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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you everyone!
Chapter Twelve

FLASHBACK

"I want to tell you something," Angel whispered urgently to Spike just as they got the signal that the ceremony was about to start.

"Now?" Spike whispered back.

"Yes, now. I have to tell someone and you're my best friend."

"Oh Jesus, you didn't sleep with anyone last night did you?" Spike moaned, watching as Willow, one of Buffy's bridesmaids, made her way down the aisle.

"No, nothing like that," and Angel shook his head.

"Then what?"

"The only girl I've ever truly loved with all my heart and soul. The only one I've ever lost my head for, I never told you about her," Angel looked almost frantic; wild.

"And you want to tell me NOW?"

"Just her name, that's all. Then I can let her go," his dark eyes bore into Spike's, willing him to listen. It was then that Spike fully understood what was happening: Angel was purging himself before he married Buffy.

"You'll be faithful to her, won't you?" Spike asked, concerned.

Angel nodded, "Yes, yes, of course," he said, shaking his head. "Her name, Will," he said almost frantically as the wedding march started. "Her name was Winnie." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes and turned toward Buffy. "And now I have Elizabeth."

END FLASHBACK

"Angel? Angel?" Buffy said into the phone, still shaking with anger and barely registering the hand gripping her shoulder tightly. "He hung up! The bastard hung up on me!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Buffy, you're going to scare Lindsey. Calm down."

Frantically, Buffy pushed in star-six-nine. Busy signal. Frustrated, Buffy flung the phone away from her, and it slid across the counter before crashing down upon the floor.

"Buffy," Spike said emphatically and went to the phone just as Buffy burst into tears.

Spike changed course and took her in his arms as she sobbed. She held onto him tightly, grasping at him, needing to anchor herself to something.

"Buffy," he murmured, "Tell me what happened, baby."

"It's over. It's really over. I mean, I knew it was over, but . . . it never even was."

"What do you mean?"

"He—he never loved me. Her—he knew her. They were high school sweethearts and she moved away when they were sixteen. She was the only girl he ever loved. He never loved me." She buried her face in his chest, clutching at his shirt. "Lindsey in bed?"

"Yes. I heard the phone ring just as I was tucking her in and I asked her if I could forego the book for tonight. She told me it was fine."

She extracted herself from his embrace and went for the paper towels to wipe her tears. She blew her nose and dabbed her eyes. "Her whole family has fallen apart. The man she thought was her father isn't really her father—he said he's ‘send' for her. SEND for her," she laughed bitterly. "I couldn't do that, Spike. I'm sorry I told him that way, but I couldn't let him do that. I can't let her be sent for because he decided to up and move back to fucking California. I can't let her go see them –seeing the woman who took her daddy away from her."

"I'm her Daddy," Spike told her. "She's young, Buffy. We have to tell her soon. She'll bounce back from it much easier—"

"Than I will," Buffy whispered. "My whole marriage was a sham." She looked at him. "Guess I can ask you what it feels like to have someone tell you they've never really loved you huh?"

"You've never said that to me Buffy," he said shaking his head, "You've shown me that you don't love me, but. . . "

"But?"

"That's not important right now. What's important is figuring out what's next."

"Telling Lindsey. Getting a damn good divorce lawyer. He could hang me out to dry right now."

"No, he won't. He cheated on you first remember? You could site adultery on him. He took off—he doesn't have a leg to stand on. He abandoned you. He knows that. Trust me, he knows that."

"Apparently they've been quite busy moving back to California," Buffy shook her head. "I hate them."

"When I went to see my editor she told me Fred had been by, apparently having cleared out. Rhode Island must have been the first place they hit. I was going to tell you, but I wanted us to be alone when I did."

"Must be nice to feel like you have no obligations, no one to worry about getting hurt by your actions . . . " Buffy mused and then her eyes fell back on Spike who stood there, watching her. "So, this is definitely my karmic payback for keeping Lindsey from you, isn't it? I'm guilty of the same things, aren't I?"

"Buffy, stop," he came over to her and tried to gather her in his arms, but she stepped away from him.

"No, it's true, I am guilty too." Her eyes traveled to the ceiling, "Guess it's true what they say about the sins of the father huh? Lindsey has to pay for my mistakes."

"OUR mistakes, Buffy. You weren't alone in it."

"How can you want to be with me, Spike? I lied to you for so long, I kept your daughter from you and I loved another man. How can you stand it?"

Spike reached out and brushed some hair away from her face. "You can't help you love Buffy. I've loved you for so long, I don't think I know how to do anything else."

"Maybe you should try. I'm a mess."

"You're hurting. The one thing I've never been able to stand is to see you in pain. If you think I can just walk away now—"

She placed a hand on his arm. "No, I don't want you to walk away. I just . . . I don't want you to put all your eggs in one basket. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I have, Spike."

He gazed at her tenderly. "Don't you see that just by saying that, that means everything to me?"

"Spike, I have something I need to tell you."

"What?"

She took a deep breath. "That night—that night we made Lindsey . . . "

He held his breath, "Yes?"

"When I cried—"

"Yes?" he urged.

"It was because I wanted you so much. It was because I was so lost in you and how you made me feel. You made me forget my marriage. You made me feel so much that the whole world melted away and it scared me."

"Buffy—" he said and reached for her.

"No, Spike, not now," and she started to back away. "I just wanted to tell you. Nothing can come of it right now. You said it yourself, I'm hurting. And you don't want me that way, remember?"

He nodded, "I know," he said hoarsely.

"I just. . . I just thought you should know that. I don't want to keep telling lies anymore. They have a way of catching up to you, ya know?"

He nodded, "Don't I know it," he muttered.

She turned to leave and looked over her shoulder. "I'm glad you're back."

"If you need me, Buffy, you know—"

"I know. You're here. I think I need to learn to depend on myself more, don't you? It's how I've gotten myself into all these messes to begin with."

"Buffy—"

"You know it's true."

"I just want to be here for you," he whispered.

"You are, and it helps."





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