Spike pulled into the O’ Connor driveway and guilt slammed him instantly. The ride from the moment Fred had admitted knowing Angel and he had admitted his paternal rights to Lindsey, had been silent. The kind of silence with two people deep in their own thoughts of growing doubt for what they were about to do.
Spike couldn’t have cared less how Fred felt. She’d lied to him. Not that he’d been Joe Honesty himself, but her lie was one intended to possibly break a family apart; hurt Buffy, hurt his daughter.
His lie was more of a lie to himself; that another woman could ever mean more, or even come close to, what he felt for Buffy.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” Spike blurted out as he turned off the ignition.
“I know,” Fred said, emotionless.
He turned to her, “Can you?”
She smiled, a guilty smile. “I have to, William. If I don’t . . . I’ll never know.”
“What is it you want to know, Fred? If he still loves you? If he wants to break up his family to make a go of it with you?” He shook his head. “How selfish are you?”
Her eyes flashed, “What about you? I gave you the choice and here we are, aren’t we? Is attacking me your way of making yourself feel better? Some kind of moral superiority tactic so you can at least say you tried to get me to run off with my tail between my legs? Is that what you really want? Or do you want Buffy and your daughter with you?”
“You don’t even know what the outcome will be!” Spike nearly screamed at her.
“Hey,” Angel said, appearing on the driver’s side, leaning on the open car window to look in the car. He was grinning at Spike. “What are you two—“ his gaze went to Fred’s and his grin fell. He stared at her in utter shock. “Winnie?”
“What would you like to do now, kitten?” Spike asked, smiling at her as they weaved through the crowd from the Ferris wheel.
To Buffy, it was a slightly smug smile. He knew he made her turn to mush on the Ferris wheel and he was thoroughly enjoying it. Not that she wanted to begrudge him that victory. How long exactly had he carried that torch for her? Oh yes, since high school. Only to be reunited with her later while she was head over heels for his then best friend. It’d been a long time coming for Spike.
And, for her too. Her life was Angel was not wrought with the same intensity and passion she had in just a conversation with Spike. Angel had awakened her sexually in college, and she’d thought she’d had it great. Until of course she’d slept with Spike a few years later. She had never admitted exactly that to him, but he’d been an incredible lover. For Buffy, she’d always enjoyed the act of sex, but far more the intimacy and the closeness of being with the other person. The love. When she and Spike had made love, her world had been rocked. He put so much of himself into the act, that she felt it in every cell of her body.
She could admit now, with no guilt, that he’d taken a piece of her heart then. She’d just been too consumed with guilt and fear to admit it.
Until now of course.
So, yes, she didn’t want to take that arrogant pride of making her weak in the knees away from Spike. She just wanted to do the same to him; wanted to feel her power as a woman desired. And she only wanted to do that to him, not just anyone. Angel stripped away her confidence when he’d left and admitted to her that he never truly loved her. It was taking some time for her to heal from that and Spike was part of that process. He made her feel wanted; he made her feel loved and he made her feel desired.
Besides, she hadn’t flirted with anyone in a long, long time. She’d forgotten how fun it could be.
“Let’s go to your place,” she said nonchalantly and watched his reaction out of the corner of her eye.
He stopped, nearly causing the people behind him to bump into him. His eyes were wide as he gaped at her.
She stopped, a few feet ahead of him and smirked. “Are you feeling sick again?”
“Buffy,” he said, coming to stand in front of her, “Did you say you wanted to go back to my place?”
She shrugged, “Yeah, why not?”
“Buffy, I’m not—I don’t want to push you for anything. That’s not what this is about.”
She shook her head, “William. Just because I want to go to your place it doesn’t mean we’re going to have sex. It doesn’t mean I want sex right now. It just means that I don’t want this night to end yet and since I haven’t been to your place since you moved in, I want to go there. Not everything has to have a meaning or motive. I just want to spend more time with you on our date. I have the whole night, remember? If you want, we could go somewhere and get a drink if you—“
He held up a hand, halting her. “No. I just – I just want to make it clear that I’m not trying for anything here.”
“You have. A thousand times over. Come on, don’t you at least like the thought that maybe you’ll get lucky?” And she smiled at him, nudging him with her elbow.
He grinned and then groaned, “Saucy minx.”
“You like it.”
He reached out and cupped her face with his hand, “I do. I like everything you have to give me.”
She nuzzled his palm and took his hand from her face and laced her fingers through his. “Let’s go.” Then, in the parking lot, “You got food?”
“Kitten, you ate fried dough, cotton candy, two hot dogs, chips, had two big fountain soda’s and half a candy apple. You’re still hungry?” he asked incredulously.
She smiled and kissed him quickly. “Ravenous.”
He grinned, “That’s my girl.”
“So, this is Casa de Spike,” Buffy said as she entered Spike’s first floor apartment. It was medium sized, with a window overlooking the parking lot in the living room along with a large entertainment system that she knew he got more for the stereo system than the TV and DVD player. The walls were still slightly bare aside from the random Van Gogh or Monet, which was testament to his artist inclination. The walls were eggshell white and they stretched to an alcove which held a small kitchen just beyond that, fit for one. Down the hall was a study where he retreated to write, and his bedroom, to the left of the large entertainment center was the only room in the apartment he’d spent time on decorating. And by decorating, he’d painted the walls dark red. He had his acceptance letter from his current publishing company framed, along the cover of his first book. Currently, he was working on his second.
She knew that he now had some pictures of Lindsey on the wall as well. She remembered him scouring the photo albums for pictures of her as a baby, and that was not counting the one’s he’d taken when he’d visit; or the ones Angel had sent him. When she stepped into his room however to see said pictures of Lindsey, she was surprised to find a picture of herself too. One of her in high school in her cheerleading uniform sitting on the bleachers apparently waiting for something because she had her elbows resting on her thighs and her chin resting on her hands. She was looking away from the camera and it was taken from a distance.
She looked at him and he looked down sheepishly. “Where did you get this picture?” she asked. “I don’t remember it ever being taken.”
“I was friends with someone on the yearbook committee. I asked him for it after I saw it.”
The one next to it was of her on her wedding day. At the point the picture had been taken, she had changed into a simple jeans and tank top as her and Angel were on their way to catch their plane for their honeymoon trip to Hawaii. Angel was not in the picture, it was just her, beaming and waving.
“I took that—“ he started.
“I know when you took that,” she said softly.
“Does it bother you?”
“What?”
“That I have these of you?”
She turned to him, saw the fear in his face and went to him, wrapping her arms around him. “No, Spike. Not at all. I’m just sorry for having been so stupid for so long.”
“You didn’t know, Buffy,” he said softly, brushing his fingers through her hair. “I took so damn long in telling you.”
“And I took so damn long to see you.”
He pulled back a smidge and kissed her gently, “Thank you for tonight.”
She smiled and brushed his nose with hers, “No, thank you.”
He smiled, “How about that drink? Or would you like something else?”
“Got a beer and some chips?” she grinned.
He chuckled softly, “My bottomless pit. Now I know which one of us Lindsey got it from.”
She nodded, “It’s from all those years of starving myself in high school. I’m making up for it now.”
“Come on,” he said and took her hand, leading her out of the room.
She wondered if he had any clue that she was seriously contemplating their getting lucky tonight.
Well, it’d be a nice surprise anyway wouldn’t it?
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Thank you everyone! :)