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Author's Chapter Notes:
So, have I made Spike evil now?
FLASHBACK

"William?" Fred began, sounding almost fearful.

"Yeah?" Spike returned absently. They were on their way to the O' Connor household and needless to say, it was making Spike tense. Here he was, taking a girl with him. He couldn't help the thought that had come unbidden when he'd invited Fred to come along. The thought that maybe Buffy would care.

Maybe she'd be jealous.

He'd dismissed the thought as quickly as it came because in all honesty, Buffy wouldn't care. Not when she had her precious Angel. Nothing mattered when he was around. With that thought, Spike gripped the steering wheel tighter. All he was doing was killing himself with thoughts of her and Angel making happy family with his daughter. His. Lindsey was his dammit.

But Angel is what makes her happy, the nagging voice in his head told him. Nagging, whining, pain in the ass—

And that's why he kept quiet. To make Buffy happy. Which was also why he'd hired a Private Investigator to check up on Angel every couple of months. Just to make sure his once best friend was keeping it in his pants and being faithful to the woman Spike couldn't even conceive of leaving if she were his. If. What a mighty big if.

He'd be lying if thoughts of their night together didn't plague him. Oh, they did. The way she felt in his arms—as if she were made to be there. The way she moaned, the way she arched into his touch. How soft she was, the scent of her—

The way she'd cried. God, that had ripped his soul apart to hear her cry. To hear her cry and know that the person she wanted him to be was Angel. He could well up at the thought still.

But he wouldn't.

Had to be strong and strong he would be. For --- For who exactly? For Lindsey? For himself? For Buffy? He wasn't sure any longer. It was getting harder and harder to keep his feelings at bay, to keep himself from claiming what was his. He knew her first dammit and he'd never have cheated on her and Lindsey. . . God, Lindsey. His beautiful daughter.

Instead he'd had to settle for being the favorite uncle. He wanted Father's Day gifts and Father's Day attentions. He wanted "World's Greatest Dad" mugs and ties that he'd never wear . . . he wanted to be there on her first day of school and he'd wanted to be there when she started walking.

Tears stung his eyes and he took a deep breath and swallowed hard, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. Trying to swallow down his anger, his resentment and his love.

So yes, that's why he'd invited Fred. Besides, she was a smart bird, a good conversationalist. She was a tad mysterious too, and maybe one day, he'd really be interested in uncovering her secrets. One day.

When he was over Buffy.

And monkey's might fly out of my ass, he thought bitterly.

"I lied. I know Angel better than I said I did," Fred said.

"What?" Spike said, nearly barking at her. He'd gotten lost in his musing and had almost forgotten she was talking to him.

"I said, I lied to you about how well I know—well, knew Angel."

He glanced sideways at her. "Oh? And how well do you know him?"

"We were lovers."

That nearly caused Spike to go off into the next lane. Not a good idea on a two lane highway.

"What?!"

Fred took a deep breath and fidgeted with her hands in her lap. "Angel and I, we weren't just good friends in high school before I moved. We were lovers. I lied to you."

"Why? Why did you lie to me about something like that?"

"Because I was afraid you'd tell me not to come. And I needed to come."

"You were lovers? Exactly how serious—what did he call you?"

"What?" Fred asked, confused.

"What did he call you? You know, a nickname."

"Winnie."

That did it. Throwing on the hazards, Spike pulled over to the side of the highway, causing a yelp of surprise from Fred when he swerved and slammed on the brakes. He threw the car in park and turned to her, glaring. "You're Winnie?"

She stared at him wide-eyed. "Y-yes."

Spike shook his head, "Bloody hell."

"What is it?"

"I can't fucking believe this!" he exclaimed and threw his head back, closing his eyes. "He told me about you! He told me about you just before Buffy walked down the sodding aisle."

"He did?" there was hope in her voice.

