want to be rude. Funny how that
happened. She had no problem telling him to fuck off the other night but
now she didn't want to tell him no regarding sitting with her. Odd how
things happened like that.

"Sure," she nodded and watched him as he moved about, making tea.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Buffy took a deep breath, "What are you
going to do about . . . being here. I mean you have a life in Rhode Island, a
job, an apartment."

He turned to her, smirking, "Trying to get rid of me?"

"No, that's not it at all," she shook her head. "I'm just wondering what
you're going to do."

"I'm going to move here," he said simply.


She blinked, "Just like that?"

He sat down across from her and met her eyes, "Just like that."

"Your job?"

"I'm a writer, Buffy. I can do that anywhere."

"Spike, I'm not . . .I'm not opening my home to you. I don't mean to be
rude, but it's not like you can just move in here and--"

"How about if I took care of Lindsey?"

"What?"

"While you worked, pet. I could take care of Lindsey."

"When will you work?"

"I work best in the evening. You come home and I retreat to work. Angel
had an office downstairs, no?"

"Yeah, but—"

"Just think about it kitten."

"Spike, I don't know. It'll be awkward."

"For?"

She looked at him as if he had seven heads. "For all of us! Angel leaves and
you move in. With everything between us, I just don't think it's the best
decision right now, Spike."

"So, would you rather I live somewhere else and come to take care of
Lindsey during the day?"

"You really want to do that?"

He nodded. "She'll be going off to school next year. Let me spend some time
with my daughter, Buffy."

"I won't keep her from you, Spike. Done that already haven't I? I just
think that it's a bad idea for us to live together. Especially since Lindsey
doesn't know the truth yet. It could confuse her."

"Or not. She'll wonder why her daddy is living somewhere else."

"The man she knew as her daddy has left. And you don't know what's going
to happen down the road with . . . . everything."

"I know that I'm not going anywhere Buffy."

"You can't promise that."

He chuckled, "You have a lot to learn about me, kitten."

"I don't know what tomorrow is gonna bring, Spike. I don't know what's
going to happen. I just need some time—"

"I know."

"You understand?"

He nodded and then stood, holding out his hand. "Come here."

She looked up at him, uncertainly. "What?"

He rolled his eyes. "Come here. Trust me."

Slowly, she placed her hand in his and allowed him to pull her to standing.
He smiled and wrapped one arm around her waist and laced his fingers
through her other. She finally caught on to what he was doing. He wanted
to dance with her. She looked up at him and he grinned.

"Let me lead," he said.

She nodded and let herself go, just focusing on her movements and
Frankie's voice. She closed her eyes and snapped them open when Spike
placed his hand on her hip and twirled her. She smiled and gasped when
she came back to the heat of his body.

"I didn't know you could dance," she told him, surprised.

"Told you, you have a lot to learn about me, kitten."

She smiled up at him, "I'm sure you'll make it interesting."

"Always," he promised. "Feeling better?"

She nodded, "I am, thank you."

"I know we still have a lot to work through Buffy –"

She placed a finger on his mouth. "Sshhh… let's not talk about it now,
okay? Let's just enjoy the moment. I'm not worried or scared about
anything right this second and I want to just want to revel in that for a
while okay?"

He answered by placing a kiss on the tip of her finger. She met his eyes and
gazed at him as they darkened. Her finger drifted away and she found
herself being pulled to him, like a magnet. She wondered just before his lips
met hers if they were as soft as they used to be ---Yes, God, yes, they
were.

She clutched at him, using him as her anchor as he plundered her mouth,
licking inside her mouth with his tongue. He tasted like tea and something
just Spike. She remembered his taste—was it wrong to have remembered
his taste? Or just weird? All thoughts fled her head and she felt as if she
were just . . . goo. God, his kisses were hot and disorientating. Fred left
this? Was she crazy? Then again. . . That was all it took to freeze Buffy and
as if he could sense it, Spike stopped abruptly and pressed his forehead
against hers, both panting.

"God, pet, you drive me crazy. I want you so much—"

"Spike—"

"And I love you so much—"

"Spike—"

"But I –I can't believe I'm going to say this," he closed his eyes, "But I don't
want you this way. I want you when you're completely with me. When
you're not smarting from Angel and when you're not worried and confused
and sad—"

"Spike. I know.

He opened his eyes. "You understand?"

She smirked and broke away from him. He held on longer than he probably
should have and then let her go. "Where have I heard that before?" she
asked, teasing him.

"Buffy—"

"Let's not do a post mortem about it okay? It happened. We could sit here
all night and name several reasons why it did, but it's not going to change
anything."

"Hasn't it?"

She shook her head. "No, and you know that."

He nodded, and looked down, "Yeah, I know that." His head popped up.
"One day there will be more and it will change everything."

"Spike—"

He put his finger on her mouth. "Ssshhhh."

She shook her head at him, suddenly feeling as if she could fall asleep
standing up. She walked away from him and with one last glance over her
shoulder she gave him a small smile and wished him goodnight.





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