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Buffy debated on whether to pick her daughter up from Willow’s early or to use the time to herself as much as possible. The idea of being in the house by herself for a long period of time and being forced to think about what Spike had done left her feeling ready to crawl out of her skin. On the other hand, her emotions were so jumbled she doubted she could handle Lindsey’s exuberance without snapping. In the end, she decided to leave Lindsey with Willow until it was time to collect her later.

As soon as the door shut behind her, Buffy dropped her bag and burst into tears. She literally ached from Spike’s deception. Her heart hurt so badly, she wanted to claw it out to make it stop.

He was right about one thing. She had been happy. Perhaps she hadn’t been able to see fully just how happy she’d been over the past few weeks, but she could see it clearer now; and she had indeed been happy.

What was it about the men in her life that seemed to think she could just be shit on like that? Was the truth incapable of being told to her? Granted, she’d done her fair share of lying, but she’d thought that had all been behind her. Was this more karmic payback? How much more was due to her? When would her debt be paid off? How was it possible that she was still paying for it? Hadn’t Angel leaving and telling her that he never truly loved her been enough?

But then Spike . . . God, his hurt worse. The man she had once upon a time gone to when her marriage had been failing and leaned on, the man who promised to be there for her through everything, the one man she thought she could one day fully trust had thrown a wrench and shattered that hopeful thought to bits.

The man who was the father of her daughter.

God. She wanted more than anything to just cut ties with him at that point. No matter how much the thought tore her to shreds. But she couldn’t. She had a daughter that loved her father very much and would be devastated by the loss.

She’d been selfish once and kept Spike from her. She was going to do the right thing this time and not break them apart. No matter how much seeing him cut her up inside.
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Glancing over at the clock, feeling groggy, and not at all rested, Buffy rose from the sanctuary of her bed to get her daughter from Willow’s. Scraping her hair back in a ponytail and pulling on a sweater jacket, she slipped on her Keds and stumbled down the stairs with a yawn.

Bouncing down the front stoop, Buffy halted when she saw the car in the driveway.

Spike’s car. Starting over with new determination to Willow’s she saw him, chatting with Willow while Lindsey wrapped herself around his legs.

Annoyance bubbled forth and the urge to hit him slammed through her. Balling her hands in fists and taking a deep breath she started for them, plastering on a fake smile.

“Momma!” Lindsey exclaimed and burst past Willow and Spike to see her. Buffy bent over to catch her daughter as she ran to her and scooped her up in her arms.

“Hey baby. Did you have fun?” Buffy asked her, ignoring Spike.

“I did. We played dress up. Oz even put a skirt on because I told him to.”

Buffy giggled, “And why did you make him do that, baby?”

“Because we were playing house and I wanted to be Daddy and I wanted him to be you,” Lindsey grinned, very proud of herself.

Buffy could feel Spike boring holes into her and she refused to look at him. Instead she smiled at Willow and thanked her before turning around and heading home.

Spike was on her heels and Lindsey asked to be put down. Settling her daughter down on the ground, she watched as Lindsey tore across the lawn to their home.

“What the hell are you doing?” she asked him, still refusing to look at him.

“I knew you wouldn’t see me otherwise,” he told her hesitantly.

She stopped and faced him then. “That’s great, Spike. Use our daughter to get to me.” She shook her head, “You’re a piece of work. But hey, it worked for you once right?” And she started on her way again.

“Buffy, we have to talk about this. You have to listen to me—“

“I don’t have to do anything.”

“Buffy—“

She stopped again, “Listen, if you’re afraid I’ll keep Lindsey from you, I won’t. She is your daughter and she loves you. She’d be devastated if she lost you and I won’t do that to her. But it’s only for her because honestly at this point, I could give a rat’s ass what you want or need.”

“I love you, Buffy,” he told her fervently and reached out for her, sighing heavily when she moved away from him. “I didn’t know until we were almost here who Fred was.”

“But yet you still came.”

“I . . . just give me a chance to explain.”

“And you knew the next morning. You pretended you didn’t. You made a fool out of me. The whole time you knew and you never said anything.”

“I wanted to tell you, I tried—“

“When? When did you try?”

He raked a hand through his hair, “When I told you how I had Angel followed. I was going to tell you about that instead, but—“

“So you were going to keep the fact that you had Angel followed a secret too?”

He looked at her, frustrated. “No. I was going to tell you that too.”

“Two big secrets in one fell swoop? So unlike you,” she said dryly and stalked off towards the house where Lindsey was running herself in circles – literally – on the front lawn.

“That’s not fair and you know it,” he said darkly, following her once again.

She spun to face him, pointing her finger in his face. “I told you everything. I spilled my guts to you, you fucking bastard so don’t you dare stand there and recite off my trespasses and match them up against yours. Don’t you dare. You betrayed me. You brought that slut in my house knowing who she was. You tore my family apart.”

“What a family it was, too. My family, I might add, since Lindsey was mine.”

“And she is the only one cause I sure as hell ain’t yours. Never was though, was I?” Buffy drawled and started for Lindsey. Spike grabbed her arm and whirled her back to face him.

“Don’t say that,” he said, his voice shaking with anger. “You are my girl. Mine.”

She snatched her arm from him and shook her head, walking backwards, “No, I’m not. I don’t belong to anybody but that little girl over there. And me. I belong to me. Never you.”

He watched her go and his expression slipped from anger to one of loss. His beautiful eyes, those expressive beautiful eyes that told her everything he was feeling at any given moment were filled with regret and pain.

She turned on him, not able to bear witness to that expression any longer. It was a small victory for her to let him stew in that feeling. She couldn’t wrench it from her mind the idea that everytime he’d held her, kissed her and made love to her, he was stabbing her in the back with lies and deceit.

He rushed past her then and went to Lindsey. He hugged her and kissed her and told her he’d see her the next day. Lindsey nodded and smiled up at him trustingly.

Oh to be young again and believe that everyone told the truth, thought Buffy. To not know what a lie was and how it felt to know you’d been lied to.

He turned back to her, those expressive eyes filled with unshed tears. “I’ll be here tomorrow.”

She nodded, “I know.”

He stormed off to his car and she let Lindsey in the house, forcing herself not to turn around and watch him leave.





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