"Yes, he did. Fucking bastard was about to get married to Buffy and he tells me about you. All with the purging of the soul before he entered into wedded fucking bliss. Course then he only cheated on her—" he broke off and popped his head back up, glaring back at her. "What the fuck are you playing at Fred?"

Her bottom lip quivered and Spike tried to feel sorry for her.

"I had to see him. It's been years."

"He has a family and you knew each other back in fucking high school—"

"Same for you and Buffy then, isn't it?" she snapped.

His glare fell and he was sure barely concealed shock and maybe guilt was reflected instead.

"Oh come on," Fred snorted, "Like I didn't know. The way you talk about her, the way you mention her at least a dozen times in one conversation, William? She's all over your damn work. A blind monkey could see it. You haven't done very well in concealing it."

"Why didn't you say something?" he whispered raggedly.

"I guess because I understand what it's like to love someone and keep it bottled up inside."

"I thought misery loved company."

"Not when you're used to keeping it close to you and not wanting to share with someone how you've managed to love someone for what feels like forever. People tend to think you're crazy for holding onto something like that."

Spike looked away, watched the cars whiz by and wondered just what he'd gotten himself into now. "Figures. Why wouldn't you have been Angel's? I seem to be drawn to his women like a moth to a flame."

"Buffy can be yours, William."

He turned his head slowly to her, his mind racing with the implications of that statement. "Excuse me?"

"She can be yours."

"Are you saying--?"

"That's all I'm saying."

"I can't break up their family, Fred," he said angrily, "I couldn't just waltz in there and hurt them like that. Not Buffy, not my little girl, not—" he froze, realizing what he'd just let slip in that heat of the moment.

Fred's eyes widened and her hand flew over her mouth with a gasp.

"Don't say anything," he demanded hoarsely, "You can't say anything—"

"It's your family then isn't it Will?"

He shook his head and thunked it against the steering wheel. "This isn't happening to me."

"Will, you don't know that Angel even wants me. He has been married to Buffy a long time. I just . . . I just need to see him. Can you understand that? If you truly don't want me to go, then turn around now and take me home. I'm putting the choice in your hands."

He heard her sharp intake of breath and he stopped breathing for a minute too. The choice was in his hands. To go or not go. To risk or not to risk. The answer seemed simple. Do the right thing

But what was the right thing? Was keeping his daughter from him the right thing? Was living a lie the right thing? He knew Angel barely saw his family due to his work schedule. He also knew that Angel could probably afford to cut back on his hours now, but chose not to. He chose to distance himself from his ‘family.' He also knew that while Angel claimed to love Lindsey, he got the distinct impression he loved her only because he was ‘supposed to' and not because she was a special little girl.

He knew Angel wasn't happy, but content. He knew because Angel had told him. They went through the motions, but they never truly lived. And he knew if Angel was feeling that way, then Buffy was feeling that way ten fold for she was tuned into Angel and his goddamn moods and whims. She would just never admit it.

Goddamn stubborn woman.

So, what was the right thing? And what harm would be done by simply bringing and old flame – old dammit—to their home. It wasn't as if anything would happen. It was innocent. Just because Fred harbored those feelings didn't mean Angel still did.

"The only girl I've ever truly loved with all my heart and soul. The only one I've ever lost my head for, I never told you about her," Angel looked almost frantic; wild.

"And you want to tell me NOW?"

"Just her name, that's all. Then I can let her go," his dark eyes bore into Spike's, willing him to listen. It was then that Spike fully understood what was happening: Angel was purging himself before he married Buffy.

"You'll be faithful to her, won't you?" Spike asked, concerned.

Angel nodded, "Yes, yes, of course," he said, shaking his head. "Her name, Will," he said almost frantically as the wedding march started. "Her name was Winnie." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes and turned toward Buffy. "And now I have Elizabeth."

Without a word, and pushing all thought from his head, merely going on autopilot, Spike pulled the car back onto the highway and headed back on his way to the O' Connor household.

END FLASHBACK





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