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Buffy stared up at him, suddenly feeling guarded. “What?” she asked
and sat up fully.

He sat down next to her, raking a hand through his hair and sighing
heavily; not looking at her. “Buffy, this isn’t. . . this is hard.”

“Spike, you’re scaring me. Just tell me. Is this part of the the big
truths you were talking about long ago? I thought we’d gotten them all
out.”

“I . . . there’s more.”

Her heart was pounding and she was starting to shake. Her adrenaline
was pumping wildly and she jumped up from the couch moving a few
feet away from him. She suddenly felt crowded and her flight response
was in full throttle. “Just . . . Just fucking tell me already!” she
exclaimed almost frantically.

He looked up at her, seeming taken back by her response. She didn’t
care. Thanks to Angel, a part of her would always mistrust; always
second guess. It was the nature of the beast. Her reaction at that
moment was knee jerk. She’d had enough surprises to last her a
lifetime and she could readily do without them. Especially when said
surprises included lying, secrets and infidelity.

He opened his mouth, staring at her, then closed it. Opening it again
he blurted out, “I had Angel followed.”

She blinked. “What?”

“I had him followed.”

She knit her brows together, “When? Now? Recently?”

“When I left Boston.”

She stared at him, processing what he was telling her. “You had him
followed . . . like a Private Investigator?”

“That, exactly,” he sighed.

“Why?”

He stood, looking afraid, “I wanted to make sure he didn’t stray
again.”

“How long did you have him followed for?”

“Every month. Not every day, just a short span of time every month to
make sure he was being faithful to you.”

She nodded slowly. “Oh.”

“Are you upset with me?” he asked in a small voice.

She looked at him, standing there so vulnerable and looking lost. She
shook her head. “No, I’m . . . stunned.”

“I had to make sure Buffy. I wanted to protect you. I wasn’t here to do
it, so that was the only thing I could think of to make sure he was
keeping himself in line.”

“Spike, I . . . that’s kind of, well . . . and don’t take this the wrong
way--obsessive. Don’t you think?”

He smiled sheepishly, “Been in love with you since high school pet.
Knowing that Lindsey was most likely mine and knowing how hurt you
were by him before,” he broke off, shaking his head. “I couldn’t just
stop wanting to protect you and be there for you.”

“So was he?”

“Having affairs? No.”

“Not that you knew of anyway.”

“No, Buffy, the P.I. was pretty thorough. He wasn’t. He just, well,
worked a lot.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” she muttered, looking away.

“I’m sorry, I just --”

She held up her hand, halting him. “Don’t apologize. It’s . . . sweet,
really. I mean, not used to the idea quite yet, but I understand why
you did it. Just . . . what would you have done if he was having
another affair?”

He grinned, “That’s easy pet. Kicked his ass right clear across the
country.”

“Well, now he really is clear across the country,” she smiled
wanly.

“So you’re not mad?”

She shook her head, “No, not mad. Is there anything else you need to
tell me?”

He took a deep, shuddering breath and looked down at the floor. Then,
he looked back up at her, “No, that’s it.”

She let out a sigh of relief. “Good.”

“Can you come here now?” he asked. “I’d like to hold you now, Buffy,
feel you in my arms.”

She smiled and strode up to him, letting him engulf her in his arms
and she hugged him back, rifling her fingers through the curls at the
nape of his neck.

He buried his face in her neck. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Sorry, I just think that with . . . you know, everything, I can’t handle
too many more surprises. I’ve had my fill of them. Mostly since all of
them seem to be attached to secrets and lies. I get a little scared.”

He picked his head up and gazed at her solemnly, “I don’t want to ever
scare you, Buffy. You’re safe with me.”

She nodded, “I know. It’s just hard to shut the programming off like
that. I have to get used to us, ya know? We’re. . .shiny and new. It’s
like I had all this baggage I was carrying around and I’ve shed a
couple suitcases and now I’ve just some light carryons. Not that
they’re not pesky to get rid of, but it’s going to take some time. And,”
she said on a sigh, “I’m afraid that there’s always going to be a little
carry on with me. I think it’s just always going to be my first reaction
to think the worst and then get scared.”

“Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust me?”

She nodded, “I do trust you, Spike. I . . . I trust you a little more each
day. It’s not like you and I have been exactly honest with each other
all these years. Not saying that I’m completely in the clear on that, I’m
not. With time, we’ll be where we need to be.”

“And I’m not going anywhere,” he vowed. “The important thing is we
work on us together. Because there is an us now.”

“Right. And a little girl that’s part of both of us.”

He smiled, “The best part of us, don’t you think?”

“Of course,” and she smiled back.

“I’ve loved you for so long, Buffy . . . I don’t think I’d know how to do
anything else. You and Lindsey are my world.”

She let out a shuddering breath, “Not at all scary.”

He smiled, cupping her face. “It sounds it, but it’s not. It’s just the
way it is. If you think I’m ever going to do anything to screw this up
now . . . “ he pulled her against him roughly, holding her tight. “I’d be
lost without you, pet. Was lost for so long. Wanting to be here, but
knowing I couldn’t be here. . . it about killed me. Now that I’ve got
you, I’m not letting you go.” He looked at her again, his eyes boring
into hers, “You hear me? Not letting you go. You said you were mine
and you’re staying mine.”

“Spike,” she breathed and buried her face in his chest.

“What kitten, talk to me,” he murmured, stroking her hair.

“You just. . . God, it’s so overwhelming the way you love me.”

“I don’t mean to overwhelm you kitten. Or scare you. I know I can
come off as really intense--”


“You’re just a really intense guy,” she murmured, looking up at him
tenderly. “When you give yourself--”

“I give the whole thing. You’ve got all of me Buffy.”

“I know,” she whispered. “I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve any
of it.”

“You’re just you, and that’s all I need.”

“One day I will say the words back, Spike. I promise. You just need to
give me time.”

“You’ve got all the time in the world, baby.”




** so, it wasn't THE secret. He chickened out, huh? lol Think I'd make it that easy? Insert evil laugh here.**





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